Going Bottomless

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Yes, it's exactly what you think.

Submitted: July 21, 2018

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Submitted: July 21, 2018





I believe all those who call themselves serious coffee drinkers should go bottomless as often as possible. While your neurons try desperately to erase that imagery, allow me to explain. Before this country became one giant parking lot for Starbucks, we had diners, roadside grills, greasy spoons, holes in the wall, mom and pop stands, donut shops, burger joints, and other examples of American gastronomic superiority. All of these establishments had one thing in common- the patented Bottomless Cup of Coffee. For a few measly quarters, one could enjoy an endless supply of industrial strength motor oil coffee, refilled at critical moments by sympathetic hands.

Going bottomless is not for the faint of heart- it's a lifestyle choice that demands a lot of dedication from its practitioners. If you go bottomless, be prepared to have an opinion on everything, from national politics to what's wrong with these kids today. Bottomless coffee isn't served by 18 year old college freshmen named Brittany or Kelli- it's flung out by waitresses named Edna or Polly or Eunice. These angels in comfortable shoes have already been there, already done that, and have strapped on the apron to prove it. When you go bottomless long enough, the fourth wall between waitress and customer comes down with a satisfying thud.

The entire Bottomless Cup industry hinges on ritual. The first cup- only a warm-up swing, a little loosening of the pipes. The second cup comes around and suddenly the world is a much nicer place. Now is a great time to fling out the best thought on your mind- just get it on the table and see who runs with it. By the time cup three rolls around, you notice that Edna looks a little tired. The debate over Ginger or Mary Ann is still raging strong, though, so now's not the time to pry. Cup four is usually the deal-breaker, unless you have a hollow leg. Mary Ann is leading by a wide enough margin for you to make a dignified exit. You make your goodbyes, pat Edna platonically on the arm and slip her an extra dollar for her troubles. Another Bottomless day is complete.

Now go out there and grab yourself a bottomless cup o' Joe, for old time's sake. Oh yeah- and tell Edna I sure do miss her cooking.

© Copyright 2019 Michael Pollick. All rights reserved.

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