The New Shield Maiden

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Abandoned

Katherine Guffey finds herself in Asgard and with the only other option being going to Helheim she must convince the Gods and Goddesses of the Norse Patheon she belongs there.

Submitted: August 04, 2018

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Submitted: August 04, 2018



The once majestic and awe inspiring Asgard had become dull and lackluster as the worship of the Gods and Goddesses that call this realm home had waned.  Things had gotten so bad that the Valkyries had to be laid off, many finding work as Angels of this new Christian God.  Finally, Odin, The All-Father, had called a meeting to discuss options.  The meeting had been going on for over a hundred years as the Gods and Goddesses bicker over how to reverse their fortunes.  Odin was about to call a break when it happened, the incident.  At that moment nobody knew that this was the beginning to major changes in the Havens.

Short and chubby with short brown hair the naked woman holding rubbery cylinder appeared in the center of the feasting hall the meeting was being held in.  The Norse Patheon looked at her in stunned silence, it had been so long since anyone had come here they were unprepared for her arrival.  She looked around and let out a shriek and smacked the person nearest her in the head with the purple cylinder she held.

Tyr tried to cover his head and draw his sword, but the cylinder hurt has it slammed into his head repeatedly.  As Tyr tried to duck away the cylinder caught him in the eye bringing tears to it and a cry for mercy for the God of war.  The woman was unrelenting in her attack hitting him even as he curled up into the fetal position.

Freyja grabbed the woman’s wrist stopping the attack.  The woman tried to punch the Goddess with her free hand, but the Goddess was a trained and battle tested warrior who easily caught that hand also.

“Calm yourself maiden and explain what you are doing here?”

“I don’t know where here is!”

“If you forego attacking another we can figure this out.”

The woman looked around and saw everybody was looking at her which reminded her that she had not a stich of clothing on.  She pulled free of the beautiful Goddess and tried to cover herself.

“I think now is a good time for a break.  Freyja find our guest some clothes and I will speak with her,” Odin stated.

With a break finally called the other Gods and Goddesses left, leaving Freyja to deal with the naked woman and the whimpering Tyr.

“Come with me.  We will find you clothing.”

The woman nodded and followed the Goddess from the feast hall.

“You honestly have no idea where you are?”


“This is Asgard home of the Norse Patheon.”

“Asgard as in like Thor and Loki?”

“The very same.”

“How can I understand you, shouldn’t you be speaking like Norse language?”

“It is a benefit of this place, all that enter understand us and we them.”

“Cool like the universal translator on Star Trek.”

“What is this Star Trek?”

“A TV show, well actually there is a bunch of them.”

“What is a TV?”

“You don’t have TVs?”


“Oh my God I’m in Hell!”

“Calm yourself you are not in Helheim.  It will be decided once the break is over if you will remain here or go there.”  Freyja stopped in front of a large house.  “This is my house, come in and we will see if we can find you anything to wear.”

“That is going to be awkward, you being a Goddess and all, but I have no clue who you are.”

“You don’t know of me, but you know those loud mouth and troublesome idiots Thor and Loki.”

“Well you see Thor has his own movies and Loki are in them.  Odin is also and some of the others I guess, but they are like the main characters, so I would know them.”

“I am Freyja Goddess of Beauty, Love, Fertility, Magic, War and Death.”

“Boy you have a lot of responsibilities.”

“That I do and who are you?”

“You are a Goddess shouldn’t you like know this?”

“You are not one of our worshippers, so we have no connection to you.  If you did worship us we would know everything about you.”

“So, you don’t know anything about me at all?”

“I can tell you are a mighty shield maiden from the way you defeated Tyr, but beyond that I have no clue.”

“I’m Katherine Guffey.  I’m a lesbian and a fighter for lesbian rights.”

“What is a lesbian?”

“You don’t know what a lesbian is?”

“No, I don’t.”

Katherine stepped close to the Goddess and kissed her on the lips gentle.  “Let me teach you.”




As the meeting was called back into session Freyja hurried in and looked around for Katherine.  She had never felt anything like what that mortal had done to her.  She blushed as she remembered it and quickly found a seat in the rear of the feast hall.

“We have a new soul, but we have to decide where she should go since she is not a worshipper of us we can not see her life as we could one of our followers.”  Odin stood in front of the assembled Gods and Goddesses holding his mighty spear in his hand.  He had taken the time during the break to trim his beard and polish his armor.  “I ask your guest Katherine Guffey to please come forward and tell us about herself.”

The gown shimmered in the torch light as she stood and walked to the front of the hall.  She looked around and seeing Freyja in the back she smiled at her.  Stuck in the sash around her waist was the purple cylinder.

“Hi, I’m Katherine Guffey and I … well to be honest I’m not sure if this is real.  I could be in a coma or something.”

“It is real Katherine and now we have to decide if you will stay here in Valhalla or go to Helheim.”

“What is there to decide, look at her, she is no shield maiden.  She carries no sword or spear, wears no armor.  She belongs in my realm.”  A woman rose as she spoke.  The woman’s face was split down the center, half that of a beautiful woman, the other half that of a rotten corpse.

“Hela you were invited to this meeting as a courtesy, but we will follow tradition and listen to her story before we decide.”

“Yes, Lord Odin.”  Hela let her eyes linger on the mortal a moment longer before sitting down.

“I’m not even Norse, why am I here, shouldn’t I be in Haven?”

“There must have been a mix up, it happens, not often but it does.  We can not send you to your Haven and only offer you a chance to stay in Valhalla or send you to Helheim if you fail to prove yourself.”

Katherine looked over at Hela and shuddered.  She could see the looking the Goddess’ eyes.  She had seen that look before, she had had that look before and the idea of spending eternity with that woman scared her.

“How do I prove myself?”

“Valhalla is a place for warriors and as such you must prove that you are such,” Odin told her.

“She must also have died with a weapon in her hand.  I see no weapon so she has failed already,” Hela said with a lustful smile.

“That is true, but the world has changed and mayhap this item she carries is a weapon.”

Katherine really didn’t want to end up in Helheim and saw only one option, lie.

“This is a weapon, you have all seen me use it!”  She pulled the cylinder for her sash and brandished it above her head.

Tyr the God of war gave a soft whimper and as the other Gods and Goddesses all nodded.  Some even went so far as to voice their agreement with seen her use that weapon to fight.

“So, you do have a weapon, but we must hear of this battle you were in when you died.  We have no other way of deciding if you are truly worthy of staying here.”

The woman looked over the Gods and Goddesses and consider her options.  She really didn’t want to go to someplace ruled by a half rotten corpse that stared at her with lustful eyes, plus looking around there were so many beautiful Goddesses here.  She couldn’t tell them the truth that would just have her shipped off to Helheim, but could she lie convincingly.  She had read enough adventure books and play a lot of video games it was possible she could make something up.  Taking a deep breath, she looked up and …

“I say she has already proven herself.  She bested Tyr when she arrived which shows she has a warrior’s heart,” Freyja shouted!

Odin considered this, tradition required that the Patheon heard of the last battle of each warrior that came to Valhalla, but they hadn’t had a new recruit in ages.  He sat down on this throne and thought about it.  Tradition was one thing, but a new recruit, some one to breath life into Asgard again.

“I declare Katherine Guffey will stay in Valhalla as a shield maiden and on the day of Ragnarok she will fight beside us.”

A cheer rose from the Gods and Goddesses with only Hela looking disappointed as she disappeared back to her realm.

© Copyright 2018 Ian D. Mooby. All rights reserved.

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