Morning Coffee

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: August 14, 2018

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Submitted: August 14, 2018

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Each day I wake up and I have my morning coffee.

Each cup is an additional 16 ounces attempting to stop me from allowing you to control my every thought but

I get caught up drinking my thinking into sinking feelings about linking the 

fake things we layered on the real things we shared to protect ourselves from caring too deeply

to keep our guards en garde and not let our emotions seep too neatly into each other’s hearts

because for some reason you found it too difficult to love me through the distance keeping us apart

but for me, that was one of the many reasons it was worth staying together

imagine the passion that follows every time we weather another stint absent each other’s touch

for me, time and distance were never enough reason to say

”this is too tough and I don’t think we should stay...

together.”

because it wasn’t until you that I realized

that the color of true love was the color of

your eyes

accompanied by

the glow of your smile

the undeniable beauty

of your mind

the bind you have on me feels sublime

but ever since you left I’ve been trying to climb out of this vast abyss known only as loneliness and for some reason I feel like the only way to climb free

is through endless amounts of 16 ounce coffee.

Every morning my alarm clock is the warning sign that my mind is about to kick into overdrive

fantasizing about what we could have been and the perfection that we once were because to me

beyond perfection is where we were headed for.

The only time I’ve ever been to heaven is when you’re layin’ next to me

and the only time I’ve ever heard euphoria is the way you say, “I’m so ridiculously in love with you even a blind man could see.”

and that was me

the man absent his sight who with you could still understand the true meaning of what true love looked like so...

you should know that I’m still in love with you because every morning brew only seems to inflate my longing for you like a helium balloon

floating me away on thoughts of our clothing splayed across our bedroom floor

my ear presses up against memory’s door and tunes in to the sound of our lust

my mind’s eye finds us wrapped within the blanket of our trust where both our heads rest together upon one pillow

like the perfect silhouette of the moment when I first fell in love with you

and then to fall asleep and count the sheep upon the field of our dreams where complete bliss was found within the company we keep

only then to open my eyes to see your eyes nowhere in sight

I’m forced to fight the fright that frantically flows into my bloodstream

and the only tool I have to do that is this 16 ounce cup of hot caffeine 

So I can stay awake and fake a smile to represent a person who doesn’t feel hollow desiring nothing more than to dial your number and ask if you still dream those same dreams within your slumber but

you don’t answer your phone.

So here I am walking alone on the street attempting to resist letting the thought of you creep onto every wall of concrete surrounding me.

I see you on sidewalks, in stores, on corners, on doors,

on street signs, in cars, on t-shirts, in bars

i see you on the subway, on every window display

In every story

of every building

i see you in every direction, from every angle, on everything. 

When I walk into museums I can only think of our history

when I walk into bookstores, I gravitate toward the section with

mystery novels and survival guides because my subconscious thinks they’ll teach me how to checkmy vital signs cause my coffee intake is way too high

and although I’ll try to deny feeling anything other than fine

the doctors in hospitals convince that I’m injured cause an empty feeling still lingers in the areas between my fingers where you slipped your hand on like a glove and laced the warmth of your love with the pulse of my heart

when I start to speak those words

I love you

I can still savor the flavor of the taste of your lips and feel the sensation of the curve of your hips within my grip and for a brief moment I’ll slip

 

back into the paradise of our kiss

but I know that missing you like this is counterintuitive because it’s one sided.

I know you’ve actually decided that you never want us again and I’m just pretending that now could be then

and when all of this happens I’m stifled cause I can feel you aiming an assault rifle at our relationship that I’m standing in front of protecting

and your ammunition is all of the love that I’ve invested

and I can feel the pair of precisely aligned crosshairs on the left side of my rib cage

which is harnessing all of the rage that I’ve withheld over you making the decision to end is by yourself.

Every morning I try to ignore that you’re pulling on the trigger just a little bit more and when you finally crack the shot that cuts off all contact you’ll open a wound that will exacerbate the fact that despite all of the pain that you’ve caused 

I still want you back

because I’m shackled into this self-conscious prison that has arisen from your decision for our division where all the bars are made out of mirrors that reflect

all of my unattractive physical defects that only I can see because since we no longer talk I need to give myself a reason for why you rejected me so easily so...

this was written for anyone going through a one-sided breakup gone wrong

they say, “old love only hurts until new love comes along.”

Don’t make the same mistake that I did and lock yourself into a depression

instead use me as the example and take away from this one lesson

If loving you back is too much to ask, don’t get stuck in a rut

instead, grab some skim milk, two sugars, and a 16 ounce cup

because waking up and letting it go is something that needs to be done

step 1 is out of the way of that gun

step 2 is hearing the bullet shot, turning around, and watching your relationship ascend into the forgotten

where from there, it’ll drop down to you a key that you can use to unlock those shackles and take step 3

out of your prison cell and into a new beginning, where out here there are only three policies

the first is to always maintain your honesty

the second is to never devalue yourself because to someone you are a commodity

and number three is the next time you feel like you’re ready

to brew your morning coffee

just remember that it’s healthier

to always drink responsibly.


© Copyright 2018 Phil Blechman. All rights reserved.

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