The Valley of the Tools Episode 11

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Bonnie and Noel struggle to keep their new relationship a secret, Rob has to throw Jamie and her Russian mobsters off the scent and McKenzie grows tired of the constant check-ins from Kevin and her

Submitted: July 14, 2018

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Submitted: July 14, 2018









“The comedy of man starts like this: our brains are way too big for our mothers' hips. And so nature, she divines this alternative: we emerge half-formed and hope whoever greets us on the other end is kind enough to fill us in”

  • Josh Tillman


(We start with a shot of a coffee mug that reads “WORLD’S SEXIEST BOSS”. Rob lifts it to his mouth to drink it, as Hannah, Miles, Luther and Joss Payne sit before him in his office)


HANNAH: So, Astro-Manda is going along alright, but we have some disagreement over her love interest.


(Rob puts the mug down)


ROB: Why? Do you want to make her lesbian? We can do that.


HANNAH: No, it’s just that in the books, Astro-Manda falls in love with a man she rescues from a Neptunian dragon. In the script, Joss insists that she fall in love with a man who rescued HER from a Neptunian dragon.


JOSS: You’re not telling him the whole story.


HANNAH: Oh, yes, there is tentacle rape involved while the Neptunian Dragon is holding Astro-Manda hostage.


LUTHER: You wanted to emphasize that, Joss?


JOSS: Very much so.


ROB: It’s a dragon, why the hell does it have tentacles?


MILES: It’s a Neptunian dragon!


JOSS: Thank you!


MILES: Obviously way different from a normal Earth dragon.


HANNAH: “Normal Earth dragon”? You know there aren’t dragons, right?


MILES: I’ve seen some YouTube videos that would argue otherwise.


JOSS: You’ve heard of lizard people, right? There are secret dragons in U.S. politics, too.  Brett Kavanaugh is a secret dragon.


LUTHER: Then is Anthony Kennedy a crouching tiger? (They all look at him) I thought it was funny.


ROB: Look, clearly, I am in favor of-


BONNIE: (Offscreen) Rob! Todd Gates is here for you!

ROB: Everyone out.


(Rob stands up, and Luther, Miles, Joss and Hannah all funnel out as a shady, trench coat-wearing white man, mid-forties, brown hair, comes in and closes the door)


TODD: Nice to see you again, Robert.


ROB: Sit down.


(Todd sits down, as does Rob)


TODD: Nice office. Who got you that mug?


ROB: I got it. Figured it represents what people think of me anyhow.


TODD: You got a nice-looking assistant, I think I recognize her from somewhere.


ROB: Look, let’s skip any small talk that’s not directly related to me and get down to brass tacks, huh?


TODD: You get a haircut?


(Rob smiles)


ROB: Yeah, I’m going for the Eminem, circa 2002 look. Or, really, Eminem at any point in his life.


TODD: You want to hear about Jamie?


ROB: Yes, go ahead.


TODD: Jamie’s in LA.


ROB: Shit.


TODD: She arrived last night. Apparently, she wised up, found out Ethan’s not in Vermont and somehow knew to come to the City of Angels.


ROB: Okay, but does she know anything about where Ethan is, specifically?


TODD: No, but, her team of Russian mobsters will work quickly to find that out.


ROB: She brought the Ivans with her?


TODD: Offensive term, but yes.


ROB: Shit. She is not the woman I married.


TODD: How do you want me to kill her?


ROB: I was thinking cement shoes or a sniper rifle would work best- wait, what?! No! I don’t want you to kill her!!


TODD: She’s gonna try to kill Ethan and Jennifer, Rob.


ROB: That’s why it’s your job to keep them away from her.


TODD: That’s actually not my job. I get information, I’m not a bodyguard.


(Rob stands up)


ROB: Then I guess the responsibility lands on my broad, well-defined shoulders. Even if she does get near them, I’ll use my charm and wit to save both their lives.


TODD: I know a good funeral home if you need a contact.


ROB: Yeah, go ahead and leave the info with my assistant.


(Cut to Ethan and Jamie sitting in Rob’s living room. Ethan is drinking a beer and has his bare feet up on the coffee table. Jennifer has a glass of milk)


JENNIFER: Is it a person?




JENNIFER: Is it Judeo-Christian values?


ETHAN: How did you know!?


JENNIFER: Because it’s always that.


ETHAN: Okay, your turn.




(Rob comes in)


ROB: Whoa! Guys! What the hell are you-get your feet off my coffee table! (Ethan takes his feet off the table) You guys need to get back in the attic! NOW!

(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: Why? What’s the rush?


ROB: Jamie’s in town. And the Ruskis are with her.


(Jennifer stands up)


JENNIFER: Christ! How did she find out we were in LA?


ROB: She’s good at finding the unfindable. I mean, she found Ethan’s dick. (Ethan shoots a look at Rob) Hey, man, I’m letting you stay here.


ETHAN: Let’s get in the attic. When Jen is six months pregnant and there’s a heat wave in LA.


ROB: I’ll bring up a few fans. (Rob starts to walk away, but then looks back) Oh, and don’t worry about Jamie. I have a plan.


(Cut to a bar at a bowling alley. Bonnie runs up to it)


BONNIE: Could I get a PBR?


BARTENDER: Sure. I.D.? (Bonnie hands the bartender her I.D. He nods and gives it back to her) Can I also see your friend’s I.D.?


BONNIE: Sorry?


(Camera pans over to Noel putting on his bowling shoes at one of the lanes)


BARTENDER: If you’re gonna be drinking around him, you both need to be of age.


BONNIE: Are you serious?! Since when is that the law!?


BARTENDER: It’s not, but it’s policy here.


BONNIE: Well, it’s my policy to tell fascists to suck my dick, so. Suck my dick.


(Bonnie walks away. She walks over to Noel and sits next to him)


NOEL: What was that about?


BONNIE: That guy’s just an asshole. Do you wanna get started?


(Noel puts his hand on Bonnie’s knee)


NOEL: Yes, I do. (Noel stands up and grabs a bowling ball. The pins are put into place, he springs forward and knocks them all down. Strike! He turns around) YES!

BONNIE: Wow. Show-off.


NOEL: I actually didn’t want that to happen on the first turn, but it still feels good.


BONNIE: Yeah, you’re obviously aroused.


NOEL: Let’s see if I can stay that way.


(The pins are reset, Noel grabs a ball from the machine tosses it forward, and knocks down all but two)


BONNIE: Oh, it’s all floppy now.


(Noel laughs and sits next to Bonnie)


NOEL: Honestly, no matter who wins, I’ll be happy. So, things are pretty good over here.


(Bonnie rolls her eyes)


BONNIE: Screw you. (Noel laughs as Bonnie grabs a ball. The pins are reset) I could saw off your arm and you would find a silver lining.


NOEL: I’ve always been able to do that, my mom used to call me “Silver Lining”.


(Bonnie knocks down five pins and turns around)


BONNIE: Christ, she already named you after Christmas, how sunny did she want you to be?


(Noel stands up and gets close to Bonnie)


NOEL: I lied, she still calls me “Silver Lining”.


BONNIE: Yeah, well, I don’t have parents.


(Noel grows concerned)


NOEL: Really?


BONNIE: Yeah. I was left at an orphanage. Wasn’t adopted until I was nine.


NOEL: …I’m sorry.


BONNIE: I got on fine. I don’t even care who they are.


NOEL: …They missed out.


(Noel starts kissing Bonnie. The two start passionately making out. Pan over to two middle-aged men in bowling shirts and goatees, watching Bonnie and Noel make out)


MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Shit. I thought they were mother and son.


(Bonne stops making out and turns to the man)


BONNIE: Are you fucking kidding me?!


(Cut to Bonnie and Noel sitting in Bonnie’s living room. Bonnie is wearing pajamas as she opens a wine bottle and pours herself and Noel a drink)


NOEL: Are you sure this is okay?


BONNIE: You’re adorable. If you’re asking if I asked your mom, the answer is “no”.


(Noel chuckles. Bonnie puts the bottle down and they both hold up their glasses)


NOEL: To an unforgettable night!

BONNIE: Cheers. (They clink glasses. Noel sips, but Bonnie’s finishes her glass) Sorry. I thought we were doing shots.


(Bonnie pours herself another glass)


NOEL: It’s alright. I can drink faster. Although, my stomach is notoriously sensitive.


BONNIE: Don’t worry about it. I’ll drink slower!


(Noel smiles)

NOEL: Can I ask you something?


BONNIE: Shoot. Unless it’s about how it felt to work with Pusscrusher 5000.


(Noel smiles)

NOEL: Can I ask you something else, then?


(Bonnie chuckles)



NOEL: Does the…age difference, bother you?


BONNIE: …I can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind, but, it’s only eight years. If you were twenty-six, and I were thirty-four, no one would give this a second thought. I mean, you’re an adult.


NOEL: An adult who can’t buy alcohol or tobacco in this state.


BONNIE: Yeah. But that’s because Brown is a fascist. You can still vote and murder people for a living, though.


NOEL: I’m just saying, the age difference is the main reason we’re keeping this a secret, right?


BONNIE: Yeah, people might think it’s weird. It won’t be secret forever, we just have to take it slow.


(Noel nods)


NOEL: It’s only been a few weeks. You’re right. (Bonnie and Noel both sip their drinks) Do you ever get up early to see the sunrise?


BONNIE: God no. I appreciate sleep, thank you very much.


NOEL: Have you seen a sunrise?


BONNIE: Of course.


NOEL: What about a starry night sky? You can’t really see them in LA because of the light pollution, but if you go to the country, you can see the whole milky way.


BONNIE: Have you done that?


NOEL: Yeah, I used to go camping with my dad a lot. Something about seeing the universe makes you feel less alone. Like you’re part of something. A galactic neighborhood.


BONNIE: I think a lot of people would have the opposite feeling.


NOEL: Have you seen a clear night sky?


BONNIE: My juvy was in bumfuck, nowhere. In fact, it might have been on the outskirts of bumfuck, nowhere.


(Noel laughs)


NOEL: So, yes?


BONNIE: Yeah, we saw it out there, in the yard. It was pretty- but then again, watching two pigs sixty-nine-ing would’ve seemed beautiful to us in that hellhole, so I don’t really know. (Noel laughs, and we time lapse to sunrise. Bonnie and Noel are asleep on the couch. Noel opens his eyes and sees the sun is rising. Noel nudges Bonnie awake) Huh? What?


NOEL: Bonnie, it’s the sunrise.


(Bonnie glances outside)


BONNIE: Hm. Isn’t that nice? Wake me up at nine.


(Bonnie falls back asleep. Noel smiles and looks out the window. Cut to a shirtless Kevin lying next to McKenzie in bed, staring at her while she sleeps, around morning time. McKenzie gradually opens her eyes)




KEVIN: Sorry.


MCKENZIE: Were you staring at me?


KEVIN: A little.


MCKENZIE: You creep. Why?


KEVIN: I know you get bad dreams, so I wanted to…fight, them?


MCKENZIE: Perfect plan, honey. Punching me in my sleep would do the trick.


(Kevin kisses McKenzie’s forehead)


KEVIN: Good morning.


(McKenzie smiles and gets up. She’s not wearing a shirt)


MCKENZIE: I’m taking a shower.


(Kevin sits up)


KEVIN: I don’t think I’m gonna shower today.


(McKenzie looks at him)




KEVIN: I think people should like me for me.


MCKENZIE: I don’t think that’s possible. You need to be different.


(McKenzie goes into the bathroom as Kevin smiles. Cut to Kevin driving McKenzie to work in his truck. They both have their windows open and are sucking down cigarettes)


NPR: President Trump railed against Germany at his meeting with NATO yesterday, saying they are “captive to Russia” and need to pay a higher percentage of their defense budgets. Today, the President announced that each NATO country agreed to accelerate an escalation in how much they pay for their mutual defense- but it’s unclear if this agreement is something new, or something agreed to earlier.


KEVIN: Just let him have his pretend victory. For God’s sake, give the child his ice cream cone and send him on his way.


MCKENZIE: Where’s he going next?


NPR: The President arrived in the United Kingdom an hour ago and is scheduled to meet with embattled British Prime Minister Theresa May- who is going through political headwinds after three of her cabinet secretaries resigned abruptly over Brexit- and then the President will have tea with the Queen of England at Windsor Castle. Massive protests against Trump have already begun.


MCKENZIE: Jesus. Trump meeting with the Queen should be a comedy of errors.


KEVIN: Like, Mr. Bean style?


MCKENZIE: Maybe more like Charlie Chaplin, but in Britain.


(Kevin takes a final drag off his cigarette and throws it out the window)


KEVIN: Yeah, I guess so. I still feel like there’s a better comparison, though. Benny Hill?


(McKenzie finishes her cigarette and puts the butt in a plastic bag)


MCKENZIE: You shouldn’t throw them out the window, it’s fire season.


KEVIN: It’s always fire season.


MCKENZIE: Well, it’s always littering!


(Kevin sighs)


KEVIN: Sorry, babe, I won’t do it again. (Kevin pulls up to Wilshire 9150) Let me know if you need anything.


MCKENZIE: I need my car fixed, that’s what I need.


KEVIN: I mean, throughout the day.


(McKenzie seems slightly annoyed)

MCKENZIE: I’ll be fine.


KEVIN: Okay.


(McKenzie kisses Kevin)


MCKENZIE: Love you.


KEVIN: Love you, too.


(McKenzie gets out and Kevin’s truck drives away. She walks towards the building entrance. Cut to McKenzie entering the Altmire-Stone offices. Ryan stands up)


RYAN: Morning, Kenzie!

MCKENZIE: Good morning!


RYAN: Everything going alright?


(McKenzie looks confused)




RYAN: Good! Just making sure. (Ryan leans forward) If not, I have some pills that will drive you crazy.


MCKENZIE: I want to be driven crazy?


RYAN: It’s better than being sane, am I right, sister?


(Ryan extends his fist. McKenzie bumps it)


MCKENZIE: Sure, Ryan.


(Ryan sits down and McKenzie walks into her office and sets her purse down. Whitney comes in)


WHITNEY: Morning, McKenzie. You feeling alright?


(McKenzie furrows her brow)


MCKENZIE: Yes! Why do people keep asking me this?


WHITNEY: I’m just making small talk. Like “how’s the weather going” or “what is the status of your fragile emotional state”, stuff like that.


MCKENZIE: Whitney, you don’t need to worry about me. Trust me, if I lose it, you’ll know. Your office will be reduced to ash. (Whitney is thrown) I’m kidding! Oh my God!

WHITNEY: Sorry. You know I’m a, humorless gal.


MCKENZIE: That’s not true- have you spoken to Kevin at all?


WHITNEY: No, not since the fourth. Hey, can we try Kyle Cohensteinberg from Berland Casting? I owe him a call.


MCKENZIE: Sure. (McKenzie picks up the phone) Man, there sure are a lot of-


WHITNEY: I know. Get him on the phone.


(Whitney walks into her office. McKenzie starts dialing. She sits down, and an assistant picks up the phone on the other line)


ASSISTANT: (Male voice) Berland Casting.


MCKENZIE: Hi, it’s McKenzie from Ms. Stone’s office at Altmire-Stone Productions. Ms. Stone would like to speak with Mr. Cohensteinberg.


(Cut to the assistant, a white male, early thirties, white polo T, sitting in a nondescript office on the phone)


ASSISTANT: Okay, let me try him. One moment please. (He puts the call on hold, takes a sip of Tab and then looks down his pants and nods. He then takes McKenzie off hold) Sorry, I don’t have Mr. Cohensteinberg right now, can I take a message?


(Cut to McKenzie)


MCKENZIE: Sure. It’s Whitney Stone from Altmire-Stone Productions, our number is 323-499-6010.


ASSISTANT: (On the phone) Great. Are you okay?


MCKENZIE: …Excuse me?


ASSISTANT: Sorry, you seem a little down.


(McKenzie holds back her anger)


MCKENZIE: I’m fine, thank you.


ASSISTANT: Glad to hear it. Mr. Cohensteinberg will return as soon as he can.


(McKenzie nods and hangs up. She looks pissed. Cut to Rob, Todd and Lilly in Todd’s Buick. Rob and Lilly are in the backseat, Todd is in the driver’s seat, eating a banana. They’re staking out a hotel)


ROB: You’re sure they’re here?


TODD: Sure as shit. This hotel is a hive for Russian mobsters.


LILLY: Is it a Trump hotel? (Lilly puts her hand up) Up top!

ROB: Lilly, no.


(Lilly puts her hand down)

LILLY: I’m really sorry about that, guys.


TODD: It’s owned by a Russian family, the Vasilievs.


LILLY: Owned by Russians? JUST LIKE-


ROB: You need to stop watching Rachel Maddow.


LILLY: My remote broke, and now I can’t change it, okay!? You think I like this!?


TODD: Hold up! Here they come!

(Cut to a shot of Jamie and several Russian mobsters in track suits coming out of the hotel to meet with Ashton, who is wearing a striped tank top and jeans. Ashton and Jamie shake hands)


LILLY: Holy shit- that’s Ashton!

ROB: Who?


LILLY: Ashton Delay, Ryan told me about him at Hollywood Forever, even showed me pictures against my will. He kidnapped Ryan once, he’s a sociopathic drug dealer of some kind.


ROB: Oh yeah, I bought blow from him once when I lived in Hansbay.


(They all walk inside the hotel, while Ashton has his arms around one of the Russian mobsters and hands him an envelope)


TODD: What’s that envelope all about?


(One of the Russian mobsters glances at them)


ROB: Let’s find out later- leave, nonchalantly!

(Todd screams and turns on the car)



(Todd speeds off. Rob throws his hands in the air)


ROB: What the fuck!?


TODD: Sorry, I panicked.


(Cut to Rob, Lilly and Todd sitting in a booth at a karaoke bar, each with a different alcoholic drink- vodka cranberry for Rob, Old Fashioned for Lilly and a dark & stormy for Todd. A white man in a suit with a loosened tie is singing “What’s Up” by 4 Non-Blondes)


BUSINESSMAN: (Singing, badly) And so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed, just to get it all out, what’s in my head, and I step outside, and I take a deep breath, and I get REAL HIGH! And I, scream from the top of my lungs, WHAT’S GOING ON!?


ROB: Christ almighty, make it stop.


LILLY: Why did we come here, again?


TODD: To discuss next steps. Also, I’m signed up for Journey.


ROB: Wow, bold choice.


TODD: Fuck you.


LILLY: Next steps, it seems like we should find out everything we can about Ashton. And that means talking to Ryan.


ROB: OOOOh, but I don’t like to do that.


LILLY: But you have to


(Rob crosses his arms)


ROB: Hmph!


LILLY: Roooob!


ROB: What?


LILLY: Promise me we’ll talk to Ryan.


ROB: …Fine.


(The businessman gets off stage, and the karaoke DJ, black male, early 30s, takes the mic)


KJ: Next up is Rob A. with “Any You Want It” by Journey-


(Rob stands up)


TODD: Oh, come on!


ROB: Yeah, but, you probably picked “Don’t Stop Believin’”, right?


(Cut to Rob, Todd and Lilly walking into the office and approaching the front desk)


RYAN: Hey. Nice of you to come in.


ROB: (To Lilly) See what I mean?


LILLY: Just go.


(Rob sighs)


ROB: What do you know about Ashton Delay?


RYAN: Ashton Delay? Lilly, did you tell them about-?


LILLY: He’s in town. And he knows Jamie.


(Ryan stands up)


RYAN: Oh, shit.


ROB: Tell us what you know.


RYAN: He’s cunning. He’s…ruthless. Charming. Attractive- very attractive. But sociopathic.


LILLY: Had you heard that he left Germany?


RYAN: No, I didn’t. Shit, what if he finds out I’m in L.A.?


TODD: He may already know.


ROB: If you’re asking whether you can stay with me for protection- the answer is “no”, I’ve had enough of your dad already.


RYAN: Wait, what?!


ROB: Right, you didn’t know that.


RYAN: My dad is staying with you?


ROB: No.


(Rob shakes his head unconvincingly)


TODD: What does Ashton do, son?


(Ryan shakes his head)


RYAN: You don’t know me like that, don’t call me “son”. (Clears throat) He’s a drug dealer. Well, he would be more accurately characterized as a drug lord. Started off small time, built an empire.


ROB: And why would we know Jamie?


RYAN: I have no idea. Maybe he dealt to her.


ROB: Alright, that gives us enough to go on.


(Whitney walks down the hallway into the lobby area)


WHITNEY: Where the hell have you been all day!?


ROB: I sang “Any Way You Want It” by Journey at the karaoke bar, and the place went goddamn NUTS. On a Thursday afternoon!

LILLY: That’s not true.


TODD: Total falsehood.


(Cut to Noel in the break room, fishing out a Diet Coke from the fridge. Ryan comes in)


NOEL: Ugh. Why do old people still think Diet Coke is better for you?


RYAN: The oldest person in this office is thirty-nine.


NOEL: Yeah, and why do they think Diet Coke is better for them? Just get regular Coke and stop lying to yourself.


(Noel opens the Diet Coke)


RYAN: But lying to yourself is so fun and easy.


NOEL: Did you come in here for something?


RYAN: Yeah.


(Ryan opens the fridge and grabs a cold brew coffee)


NOEL: Cold brew! Bet you don’t have a lot of that in Vermont.


RYAN: Why do you say that?


NOEL: Because it’s already cold enough, right?


RYAN: Where were you born?


NOEL: San Francisco.


RYAN: Ah. I would’ve guessed it was in some test tube, under the New Mexico desert.


NOEL: Come on, I’m just trying to get to know you better, bud.


RYAN: You don’t want to do that.


NOEL: Where do you go to school?


RYAN: SUNY Plattsburgh. Upstate New York.


NOEL: Do you have a girl there?


RYAN: Yes, I do. Her name’s Clarissa. You?


NOEL: Me? Me, what?


RYAN: …Do you have a girlfriend? What else would I mean by that?


NOEL: Uhh…no. (Noel is pained) No, I don’t.


RYAN: …Alright…


(They stare at each other, Noel nervous, Ryan confused, until Bonnie comes in)


BONNIE: Oh, you guys were looking longingly into each other’s eyes, I’ll leave you alone-


(Bonnie starts to leave)


NOEL: No! Bonnie, stay!

(Bonnie turns back towards them)


BONNIE: Fine. I’m here.


RYAN: And I’m gone.


(Ryan smiles and walks out of the room)


BONNIE: Do you wanna-


(McKenzie comes in)


MCKENZIE: Hey! Bonnie! Do you want to get lunch?


(Noel deflates)




MCKENZIE: Yes! You’re an angel! Actually! You’re better! You’re a disciple! And if I was Jesus, I know you’d never betray me!

(McKenzie hugs Bonnie as they walk out)


BONNIE: See ya, Noel.


NOEL: See ya, Bonnie. McKenzie.


MCKENZIE: Bye, Noel!

(They’re gone. Cut to McKenzie and Bonnie at lunch at the Lazy Daisy diner on Wilshire. They both have coffee)


BONNIE: …So, how are you and Kevin?


MCKENZIE: Good. I’m kind of mad at him right now, but it’s a dumb reason.


BONNIE: With men, it’s never a dumb reason. What is it?


MCKENZIE: He asks me if I’m “okay” too often, in fact, everyone has been today. It’s annoying, I don’t need to be babysat.


BONNIE: I’m sure the intentions are good, what with your nervous breakdown a month ago.


MCKENZIE: I know, but I’m fine now, and if I’m not, he’ll be the first to know. Especially if he discovers me dead on the couch.


BONNIE: Jesus!

MCKENZIE: I’m not saying that’s GOING to happen, I’m just saying, then he would know.


BONNIE: How old is Kevin?


MCKENZIE: He’s twenty-six in December. Why?


BONNIE: And you’re about to turn twenty-four, right?




BONNIE: And you met him a year ago. If he had been twenty when you met him, so, two years younger than you, would you have dated him?




BONNIE: What about nineteen?


MCKENZIE: Uh…okay, yeah.


BONNIE: …Eighteen?


MCKENZIE: Eek. I don’t know. If he’s young enough to still be in High School, I can’t do it. (McKenzie sips her coffee, Bonnie nods, disappointed) …Why? (McKenzie leans forward) Why?


BONNIE: Nothing, just trying to, set the age range on Tinder. Wondering if I should rob the cradle a bit.


MCKENZIE: Girl, you had a horde of fifteen-year-olds in the office last month. Maybe you should leave the cradle alone.


(Bonnie smirks)


BONNIE: Oh, Jesus.


MCKENZIE: I’ll set you up with someone.


BONNIE: You don’t have to-


MCKENZIE: No, he’s a friend of Kevin’s, you’ll love him. He’s a technological luddite, so he’s probably never seen your pussy before.


BONNIE: Technological luddite? How old do you want me to go, Kenz?


MCKENZIE: Don’t worry, he’s just Amish.


(Bonnie smirks and rolls her eyes. Cut to McKenzie arriving back in her office. She sets her purse down, checks her phone and sees three texts- one from Kevin, one from her mom and one from her dad- reading, respectively, “hey just check in on muh gurl, iz she kewl? Reply ‘yes’ 4 ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for ‘things are bad son’”, “this is your mother just want to know if you’re alright. Call me” and finally “your mother tells me you’re not alright. Call me”. She shakes her head and checks her purse to see her pack of cigarettes is empty. She scoffs and throws the pack in her trash can. She puts her purse aside as Whitney comes in)


WHITNEY: Hey, can we try Max Kisbye at MGM?






(Whitney pauses for a second as McKenzie reaches for the phone. McKenzie looks up at Whitney staring at her)




WHITNEY: …Nothing.


(Whitney goes back into her office. McKenzie is thrown, but she pulls up Max Kisbye’s number and dials it. Whitney sits behind the desk in her office. Cut to Max Kisbye’s assistant Dorothy, mid-30s, curly hair, Latina, behind her desk. The phone rings and she answers)


DOROTHY: Max Kisbye’s office.


MCKENZIE: (On the phone) Hi, this is Whitney Stone’s office, Ms. Stone would like to touch base with Mr. Kisbye about the Susan B. Anthony miniseries. Is he available?


DOROTHY: One moment please. (Dorothy presses “hold” and then takes a tiny flask from her drawer, swigs it, stretches, cracks her neck, and pops a few prescription pills with no water. She then takes McKenzie off hold) I don’t have Mr. Kisbye right now, can we get back to you?


MCKENZIE: Sure, that’s fine.


DOROTHY: Okay…are you alright?


(McKenzie’s eyes flare up with a ferocious anger)


MCKENZIE: Excuse me?!


DOROTHY: You just seem down, I don’t know-


MCKENZIE: I’m FINE, thank you very much, but what I am NOT fine about is your boss constantly ducking our calls. Either he WORKS with us, or he doesn’t. I hope you make the right decision.


(McKenzie slams the phone back onto the receiver. Whitney comes in, appearing unbelievably livid. McKenzie turns to her, suddenly looking scared. Cut to Dorothy at her desk staring at the phone, which is emitting a dial tone. She hangs it up and slowly rises from her seat. She opens the door to Kisbye’s office. He’s inside, clipping his toenails on the desk)


DOROTHY: Mr. Kisbye, sir?


MAX: Dorothy, I’m kind of busy-


DOROTHY: Whitney Stone’s assistant just yelled at me for you ducking our calls.


(Max takes his feet of the desk and turns to Dorothy)


MAX: …Really?


DOROTHY: Uh-huh.


(Max stands up and walks over to Dorothy)


MAX: I took a risk working with a production company that even FOX thought was unpalatable. And I have actual scars to prove the risk wasn’t worth it.


DOROTHY: You think it’s time to pull the plug?


MAX: I think so.


(Cut to Whitney in McKenzie’s office, berating her. McKenzie is crying)


WHITNEY: CRY ALL YOU WANT, MCKENZIE, IF MGM DROPS US, YOU’RE FIRED! Now, call Kisbye’s office and apologize immediately.


(Whitney walks back into her office and slams the door. McKenzie wipes her tears away and tries to compose herself as she picks up the phone. Rob comes in)


ROB: What the hell is going on?!


MCKENZIE: Go away.


(Rob walks into Whitney’s office. Whitney is sitting behind her desk, looking out the window)


ROB: Whitney, what the hell is going on?


WHITNEY: She’s my assistant, you don’t need to know.


ROB: I’m a partner, I DO need to know.


WHITNEY: Plus, your dick has been inside her, so-


ROB: Shut up. That was forever ago. (Rob gulps) Forever ago.


(Whitney stands up)


WHITNEY: She screamed at Max Kisbye’s assistant. We can’t afford to lose MGM right now, she may have just fucked us, I have half a mind to fire her.


ROB: You can’t do that- everyone loves McKenzie, and she’s a loyal soldier.


WHITNEY: She’s also emotionally unstable. One moment she’s so cheery I want to blow my brains out, the next moment, it seems like she wants to blow her brains out.


ROB: Keep your voice down!


(A faint knock at the door. Rob intensely nods towards the door- “see?”)


WHITNEY: …Come in.


(McKenzie hesitantly enters)


MCKENZIE: I’m sorry, Whitney. I lost my temper.


(Whitney sits on her desk)




MCKENZIE: And Max Kisbye’s assistant didn’t answer.


WHITNEY: …Why don’t you go home, McKenzie? You’re not fired, but you should go home and rest, I’ll handle Kisbye.


MCKENZIE: No, I’m staying here in case they call back. I want to make this right.




ROB: Sounds fine to me.


(Rob stares daggers at Whitney)


WHITNEY: …Fine. But you better be sincere. No more tantrums.


(McKenzie turns to leave, but then turns back)


MCKENZIE: The only reason I lost my temper was because people keep asking me if I’m okay. I don’t need to be looked after like a child.


WHITNEY: …Prove it.


(Rob glares at Whitney. McKenzie storms out)


ROB: …Whitney.


WHITNEY: To quote a great, fictional man, you can’t keep being the good little boy, while the adults run this business.


(Whitney sits behind her desk. Rob angrily walks out of Whitney’s office. Cut to McKenzie on the phone. She’s holding back tears)


MCKENZIE: …Babe…I need you to come to the office. (Pause) I’ll…I’ll explain why later, I just need you, okay? (Pause) …Yes, please pick up cigarettes.


(Cut to Rob sitting beside the open window in his office, smoking a cigarette. A towel is stuffed under the door. A knock at the door is heard)


ROB: Hold on! (Rob puts out the cigarette on the window sill, throws the butt out the window, grabs Febreze and starts spraying, closes the window and then takes the towel from under the door and opens it to see Jamie) AAAHHHH!!


JAMIE: Hi. You look good.


ROB: Don’t do the “ex-wife” thing, Jamie.


(Bonnie walks over)


BONNIE: Ex-wife?! She told me she was your publicist.


ROB: No, June is on vacation in the Seychelles. Ask me about this shit first!


(Jamie comes in and closes the door on Bonnie)


JAMIE: Where’s Ethan and Jennifer?


ROB: I have no idea. Jennifer? Is that Ethan’s new trophy wife? Or just another girl he stole from me?


JAMIE: You dated a girl named Jennifer?


ROB: I’ve dated all the names. Name a name, I’ve dated them.


JAMIE: Mary.


ROB: Okay, not that one.


JAMIE: I’m sure Ashton would love to know that Ryan is sitting at reception.


ROB: How did you find our location?


JAMIE: It’s on your website.


ROB: Fuck. Why’d you get in contact with Ashton?


JAMIE: We heard from your half-sister that he was doing an internship in LA, so we figured we could find him and use Ashton to get info about Ethan’s whereabouts from Ryan. Turns out it was easier than we thought.


ROB: What happened to you, Jamie? Did Putin turn you into a Russian asset?


JAMIE: Oh yeah, I’m getting my on show on RT pretty soon- SHUT UP AND TELL ME WHERE ETHAN IS! Or I’ll give over Ryan.


ROB: …They’re at my house. In my attic.


(Jamie puts her hand in Rob’s shoulder)


JAMIE: See? Was that so hard, hubby?


(Jamie turns to leave)


ROB: Don’t you need the address?


(Jamie turns to Rob)


JAMIE: Nope.


(Jamie leaves. Rob hurriedly takes out his cell and dials Ethan’s number)


ROB: Ethan? It’s Rob. Jamie knows. Get the hell out of there.


(Cut to Ethan and Jennifer running out of Rob’s house, past the front gate, only to be confronted by multiple white cars parked out front. Armed, bald Russian men emerge from the cars wearing track suits)


ETHAN: … ??, ??????, ?????????, ??, ???????


(SUBTITLES: “Hey, let’s take it easy now, fellas?”)


(Cut to Rob speaking with Ryan at reception)


RYAN: Do you really believe she won’t hand my balls to Ashton on a silver platter?


ROB: I told Ethan and Jennifer to escape, so they’re probably safe for now. It would be great if I got a little credit, you know?


(Jamie bursts into the office with Ethan and Jennifer, flanked by armed Russian mobsters)


RYAN: Alright, fine, point conceded.



(Luther, Hannah, Whitney, Miles, Bonnie, Noel and McKenzie emerge from their offices gradually)


ETHAN: Ryan!?


RYAN: Hey, dad.


ETHAN: I thought your internship was at a record label, or something.


RYAN: So did I.


JAMIE: SHUT UP! Now, I have some demands.


WHITNEY: What the fuck is going on here!?


RYAN: Don’t worry, my dad, his girlfriend and their unborn child are being held hostage by Rob’s ex-wife, no big deal.


WHITNEY: “Rob’s ex-wife”?!


ROB: That’a really the most shocking part to you!?


WHITNEY: Why is it that mobsters and gangsters keep storming our offices?!


JAMIE: Christ, you Hollywood types never SHUT THE FUCK UP!

ROB: What do you want, you crazy bitch?


JAMIE: How do you not know?


ROB: You can’t hurt them! Ethan has a son, and another on the way.


JENNIFER: Well, we don’t actually know the sex of the child-


ETHAN: Hopefully a son.


JENNIFER: You already have two!


JAMIE: SHUT UP! I’m not gonna hurt them.


LUTHER: She seems far along enough to where a physician could tell you-


JAMIE: SHUT UUUUUP!!! I’m not gonna hurt them, on the condition that you two apologize to me.


JENNIFER: Why me!?


JAMIE: Not you and Ethan, Jennifer, Rob and Ethan.


ROB: What for, exactly?


JAMIE: You both left me in the dust. Forgot about me. Like yesterday’s trash.


ROB: That’s just unfair, you are certainly today’s trash.


(Jamie kicks Rob in the knee. He recoils in pain as he holds his knee)


JAMIE: I want you to get down on that bruised knee and beg for my forgiveness. You too, Ethan.


ETHAN: Or what?


JAMIE: or else, my friends here will make you wish you had.


(The Russian mobsters nod their heads)


RYAN: Sounds like a fair deal to me.


BONNIE: Wait a minute. (Bonnie looks at one of the Russian mobsters) Steve?


(Russian mobster looks thrown)


RUSSIAN MOBSTER: (Bad Russian accent) Who is this “Steve” you speak of? I am Ivan.


BONNIE: No, you’re Steve Conway, I had sex with you in the 2013 porno “English Clit”- remember? Where I played an English professor and you were a failing student?


ROB: Oh yeah! That’s – (Everyone looks at him) not familiar to me at all.


LUTHER: Yeah, and that guy at the end! (The mobster at the end lifts his eyebrows) I saw him at an audition a couple weeks ago! It was some studio hiring cis men to play transgender women.


RUSSIAN MOBSTER: (Bad Russian accent) No! I am manly Russian man! From Russia!

ROB: You auditioned for that, Luther?


LUTHER: Dude, you have no idea how desperate I am.


ROB: All of these guys are actors! Are their guns even real!?


JAMIE: Of course, they are!


WHITNEY: Then, shoot the ceiling.


(The actors look at Jamie)


JAMIE: Guys, d-don’t, listen to them, they’re-


(Rob knees one of the “Russian mobsters” in the balls. All the actors point their guns at him)


ROB: Whoa, don’t shoot me! Those airsoft pellets can be a son of a bitch!


ACTOR: (American accent) Boss, we’ve been found out.


(The actors throw their fake guns down)


JAMIE: Wait, hold on! I-I-I-is it so wrong to want closure?!

ETHAN: So much that you do this!? Yes!


(Jennifer slaps Jamie across the face and spits in it)


JENNIFER: Fuck you, cunt.


(Jamie shoves Jennifer. Ethan holds Jennifer back, and Rob holds Jamie back)


JAMIE: YOU FUCKING BITCH! LET GO OF ME! (Jamie pushes Rob aside) You think I’m all bark and no bite?! Well, guess what!?


(Ashton comes in with a cigarette nestled in between his lips, and a switchblade in his hands. Ryan stands up, scared)


ASHTON: Jamie didn’t want to use real goons, because she’s still got some humanity left in her. (Ashton shoots a look at Ryan) But I never have. So, watch out. Also, good to see you again, Ryan, how’ve you been?


RYAN: Very alive.


(Ashton smirks)


ASHTON: Sorry to hear that. Let’s go, Jamie.


(Ashton, Jamie and the actors leave. Kevin comes in after them)


KEVIN: …Can anyone explain the people I just passed by?


MCKENZIE: It’s a long story.


WHITNEY: You’re welcome to wait here for a few minutes if you don’t want to run into those people in the elevator.


ETHAN: That’s probably a good idea.


(Ethan and Jennifer sit down on the couch)


JENNIFER: Should I buy tickets back to Vermont?


ETHAN: Yes. And Ryan, you’re coming with us.


RYAN: What? No, I have an internship to complete.


ETHAN: But that kid threatened you! And this isn’t even the internship you signed up for!


RYAN: It still looks good on my resume. And I’m sorry, but, I like it here. I can deal with Ashton. Trust me.


ETHAN: Ryan Leonard Donahue-


RYAN: It’s NOT your decision. I’m twenty-three years old. Sorry.


(Ryan storms out of the office. McKenzie looks at him admiringly. Cut to Kevin sitting across from McKenzie in her office)


KEVIN: So…what’s going on around here?


MCKENZIE: I’ll explain all that shit later, right now is about me.


(Kevin pulls out a pack of American Spirit blues and throws it on the desk)


KEVIN: Happy early Birthday.


(McKenzie smiles and puts them in her purse)


MCKENZIE: Can you close the door? (Kevin stands up, closes the door and sits back down) I almost got fired today.


KEVIN: What? Why?


MCKENZIE: I snapped at some assistant from MGM. Whitney got so angry, that she said if MGM drops out, I’m gone.


KEVIN: So, you might still get fired?


MCKENZIE: Yes. But the worst part is, she basically told me I act like a child.


KEVIN: What?


MCKENZIE: Oh, you’re so shocked.


KEVIN: Of course I am, you don’t act like a child.


MCKENZIE: Fine, not a child, more like a…wounded animal.


KEVIN: Yeah, like a deer bleeding on the side of the road.



KEVIN: I’m just kidding! You’re being ridiculous!

MCKENZIE: Then why do YOU and everyone in this office, and even Max Kisbye’s assistant insist on asking me if I’m “okay”, all the time!?! Like I’m always on the verge of a nervous breakdown that can be ameliorated only by annoying questions!?


KEVIN: …Is that how you feel?




KEVIN: …I’m sorry. I don’t want to treat you like that.


MCKENZIE: Okay, then, don’t.


KEVIN: I won’t. But I think everyone’s intentions are good, they worry about you.


(McKenzie sighs)



(Whitney walks in)


WHITNEY: I just got an e-mail from Max Kisbye’s office. MGM has dropped out of both of our projects.


(McKenzie sits up)


MCKENZIE: But, I sent Dorothy an apology e-mail-


WHITNEY: I want you off my desk.


KEVIN: Whitney, please-


MCKENZIE: (To Kevin) SH! (Kevin looks over at McKenzie, apologetically) Whitney, I can make this right-


WHITNEY: McKenzie, you’re not being fired. I just need you off my desk. You’ll be Rob’s assistant now, and I’m taking Bonnie.


(Rob comes in)


ROB: Sorry, what?


WHITNEY: it’s not negotiable. If you and Bonnie don’t like it, then I guess you can seek other employment.


(Whitney walks into her office and slams the door)


KEVIN: …Hi, Rob.


ROB: …Cool to see you, Kevin.


(Rob walks away, clearly uncomfortable with this situation. McKenzie takes out a box and starts putting her stuff in there. Bonnie comes in)


BONNIE: Did you get fired?


MCKENZIE: No, we’re switching.


BONNIE: Oh, God, that’s even worse.


(McKenzie smiles)


MCKENZIE: I e-mailed you the name and number of Kevin’s friend.


KEVIN: It’s not that kid from the Big Brother program, right? Because that kid is fucked up.


MCKENZIE: No, it’s your friend, John.


KEVIN: Oh, he’s a cool guy. You’ll like him.


BONNIE: I really don’t think-


MCKENZIE: Come on, just try. Just ask him out.


BONNIE: …Alright, fine.


(Cut to Noel in the break room, holding a bottle water and overhearing this)


MCKENZIE: (Offscreen) Yay!

(Cut to Bonnie waiting for the elevator at the end of the day. Noel comes by with his laptop bag around his shoulder)




BONNIE: Hello.


(The elevator light comes on. The door opens, they get on. The door closes)


NOEL: I heard you’re going on a date.


BONNIE: No, I’m not.


NOEL: That’s not what you said.


BONNIE: I said that to shut her up, I’m not really going to do it.


NOEL: You don’t think she’ll ask again!?


BONNIE: If she does, I’ll just say I don’t want to date right now!

(The elevator stops abruptly. Noel and Bonnie both look alarmed. Noel presses the open button)


NOEL: Perfect. We’re stuck.


(Noel and Bonnie both look at each other. They start making out. Noel takes off his shirt, Bonnie takes off hers, and they keep making out as Noel unclasps her bra. Jump cut to Noel thrusting his dick into Bonnie. Cut to Luther waiting for the elevator in the underground parking garage. The elevator finally arrives, having been fixed, at its location. The door opens and Bonnie and Noel, dressed, but disheveled, sweaty and red in the face, emerge. They smile at Luther)


LUTHER: Forgot my laptop charger.


(They nod at him and quickly scurry off to their cars. Luther looks confused and suspicious as he boards the elevator, and the doors close on him. Cut to black)



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