Momma

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 10, 2018

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Submitted: July 10, 2018

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“Momma”

You and me

The two of us

Against the world

Or at least that’s the way it should have been

Our relationship

complicated

Even now

That you’ve been gone for 17 years

I was formed in your womb

Created close to your heart

Hearing your heartbeat

From the inside

Closer than any two humans can be

Soul deep connection

Not cut with the umbilical cord

Our bond will last forever

Think about how endless that is

To the depths of our souls

Rooted together

Grander than the Great Giant Sequoia

Forever connected

In a way words can’t adequately express

No matter how hard I try

But, here’s the thing…

You hurt me

Hurt

Me

To the core of my soul

Your actions and words slashed into me

Far reaching 

Through a dismal abyss

The cuts significant 

I almost didn’t survive

I am healed now

However, in remembrance to all I’ve been through

To the little girl I was

Little me

Trying to please big you

Little me

Looking up to you like you were a god

Little me

Aching for your love

Little me

Trying to figure out the world without you

Yes

You were there physically

Showing up to girl scouts

Showing up to my sporting events

Showing up to school activities

Showing up to make sure

Everyone knew

How great a mom you were

How dedicated you were

Yet you didn’t see me

Didn’t see me

Me

A person who had the right to

Think

Speak

Feel

Be

 Survive

A person who had the right 

To a voice

To breath

Why did you want to destroy me?

To control me?

Was it because you were that scared

Of the world

Or what I might become?

What you missed

Oh you missed out

I am not a ten on Trump’s rating scale

But what I am

is much more

I am a survivor

Doing everything you said I couldn’t

I missed out too

I missed out on a 

Loving relationship with my momma

I missed out on trusting

The person I was most connected to

I missed out on a piece of heart

That was a God-given right

I missed out

On a part of myself

I can never get back

That I can never have

Even though

It should have been you and me 

Against the world

And I had to grieve 

But I’m okay

But

Here’s the thing 

I love you momma

That will never go away

Even now that you’re gone 17 years

We will forever be connected

Hopefully, someday to be reunite in a healthy

Functional, healing way

Here’s the thing 

Rest in peace, momma



Anxiety

Tiptoed in when I was a little girl

An uninvited monster

Who did not hide in the closet

Or under the bed

 

Who let it in?

Was it forefather’s sin?

All they did wrong

Put onto me

At the age of three

Not letting me be

 

Was it genetics?

Stored in the DNA of ancestors

Passed down the family tree branches

Like a weeping willow whispering the word:

Fear

Whispering the word:

Pain

Whispering the words:

You will never be enough

You will

Never

be safe

 

Did experience bring it in?

Allowing the monster to come

From the womb of my mother

Yelling, screaming, defiling me

Her attacks cutting deeper than

Any weapon could inflict

 

I have written about Mom before

Unfortunately, there is more

 

Daddy

I never write about you

Or the times you brought anxiety

To me

The monster to roam in my head

To tighten my chest

Until I cannot breathe

It knots my stomach

Until I want to heave

 

You too Daddy

The one I try to wrap up

In a blanket of protection

Like a swaddled baby against his mother’s bosom

 

The protection I should have gotten

From you

As daddy’s baby girl

A father’s love

Meant to protect

Against the dangers of the world

Instead of the dangers that were you

 

You watched her abuse me

But did not say a word

You did not put your foot down

to stop it

You did not take a stand

You did not take a step forward

Did not step up

Did not step on

Did not step in

Instead You quietly made a sandwich

Let that sink in

 

Understandable issues of a Vietnam Vet

But yet

Did you have to let the monster get me too?

A daddy’s love

Who drove me around drunk

Where I thought, I would die

CRASH

Anxiety Crashing waves

Through an ocean of hounds

While you went to the bar

Drinking your problems down

 

But Daddy

You left your problems at home

To fend for themselves

With a mentally ill wife

Who took your infidelity out on us

Who took your departure out on us

Who needed you

And took her need out on us

 

You left your children

Who would spend a lifetime trying to fix you

And those like you

hoping to reach you

Holding the weight

Like carbs that cling to the body

Not wanting to let go

Without a fight

Making us carry the pain

 

Working 60 hours per week

money held above our heads

Workaholic: Is that a thing?

Is there a rehab for that?

Did working all of the time

Make you feel accomplished

Make you feel like a good person

Or was that the only thing you thought you were needed?

It was not true

We needed you, too

 

Work

Bar

Home to wife

To fight

Work again

Bar Again

Home to Wife

To fight

Again

 

Where was my time?

Was it in all I got to watch

Like an outsider

Never invited in

Vicariously living in dysfunction

 

There are so many things you did not stop

Even after you knew

Even after I told you

What they did

 

You remained quiet

Getting ready for work

Getting ready for the bar

Getting ready to argue

With your wife

Ignoring me

Not allowing my voice

Or my needs

To get in your way

 

Parents and the power they hold over their children

For a lifetime

A lifetime of getting better

From the sickness cast

The anxiety of trying to be good enough

To make the world a safe place for a family

With a soft place to land

 

Anxiety

No matter how the monster got in

That monster that came

When I was a little girl

I now have power, too

I have the power

To put anxiety in its place

To stand up to it

And tell it:

“No

Not today

Stay away

You will not win today”

I will defeat the beast

And live my life

A life of love

A life of forgiveness

Even when it hurts

 

I hope you chose the same

Do not let the monster win

Even if it has come in

It is not so strong

When we stand together

And continue to love

Understand

And forgive

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 


© Copyright 2019 Christine Cooper. All rights reserved.

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