The world of whispers

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

all about political, social and economical humour

Submitted: August 13, 2018

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Submitted: August 13, 2018



When whispers becomes boss

I have this dream that one day I will grow up from being a fellow who earns a miserable thing called a wage, which is so small that the wallet complains of being half dressed. I dream grow into a salary earner.

I dream that one day somewhere after the year 2,000 that my wallet will be complaining of being overfed, not with charity sweepstake tickets as it is today, but with real money and assorted cards that can buy things.

I imagine that will happen the day I become boss somewhere, meaning when I will have the power, to hire and fire wage earners. That is enough power to summon a chap to my office an tell him “Mister, this company is so fed up with you that the best we can do for you now is to give you your last pay packet and ask you to look for somebody else to pay for your payslip.”

I know some  of my friends would commit suicide if I became a boss, indeed some might take refuge in some foreign countries under the pretext of going there for further studies just because I have become a boss.

They would so that, not for fear that one day out to be their boss, but because they would no longer have a chance to have a hangover from my payslip. I would have liberated my payslip from their throats because when I am a boss, will not be drinking in those places where you pass through the toilet to get to your bar seat.

Being a boss, I will also avoid those places where you find four juke boxes competing in shouting ( in the name of singing) in four different languages – Lingala, Kikuyu, Kimaragoli and Abagusii – while the barmaid is demanding her dues in Dholuo in a voice louder than that of a train shuttling to Kisumu.

Like other salary earners of substance, I will move to where a man can have his Jeremiah’s waters and sing about his goats and in praise of the man who carried out a successful operation on him in the name of circumcision. Those places are, of course, not called bars. They are called clubs an inns and the waiters are called stewards.

My friends won’t reach me there because the clubs I go to avoid matatus and public buses and my friends are known to develop heart aches the moment they are taken out of the city center.

Being such a salaried boss in charge of wage earners, I will suddenly forget that I was once the owner of an empty wallet and behave as if I had owned a fat salary all along. That is, some of the rules I will make for the company will cause the workers to want to meet me in the dark alley when they are armed with such items of war as simis and rungus.

I would not be a totally bad boss though and would make certain rules that would make some male workers smile. I would do all things possible to protect the men who try very hard to prove they are made of flesh and blood.

Those men of real flesh and blood get too involved in sowing wild oats all over the place then deny they where anywhere near the planting field. What I mean is that they go all over the place promising skirt wearers marriage. In the process, they show them the way to the maternity hospital. Once they do that, the men disappear so fast that you would think they never existed in the first place.

The women happen to have eyes and mouths after they come from maternity, and they use them to look out for the men who sowed the wild seeds then disappeared. They find out the offices of those men then arrive there accompanied by evidence that they had once been promised marriage by those men.

The evidence is either a boy or a girl who thinks the word father is a foreign one, because he or she has never seen one. The evidence is taken to the office of the man who would have been his or her father and dumped at his desk, while the mother takes off as if she has been stung by bees.

Instead of keeping quiet and pretending the man before him is father Christmas, the child opens his mouth as wide as he can and starts crying so loudly that you would think that he has had a good look inside the stomach of a monster.

The man pretends that the child is laughing and even smiles to try and convince his colleagues that he is in good company than the truth – that he has been presented with a gift he doesn’t want.

Being a boss of flesh and blood, I shall protect such men folk from being presented with gifts they don’t want. The sure way of doing that is by giving instructions at the reception desk  that all skirt wearing visitors accompanied by children who bear ear lobes, eyeballs, lips and hair resembling any male member off staff, be screened.

After it has been established that the said skirt wearer has not come to present a member with a gift he doesn’t want, she shall be given a verification certificate saying that her presence and that of the young future leader with her will not endanger or disrupt the peaceful atmosphere of the company.

Being a boss, and bosses are made to look to make money for the company so that it can afford to pay membership for me and my pets in a club, I shall make certain rules that will help to make money.

I shall start by banning the use of satanic language in the office. I am not talking about the chief accounts clerk telling the tea girls things to the effect that he would not commit suicide if she agreed to have a beer, a dance and other things with him after 4:30 p.m. (so long it is not stolen from the company). I am talking about truly satanic things.

I shall ban such satanic and abusive language as “pay rise”, “Christmas bonus”, “Christmas staff party”, “staff bus and canteens”, “farewell wheelbarrows and watches”, or “long service awards”.

Also banned will be talk of “Give me a few days off because my great grandfather, whom I am named after, is renewing his marriage vows in a church”. I shall also not listen to such devilish things as “the cousin of my grandmother’s sister died yesterday and there is curse that if I don’t attend the funeral I might as well forget having another child in my life because I shall be as impotent as a mule”.

As a further measure to make sure that more and more money is available so that my salary and other things called fridge benefits (yes, the fridge because they allow you to keep more things in the fridge) can continue growing. I shall institute measures to catch small thieves who think that the office is a kind of supermarket where they can pick up things without paying.

I shall take immediate measures to prove that the boss is not Father Christmas or the head of salvation army to give free goods. That is why I shall post a guard outside the staff toilets to make sure that toilet paper doesn’t disappear  into handbags and suits.

Anybody coming from that room shall be made to swear the following: “I, so and so, payroll number such and such, do solemnly swear that I did not put the company’s toilet papers into any other use except what it is meant for. I do swear that I did not steal a whole or part of a toilet roll against companies regulations Toll/12/2001 which is punishable by loss of three days salary.”

I don’t know whether or not I shall copy some of the things that I see some bosses doing. This includes discouraging staff from coming to my office during the Christmas season unless they have in their hands parcels that suggest they have come to wish the boss a happy Christmas and a very long life with a bottle of whisky or anything that will make him be tempted to look into the health of their payslips come next year.

That is, I might be tempted to have an unwritten rule saying that not all who call me boss, boss, shall have healthy payslips. Like other bosses that I know, I might make it known that apart from calling me boss, kissing my shoes, and generally having knees, it is important for a member of staff under me to make a habit of handing me something wrapped in gift paper come the Christmas season.

Knowing only too well that office telephones are used more for such activities as calling people and telling them such activities as calling people and telling them such things as, “Hey, I have been paid my mid month so shall we meet and swallow,” I shall make it very difficult for employees to use my telephones for that purpose.

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