It's hard

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Review Chain

Submitted: August 03, 2018

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Submitted: August 03, 2018

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I'm sorry

Or am I really?

Am I just seeking sympathy from you again?

 

I know I'm supposed to be on my best behavior

I know I'm supposed to keep working hard to earn the life I want to live

I know I'm not entitled to you

I know you can't save me

If I'm no good at helping myself

I know that it's toxic to complain if I have no way of changing what I'm complaining about

 

But I'm sorry

It's just so hard

Hard enough that I won't end up paying the price I need to

And hence I'll bring suffering upon myself and those around me

 

I can understand why, so often, others have made the hard decisions for me

Shamed me, taken away my toys, hovered over me until I got back on track

And that motivated me and renewed my focus,

But also reminded me of how utterly inadequate and immature I truly was

 

I'm afraid I haven't changed enough since that time

On occasion, my toys have been taken away again

And I have no right to complain about losing what I didn't earn,

But I lash out nonetheless

Because I don't want to keep hurting anymore

 

The world needs the best to drive humanity forward

To truly make people's lives better

And I have done some good I'd be callous to disregard

But it doesn't even comes close to outweighing the bad

My sins, the burden I've placed on those closest to me,

The way I've repeatedly broken their trust and dragged them down

 

No, for me, none of these are exaggerations

When the scales are finally balanced, I just haven't been worth the trouble

And yet I was kept alive and cared for anyway

Because lucky for me, cold objectivity did not determine my fate

 

For it would be just for me to lose my lifestyle

To be ripped from my comforts and my toys,

Perhaps never to experience them again

And the prospect terrifies me

I know that if such a day were to pass

I would hurt and suffer, and pitifully beg not to lose so much

 

To deny justice like that, doesn't that make me evil?

Yes, it sort of does I suppose

My only solace is the belief that

I'm far from the only, or the worst person out there

Who failed to outgrow the parasite he was born as

 

I know you told me to be good to myself.

And it was so good to see you care

But it's hard, too hard for me to pay the price in full

And so I'd have disappointed you too if you were close enough to me

I still want your love, your care and your affection

I still want you to listen to me

Although at this point I doubt I deserve your ear

I'd be sad, but I couldn't blame you

If today or tomorrow you finally had enough of me

 

In my attempt to be seen as virtuous, to get whatever unearned sympathy I can from you

I'd once again like to say sorry

I know I'm not good enough

One can always hope, of course

But it's easy for me to doubt that hope

 

Because it's all so hard to live up to.

And I've never paid the neessary price.


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