I Can't Take This

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: July 31, 2018

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Submitted: July 31, 2018

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I feel better. I feel good. Fuck it, I feel fucking fantastic.
Who knew that Pharma could make someone feel so fucking great? Western medicine instead of Eastern. That's okay, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Except sometimes you can't. You can't because of disapproval. You can't because of disrespect. You can't because you need a goddamn roof over your head.
We are in control of our individual selves. We have to be. Sometimes it doesn't feel like we can be. Needing to go on T. Needing that fucking surgery. Please stop this fucking monthly. Listen to your body. Listen to you not the negative people around you. Be respectful to you and to those around you, but be you. I need to follow what I say, but I'm scared of the consequences. I am scared of the disapproval. I'm scared of not being able to have a roof over my head even though I know I have a support system. I'm scared of being the one to disrespect them. I'm fucking scared. But I need this. I can't lie anymore because I can't do this. I fucking need this. I can't be called she anymore. I can't be called she anymore. Fuck being called Elizabeth because that name doesn't pertain to me anymore! Please. I'm scared to talk because I get degraded and hated. I know I'm not hated, but that's what I feel when I am not heard. I'm fucking scared to talk because I hate hurting their feelings. Guilt. Why can't you understand me? I feeling fucking great, the Pharma knows how to make someone feel spectacular, but I can tell you this, that this still isn't a phase. Why were you okay when I came out as a lesbian but became ignorant and confused when I became Noah. I am not fixated on this, but I know I need this more than you know. More than you understand. I would tell you and explain to you, but you won't listen. I don't want to go out in public with any of you anymore. I am not comfortable. They call me sir and you all get quiet. Are you ashamed of me? Why not just tell me to leave. Or I guess just keep me here because you apparently know what is best for me. I feel caged and locked up. Please let me be free. I need that top surgery, I need the T. I don't know how much longer I stay contained and stay suffering internally. Please let me do what I need. I can't be called she. I can't be called her. I can't be called ma'am. I hate being asked are you a she. I can't do this anymore. Please let me be free. You preach to all of your kids that at the end of every day all you have is yourself, no matter who you are with, and only you can make yourself happy. I can't make myself happy and be the authentic me if you contradict your statement when you just fucking disagree. You say you don't care who we are because you love us all the same. Why can't I be me? I mean, I am me, but I'm not who I physically want to be. I will have the same mindset, I will still have the same personality, I will still have the same heart, I will still have the same brain, and I will still be the fucking daughter you knew for 18 years. For the last 4 years, you can't accept me as your son and refuse to call me he. You definitely refuse to call me Noah. Why do you say you don't care who we are as long as we are happy? I'm not happy. Please let me be me. I don't think I can't bare this any longer. Please let me be free. I can't wear this binder anymore, it is really fucking constricting me. Accept me as who I accept me, the person who I came to terms with 4 years ago. Be respectful and let me do what I need to do in order to help myself to be free.

 


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