You Can Pretend You Don't Miss Me

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


I'm back :)

Submitted: July 08, 2018

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Submitted: July 08, 2018

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God I think I love him. Broken-down-stand-up, text-and-I'll-answer kind of love him. But how can someone possibly love someone that hurts them over and over again ? Maybe it's because he was my first official boyfriend. I think that's it because no one would ever agree to ride a toxic roller coaster for no reason.

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After we broke up I went ballistic. I stopped consuming and I slowly stopped living. But you know when someone flatlines and the doctor gives that person an electrical shock as they restore the sound of that person's heart beat ? He was my electrical shock. He would disappear but then resurface and give me life. I just didn't know the consequences of it. 

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Two years later he returned. He was in my life and he wanted to stay, permanently-but he didn't want anything serious. And I did not take myself seriously either. I needed reassurance that after everything falling apart in my life, I would have some stability, so I foolishly agreed. He subconsciouly flirted and won me over and like a puppet I handed myself to him... 

Pictures give us glimpses of time spent making memories. But it also can destroy someone. 

The pictures shared destroyed me. He got what he wanted and I? I felt miserable but I put a smile on my face and I let it go on for the whole summer until I finally couldn't withstand the pressure of the click as in seconds, it filled his screen and gave him pleasure. 

I lost it. 

"Don't talk to me unless you have something important to say." 

Out of nowhere and out of the blue I ended our summer fling but he took what I said seriously. We stopped talking. 

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I entered high school wanting something different. I dyed my hair and cut off all the toxic people out of my life. I was in more challenging classes, meaning that I rarely saw any mistakes of my middle school days. Except for him. I still saw him in the hallways. But we would never talk until November. 

"Hey" sent 11.07.15

"hey ?" sent 11.10.15

"What's up?" sent 11.10.15

"Nm. We haven't talked in forever" sent 11.10.15

"I wonder why." sent 11.10.15

"Then why are you talking to me now ?" sent 11.11.15

"My friend initiated it" sent 11.11.15

But honestly I was doing well. I was happy and talking to a nice senior in my art class. Until a foreign exchange student entered into his grade half way through the year. I thought I was over it but seeing how my heart would shatter every time I saw them together meant otherwise. But what did I do ? I ignored the shit out of it until summer came. 

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My sophomore year came and so did a hot junior. I finally made real friends, the artsy cool ones. But little did I know that he also made new acquaintances. He took the hot junior under his wing but things didn't stop there. My art class was at the end of the hallway, the hallway that we shared-seeing that his Italian class was at the beginning of it. And so Margo, the rebellious popular girl, created the stare-at-me-and-watch-me-as-I-pass game. It worked. 

His group of friends would push him towards me and they would push the hot junior towards Margo. I had to give her that. So I never told her about my crush, as a friend, I would rather die than fight over a boy. 

Junior promposal season came and, I don't know, I felt something one day. We both dressed up and delayed our walk because they were not appearing in the hallway yet. As we turned the corner, they appeared behind us, looking both ways. When one of his friends spotted me they all yelled at us to come back. They pushed him towards my direction but we kept walking. 

A week later I found out that he asked this girl from my soccer team. 

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My junior year commenced and we started talking again. I don't remember how it all began but this time it was more serious. The thing about us is that we were always good friends from the start. We had so many things in common and we had almost the same personalities. I mean-we were both libras.

Halfway through we started flirting but then the picture conversation came up. I told him the real reason why I flipped out and stopped talking to him three years ago. We talked about it and he apologized because I never told him how miserable I felt. He promised he wouldn't ask anymore.

He called me pretty. But I joked that we were just good friends. I guess he took it seriously. But then how, how in the world did he still continue to flirt with me ? 

See here's the thing- when I start talking to someone with even the remote possibility of me liking them I stop any other conversation with any other guy. Even if we are just friends. That's just me. I give all or nothing of my attention. And I always expected the same in return. 

I was wrong. 

I took the time out of my day to help him with school one day. We agreed to meet up in the morning at the cafeteria. He got there late. But in the meantime he sent me pictures of him in a car with a girl I had never seen before. 

God why am I so oblivious? 

He found me. I was so nervous and I ignored his snapchats. This was the first time we had ever talked in person since we dated. I forgot that his eyes were hazel and I remembered that pictures always failed to portray that. I forgot about how tender his smile was. I also forgot how much love I bestowed on him as my stomach filled with butterflies and my voice started to shake. I helped him only for 3 minutes. But I was so over the place that he asked if I could help him another day because homeroom started in 4 minutes and he didn't want me to be late. He apologized for getting there late and thanked me while holding eye contact the whole entire time. And like an idiot I giggled and was mesmerized by the overlapping brown and green in his stare. 

That afternoon I got a weird call to go down to guidance. It was for something dumb but it happened for a reason. I saw as he walked in the opposite direction of where he would usually park his car. 

I'm a girl. I know when something's not right. 

He sent me a snapchat as I unlocked the door to my house. He was still in school. 

"What are you still doing there?" I asked. 

"Oh lol. I was waiting for her." And a picture of a pretty girl took over  his screen. I just stared at it. As the ten seconds went up I couldn't bear to respond to him. But he persisted. He snapchatted twice in the course of 2 hours. I finally relented and responded. 

"Mhm." >>>>>>> was sent with a black screen.

"I'm bored"

"Mhm. >>>>>>> was sent with a black screen.

"Wyd?"

"Mhm." >>>>>>> was sent with a black screen. 

"Are you okay?"

"Mhm." >>>>>>> was sent with a black screen. 

"Jules what's wrong?" 

"Idk. I guess I don't want to impose seeing that you have a gf."

"Hahaha. She's not my gf YET lol" he said as my heart sank. 

I left him on read. But after five hours of trying to distract myself from thinking about it and of him sending other snapchats, I had to get things off of my chest. 

"I know that you don't owe me anything because we aren't anything but damn. I've never felt more let down. If you never felt any way towards me then you could have at least spared me my feelings."

"What are you talking about? I care about you and I would never want to hurt you." 

"Matt are you dumb? Seriously." 

"What do you mean?" 

"At first when we started talking this year I felt like we became really close again. And honestly, yes, I started liking you again and I literally made it clear. Why else would we be each other's number one on snapchat? Why else would I try making plans with you and flirt with you and only you? And right now I'm trying to respect your decision and I'm not responding but you keep on persisting." 

"You never told me you liked me, like I really thought you just wanted to be friends. Like when you first talked to me again I thought you wanted something with me but after you told me that all you wanted for us was to be good friends I was like damn. I guess she doesn't want anything with me so I was like okay we can just be really good friends. But I really never thought that you still like liked me. I really wish I knew before. And I keep trying to talk to you because you have been my friend since forever."

The part where he said that he "really wished he knew before" made my chest tighten. What if I had chosen my words differently? What if when he asked to hangout with me at the arcade one day, I said yes instead of blowing him off? Would things have happened differently? 

"Tell me what you would have done if clearly admitted it to you sooner? Because why else would you have said that you 'really wished you knew before?'" I replied with hope. 

"When we first met in middle school why do you think we dated? Because I told you how I felt about you. And I really can't tell you because Saundra and I are like dating now. I asked her two hours ago. I want to. But I cant." 

What if I clarified my feelings towards him two hours ago? 

We argued back and forth endlessly. But things remained the same. He asked me in the end about us. About what would happen to us. 

"I have to respect your relationship with her. I want to stay friends with you but I can't. It would kill me." I replied. 

"Okay I respect that. But just know that I wish I knew before. And I really did hope we could remain friends now" 

I stopped replying and lay awake all night thinking of our inside jokes, our shared memes, all of the good conversations between him and I. Three days went by and he snapchatted me. I would never reply but he continued to snapchat me everyday for 5 days until I finally answered. 

We continued where we left off in our friendship. But it looked like she knew about me. Something that was later confirmed by him. Her best friend followed me on Instagram and she later followed a few days later. I accepted the request but I wouldn't let myself be tortured by her possible posts so I never follwed back. 

He started flirting again. And as it escalated I had to stop him. He would regain himself but do it all over again. And my response? I let him. Like an idiot I let him because I still liked him. We got so close that we soon became each other's number one best friend on Snapchat again. 

One day my best friend asked me a question. 

"What would happen if he broke up with her and asked you out? What would you say? Because honestly don't you think that he would not take you seriously? I mean c'mon he says he loves her but flirts with you and never posts her on his Instagram yet her profile picture is the two of them. Why do you think he's doing that? To protect your feelings? Sure. But if he's doing this now wouldn't he just do the same to his next girlfriend?"

I didn't listen. But soon after he asked for pictures again as his graduation present. 

I flipped. 

"No. I respect your relationship with her. I can be many things but I could never be that girl that steals another girl's boyfriend. So no. As long as you are in a relationship I can't do that."

"I can ask her"

"what ?"

He wasn't kidding. He sent me a screenshot of their conversation. He asked her. Using my name he asked if she would mind if him and I were friends with benefits. She didn't think it was funny. Neither did I.

The next day he finally posted a picture of them on his Instragram where he wrote a whole paragraph of how much she meant to him and how much he loved her. 

I was done. Mentally and emotionally I had to finally get off of the roller coaster. Every once in a while he would try having a streak with me again but after a some time I had the strength to ignore him and I even started talking to someone else. After 7 years I finally got off the ride. 


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