The Valley of the Tools Episode 14

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

McKenzie's 24th Birthday Party is thrown at her house, where she takes issue with Kevin's constant joking, Lilly finds it strange how distant Rob is around McKenzie & Kevin, Noel argues that Bonnie
should finally reveal their relationship and Ryan is wracked with guilt over causing Ashton's death. Things get more serious when they find they can't leave McKenzie's house.

Submitted: August 07, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 07, 2018









“Let me in, the voice cried softly from outside the wooden door. Scattered remnants of the ship could be seen in the distance. Blood stained the icy wall of the shore”

  • Brian McMahan


(We start with Luther and Miles working across from one another in the creative lounge. Luther sips on a bottled water as he stares at his laptop. Miles strokes his mustache and stretches. Thirty seconds pass where basically nothing happens, until suddenly McKenzie pops her head in)


MCKENZIE: Hey, my lovelies! Are you down for the most off-the-chain party you’ve ever been to?


LUTHER: Oh, you mean your birthday party on Saturday?


MCKENZIE: Yeah! I mean that!

MILES: I can probably make it, but I’ll need to close the club for the night-


MCKENZIE: Cool! Then, do that! What about you, Luther?


LUTHER: I have an audition the next morning, but I can probably stop by-


MCKENZIE: Awesome! I’ll see you guys there. (McKenzie smiles and dashes away. Cut to Ryan reading an article on his laptop from the Hansbay Quintessential- the headline reads “Funeral Held for Hansbay High Graduate Killed in California”. Ryan looks sleep-deprived and scared. McKenzie comes over) Hey, Ryan-


(Ryan slams his laptop shut)


RYAN: What’s up?


(McKenzie is thrown)


MCKENZIE: …Everything okay?


RYAN: Uh-huh. What’s going on?


MCKENZIE: Okay, because you look pretty, “lost the will to live”-y.


RYAN: I’m great, what’s up?


MCKENZIE: …Are you coming to my party tomorrow night?


RYAN: Yeah, that sounds like a great distraction- not that I need one!


(Ryan smiles unconvincingly)


MCKENZIE: …Great, see you there.


(McKenzie walks to Rob’s office and knocks on the doorframe. Rob turns around)


ROB: Hey, Kenz.


MCKENZIE: What’s up, boss man? Are you coming to my party tomorrow night?


ROB: I don’t know, I have a meeting with Spielberg that night, so.


MCKENZIE: But Lilly’s going to be there.


ROB: Oh…she is? Yeah, I’ll go, then.


MCKENZIE: (Sarcastically) What about your meeting with Spielberg?


ROB: …I can push it, he’ll understand.


(McKenzie rolls her eyes and walks away. Cut to Whitney and Hannah in Whitney’s office, talking)


HANNAH: AstroManda’s ex-boyfriend enemy throws empty beer bottles at her? Thoughts?


WHITNEY: We’re not making a video game-


HANNAH: But, still!


(McKenzie knocks on the doorframe)


MCKENZIE: Hi, Ms. Stone.


WHITNEY: Honey, you don’t have to call me that.


MCKENZIE: If you’re not still mad at me, would you want to come to my birthday party tomorrow night?


HANNAH: Yeah! (To Whitney) We’re coming, right?


(Whitney glares at Hannah, and then looks at McKenzie)


WHITNEY: Yes, we’re coming. I’m not still mad at you, don’t worry about it. But we’ll probably only stick around for a couple hours, we’re not big on parties.


HANNAH: But, we could stay longer, depending on how things play out.


(Whitney passive aggressively half-smiles)


WHITNEY: …Right.


(McKenzie smiles)


MCKENZIE: Fuckin’ A! See you guys there!

(McKenzie leaves)


WHITNEY: Thanks for that.


HANNAH: Be nice!



(Cut to McKenzie walking into Bonnie’s office. Bonnie looks up)


BONNIE: Hey, Kenz. Yes, I will be at your party.


WHITNEY: Aw. I love you.


BONNIE: Likewise. Is- uhhh, are you inviting the interns?


WHITNEY: Ry-Ry and Noel? Of course! And I’m letting them drink, because I’m the cool mom.


BONNIE: Nice. See ya there.


(Whitney smiles and leaves. Noel comes in, holding a cup of coffee)


NOEL: “Uhh, are you inviting the interns?” Are you serious?


BONNIE: Close the door.


(Noel closes the door)


NOEL: (Whispering) When are we gonna stop this charade?


BONNIE: (Whispering) Maybe when you turn nineteen.


NOEL: Just a couple weeks!


BONNIE: Noel, it’s not that I don’t-


NOEL: Don’t what? Don’t want to be embarrassed by me? Have you ever thought about how embarrassing it is that your girlfriend wants to hide you? (Bonnie sighs) I want you to bring me to McKenzie’s party as your date! Okay?


BONNIE: No, let’s just- I’ll announce it. At the party. Let’s do it that way.


NOEL: What? Am I gonna jump out of a cake?


BONNIE: Just, work with me here, alright?


(Noel sighs)


NOEL: Fine. Tomorrow night.


(Noel leaves. Bonnie taps her fingers on the desk, nervously)


WHITNEY: Quit that, please!

(Bonnie stops tapping but looks very annoyed. Cut to Rob in his office, on the phone with Lilly)


ROB: I’m just saying, let me know ahead of time that you’re going to these parties, so I can plan to go too.


LILLY: (On the phone) Don’t you get Facebook notifications?


ROB: My phone doesn’t get them-


LILLY: Get the app! Oh my God, you’re so old.


ROB: I am not old! I’m not even forty yet.


LILLY: Fine. Go to the app store and get the Facebook app.


ROB: I will! Just give me an address!

LILLY: …Oh, Jesus.


(Cut to Kevin setting out variety of different liquor bottles upon the counter in his kitchen. McKenzie comes in and sets up red solo cups and finger foods. Kevin turns to McKenzie)


KEVIN: No one’s here yet.


MCKENZIE: It’s fifteen minutes after start time. I’d be surprised if anyone was here until nine.


KEVIN: I’m here. (Mock California accent) I’ll always be here for you, babe.


(Kevin holds McKenzie from behind)




KEVIN: Whaaat?


(McKenzie turns to Kevin and he backs up)


MCKENZIE: I have a challenge for you.


KEVIN: (Normal voice) …Are we talking cinnamon? Gallon?


MCKENZIE: Kevin, this! This is what I’m talking about!


KEVIN: You’re gonna need to define some of these pronouns, babe.


MCKENZIE: You’re always “on”, and I need you to chill out a little bit. Just be genuine for a second.


KEVIN: Am I not funny?


MCKENZIE: No, you are, but, people tell me they get frustrated that you’re always joking. To tell you the truth, so do I, sometimes.


KEVIN: …Okay. Yeah, I can- I can be real.


MCKENZIE: Good. Feel free to joke, but just, don’t go overboard. (Kevin nods as McKenzie pulls out a cigarette. Kevin takes his lighter and lights it for her. She blows smoke as he puts it away) Thanks.


KEVIN: You’re welcome. (Kevin grinds his teeth) Jesus, this is hard.


MCKENZIE: What was funny about the last couple seconds?


KEVIN: I had like, three jokes lined up.


(Cut to later on in the party. The whole office, plus Lilly, is there. They’re mingling, drinking, and in the case of three of them, smoking. Sleater-Kinney plays in the background. Cut to Rob and Lilly, drinks in their hands, talking to Whitney and Hannah)


WHITNEY: So, I had just gotten off the phone with Rianna Bennett from CBS Studios, we were talking about Meghan McCain’s performance on The View-


HANNAH: She’s the most entitled little white girl I’ve ever seen.


LILLY: In her defense, if poor people get healthcare, then she can’t afford as many homes as her father has. Millennials are truly the first generation to be worse off than the one before.


(Rob smiles, Whitney and Hannah laugh)


WHITNEY: Yeah! Think about that! She wants to keep the best quality healthcare for her dying father and keep it from everyone else. Spoiled bitch.


ROB: Did you guys see recently, when Trump tweeted that Sessions should fire Mueller?


WHITNEY: Yeah! Why wasn’t that bigger news?


HANNAH: Probably because Sessions won’t do it and Trump doesn’t have the balls to do it himself.


ROB: For now.


LILLY: If he does it, that’ll be the end of- no it won’t.


WHITNEY: No way.


ROB: Nope.


(McKenzie and Kevin walk over with cocktails in hand)


MCKENZIE: Hey guys! Thanks for coming.


KEVIN: Hello, everyone, it’s a pleasure to see you.


(Kevin smiles, weirding everyone out)


ROB: …Are you okay?


KEVIN: I am very well, thank you. How are you?


MCKENZIE: (Whispering) Overcompensating.


KEVIN: (Whispering) Sorry. (Normal voice) Good to hear.


LILLY: He didn’t answer.


WHITNEY: We’re gonna peep the finger food over here, see you guys around.


(McKenzie waves as Whitney and Hannah walk away)


MCKENZIE: She still hates me.




MCKENZIE: So, Lilly, how’s your new job working for you?


LILLY: I like it. Meghan’s really bearable.


MCKENZIE: Oh…good?


ROB: Trust me, that’s one of the highest compliments she can give a person. Even I’m just a notch above that.


MCKENZIE: Well, I’m glad. Have you been into entertainment stuff for a while?


LILLY: I was in theatre in high school, if you can believe that.


MCKENZIE: Hey! Same here!


LILLY: Oh, cool.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, I still do theatre stuff today, actually. I was thinking about playing the Hamilton soundtrack tonight-


(Kevin takes a deep breath)


LILLY: Why were you just thinking about it? Crank that shit up!

(Kevin takes out a cigarette and lights it, clearly holding in jokes)


KEVIN: It’s a- it’s a- it’s a great, musical.


(Kevin exhales smoke)


MCKENZIE: Yes! Let me go put it on.


(McKenzie walks over to the speaker system. She picks up her phone and goes to Spotify)


ROB: I didn’t know you were into Hamilton.


LILLY: It’s a well-done musical.


(Kevin desperately sucks on his cigarette and exhales a big puff of smoke)


KEVIN: It’s very good! (Lilly waves smoke out of the way) Sorry.


(Kevin coughs as “Alexander Hamilton” starts playing as McKenzie comes over and begins rapping along in unison with Lilly)


MCKENZIE & LILLY: (Rapping) How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor, grow up to be a hero and a scholar?


ROB: I’m gonna be over here. (Kevin nods. Rob walks over to the couch and sits down. He fishes a cigarette from his pocket and places it in his mouth. Kevin sits down beside him and takes out a lighter, seemingly offering to light it. Rob removes the cig from his mouth and glares at Kevin) What am I? Marlene Dietrich? What are you doing?


(Kevin puts down his lighter as Rob lights his own cigarette)


KEVIN: I’ll admit it was weird. But I’m just trying to be friendly. And maybe rattle off a couple jokes- McKenzie has me on a joke diet, of sorts.


ROB: You know, man, you’ll forgive me if I’m- (Whispering) not super interested in being your BFF right now, considering everything.


KEVIN: I didn’t mean anything by-


ROB: (Whispering) It’s nothing personal, we should just keep our distance.


(Rob stands up and walks out the back door onto the patio. Kevin sits, dejected, and takes a drag as he watches Lilly and McKenzie sing Hamilton together. Rob sits down on the back porch and watches them, too, with a somewhat annoyed look on his face. Cut to Lilly tapping the kitchen counter and putting her hands up)


LILLY: I tap out! You’re the bigger Hamilton fan here.


(McKenzie smiles and leans against the counter)


MCKENZIE: That’s pretty much the case anywhere.


(Lilly chuckles and looks out the window to see Rob smoking whilst looking annoyed. Lilly wears a quizzical look. Cut to Ryan sitting on the couch holding a PBR. He stares longingly into the distance. His blinking increases in frequency and he rubs them with great vigor. Cut to a vision of Ashton’s funeral. A closed casket sits on a stage in Hansbay Episcopal Church. A wreath adorns a sign with a picture of a 15-year old Ashton- the caption reads “Our Dearly Departed- The Chillest Bro in the Northeast, Ashton Delay, October 1, 1995 – July 28, 2018”. Ashton’s Italian-looking mother and thirteen year old sister Emma sit in the front pews and mourn)


MRS. DELAY: (In between sobs) Why-a did this a-have to happen to my dear, sweet boy?!


(Mrs. Delay keeps sobbing and Emma shakes her head)


EMMA: I’m gonna find the person who did this and they’re going to pay.


(Emma squeezes a rosary until it breaks. Cut back to reality. Ryan is shaken)


RYAN: …Oh, Jesus…why was Ashton’s mom Italian?


(Whitney sits next to Ryan)


WHITNEY: Hey, since when are you a wallflower?


RYAN: Since always.


WHITNEY: Something bothering you?


RYAN: …No, I’m, fine.


WHITNEY: Really? Because your face is selling more a “miserable wreck” vibe, but I’m no acting teacher, so.


RYAN: What? Are we friends all of a sudden? Do you even know my last name?


WHITNEY: …I’m gonna go with…Edwin?


(Ryan sighs, stands up and walks away. Cut to Kevin, Miles, Luther, Noel and Bonnie gathered around the couch, each with drinks in their hands, a little later that evening)


MILES: My best birthday party?


KEVIN: Yeah.


MILES: The guards at Juvey gave me a toothbrush for my fourteenth, and let’s just say, it came in handy.


KEVIN: You stabbed someone with it?




KEVIN: Okay, any non-depressing entries? Yes, you, the diversity hire?


LUTHER: Fuck you.


KEVIN: Sorry. Hmm. No more jokes, Kevin!


LUTHER: My eleventh birthday party was lit. My dad had a home theatre installed.


BONNIE: For real?


LUTHER: Yeah. He was a rich man. Until I was fifteen. Then I never had a good birthday again.


KEVIN: Okay, what’d I say about depressing stories? What about you, Bonnie? You must have… (Bonnie shoots Kevin a look) no parents, okay, fine, I’ll change the subject. Want to hear a joke?


NOEL: Sure.


KEVIN: Don’t tell McKenzie I told you this.


MILES: Is it about McKenzie?


KEVIN: No, I would never. (Beat) Wait, yes, I would. But, no, it’s not about her. (Kevin clears his throat) Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?




KEVIN: Because, Mrs. Pepper passed away. (They chuckle and golf clap Kevin’s joke as he bows) Thank you. Thank you.


(Cut to McKenzie sitting at the head of the table in their nook. All the party attendees are singing “Happy Birthday” to her. The lights are out, she’s beaming, as Kevin places a birthday cake decorated with “2” and “4” shaped candles upon it)


PARTY ATTENDEES: Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Kenzie, Happy Birthday to you!


(They applaud as McKenzie holds her heart and blows out the candles. Kevin leans down and kisses her)


KEVIN: I will take this opportunity to make a speech on McKenzie’s behalf-


(McKenzie playfully hits Kevin in the stomach)


MCKENZIE: No! My speech! (Kevin throws his hands in the air) First of all, I love all of you. You are my best friends. My lights in the darkness. My life has gotten so much more exciting in the past four months because of you special friends.


(Cut to Bonnie and Noel standing next to each other, watching McKenzie’s speech as it goes on in the background)


NOEL: (Whispering) How do you feel about the last two months, Bonnie? Been okay? Been pretty good, not good enough to share?

BONNIE: (Whispering) Meet me in the bathroom in ten minutes.


(Noel looks intrigued. Cut back to McKenzie and Kevin)


KEVIN: Let’s eat cake and get more drunk!

(Everyone cheers as Kevin cuts into the cake. Cut to McKenzie locking the bathroom door from the inside as the party rages outside. Noel is sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Bonnie lifts Noel and throws him against the wall, they start making out. Bonnie undoes Noel’s pants and then drops to her knees, to Noel’s great pleasure. Cut to McKenzie, Kevin, Luther, Rob, Lilly, Whitney and Hannah sitting around the kitchen table, each of them nursing drinks and playing “Secret Hitler”. Bonnie, Noel and Ryan are busy talking in the living room)


LUTHER: Alright, so, I’m the President, so I- I choose a new, Chancellor?


KEVIN: Yes, we do need to explain this every turn?


LUTHER: I’m sorry, my booze levels got me fucked up.


(They laugh)


ROB: Nominate me, I would be a kickass Chancellor-


LILLY: Babe, come on, you can’t just ask for it like that-


ROB: I deserve it! I’ve earned it!

LUTHER: I nominate Rob.




LILLY: Don’t, encourage him.


(Luther hands Rob two cards. Rob takes out a card and hands it to Kevin. Kevin puts down the card that says “fascist”)


KEVIN: Rob has instituted a fascist policy.


BONNIE: Okay! This motherfucker is obviously Secret Hitler! He’s not even trying to hide it!

ROB: Nuh-uh, I’m just trying to appease fascists. I’m Jeff Flake!


(Whitney yawns and checks her phone)


WHITNEY: My God, it’s three in the morning.


HANNAH: Is it really?


MCKENZIE: Yeah, I’m proud of you guys. Staying here way longer than you said you would.


HANNAH: I don’t think we can leave, either.


WHITNEY: Yeah, we can’t drive home like this. I’m just surprised I didn’t leave hours ago.


MCKENZIE: You guys are free to take the spare bedroom, if you’d like.


WHITNEY: (To Hannah) You wanna do that, babe?




(Whitney and Hannah get up)


WHITNEY: Happy Birthday, McKenzie.


(McKenzie gets up to hug Whitney)


MCKENZIE: Thank you, darling.


(McKenzie then hugs Hannah)


HANNAH: Happy Birthday, thanks for inviting us.


MCKENZIE: Of course! I love you guys. (Whitney and Hannah walk towards the spare bedroom on the other side of the house. McKenzie turns to the players) Are we still going?


ROB: I haven’t thrown my enemies in prison yet, so, yeah, we’re still going.


MCKENZIE: Alright, I’m gonna head out for a quick smoke and then we’ll be good to go.


ROB: ‘Kay.


(McKenzie walks towards the back door, but hesitates, stops dead in her tracks)


KEVIN: …What’s up?


(McKenzie turns to Kevin)


MCKENZIE: What? Nothing. Um. Do you guys mind if I just smoke in here?


MILES: I’m fine.


LUTHER: It’s your lungs.




(McKenzie sits down and lights herself a cigarette. She looks disoriented. Kevin looks at her)


KEVIN: …You alright?


(McKenzie looks over and nods)




ROB: Alright, is there a Kristallnacht card I can play?




ROB: What? This is all pretend! We’re pretending! (Cut to Rob waking up in the morning, passed out on McKenzie’s couch in Lilly’s arms. Rob rubs his eyes and sits up) …The fuck?


(Lilly shifts, still half-asleep)


LILLY: …What is it?


ROB: Why’d we stay here?


LILLY: We were drunk.


(Rob shakes his head)


ROB: I have the tolerance of a grizzly bear going through a divorce. I was not drunk at any point last night.


LILLY: …We were probably too tired.


(Rob shrugs)


ROB: Whatever. (Rob stands up and walks to McKenzie’s kitchen. He takes out a beer and chugs it, before disposing the bottle in the recycling. He looks down and sees Bonnie and Noel sleeping on blankets laid out on the floor, about two feet from each other. Rob is confused) Did we all stay here?


(Lilly sits up and opens her eyes)


LILLY: I don’t know, maybe. Why?


(Whitney walks in)


WHITNEY: It’s 11:30.


ROB: Thanks, Whitney, you’re an invaluable resource.


WHITNEY: No, I’m saying, Hannah and I had to be back by eleven for the cable guy.


LILLY: Obviously, you overslept.


WHITNEY: No, we’ve been awake for two hours.


(Rob squints)


ROB: …Okay, well, that seems like a really avoidable mistake on your part.


WHITNEY: …Yeah, I guess so.


(Luther comes out of the laundry room with a sock on his right shoulder)

LUTHER: Why the hell did I sleep on a pile of laundry?!


LILLY: You got a sock on your shoulder, bro.


(Luther throws the sock behind him)


LUTHER: I’m gonna be late for my audition, this is ridiculous. (Luther walks towards the front door, but then stops dead in his tracks. Luther turns around and faces everyone) I mean, I need breakfast first. Can’t audition on an empty stomach.


ROB: What the hell is going on?! Why are none of us leaving- why didn’t we leave last night?! Who past the age of fourteen does a sleep-over?!


(Miles walks in from the bathroom)


MILES: It’s especially disappointing since we didn’t even braid each other’s hair and compare dicks.


LILLY: Gay sleepovers must be confusing, huh?


(Miles nods as Kevin and McKenzie come in)


KEVIN: Morning, everyone. Coffee?


MCKENZIE: Whitney? Hannah? You guys are still here? What happened to the “Queen of Leaving Parties Early”?


WHITNEY: I-I-I don’t know.


(Whitney sits down and rubs her temples)


ROB: We’ve noticed that none of us can bring ourselves to leave. We don’t know why.


MCKENZIE: Yeah…I noticed that last night. I couldn’t even step out for a cig.


(Kevin takes out an empty cigarette pack)


KEVIN: Speaking of which, we’re out. Rob, Kenz, have any?


ROB: No, I’m dry.


MCKENZIE: Same here.


KEVIN: Guess I’ll have to go get some.


ROB: (Whispers) Watch this. (Kevin grabs his keys and walks up to the door, but of course, stops dead in his tracks) Listen, he’s gonna come up with an excuse.


(Kevin turns around)


KEVIN: Did you know each cigarette has 69 chemicals that are known carcinogens? I should probably just quit at this point.


(Kevin walks over to the counter and starts tapping his fingers on it. McKenzie goes up to him and strokes his face)


MCKENZIE: Babe? Are you alright?


KEVIN: I don’t feel like…that wasn’t me, over there. (Kevin turns to everyone else and smiles) Guess those “Truth” ads subliminally affected me, huh? (Kevin laughs and smiles awkwardly. A beat. He then slams his fist on the counter) The FUCK is going on?!


LILLY: Something’s preventing us from leaving. But I’ll be damned if I LET IT!

(Lilly grabs McKenzie’s TV)




(Lilly is about to throw it out the window, but hesitates)


LILLY: …Why…what is… (Lilly puts the TV down) why couldn’t I throw your TV out the window?!


MCKENZIE: Maybe because it would be a bitch thing to do!?


KEVIN: That’s never stopped her in the past.


(Rob steps up to Kevin)


ROB: What the fuck did you just say?


KEVIN: Whoa, Rob, I was just joking-


ROB: You don’t joke about her. Understood?


(McKenzie steps between them)


MCKENZIE: Boys, you left a puddle of testosterone here and we’re out of paper towels, back off.


(Rob stays in searing eye contact with Kevin as he backs away and leans on the kitchen counter. Kevin stares at him with confusion and frustration)


ROB: …This is goddamn ridiculous. I need to let my maid in.


LUTHER: Yeah, that is pressing. I need to politely ask homeless people to stop sleeping on my balcony. I can relate.


MILES: Nobody can run my club tonight if I’m not there. I’m needed!

(Ryan walks in with bloodshot eyes)


RYAN: We can’t leave. Trust me, I would’ve left fifteen minutes into the party last night if we could leave.




(Ryan looks at McKenzie)


RYAN: Yes, it is.


KEVIN: I’m glad everyone feels free to express themselves about how much they hate us.




KEVIN: No, no, I’m glad! Communication leads to cooperation, which leads to hate, and anger leads to suffering, and so forth-


MCKENZIE: KEVIN! You can’t joke your way out of this. Some mystical force is preventing us from leaving.


BONNIE: Mystical? What are you smoking?


KEVIN: NOTHING! Which will make being trapped in here with no tobacco so much easier!


MCKENZIE: How else can you explain this, Bonnie?


BONNIE: I don’t know, mass hysteria?


WHITNEY: I think the Russians did this.


BONNIE: Yeah, like that.


(Lilly walks over to Rob and hugs him)


LILLY: What are we gonna do?


ROB: Whatever this is, it can’t last forever. (Pan up to an analog clock on the wall. Time lapse roughly twelve hours. Pan back down to everyone sitting around, miserable looking, as the moonlight brightens the room. Noel and Bonnie are sitting a couple feet from each other on the couch) Okay, this might actually last forever.


HANNAH: Still no phone service?


(Ryan checks his phone)


RYAN: Nothing.


(Noel moves closer to Bonnie)


NOEL: You know what, gang? I have an announcement to make.




NOEL: No! I’m sick of this! (Everyone looks up at Bonnie and Noel) Bonnie and I are dating! We’ve been dating for almost two months now!


(Everyone looks unsurprised)


BONNIE: …Well?


MCKENZIE: We know.




NOEL: But, how?


MILES: Luther may have let it slip at karaoke the other week. While you were in the bathroom, Bonnie.


BONNIE: But how did he know?


LUTHER: I have a sixth sense about these kinda things. Also, I saw you two leave a broken elevator sweaty and red-faced. (Bonnie and Noel squirm uncomfortably) It was mostly that last thing.


BONNIE: …Well, I expected more judgmental looks.


WHITNEY: Well, the age difference did freak us out a little bit. I mean, he’s eighteen.


NOEL: Almost nineteen!

WHITNEY: Rob, how old are you compared to Lilly?


ROB: We’re the same age-


LILLY: He’s eleven years my senior.


ROB: Hey! Come on!

LILLY: They know how old you are! Why would I want them thinking I’m thirty-nine?!


MCKENZIE: It’s different, Bonnie, Noel just barely got out of High School.


BONNIE: …We really like each other. We’re not doing anything wrong.


NOEL: I’ve always thought that age can’t tell you much about a person. That’s why there are immature seventy-year-olds and wise ten-year-olds. Not that I’m saying you should date ten-year-olds, of course-


KEVIN: Needed clarification.


BONNIE: I don’t give a fuck what you guys think honestly. But I wasn’t looking forward to the intense judgement. Oh, porno slut whore is fucking one of her barely post-pubescent fans! Better tell TMZ!

NOEL: Yeah! (Beat) Well, I don’t agree with everything she just said-


(Rob shakes his head)

ROB: I can’t listen to this anymore.


(Rob walks into the bathroom. Kevin throws up his hands and sits at the nook table. McKenzie walks into the computer room and sits down in front of her desk, staring out the window. Lilly walks in behind her and closes the door. McKenzie spins around and faces her)


MCKENZIE: What is it?

LILLY: What are you doing?


MCKENZIE: Wondering who we’ll eat first once the food runs out.


LILLY: You mean, in thirty minutes?


(McKenzie smirks)


MCKENZIE: What do you really want?


LILLY: …Why does Rob act so strange around you and Kevin? Does he have something against you?


MCKENZIE: …Sit down, Lilly. (Lilly sits on a nearby sofa) Rob and I met around Valentine’s Day 2017. He saw one of my plays in West Hollywood with some producer whose daughter had a role. After the show, we met up outside, got talking. He complimented my acting, my body, my “life spirit”, whatever the fuck that means. I was depressed and vulnerable, and, he took me to his house in The Valley and we had sex. (Lilly grimaces) It didn’t stop there, either. We would have casual sex regularly for three months after that. It stopped when I met Kevin. (McKenzie leans in) It never meant anything.


(Lilly takes a deep breath)


LILLY: Then why would he hide it from me?


MCKENZIE: Why would he tell you?


LILLY: The fact that he hides it makes it so much worse! Why would he feel guilty about it if it meant nothing and we didn’t even know each other?!


MCKENZIE: It’s awkward, Lilly. It’s not exactly an easy to bring up.


LILLY: Why are you defending him!?


(McKenzie takes a deep breath)


MCKENZIE: I’m not. I just…I thought you should know.


(McKenzie stands up and leaves the room. Rob comes out of the bathroom and Lilly confronts him in the hall)


ROB: Hey, babe-


LILLY: So, you fucked McKenzie, huh?


(Rob’s eyes widen)


ROB: What? I don’t-


LILLY: Why would you deny it?! We didn’t even know each other when it happened!

(Imperceptible relief falls upon Rob’s face)


ROB: I- I didn’t think it was important and I thought it might upset you!


LILLY: Well, it upsets me a lot more that you hid it.


ROB: Have we ever met someone that you had sex with?


LILLY: No, we haven’t.


ROB: Well, fuck, then that undermines the point I was about to make. (Lilly scoffs and walks away. Cut to McKenzie sitting on the washer in the laundry room, nervously tapping the washer and staring forward. Rob walks in) Oh. Shit.




ROB: I was trying to find a place to get away from everyone.


MCKENZIE: I’m only a fraction of everyone, go ahead, sit on the dryer. (Rob shrugs and jumps up on the dryer, facing McKenzie) What’s been going on with us lately?


ROB: …Lately as in the last fifteen minutes? I don’t know, maybe it’s because you told my girlfriend about us.


MCKENZIE: Rob. (Whispering) I did you a favor.


ROB: (Whispering) Oh, then tell me where to send the “thank you” note!


MCKENZIE: Rob, she was already suspicious. I gave her a little secret to protect her from the big secret.


(Rob looks around)


ROB: She was suspicious?


MCKENZIE: Yeah! You made it pretty obvious by being all weird around Kevin and I. I tried to make up for it by being friendly to Lilly. Not that I wouldn’t have anyway, because she’s super lit.


ROB: Thanks.


MCKENZIE: It’s not my fault!


ROB: What’s not your fault?


MCKENZIE: I didn’t know you and she were seeing each other at the time.


ROB: You and she?




ROB: Isn’t it “you and her”?


MCKENZIE: No, because you wouldn’t say “her was seeing you”, you would say “she was seeing you”.


ROB: It just sounds better though-


MCKENZIE: Yeah, but, grammatically-


ROB: McKenzie. I didn’t somehow trap myself in this house for a grammar lesson.


MCKENZIE: …No, you didn’t.


ROB: I learned enough in school.


MCKENZIE: Did you really?


ROB: Nah, I was too busy getting laid.


MCKENZIE: …You made the decision to have sex outside of your relationship. Stop punishing us for it. (Beat, as Rob absorbs that) That’s all I wanted to say.


(McKenzie leaves the laundry room, as Rob appears dejected. Cut to Ryan sitting in the corner of the bathroom, in the fetal position, holding his head and breathing heavily like a man crazed with guilt)


RYAN: …Ashton, Ashton, Ashton- (Interspersed POV shots of Ashton handing drugs to Ryan) Ashton, can you hear me? (POV shot of a younger Ashton riding a bike away from Ryan) Ashton, I’m…Ashton, I’m sorry- (POV shot of Ashton standing in Ryan’s Tokyo apartment last summer. He’s smiling devilishly) that I didn’t kill you earlier YOU PIECE OF SHIT! (Shot of Ashton’s gravestone) I’m sorry…I’m sorry…your family must miss you… (POV shot of Ashton putting a knife to Ryan’s throat in his Santa Monica apartment) AND MINE WOULD’VE TOO, ASSHOLE!!


(Cut to Bonnie and Noel sitting on the couch in the living room. Noel finesses his hand onto her leg. Bonnie looks at him lustfully. They casually stand up and walk down the hall to the spare bedroom. Cut to Noel kissing Bonnie in the spare bedroom. They are both completely naked. Noel thrusts himself into Bonnie and she moans with delight. Cut to Kevin staring out the window on Monday morning, tapping the window pane with intensity. McKenzie, Miles and Luther sit on the couch, staring at him)


LUTHER: …Bro, I know this is your pad, but, do you mind?


(Kevin turns to Luther)


KEVIN: Yeah, “bro”, I mind. I’m trapped in my own house and I have gone thirty-six hours without nicotine. I’m on edge as FUCK. (Kevin looks out the window) I’m supposed to fly in a few hours. My boss is not gonna buy “some sort of spell trapped me in my own house for a few days”.


MCKENZIE: That’s assuming we ever get out of here.


MILES: We’re almost out of food.


MCKENZIE: Yeah, you ate all our chips!

MILES: I have to keep my sodium levels up, or else I go into a coma, I’M SORRY!


(Kevin turns around)


KEVIN: That’s it, maybe a cigarette fell under the spare bed once, or something-


(Kevin walks down the hall and opens the door to the spare bedroom- Bonnie and Noel immediately panic. Noel pulls out of Bonnie and throws the bed sheet over them)







NOEL: Hey, man, Kevin, I’m sorry, but sometimes people express themselves with their bodies-




(McKenzie runs over)


MCKENZIE: What’s going on- oh, my God.




MCKENZIE: Kevin, just relax, you’re irritable-


KEVIN: NO, NO, NO! You wanted me serious, right?! Well, THIS is what happens when I get serious! You don’t get to FUCK in my house! My sister has slept on that bed, you assholes! And she’s about your age, Noel!

BONNIE: Kevin, we’re sorry, it won’t happen again!

KEVIN: Then put your fucking clothes on!


(Bonnie and Noel quickly start getting dressed. Kevin slams the door and walks down the hallway, followed by McKenzie)


MCKENZIE: Kevin, you didn’t have to scream at them!

(Kevin turns to McKenzie)


KEVIN: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, MCKENZIE?! I’m being serious, isn’t that what you want!? These people are interlopers here!


MCKENZIE: They can’t leave! None of us can! Stop yelling at me!

(McKenzie walks past Kevin and Lilly walks right up to her and starts making out with her. McKenzie, strangely enough, gives in. Everyone watches, in shock, especially Kevin. Rob puts down his glass of water as he watches this unfold. Lilly comes up for air and then begins making out with Kevin. McKenzie watches, in awe, as Kevin gives in. Lilly lets go of Kevin and turns to Rob)


LILLY: With that, I declare any and all jealousy between us officially null and void.


(Miles raises his hand)


MILES: But now I’m jealous!

(Kevin chuckles)


KEVIN: You people are insane.


(Kevin walks back towards the window. Rob walks over and McKenzie pulls him into start making out with her. Lilly smiles. Bonnie and Noel come in, fully clothed and see this happening)


BONNIE: …Might as well go back, huh?


NOEL: Yep, it’s the Fall of Rome.


(Bonnie and Noel run back to the bedroom. Rob pulls away from McKenzie and starts making out with Lilly. Luther, Miles, Whitney and Hannah simply look on. Whitney and Hannah shrug and start making out with one another)


LUTHER: …This makes me feel great.


MILES: Yeah, the universe definitely has someone for me, out there somewhere.


(Cut to Ryan pulling a candle out of the bathroom cabinet and placing it upon the counter. Cut to Kevin sitting on a recliner as Whitney, Hannah, Miles, Luther and McKenzie sit around the living room, listening to him)


KEVIN: This insane situation makes everyone horny except McKenzie and I, I guess. (Cut to Ryan lighting the candle. Cut back to Kevin) Reminds me of a joke I told last night, Whitney, Hannah, I don’t think you were around for this one. (Cut to Ryan placing his cell phone, displaying Ashton’s 2014 yearbook photo, against the candle) “Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?”



(Cut to Ryan looking down)


RYAN: Rest in eternal Hellfire, Ashton.


(Cut to Kevin)


KEVIN: Because Mrs. Pepper left him…


(Everyone looks towards the door. Cut to Ryan. He blows out the candle, takes his phone and opens the bathroom door)


MCKENZIE: Oh my God. (McKenzie approaches the front door and sheepishly opens it. She steps outside) What happened?


(Everyone rushes to the door, including Ryan, and even Noel and Bonnie rush out of the spare bedroom wearing only underwear and step outside)




ROB: But what happened!?


KEVIN: It must’ve been the joke I made! As soon as I was finished, the curse was broken!


NOEL: Same here.


(Bonnie smiles and kisses Noel)


WHITNEY: Well. Terrific. (Whitney faces all of them) Now, we can go to work.


MILES: Are you serious?!


WHITNEY: I missed a call with CBS Studios this morning. I’ll be damned if we get any further behind. We’re all going into work. (To Bonnie and Noel) Would you two mind getting dressed beforehand?


BONNIE: We’ll think about it.


(Bonnie starts making out with Noel)


KEVIN: Well. This has been a bacchanal of epic proportions. Happy Birthday, McKenzie.


MCKENZIE: Whatever. I’ll see you all at work.


ROB: Damn right, you will. (To Lilly) You better head to CBS Studios yourself. Tell Meghan it was traffic.


LILLY: …Right. Traffic is why I’m three hours late.


(Rob kisses Lilly)


ROB: I’ve talked my way out of worse jams. You’ll be fine. (Lilly smirks and nods. Rob and everyone else head for their cars. Cut to Rob on the phone in his office) Amy, just listen, the 405 collapsed this morning, that’s why I couldn’t- Amy, you didn’t hear about it because the deep state wanted to cover it up. Why do you think they banned Alex Jones? (Beat) I don’t condone Alex Jones either, I’m just saying- (Whitney comes in) listen, Amy, I’ve gotta go. Sorry again. Stay frosty. Bye-bye. (Rob hangs up) CBS people are touchy.


WHITNEY: Rob, what the hell happened?


ROB: Amy called me an “unreliable fuckwedge” essentially.


WHITNEY: No, I mean, in that house?


ROB: That? I don’t know. (Rob leans back) It was probably God punishing me for, well, take your pick.


WHITNEY: I pick everything.


ROB: Fair enough.


WHITNEY: Actually, I think I was the one being punished.


ROB: I’m glad it happened, considering it cleared the air with McKenzie and Kevin.


WHITNEY: But what happened to us there was supernatural.


ROB: Or, maybe it was some weird form of mass hysteria. Like those dancing plagues that spread through Europe during the 1500s.


WHITNEY: I guess. (Whitney shakes her head) It certainly wasn’t that goddamn joke that set us free.


(Rob nods)


ROB: Maybe we trapped ourselves in there, so we could, work out our problems. Like men.


WHITNEY: …And women.


ROB: I said “like men”, I didn’t say we are ALL men.


(Whitney shakes her head)


WHITNEY: Clearly, you had more problems you need to hash out.


ROB: I suppose. Life moves on, though.


(Whitney shrugs and exits the office. Before the door closes, the camera jumps in on Ryan staring at Rob’s office from reception. Cut to black)



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