Foreign Letters

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 29, 2018

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Submitted: July 29, 2018



There was once a time that I needed a friend, when I felt alone in the world that I pursued. Loneliness is everything when it's inside of you. Isolation of my hell was all I knew- lost in a memory too lurid to share, too ashamed to admit it was true. I thought everyone who looked my way could tell, and when we first met I was afraid of you. Afraid of the 'me' you'd see in the end, with insides turned inside out from the world I outgrew.


To the world I once knew, I was a black hole destroying and pillaging everything that crossed my path- looking into the eyes of the aftermath. The shame was the pressure building in my hollow space, imploding on everything about me. Instead of falling from the stars with grace, I fell and broke everything and became nothing. I've tried to put it together again, but I see you looking at the cracks upon my porcelain face, though I've stumbled across the floor and found my self-esteem. All the while hoping you would walk away because I just wanted to crawl inside of you to find me. 


I know it's hard sometimes to understand where I come from. No one can put together the pieces I have lost. It's wrong of me to expect that and I want the feeling to be lost on you anyway. The last thing I need is for the ones I love to live through what I've already mostly surpassed. I will never be what you deserve. I'll always be the freak and hide within my written words, because I put up a front to hide how damaged I really am. Sometimes even the smallest thing can set me off and I don't want you to pay the price for my cost, for everything I fought for but eventually lost.


Still I'm infected in every way. What he had done, what you can't see are seething and eating away at me. Hiding in the shadows of these walls I've built around myself to hide myself from you, glued to the thought of a wilted truth. I've thrown down the fists I shove in my mouth at night to hold the cries that somehow follow through. I want to leave to save you from me but I can't face that too. I've never felt this safe. I've never felt this way. I'm weak and I can't live without you, but I'll never be okay.


Some days I wish I could see what you see when you look at me because I cry out like a dying sea, living in a muddy foul truth- hoping one day this dirty stain will wash right off these sleeves so I can run away with you. We'll go somewhere where we can speak out like sirens, drive a pin through their balloon, forget our reasons, forget our point of view. We can lose ourselves but I don't want to lose you. All I ever wanted was someone to love me the most, see the beauty for the beast and undo the negative associations I have tied to the bedpost. Hanging there like a ghost, haunting my soul. 


With all that's happened, all that we've been through, you'd think I'd see the truth, but I can't take what you've been giving away. I feel as though I'm a weight holding you down and stunting your growth, though I have helped in a sense to save you. I'll always have your back, even when it's to the ground. I can't be normal in a normal point of view. Though I've been trying- I've been searching, wasting another year, hoping when I open my eyes you'll still be here. Although you can't undo what has been done, you look at me like you know that I'm strong. I'm not bullet proof but I'd take a bullet for you. Said you loved me even though you knew. I wanted to run away. I couldn't handle that truth, but if you know a way, I'd rather go with you. 


© Copyright 2019 J.M.Mason. All rights reserved.

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