I'm Sorry Heart, For Everything

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 09, 2018

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Submitted: July 09, 2018



I feel myself falling into another addiction: Shopping as a means of distraction. Distraction from things that still are not in fruition, To love myself when others do not want to.

Am I too self-sufficient for the fools Who only want to fool around? Or am I too closed off at the first signs of dangerous waters, Yet too open until compromises are tossed?

I'm sorry I tear my heart open, That I wear it on my sleeve for all the wrong-intended, Sew myself shut, shut myself away from the genuine, Rinsing and repeating like we're not already dying.

I'm sorry heart, you don't deserve such abuse.

I know as well as you that their potential lies perfect, untouched, Yet free will often corrupts those I thought were good for us. It's taken too long to see that the same cycles repeat. It's taken longer to see exactly why that is.

Is it me or is it them? I never know whose fault it is. What the hell are the lessons learned?! I never know what God wants from me!

The universe itself a cold mistress Disposing of my love when it no longer fits; Scattering my notions and wishes everywhere, Internal dialogues fighting for control.

I used to struggle over how I should treat others. Now I struggle between I want, and what I SHOULD want. Do I let others go? That's what they do anyway. Do I fight to keep someone around? I'm already too tired to do it again. Do I adamantly assert my ways of being, my heart, and my sanity? Who's to say the next person will stay, or the next one will leave?

Some are better off being superficial, demanding; corrupt. I used to be better off abusing my own power, Abusing my abusers, using the users; Stepping all over the masterminds of every love game.

Putting people in their place is all I ever thought I was good for.

For a time, it's who I thought I was meant to be. But how can I be tolerant of all the atrocities I see? If we're all reflecting what we experience, deflecting any blows, How are any of us supposed to grow?

We perpetuate the same stories because most of us are oblivious, And no one wants to break free and seek inside themselves, The answers they wish to see outside. I myself keep trying yet I still don't know, where the hell to go.

When it comes to love, I'm not a fool on how to act. I am that fool who never sees what the universe has planned for me. It's tiring, to say the least. It's demoralizing, perplexing, and demotivating me.

But maybe it's precisely these revelations that I needed, The lessons the universe set me up to experience. My heart, you are so tired yet so strong, It's time to rest now. I'm sorry heart, for everything.

Can you forgive me?

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