The Valley of the Tools Episode 10

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

While at a July 4th celebration at Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Rob is turned into a vampire by an undead Johnny Ramone. As Robert terrorizes Los Angeles, his girlfriend Lilly and his friends at
Altmire-Stone gradually realize what he's become and prepare to fight him and his gang of Vampires.

Submitted: July 07, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 07, 2018









“Your wife has a lovely neck. But what would my people suck? If they would, I could, I guess. I guess her neck’s the best. Her neck’s just the best”

  • Stefan Burnett


(We open on Rob standing in a graveyard, wearing a black suit, looking solemnly at the ground, just before sundown)


ROB: …Well, old man…I didn’t know what to say about you while you were here, and…I don’t know what to say about you today…all I know is I’ve missed you every day since you’ve gone. I can’t say you were perfect, but…you were special to me.


(Lilly walks over to Rob, wearing black shorts and a tank top)


LILLY: Rob, the fireworks are going to start soon, can you stop talking to Johnny Ramone already?


(Zoom out to reveal Rob is in front of Johnny Ramone’s grave in Hollywood Forever Cemetery. A Fourth of July celebration is occurring on the grounds, complete with picnic blankets and food)


ROB: Just a few more minutes, alright?


LILLY: Rob, your friends from work want to talk to us, they’ve already told me their life stories, but they want to hear from both of us. Can we just get that over with already?


(Rob sighs)


ROB: Fine.


(Lilly takes Rob away from Johnny Ramone’s grave stone. Cut to Rob, Lilly, Whitney, Hannah, Miles, Luther, Ryan, McKenzie, Kevin, Bonnie and Noel sitting on the grass in a circle, many of them holding beers, surrounded by coolers and such, as throngs of other patriots congregate around them on the cemetery grounds)


WHITNEY: So, Lilly, Rob tells me you’re in sales.


LILLY: Yep. Kind of like how the NRA is in sales.




ROB: SO! Ryan, how’s the internship so far, buddy?


RYAN: I don’t know, it’s fine. I just thought living in LA would be more fun, though. I don’t really have a friend group here that’s worth my time.


BONNIE: Thanks a fuck-ton, Ryan.


RYAN: Clarissa’s not here, Alec and Tara are always busy, I don’t know, it kind of sucks. It got so desperate, I came to this.


LUTHER: I get it, bro. You just gotta find a group of people you feel comfortable with.


WHITNEY: Of course, sometimes that backfires, doesn’t it?


(Luther shoots Whitney a look)


HANNAH: Ryan, I don’t see what’s so bad about us. Except for Rob.


ROB: Hannah, you want to take out your wallet? Count how much money you have because of me?


HANNAH: Sorry, Rob, I’m the one person you can’t fire.


(Hannah kisses Whitney)


ROB: …You really taught me a lesson. Teach me a lesson again.


LILLY: Oh my God, you’re gross.


(Rob puts his arm around Lilly’s shoulder)


ROB: When do the fireworks start?


BONNIE: Not for a couple hours. Eight, maybe?


ROB: Lilly and I are gonna lay down for a bit.


BONNIE: I should go, too. Accidentally parked on Carl Switzer’s grave. Be right back.


(Bonnie walks away)


KEVIN: McKenzie and I are going to drop acid in the Judy Garland pavilion.


MCKENZIE: Yes, we are!

(McKenzie kisses Kevin, and they walk away)


MILES: And I’m gonna go see how secure Victor Fleming’s grave is. Catch up with you guys later.


(Miles walks away. Rob and Lilly walk over to their picnic blanket and lie down. Rob breathes a sigh of relief)


ROB: …I’m amazed I made it to this thing. Flying back from Vermont was exhausting.


LILLY: Why again do you still have your funeral clothes on? It was yesterday.


ROB: Because they’re my only clean clothes!


LILLY: But you wore them yesterday, so by definition, they’re not clean. And since it’s currently eighty-five degrees outside, you have to be sweating through that shit, making it even dirtier.


ROB: Just wake me up when the fireworks start.


(Rob closes his eyes. Lilly sighs. Her eyes shut too. Time lapse sequence, as the sun goes down over Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Cut to Lilly opening her eyes. Rob is awake, watching fireworks shoot off)


LILLY: Oh, what time is it?


ROB: It’s fifteen after eight. Don’t worry, it just started.


LILLY: I wasn’t worried. Fireworks don’t truly entertain anyone after the age of eleven.


ROB: Cool. So, I’m gonna take walk and have a smoke then. See you in a little bit.


(Rob stands up, takes out a pack of cigarettes and walks away. Lilly rolls her eyes and glances at her phone. Cut to Rob smoking a cigarette while walking through Hollywood Forever’s graveyard. He passes by a Mausoleum. Not many people are around. A shadowy figure emerges from behind the Mausoleum)




(Rob turns around)


ROB: …Excuse me? If you want an autograph, I don’t want to give you one unless you beg me, so…


(The figure emerges from the shadows. It’s a very pale Johnny Ramone)


JOHNNY RAMONE: What’s up, brother?


(Rob is shocked and dumbfounded)


ROB: …Wha-…I don’t-


JOHNNY: I know it’s hard to understand.


ROB: Is Tupac around here too?


JOHNNY: I wish. I would’ve loved to sire him, but he was cremated.


ROB: …Weren’t you also cremated?


JOHNNY: That’s what my family thinks. But I’ve been chilling in the Swayze Mausoleum over here. It’s weird, Patrick Swayze was also cremated. What’s this tomb for?


ROB: …What did you mean by “sire”?


JOHNNY: Let me tell you a secret, Rob.


ROB: You look exactly the same as you did fourteen years ago- how could you-?


JOHNNY: Come here. (Johnny beckons, and Rob walks over to him) Closer. (Rob comes closer) Closer, I have a secret for you.


(Rob comes even closer until Johnny’s mouth is at his ear. Johnny’s face contorts into an ugly visage of evil, with green eyes and sharp fangs. He pierces Rob’s neck and begins to suck his blood. Rob drops his still-burning cigarette on the ground)


ROB: Oh! Ohhhhh!


(He continues to drain Rob until he’s clearly near death. He detaches from Rob’s neck. Rob is very dazed. Johnny Cuts his shoulder with his finger nail and forces Rob’s mouth against it. He then drops Rob to the ground, while laughing. The Vampire version of Cecil B. DeMille walks over to them)


CECIL B. DEMILLE: Oh, come on, I wanted to sire him!


JOHNNY: Fuck off, Cecil, he definitely has no idea who you are, how are you gonna draw him in? Does he look like he’s watched The Ten Commandments?! (Cecil shakes his head and walks away. Johnny drags Rob’s body over to the Swayze Mausoleum. He kicks it open and throws him inside) See you later, Robert.


(Johnny slams the door shut. The Vampire version of Rudolph Valentino walks over)


RUDOLPH VALENTINO: Can I sire Anton Yelchin already?


JOHNNY: Rudolph, what did I tell you? Not yet, that’s in poor taste.


(Cut to Lilly watching the fireworks. She checks her phone and sees it’s 8:45. She calls Rob. It rings a few times and goes to voicemail. She hangs up. She walks over to Whitney and Hannah sitting on their picnic blanket, watching the fireworks)


LILLY: Have you guys seen Rob?


WHITNEY: He walked by like thirty minutes ago, lighting a cig.


LILLY: But you haven’t seen him since?




LILLY: He’s been gone for a long time and he’s not answering his phone.


HANNAH: Maybe he finally ghosted you.


WHITNEY: Hannah!

HANNAH: Sorry. I don’t like him that much, in case that’s a secret.


LILLY: Thanks for the help, Thelma and Louise.


(Lilly walks away)


WHITNEY: …I can tell why they like one another.


(Cut to Lilly walking past graves. She comes upon the Swayze mausoleum and finds a half-finished cigarette on the ground. She picks it up. It’s Rob’s brand, American Spirits. She puts it in her pocket and walks away. Cut to Lilly’s apartment later that night. She’s sitting on the couch, talking on her cell phone)


LILLY: (On the phone) He just disappeared at Hollywood Forever, and- (Interrupted) no, it happened just a few hours ago, but- (Interrupted) listen, I understand they have to be missing for forty-eight hours, but-


(Lilly angrily throws her phone across the room and sits back, her hands obscuring her face, consumed with worry. Cut to the Swayze Mausoleum. Robert kicks open the door, a pale, newly sired vampire, brimming with even more arrogance and certainly more malice than before)




(Rudolph and Johnny run over to the Swayze mausoleum)


JOHNNY: Hey, Rob, good to see you, but, keep it down. Vampires aren’t too keen on being discovered.


ROBERT: Call me Robert from now on. Also, you know I’m not too keen on flying under the radar. (Robert steps down the steps of the mausoleum) Never have been.


JOHNNY: Fine, Robert, as long as you don’t get US found out. Rudolph will handle the orientation.


(Rudolph Valentino sighs)


RUDOLPH: You need blood to survive, you can’t be exposed to sunlight or you’ll burn up very quickly, you have no reflection, you can be killed either by a stake through the heart or decapitation, crosses and bibles will burn your skin and you can’t enter a residence without an invitation from a person who lives there-


ROBERT: Who the fuck are you?


RUDOLPH: I’m Rudolph Valentino. Famous silent movie star! Hello! Did you not go to film school?


ROBERT: No, I didn’t. And I’m not interested in joining your vamp gang. I have some scores to settle.


(Robert marches away. Cut to Robert standing outside Hollywood Forever, staring at his phone. A 1999 Nissan Sentra pulls up with an Uber sticker in the window and a shlubby white guy driving it. Robert taps on the window and he rolls down the window manually)


UBER DRIVER: Are you Rob?


ROBERT: Robert.




(Robert tries to get in, but an invisible forcefield prevents him. He furrows his brow)


ROBERT: …Do you live in your car?


UBER DRIVER: …Just get in.


(Robert gets in and the Uber driver punches in the directions. Cut to Robert being dropped off in front of an apartment building. The Uber drives off. Robert opens his Uber app and rates the driver one star and gives no tip. He then walks up the stairs until he finds apartment 52C. He knocks on the door. He waits a bit until Colleen answers the door, wearing pajamas)


COLLEEN: …Rob? What are you doing here?


ROBERT: It’s Robert now. And, well…I felt very, very bad about everything that went down between us, I’m really quite broken up about it- may I come in?


COLLEEN: …Okay…sure.


(Robert enters Colleen’s apartment and Collen shuts the door)


ROBERT: I’m going through a twelve-step process, and one of the steps is to make amends with the people I’ve wronged.


COLLEEN: You’re in AA?


ROBERT: No, I can quit anytime I want! (Robert adjusts) I mean, yes, I’m in AA. So, let me just say, I’m sorry.


COLLEEN: …It’s alright, I mean, I wanted to have sex with you, I didn’t expect it to ruin your career.


ROBERT: Well. It did. But that’s all in the past! I’ve turned the other cheek. How about a hug?


(Colleen shrugs)


COLLEEN: Alright. (Robert embraces Colleen, and then bites into her neck) Oh my GOD! Stop it, you creep- ahhhhh-


(Colleen quickly loses consciousness as she loses copious amounts of blood. Robert drops her to the ground. Robert wipes his mouth)


ROBERT: Ugh, my first feeding and it’s AB+? Christ, it’s like downing prune juice.


(Robert leaves the apartment behind. Trey walks in rubbing his eyes)


TREY: Babe, did you slip on your own robe again- (Trey uncovers his eyes and sees Colleen’s dead body) oh my God! (Trey checks Colleen’s pulse) Colleen, are you… (Trey backs up, frightened. He starts nervously singing) “When you see something that’s no fun, pick up your phone and call 9-1-1”!


(Trey pulls out his cell phone and starts dialing. Cut to Rob’s dark, empty home. Robert swings open the doors to his foyer and slams them behind him. Robert walks into his bedroom, shutters the blinds, and crawls under the covers. Cut to Altmire-Stone the following morning. Ryan is sitting at reception, scrolling through his phone. Whitney and McKenzie walk in. McKenzie is carrying the New York Times under her arm)


MCKENZIE: They haven’t found him?


WHITNEY: No, he just vanished last night.


(Ryan stands up)


RYAN: Is he dead?


WHITNEY: He’s Rob, we shouldn’t make funeral arrangements until we’ve seen a body cross-referenced with dental records. I wouldn’t put “faking his own death” past him.


MCKENZIE: I hope he’s okay. I mean, his father just died.


RYAN: Step-father.


MCKENZIE: Oh. Well, that softens the blow a bit.


(Cut to a black Uber driver pulling into the second level of a parking garage)


UBER DRIVER: Here we are.


(Robert, sitting in the back, pulls the black cloak off himself)


ROBERT: Thank you, my friend. You TOO should protect yourself from harmful UV rays.




(Robert emerges from the car, and it drives away. He then walks over to the elevators, enters one, and presses floor two. It goes up. Cut to Robert walking into the Altmire-Stone office. Ryan shoots up)



(Everybody sprints out of their offices and sees Rob)


BONNIE: Oh my God, you’re not dead!

ROBERT: Nope. Definitely not. Have a heartbeat and everything. Don’t feel it, though, because that’s sexual harassment.


MILES: I’m glad you’re okay, but I was really looking forward to profiting off your posthumous “cult icon” status.


ROBERT: It’s alright, everyone, I’m fine, I’ve never felt better!

(Robert smiles)


WHITNEY: Does Lilly know you’re okay?


ROBERT: She knows! Of course, no need to tell her. I have work to do however.


(Robert walks by a framed poster for “The Box”, and Ryan notices that Robert cast no reflection into the glass. He squints, confused. Robert shuts his office door and carefully avoids the light coming from the window. He draws the blinds and sits behind his desk. Bonnie comes in)


BONNIE: So, all you have today is a meeting with MGM at eleven. It’s basically a glorified circle-jerk, but you should probably study up.


ROBERT: Uh-huh. (Robert stands up) I bet you’re familiar with circle-jerks, aren’t you, Bonnie? You’re often the subject of them, no?


(Bonnie looks highly annoyed)


BONNIE: Good to see you’ve changed, Rob.


(Bonnie walks out of the room. Whitney comes in and closes the door, as Robert sits back. Whitney throws a copy of the LA Times onto Rob’s desk. The headline reads “TRUMP SUPREME COURT PICK NARROWED DOWN TO THREE FINALISTS”)


WHITNEY: You see this?


ROBERT: What? Is Trump gonna appoint three people to the Supreme Court? Can he do that?


WHITNEY: No, not that. Look at the sub-headline.


(Robert notices a headline reading “TV STAR COLLEEN DIAMOUND FOUND MURDERED- Actress was 22”)


ROBERT: Oh, yowza. That’s gotta hurt.


WHITNEY: …Are you kidding me? That’s your response.


ROBERT: Sorry, Whitney, I barely knew her. It’s real sad, but she’s a stranger to me.


WHITNEY: …Are you feeling okay? You look really pale for someone who fell asleep in the sun yesterday.


ROBERT: What can I say? I use a high SPF. Anything else, honey?


(Whitney grabs the LA Times from Robert’s desk)


WHITNEY: …Do you still want to go forward with the eleven o’clock with MGM? Since you seem to be, you know, under the weather? And by “under the weather” I mean “being a massive dick”?


ROBERT: I’ll meet with anyone. The show must go on. Hell, I’ll practice some of my best “Asian guy” jokes.


WHITNEY: Don’t do that.


(Whitney walks out of Robert’s office in a huff, as Robert smiles. Cut to Robert, Whitney, Bonnie, McKenzie, Hannah and Max Kisbye sitting in the conference room. Whitney and McKenzie are writing notes on the meeting)


WHITNEY: First of all, I want to, once again, deeply apologize for what happened the other week. My parents are truly insane people.


ROBERT: Their brain cell to tooth ratio is one to one.


(Everyone in the room chuckles)


MAX: I understand, and I hope that unfortunate incident does not provide any further impediments to this very exciting project.


HANNAH: Us too. I’ve been tasked to adapt Susan B. Anthony’s story, and we think-


ROBERT: Her story needs more raw, sexual energy. For instance, when she’s arrested for attempting to vote in 1872, she refuses to pay the fine, and yet the police take no further action. Why? Maybe a scene where Susan blows a Judge might be in order.


HANNAH: FOR the record, we have not discussed that AT ALL, and we would never do that idea.


ROBERT: Well, I just wanted to throw it out there. You see, Mr. Kisbye, people demand sex.


HANNAH: No, that’s what YOU do.


MAX: What is going on-


WHITNEY: Rob. Outside.


(Whitney stands up and walks out. Robert smiles)


ROBERT: Be back in a jiffy.


(Robert walks outside and Whitney gets up in his face)


WHITNEY: I don’t know what the hell’s gotten into you. But you are THIS close to being fired.


ROBERT: …You can’t fire me. I’m a partner, you have to buy me out.


WHITNEY: …Go home. We’ll talk about this later.


ROBERT: Gladly.


(Robert waves and walks towards the door. Ryan’s eyes follow him with intrigue. Cut to Robert’s home, later that night. Robert is drinking a glass of blood while watching Brian Williams deliver the news on MSNBC)


BRIAN WILLIAMS: EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt has resigned. Administrator Pruitt had countless ethical lapses, among them, using his office to get his wife a high-salary position, using taxpayer money for lavish air travel, and leaving the next generation an overheated, decimated planet.


ROBERT: Why do I get the feeling he’s one of us?


BRIAN WILLIAMS: In other news, MSNBC has lost one of our own. Ed Schultz has died at 64-


(Lilly bursts into the house and walks into the living room, as Rob quickly puts his cup of blood under the sink)




(Robert walks out of the kitchen)


ROBERT: Oh, honey, you’re home!


LILLY: Don’t FUCK around with me. Where did you go!?


ROBERT: I went to have a smoke, and then I left because I had better things to do than watch pretty colors with a merchant of death.


(Lilly angrily takes off her shoes and throws it at a nearby mirror, shattering half of it. She then does a double-take, as she notices Robert has no reflection in the other half of the mirror)


LILLY: Wha-what the fuck…what are you?


(Robert’s face turns full vamp)


ROBERT: You should’ve seen this coming.


(Lilly screams and runs out the door, as Robert chases her. Lilly runs across his yard and jumps into a recycling bin on the street. Robert comes onto the street, and if confused. He looks around but sees no one. He runs down another street. Lilly peeks her head out. Cut to Whitney in the kitchen, cooking spaghetti on the stove. Hannah is sitting at the table in the nook)


HANNAH: You never should’ve worked with that fucker.


WHITNEY: …I know…but it’s too expensive to buy him out. We have to basically convince him to resign.


HANNAH: Let’s just start our own company! “Delaney-Stone”!

WHITNEY: Babe, is the spaghetti supposed to be straight and hard still?


HANNAH: Jesus, Whitney.


(A knock at the door)


WHITNEY: I’ll get it, you watch this. (Whitney walks away and Hannah jumps up to survey the spaghetti. Cut to Whitney looking through the peephole and seeing Robert. She sighs and opens the door) What do you want?


HANNAH: (Off screen) WHO IS IT!?




ROBERT: Listen, I know you guys are mad at me, and you have every right to be. Just- can I come in? I have a lot to explain.


(Whitney sighs)




(Lilly begins banging against the sliding glass windows on the other side of the room. Whitney looks over to her)




(Hannah comes out of the kitchen, looking confused and scared. Whitney is in shock and looks back at Robert. Robert presses his hands upon the invisible forcefield preventing his entry)


ROBERT: DON’T LISTEN TO HER! SHE’S INSANE- (Robert looks at his hands, pressed against the forcefield) oh, shit.


(Whitney screams and runs upstairs. Hannah follows as Robert runs around the side of the house. Lilly runs off. Robert sees Lilly. She now has a stake. He walks up to her as she points the stake at Robert)




ROBERT: This foreplay has my boner confused, Lilly. (Robert kicks Lilly back, and she lands against Whitney and Hannah’s recycling can. She sits up as Robert lunges at her, she pulls out a cross and sticks it in his face. Robert recoils) Ah! Someone’s seen Buffy. Very impressive.


LILLY: I have, actually, it’s amazing.


ROBERT: You can’t stop me, Lilly. I’ll have friends soon.


LILLY: Well, that’s a first.


ROBERT: Fuck you, bitch.


(Robert starts to run away, falls down for a second, collects himself and runs away. Cut to Johnny Ramone, Rudolph Valentino and vampire Judy Garland playing cards outside the Swayze mausoleum. The chips are human teeth)


RUDOLPH: Alright, Judy, show ‘em.


(Judy shows a flush)


JUDY: It’s a flush.


JOHNNY: Goddamnit!

(Rudolph and Johnny throw their cards down as Judy rakes in the teeth)


JUDY: These better not be ceramic, like last time.


(Robert walks over to the three of them, smoking a cigarette)


ROBERT: I need your help.


JOHNNY: Oh, NOW you need our help.


ROBERT: Shut up, you brilliant bastard! (To Judy) Hi, Judy.


JUDY: Who is this?


ROBERT: I’m someone who will be remembered long after you’re forgotten.


RUDOLPH: She’s Judy fucking Garland.


ROBERT: Shut up, Rudy, you’re already forgotten. (To Johnny) Where do vampires like to hang out in the city? Besides this dump?


JOHNNY: Lately? They like “Shortsight” on Thayer Avenue in Century City. It’s a house-turned-gay club owned by that shitty director Miles Grothman. I sired a young man there a couple weeks ago. Although, to be honest, I’m not sure it made much of a difference. He might as well have not had a soul to begin with.


ROBERT: Can I get in without an invitation?


JOHNNY: Yeah, it’s a house, but during the night it’s open to the public.


ROBERT: Miles Grothman, huh?


RUDOLPH: You know him?


ROBERT: Yes, I do. You’re right, he’s no Cecil B. DeMille.


(Robert walks away. Cecil comes into frame)


CECIL: See? I told you fuckers he knew who I was!


(Cut to outside Miles’ house. A banner is hung across the house that reads “SHORTSIGHT”. Throbbing electronic beats pulsate within, vampires congregate and smoke outside. Robert walks to Miles’ front door and opens it. Inside, there is a variety of clubgoers- ravers, twinks, vampires and more jumping to the beat of the music. Robert pushes past them and sees the vampire version of Ashton sitting behind Miles’ kitchen table, wearing a black and white striped tank top and smoking a cigarette. Next to him sits a 50’s greaser type, leather jacket, slicked back hair, also clearly a vampire. Both have alcoholic drinks in front of them. Robert pulls up a chair and sits before them)


ROBERT: You two aren’t human.


ASHTON: What gave it away?


ROBERT: The aesthetic, mostly.


ASHTON: I’m Ashton. This is my subordinate-


ROBERT: James Dean?


ASHTON: …Jule, is his name.


JULE: And I’m not Ashton’s subordinate. He was sired a few weeks ago, I was sired during the panic of 1837.


ASHTON: And yet, I’m more ruthless than you could ever be.




ROBERT: Listen. I’ll split you two into equal parts if you don’t listen. I need a gang of vampires under my control to help me kill everyone who’s ever gotten in my way.


ASHTON: And why the fuck should we help you?


ROBERT: You tell me. Something tells me you’re not from the area.


ASHTON: …I recently returned from Germany, looking for someone. And just because I’m a vampire now, doesn’t mean I’m done looking for him.


ROBERT: I’ll help you find him, I know this city front and back.


ASHTON: …His name is Ryan Donahue. He escaped from my grasp in Germany last summer.


(Robert laughs)


ROBERT: That’s it? Shit, I have that guy’s number.


(Ashton shrugs)


ASHTON: Perfect.


JULES: What about money?


(Ashton puts out his cigarette)


ASHTON: You? You won’t be getting shit. Me, however? Judging by your obnoxiously expensive watch, I figure I’ll be sitting pretty.


ROBERT: We’ll work out the details later. Let’s go find my enemies, then Ryan.


(Robert, Ashton and Jule leave the club and run into Miles who is standing by the side of the building, smoking a joint)


MILES: Rob! You finally came! You wouldn’t believe how many times I mailed you invitations.


ROBERT: You mailed me something?


MILES: Still haven’t made an e-mail account, but it’s on my to-do list. (Miles takes a toke) You want some?


ROBERT: …Yeah. Yeah, I do.


(Robert gets closer and bites Miles on the neck)


MILES: What the fuck- AGHGGHHH!!!!


(Miles drops his joint, and Ashton picks it up and smokes it)


ASHTON: Ugh, what is this? Uruguayan ditch weed? If you weren’t dying, I could’ve hooked you up with Buddhist monk grown weed.


(Robert finally drains Miles and drops him to the ground)


ROBERT:  Alright, now we can go. (Robert, Ashton and Jule turn around to see Ryan standing there, his neck festooned with glow rings) Oh. Found him!

ASHTON: Ryan Donahue, as I don’t live and don’t breathe. I’ve been waiting for this moment.


(Ashton’s face transforms and he is about to lunge at Ryan)




(Robert holds Ashton back)






RYAN: I want to be sired.


(They stare at him)


ROBERT: …Really?


RYAN: Yes. I’m ready to belong somewhere.


(Robert smiles)


ROBERT: I may be evil, but I’m not a monster. You take this one, Ashton.


(Ashton smiles and bits Ryan in the neck. Ryan moans a bit)


JULE: Ooh.


ROBERT: He’s, uh, he’s enjoying that.


(Ashton drains Ryan and then takes out a switchblade and cuts himself across the sternum. He forces Ryan’s mouth upon it)


ASHTON: Dude, I have been hoping to get you on my side for a long-ass time. This is awesome.  (Ashton drops Ryan to the ground and his face turns back) Alright, where do you want to bury him?


ROBERT: Does a dumpster count?


JULE: Do you think that sets the right tone for his inclusion in our vamp-gang?


ASHTON: …Well, I’m not digging a hole, so…


(Cut to Jule, Robert and Ashton standing around near a dumpster, smoking cigarettes and talking)


ROBERT: I’m just saying, Godfather III isn’t as bad as people make it out to be-


JULE: You’re crazy!


ROBERT: I’m not!

(Ryan jumps out of the dumpster onto the pavement, a newly sired vampire)


RYAN: Guys, what the fuck? A dumpster?


ASHTON: Hey, you’re my white whale, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna build you a goddamn mausoleum, who do you think you are?


RYAN: Whatever, let’s just get going.


ROBERT: Good idea. Let’s get some rest. We have a lot to prepare for tomorrow.


(Robert smiles devilishly. Cut to Ryan standing in the elevator, with a similarly devilish grin. He gets off on the second floor of the Wilshire building. He walks down to the Altmire-Stone office. He throws open the door, it’s empty. He’s early. He walks into McKenzie’s office, takes a pen and jots into Whitney’s schedule “All-Hands Meeting- 11am”. He chuckles and walks out of the office. Time lapse to McKenzie coming into the busy office, walking past Ryan)


MCKENZIE: Morning, Ryan!

RYAN: Morning, Kenz.


(McKenzie stops at Ryan’s desk)


MCKENZIE: I don’t think I asked you yesterday how you liked the Hollywood Forever party on the fourth.


RYAN: I don’t really remember. I mean, I do, but I wasn’t feeling like myself that day, or, any day in the twenty-three years before that. Feel good now, though!

MCKENZIE: …That’s good! To be honest with you, I am also constantly dying inside.


RYAN: I’m already dead.


(McKenzie and Ryan both smile and fist bump)


MCKENZIE: Oh my Gosh, you’re cold to the touch.


RYAN: Probably the, AC or something. Did you know there’s a heat wave in LA?


MCKENZIE: I did hear about that. Well. Anyway. Gotta cover Whitney’s ass. See you around.


(Ryan smiles and McKenzie walks back to her office and sets her things down. Whitney comes in)


WHITNEY: Any meetings I forgot about?


MCKENZIE: Let me check. (McKenzie checks the schedule) Oh. There’s an all-hands meeting at eleven, apparently.


WHITNEY: About what?


MCKENZIE: It doesn’t say.


WHITNEY: I’m sure someone will remember the reason. Move it up to, now. I have to do lunch with Poppy later today.


MCKENZIE: Your dad?


WHITNEY: No. God no! The pop star. God no, not my dad. (Whitney goes back into her office, offscreen) Christ. (McKenzie shrugs and logs onto her computer. Whitney then comes back in) By the way, Rob’s a vampire now, thought I’d let you know.


(McKenzie looks at Whitney)




WHITNEY: You know what? We’ll just cover it in the meeting.


(Cut to Whitney, McKenzie, Luther, Bonnie, Hannah and Micah Schultz sitting in the conference room)


WHITNEY: Okay, does anyone remember why this meeting was set?


LUTHER: No clue. I assumed it was for McKenzie’s birthday or some shit.


MCKENZIE: Not for another month, but thanks for the well wishes!


(McKenzie hugs Luther. He tepidly pats her on the back as she relinquishes her embrace)


WHITNEY: Well, while we’re here, let’s address a rather pressing issue.


BONNIE: Is it “why is Rob not here”? And by extension, “how long am I gonna be here”?


LUTHER: And what about Miles?


WHITNEY: These are all great questions, team. Now let me fucking answer them. Mr. Altmire behaved unacceptably yesterday, and we would’ve terminated him for it, bought out his partnership share. But fortunately, he died.


MCKENZIE: Wait, what?


BONNIE: What do you mean he died?! Like, he actually died?


WHITNEY: Yes. Well, technically “yes”. You can still see him roaming around, because, he’s a vampire.


LUTHER: …I’m gonna need some hard evidence for this.


(Cut to Ryan at reception, on his cell phone)


RYAN: (Whispering) They started the meeting early. Get ready.


(Ryan hangs up. Cut back to the conference room)


BONNIE: Is this a sick joke?

HANNAH: No, guys, he tried to get into our house last night. Lilly warned us, so we didn’t invite him in. There was- there was literally a forcefield preventing him from getting in.


WHITNEY: As far as the legal matters go, Mr. Schultz is an expert in these sorts of things. Micah?


MICAH: Hi. Just moved here, really excited to dig in with you guys-


WHITNEY: Just, shut up and start.


MICAH: Great. So, Mr. Altmire’s death leaves his partnership stake dormant until a member of his estate claims it.


WHITNEY: And we don’t have to tell a member of his estate. So.


BONNIE: Sorry, I haven’t yet gotten over this whole, vampire thing?


HANNAH: Jesus, broken record much? We addressed it, let’s move on!

(Cut Ryan sitting at reception, nervously eyeing the door. He hears a faint knock. He springs into action, opens the door and lets in Robert, Ashton and Jules)


ROBERT: Good job, buddy.


RYAN: No problem! Do you guys want water, coffee, soda? Maybe blood?


ROBERT: Blood.


ASHTON: You know it’s blood, homeboy.


JULES: I’ll take a coffee. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night- (Ashton smacks Jules on the head) The fuck?!


RYAN: Feel free to interrupt this meeting.


ROBERT: Gladly.


(Robert swings open the door to the conference room, and everyone rises to their feet)



ROBERT: What? I don’t get invited to the All-Hands?!




(Hannah pulls off Bonnie’s cross necklace and hurls it at Rob’s face, it burns him for a second)


ROBERT: Ow! You bitch!



(Ryan, Ashton and Jules’ faces all contort, and they spring into action. Robert pushes Whitney against the wall, and Whitney jams her thumbs into Robert’s eyes. Ashton smacks down Luther, but Luther breaks a nearby wooden chair and points a stake in Ashton’s direction. Ashton smiles and wrests the stake from him, stabbing it in his chest)




ASHTON: SORRY, BROSEPH! I guess your acting career won’t take off after all!

LUTHER: How’d you know about my acting career?!


ASHTON: I saw that Hertz commercial you were in.


LUTHER: No shit? What’d you think?


(McKenzie comes up from behind Ashton with a folder and whacks him on the head. He drops Luther and throws McKenzie against the wall. McKenzie screams and runs, but Ryan and Jule hold her back. Meanwhile Whitney pushes Robert off of her, and he lands on the conference room table. Whitney picks up Bonnie’s cross necklace and gestures it at Robert)




ROBERT: It’s eleven in the morning, and I’m here, aren’t I? Don’t resort to slurs, Whitney, it’s ugly.


(Bonnie picks up the stake from Luther’s chest)




ROBERT: What was that?


WHITNEY: PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT! I know there’s still good in you, Robert.


ROBERT: I’m a demon, Whitney, that’s literally untrue.


(Bonnie creeps up behind Robert, as Ashton, Jule and Ryan all face towards Whitney. Whitney nods slightly to signal Bonnie to stake Robert. But suddenly, Lilly comes in)




(They all turn their attention towards Lilly. Bonnie pauses. Robert looks behind him and knocks the stake out of Bonnie’s hands and pushes her back to the wall)






LILLY: I have a way to fix him. All I need is a moment alone.


RYAN: Boss, it’s a trap, she’s going to kill you.


LUTHER: Does anyone care that I’m slowly dying?!


ASHTON: Put me down for “no”.


JULE: She’s obviously tricking you, Robert, don’t fall for it.


ROBERT: If she wanted me dead, she would’ve let Bonnie stake me. She puts on this gruff exterior, but it’s all an act. (Robert gets closer to Lilly) She’s just a little girl deep down.


HANNAH: Why does being a vampire make you sexist by default?


LILLY: Let’s go to your office.


(Robert turns to everyone else)


ROBERT: Keep them here. But don’t eat them until I get back.


JULE: Yes, sir.


ASHTON: Jesus, this foreplay makes German girls seem sexy and spontaneous.


RYAN: What about those Japanese girls, though?


ASHTON: Incredible.


(Ryan and Ashton high-five)


ROBERT: DON’T eat them. We’ll be right back.


(Robert and Lilly go into Robert’s office. Lilly closes the door and puts Robert against the wall. His face returns to a normal human face)


LILLY: You know…I’ve always appreciated the “bad boy” aesthetic. This scared the shit out of me at first, but…my God, you’re irresistible now.


(Robert smiles)


ROBERT: I knew you’d come around. (Robert and Lilly start making out. Robert and Lilly drop their pants and end up on Robert’s desk, fucking. Robert is thrusting, but Lilly cringes a bit, and holds up her hand. Robert stops) What?


LILLY: Sorry, it’s just- your dick is very cold, and I have to take a second to get used to it.


ROBERT: Oh. Sorry.


LILLY: Yeah, it’s like, wading in a pool for the first time since last summer. Just give me a second.


(Cut to Ashton, Ryan, Jule, Whitney, Hannah, McKenzie and Luther standing around in the conference room, listening to Robert and Lilly have sex)


ASHTON: …This is such bullshit. Why did I agree to this?


JULE: Just be patient, the feeding will come.


ASHTON: I used to be the boss of a massive drug-dealing operation, and now that I have eternal life, super strength and no soul, I’m a lackey to a reality show clown.


RYAN: Now you know how Stephen Miller feels. Do you know who sired him?


JULE: Just be patient, alright?! If you start feeding, Robert will kill us himself.


(Cut to Robert sitting against the wall in his office, smoking a cigarette, his hair disheveled, reveling in the afterglow. Lilly is sitting on the desk)


ROBERT: Ahhh, I am glad I am still capable of doing that. What would happen if we had a child? Would they be half-vampire? What would that be like?


LILLY: I don’t know.


ROBERT: Well, even if he’s half-vampire- (Robert stands up, his face contorts again) he’ll have two vampire parents.


(Lilly exposes her neck)


LILLY: I beg of you, Robert.  (Robert lunges at Lilly, but Lilly abruptly opens the blinds, exposing Robert to sunlight. He screams and recoils, but Lilly pushes him towards the window, and he evaporates to dust. Lilly cavalierly wipes the dust off herself) Ugh. (Lilly pulls out a stake) Time to finish this.


(Lilly walks out of the office and into the conference room to find, in horror, that everyone besides Ashton, Ryan and Jule are dead, drained of their blood. Lilly gasps)


ASHTON: Sorry, we got hungry. Tell Robert we’ll make it up to him.


LILLY: …Yeah, he’s dust.


(Ryan, Ashton and Jule all look at each other)



(Jule lunges at Lilly, but she sweeps his legs and stabs him in the back, turning him to dust.


LILLY: Anyone else want to play? (Ashton and Ryan panic, and push Lilly aside as they run out of the room. Lilly goes over to the strewn bodies of Whitney, Hannah, McKenzie, Luther and Bonnie. She drops to her knees and starts sobbing. Cut to Evergreen Cemetery in Los Angeles. Lilly and Kevin are standing before a tombstone reading “MCKENZIE PARK, August 8, 1994 – July 6, 2018”. Lilly puts her hand on Kevin’s shoulder, as he quietly cries) I’m so sorry, Kevin.


KEVIN: …She was…she was my everything. I don’t understand this- what happened?


LILLY: It was a massacre. We still have four more graves to visit.


KEVIN: Five, actually. They discovered Miles dead early this morning.


LILLY: …Christ. Let’s get started, I guess.


(Kevin and Lilly walk away. Time lapse to night time. Ryan and Ashton approach the grave)


ASHTON: …Any second now.


(McKenzie rises from the grave, a newly sired vampire)


MCKENZIE: Hiiii! Oh my Gosh, I am so excited to see you guys.


RYAN: How about a group hug?


MCKENZIE: That would be amazing.


(Ryan, McKenzie and Ashton laugh hysterically as they group hug. Cut to McKenzie abruptly waking up next to Rob at Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Night has now fallen)



(Rob wakes up)


ROB:  Wha- what is it?


LILLY: Oh, thank God. (Lilly puts her hand on his shoulder) You’re here.


ROB: Ow! (Lilly recoils) Don’t touch the sunburn.


LILLY: Right, sorry.


ROB: Did you have a nightmare?


LILLY: Yes. Worse than real life? Only slightly.


ROB: Hey, Alex Jones says the left is gonna start a Civil War today, so, don’t underestimate reality.


LILLY: Whatever. I just hope these stupid flashing lights start soon.


(The fireworks begin to go off)


ROB: See what I did? See how romantic that was?


LILLY: Thanks. (Rob puts his arm around Lilly’s shoulder) …Can I trust you?


(Rob looks at Lilly)


ROB: Of course. (Beat) Why?


LILLY: …No reason.


(Lilly and Rob look at the fireworks. We linger on a shot of the fireworks shooting up into the sky as we cut to black)





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