BPD

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic


A poetry piece I wrote on how it feels to live with this disorder.

Submitted: July 02, 2018

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Submitted: July 02, 2018

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How do you tell the people you love most you fear losing them?
When your mind is constantly skipping like a broken record,
When you lay there at night stuck in the darkness of your mind,
You know they love you, you know they care, you know deep down in the depths of your heart.


But you fear the unknown,
You fear the possibilities of a future you see clearly in your mind pulling farther and farther away from you.
So you keep quiet, you say “They’ll contact me when they feel like they can.”
You worry and your stomach aches with the need to just say “Hello” one time, but you don’t.


You don’t want them to run away, or worse yet, be the one pushing them away without knowing it.
You want to openly communicate, you want to be around them always.
But even you know you need space sometimes, you know that it isn’t anything to take personal.
But this fractured mind of yours, this glued together fragile art piece, it still fears what it doesn’t know.


It fears, and it fears.
It never leaves you alone, even when you beg and plead with it to “Just back off, for one night, please.”
But it never fully listens, not always. 


It will sometimes reluctantly back away, sometimes, but on other nights it claws at you.
It claws and scratches and breaks you down until you have no choice but to give in and let it hurt you.
After all, they said I deserved this right?
The bullies, the assholes, the people who should have never mattered, my head, they said I deserved this pain.


I know deep down I don’t.
I even fight back today, I no longer cower in the corner in tears.
I may still be crying, but I scream, I thrash.
I speak my actual, real fucking mind, and I speak it well.


And they don’t like it.
They never do.
They never will.
But what else can I do?


I need to stand up for myself,
Physically, emotionally, in all ways possible.
And that doesn’t just mean against people,
But against my own mind too.


© Copyright 2020 Ashyboy. All rights reserved.

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