Conflicted

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic


Long time no rambling, I’m back at it again. Random thoughts here and there, feedback is much appreciated.

Submitted: July 09, 2018

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Submitted: July 09, 2018

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Random Thoughts and Ramblings:

I can’t think of a way to ease into this rambling mess, so I won’t bother with a drawn out introduction. I’m feeling awful right now. This entire day has been of great shock to me due to a sudden onslaught of depressive thoughts and emptiness. My disposition as of late has been quite sunny, albeit my OCD sticking around like an irritating “friend”. This current feeling (or even lack thereof) has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have a few guesses as to what has attributed to it.

First of all, I’ve recently celebrated my birthday, having legally become an adult. On one hand, I find myself acknowledging this with a clear head, working towards gaining more independence and being even more responsible. Yet I also feel like a dumb child, sitting in the corner wearing a dunce cap watching everybody else seemingly already have their shit together. I can admit that the latter is a tad bit silly, considering I haven’t even been 18 for a month, and noting the fact that not many people at my age truly have their shit together. They probably just pretend to, and I’m falling for the facade.

Anyway, something that has suddenly brought great levels of stress to me is college. I had intended on attending school in the spring, as I liked the idea of having a few extra months to truly focus on work/saving money, achieving fitness goals, writing my books, etc. I also wanted to avoid taking a gap year, out of concern that the long break would leave me completely unmotivated to return to school and keep putting off the inevitable. The point is, my Mom has suddenly pushed the idea of attending school in the fall on me. She said that taking at least a couple classes would be a good idea.

Here’s the thing... I actually agree. Taking one or two classes would ease me into college life before planning a somewhat more “packed” schedule in the spring. But what’s throwing me off is that I’d put this idea into my head for awhile that’s suddebly changing. As if this mental train has been derailed and I’m suddenly scrambling to fix this disaster. Yet at the same time, I feel ridiculous for being stressed, because I KNOW it’s a good idea. I know I’m psyching myself out, but I’m still filled with dread. I don’t know what to make of it.

I’m well aware that I probably sound like a baby to some people (or more than some, who knows). But I’m just thinking of my attendance in the spring (that will involve my more packed schedule), and I’m concerned that I won’t be able to handle it well. I don’t want to find myself having a breakdown over normal circumstances that are apart of adult life. I’m flushed with embarrassment as I type this, because I can only imagine what some people would think of this, or just my thoughts in general. I don’t know what to make of them myself, after all. 

A few months ago, I had plans of meeting with a professional to discuss my mental health, but those fell through. My Dad doesn’t “believe” in mental illness, which makes me feel like I’m a goddamn joke. Hell, whoever’s reading this probably thinks that I am. But I still have a desire to have that discussion and know of better coping mechanisms. Should I press for that to happen? I have no idea. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I know I’m ending this off on somewhat of a random note, but I’m finding that my thoughts are jumbled. This is an authentic example of the mess that my head can be at times, I suppose. That’s rather dramatic, I’m aware. I will say this... I’ve been through these depressive episodes a countless number of times, but I surprisingly have more hope this time around (overall). I can find relief in that fact. 

~Lily 

*Please leave a comment below, but then again, this was kinda insufferable haha 


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