Nightmares & Daydreams -excerpts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 12, 2018

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Submitted: July 12, 2018

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[not so] Invincible.

I took a shower when I made it in, but I’m still leaking. And—

I did laundry immediately, but I’m still reeking.

Damn those burning incense .

Sitting here trying to figure out what happened.

How many times did I utterno, and—

How many times did you choose to hear go?

Right now it’s all a blur,

But I’m raw between my knees; so—

something happened

without consent.

 

Replaying the series of events;

What did I have on?

What did I say?

You’ll say it was the pheromones.

I’d say you’re a hazard zone.

No blinking lights,

No warning signs,

With no self-control. 

 

Don’t think I’ve ever heard myself sound so weak.

You’d be surprised who you become when

you’re forced to succumb to the insecurities of someone you thought you could trust.

You lay there breathing, but lifeless.

Maybe you always felt like a fighter,

but you don’t know that you can fight this.

Don’t want to hear anything, but you’re frightened by the silence.

You have words,

but they too are lifeless.

 

 

 

 

Sweet Tooth.

and I’d do it again, because –

this celibacy thing isn’t really working for me.

I never know if I’m going or coming;

Well I know I’m not cumming,

Just don’t know if I’m going to make it to marriage.

I basically shattered Pandora’s box

Four years ago.

Found all the pieces, glued them back together, and

became a jagged perfect piece of art.

An oxymoron.

Then stupidly tapped in again

one year ago,

but he didn’t even have a big enough ego,

to make it worth it.

You ever heard of a milk chocolate sucker?

It sucks, not being able to self sooth, or

Suck ‘til you ooze.

I remember one night,

it was the fresh start to a week;

so why not get him weak?

Drinks with my bestie turned into a mess

with a quick text.

One thing led to another, and

Much obliged, he returned my kindness with kisses.

He missed his ole lady, and –

I missed my hard-caramel candy.

Now fast forward two years,

and I don’t know how to subdue the urges.

Some days I want love;

On others, I salivate for one of those suckers:

Caramel, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, it doesn’t matter.

Just let me satisfy this sweet tooth, soon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

candid conversations.

 

Learning that love isn’t necessarily the infatuation of,

Them being too good to be true,

or not being able to take my eyes off you.

Maybe more like I got you even if I’m down to my last two.

Living in this fictional reality.

Polluted conversations doused in sweet red wine,

Deep sighs at the good times and

cries of why.

Probably could be in love by now if it wasn’t for,

Tony or Terry or Quentin;

Nah I could have been in love by now if it wasn’t for,

Me.

Wait, what’s the definition of insanity?

It’s listening to all the same 90’s R&B jams cyclically,

expecting them to come true.

I’m writing four-page letters to niggas that: 

don’t read, can’t read or just chose not to. 

It’s 2017, and I’m sounding a lot like Monica and Brandy.

Coming across more scrubs than TLC. 

Sitting up in my room, trynafigure out how,

my ex is still a factor, because Ms. Lauryn I haven’t experienced reciprocity since—

well never. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

release. 

Tonight, I want to occupy my floorspace.

Lay here aimlessly and stretch;

Maybe draft a new poem.

 

I love the rush that comes when my pen is stroking the paper, 

getting my poetic juices are flowing.

I’m always amazed at my performance when I go back and read.

 

But, tonight it’s not the same— 

writer’s block.

Biting down on my lip and sucking the excess saliva.

There seems to be no climax in sight.

So, I flip the page and start over;

coming from a different angle,

Now, I’m at a steady pace.  

 

 

 

Ode to What Should have been..

[daddy]

I wish you were here to know me..

To hold me

To show me

To uplift me..

I wish you could have told me that,

They don’t care.

I wish you knew the difference between,

How I cry due to pain, and 

When I cry cause beauty hurts, or

When I cry because him and I didn’t work.

What about when I laugh?

How it sounds when I’m purposely trying to annoy you, or

When it’s too loud for everyone else, or 

When it’s not genuine, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

I wish you were here to show me how to work the dance floor;

To escort me every year to that dance, that’s so special

Even for girls like me.

I wish you were here to try to comb my hair, and 

To make me change my clothes because puberty hit,

And suddenly nothing fits, like it did before.

I needed you – 

To be my first love, my first trust; 

Instead of my first heartbreak.

And I need you, still.

A lot of days I’m on the cusp of –

Letting you go or letting my heart draw near.

Every. Single. Thing. reminds me of what wasn’t, but – 

What should have been.


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