My Brother's Passing

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


My younger brother passed away from colon cancer earlier this year. I wanted to get my feelings out.

Submitted: July 13, 2018

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Submitted: July 13, 2018

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Watching this young man lying on the couch,
so gaunt, his breaths heavy, eyes half closed,
his baby picture hangs above the mantle.
The stark difference between bouncing baby and emaciated man
hits at my gut and tears start to form in the corner of my eyes.
I remember him as a boy,
blond hair and bright blue eyes,
playing with his little cars in the dirt.
How did he become this?
Why did this happen to him?
He hadn't experienced all the things a young person should experience.
Diagnosed at 20.
Dying at 22.
He was such a good kid,
innocent and good.
He'd been so brave throughout this nightmare,
hardly complaining about his suffering,
the pain, the burden.
He had admitted his depression to me a couple of times,
and I wasn't ever sure how to comfort him.
I didn't know what it was like to be dying.
But now, here I am, watching it happen, 
right in front of me.
My baby brother,
blond hair now a light brown,
bright blue eyes now fading away,
his own body destroying him from the inside.
He had so much hope for the future,
that he could beat this.
Now he only speaks nonsense,
his mind fading like his very being.
I hope he knows that I was with him,
that I held his hand,
that I listened to him,
though his speech was slurred.
I want his suffering to end,
but I don't want him to go.

And then he went.
Two days before he was so restless.
That day he was so calm.
He asked for a pain pill and went to sleep,
and didn't wake up.
I sat across from him, just to be with him,
since he passed at night all alone.
I wasn't sure what to do,
but I just didn't want to leave him alone.
When the nurse and the pastor arrived
that's when I left his side.
And when they finally took his lifeless body out of the house
I couldn't watch.
I couldn't be there as they put him on a gurney
and into a body bag. 
That would've been too final,
too real.
The nurse saw me in the corner as they took him out the door,
she rubbed my back and I cried.

After everyone left, I walked into the woods.
I screamed.
I yelled.
I cursed.
The unfairness of it all.
How could someone so good and kind and innocent
have his life taken like that?
Long and painful.
He should have been here longer.
He should have been able to accomplish his goals,
to see more of the world,
to experience more of the world.
There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about,
to get his opinion about.
Now I can't.
Now I won't be able to have car ride conversations
about music, politics, life with him anymore.
He's gone. 
I have to accept it.
I don't know if he's in a better place or whatever now,
but he's not here.
I love you, brother.


© Copyright 2019 Kelli Solis. All rights reserved.

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