The Self Proclaimed Inspector

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

An excerpt from my latest book: The Self Proclaimed Inspector. You can find the rest of on the Barnes on Noble Online Store, just search for "The Self Proclaimed Inspector.'

Submitted: August 13, 2018

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Submitted: August 13, 2018



The winter was long in the city, long like a longboat or… some other long object. I’d almost forgotten what my office windows looked like without a frosted glaze around their edges. The coldness in the air matched my demeanour as my mind began to wander back to the past.

Back to my days in the force, oh how I missed those days. How was I supposed to know using a riot shield as a sled would get me dishonourably discharged? There is no justice in this world; I got kicked off the force for one small mistake while the real criminals walk free. I may not be a cop anymore but I intend to bring at least a little bit of justice this dirty, broken city of mine… I’m a private investigator and a good one at that. My senses are sharp; my memory is keen and my powers of deduction are second to none. Not even the smallest detail escapes my gaze.

“Are you going to just stand there looking out your window the whole time?”

Oh right… I was so busy brooding; I forgot I was with a client.

“Sorry,” I turned back to Mrs. Daimler, her emerald eyes staring back at me suspiciously, “I was just thinking about the case… so you want me to solve your husband’s murder, right?”

“What? No!” She snapped back, her red hair as fiery as the passion in her words, “I think he’s cheating on me, I need you to prove it.”

“Wait…” I confidently stroked my chin, something in her story didn’t add up. Only a perceptive mind such as mine could tell she was lying, but I had got her, “How can he cheat on you if he’s been murdered?” I stared her down, waiting to see what ridiculous lie she’d come up with next.

“He hasn’t been murdered! Have you been paying attention to anything I’ve said?” She slapped her slender right hand on my desk in a fit of rage. She was right-handed… I must remember that; it might be useful information later on in my investigation.

“Of course I’ve been paying attention,” I raised my eyebrow slightly; my look of assurance seemed to calm her down somewhat.

“Great, so you’ll take the job?” She sighed with an air of frustration in her voice, although I didn’t understand why… was she still hiding something? “All you need to do is take a few pictures of him with the… other woman,” She continued, “Then I can take it to a divorce attorney.”

I paused for a moment as I took in all the information, “I accept the case. Now let’s talk about my fee…”

Infidelity is a terrible thing; it can destroy marriages, households, even the reputations of some celebrities (I still can’t believe Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston). I feel guilty about profiting off such a shameful act, but it is my burden to bear in the name of justice.


Crime doesn’t sleep in the city, but I have to, but not for too long. The longer I sleep, the longer crime goes on unchecked. I must be awake at all times, except when I’m asleep, which isn’t often. In the early hours of the morning, I’m awake, ready to solve this case before the trail runs cold.

First I had to go through the facts; Mrs. Daimler came to me for help, she thinks there’s another woman in her husband, Mr. Daimler’s life. Naturally, she wanted a divorce, but without proof, she wouldn’t get any of that sweet, sweet alimony.  All I had to do was get photographic evidence, it seemed so simple, but as I’ve learned after over 10 years in law enforcement, nothing is ever that simple.

The obvious place to start my investigation was the Daimler household, but that seemed… too obvious for my liking, so instead I started at The Silver Bullet Pay per hour Motel, a favourite location amongst all the adulterers of the city. If Mr. Daimler had a mistress he’d surely meet with her there.

I waited patiently in the motel parking lot, my mobile phone at the ready and waiting to take that all important incriminating photo. It didn’t take long for another vehicle to pull up in the parking lot. Two figures surfaced from the car doors, could it be Mr. Daimler? I tried to get a good look at him without seeming too obvious. It was in that moment that I had an epiphany… I didn’t actually know what Mr. Daimler looked like; Mrs. Daimler hadn’t given me any photos of him. This was going to be more difficult than I thought. I had no way of knowing the man at the motel was Mr. Daimler, but I couldn’t take any chances. I quickly snapped a photo as they walked towards the motel reception, a moment captured in time, a simple click of a camera shutter could be enough to end a marriage… but this picture would not be ending any marriages… Instead of seeing a picture of a couple walking in the snow-covered motel parking, I saw the face of a man who carried the burden of bringing justice to a whole city- it was my own face. I had my phone on selfie mode.

By the time I’d changed the settings on my phone’s camera, the couple was inside, but no matter, soon another couple arrived, then another, and another and another. Still unsure of what Mr. Daimler looked like, I had to photograph them all.


A knock on my door-it must be Mrs. Daimler, I’d phoned her a few hours ago with the news. I’d taken plenty of photos, now all she had to do was point out which one is her husband.

The door creaked as I opened it to reveal the feminine figure waiting on the other side. I was right, it was Mrs. Daimler; life becomes far too predictable when you’re a master of deduction.  It is both a blessing and a curse.

“So you’ve got the evidence?” Her green eyes danced up and down as she looked at me and then at the folder in my hands.

“I have,” I smirked as I opened the folder to reveal my handiwork. “All you have to do is identify which one is your husband.”

“Excuse me?” Her enthusiasm turned to disbelief as she snatched the folder from me and looked through the photos. “Who are all these people?”

She was being rude, but I had to maintain my professionalism, civilians don’t always understand the process involved in solving a case. “They were all at the local motel; I assume one of them is your husband with his mistress? You didn’t give me any photos of your husband so I had to just guess.”

“I suppose I didn’t…” Mrs. Daimler conceded, “I thought you’d just follow him from the address I gave you- our house and see what he looks like from there.”

“Oh Mrs. Daimler,” I shook my head in amusement, “You don’t understand how investigations work at all, that would’ve been far too obvious. Just look through the photos, I’m sure you’ll find your husband somewhere in there.”

The redhead rolled her eyes at me as she took another look through the photos; some people find it difficult to admit when they’re wrong. I am not one of those people, although rarely am I wrong.

“I can’t tell,” She threw the stack of photos down on my desk, “They’re all so low quality, and I’m pretty sure your thumb was on the lens half the time. The only one in focus is this one … is that a selfie?”

You’d think a woman would be able to identify her husband, even from a pixelated picture… Maybe she did see her husband in the photos… maybe she just didn’t want to believe he was cheating on her because deep down she still wanted to see the best in him. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back anymore can be one of the hardest feelings to deal with, even for a hardened, cold, calculated mind such as mine. I gazed out my office window as I remembered the love I lost… Her name was Violet and…

“Why do you keep staring out that wretched window?!” I was snapped back into reality by Mrs. Daimler’s impatience, “You know what? Forget it! I’ll find a better private investigator.”

“Good luck trying to find anyone better.” I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit, Mrs. Daimler was one step away from the door when she turned back to face me. I should’ve just let her leave, but a good detective never leaves a case half solved, “I tell you what; I’ll get a better camera and I’ll get you the pictures tomorrow.”

“Fine!” She snapped back, “And this time; maybe start by following him from our house so you can see what he looks like?”

“Alright, we’ll do it your way.” I felt a lump in the back of my throat, I always followed my gut feeling, and from the beginning, my gut told me not to go to the Daimler residence, but I had to if I was going to wrap this case up.

Without another word; Mrs. Daimler nodded and left my office, I was alone once more… alone with my thoughts of Violet, oh how I missed her…

No, I can’t do this now. I have a case to solve, a case that needs a high-quality camera… good thing I still had friends in the police department.

(Want to know what happens next? You can find the rest of the story as an ebook on the Barnes & Noble Online Store, just search for 'The Self Proclaimed Inspector.')

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