Call me unlucky

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic


Feelings, conflicts, thoughts. The destruction of a relationship.

Submitted: August 16, 2018

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Submitted: August 16, 2018

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They don’t know how it feels.

 

They don’t know how it feels.

Unable to breathe.

Unable to move.

Being kissed by the morning sun,

Being exhausted despite the 11 hours of sleep.

 

They don’t know how it feels

Feeling so cold.

Unable to feel any warmth.

Not a bath, nor all the blankets in the world.

Nothing will help.

Except his lost touch.

 

They don’t know how it feels

Feeling so empty.

Unable to be filled.

Friends and family cannot fill you with joy.

Each tear you cry empties you a little more.

Until you are nothingless void.

 

They don’t know how it feels

Feeling so alone.

Unable to acknowledge presence of others.

Surrounded but many but feeling as if no one.

As each day passes,

You slip further away.
 

They don’t know how it feels

Taking on the definition of death.

Without dying. Being dead.

You keep it to yourself.

Locked away.

 

But they don’t know how it feels.

They wouldn’t understand.

Fearing the conversation of it.

The questions being asked.

All because they are not you.

They don’t know how it feels.

______________________________________________________________________________

Each and every

 

Each cut, each thought.

They each make you stronger,

than you were before.

 

They each represent something.

What you had to go through.

Struggles, insecurities, low points.

 

Cuts;

Showing you are strong,

Enough to go on,

Enough to keep trying.

Where you could have ended it,

You didn’t.

 

Thoughts;

Running through your mind,

Facing your fears.

When you thought ending

Yourself was the best option,

You didn’t.

 

You’re stronger than ever before.

Each and every scar,

Each and every contemplation.

Represents a battle won.

Keep fighting.

 

Believe in yourself.

Everyone goes through shit.

We all have to fight battles.

Some tougher than others.

How you cope may vary.

But I love you.

I need you.

You will get through this.

Keep fighting.

______________________________________________________________________________

Absence of you

 

Waking up to the morning,

Rolling over and reaching out,

To nothing, it always gets me.

You’re gone, never to return.

 

I begin to type a text,

Pausing for an instant,

remembering you’re no longer there.

It tears me apart again.

 

I try to distract myself,

Drawing and reading,

Writing and sleeping.

It all leads back to you.

 

My mind won’t set me free.

Always wondering if you

Might possibly be thinking of me.

Absurd, I know.

 

It’s been 11 months, 17 days,

Since we last spoke.

You told me, you were done.

Done with me, done with us.

 

So why do I keep my hopes up,

Why can’t I move on.

I want to, I really do.

But I can’t shake the thought of you.

 

Once again, I’m offset.

The absence of you

Destroys me daily.

To the point where I may be absent.


______________________________________________________________________________

Coffee

 

As the aroma fills the air,

My pupils dilate.

Sitting quietly in that shop.

On the corner, the one you loved.

 

Flipping of pages in books,

Quiet chatter of others.

The door sporadically opening.

Each sound a distraction from you.

 

Sipping from the shade of brown

That fills my cup.

I think to myself.

Where did i go wrong.

 

Is this all my fault?

Why’d you leave?

Was I not enough?

Of course.

 

I finish my cup,

Set it down of the triangularly shaped table.

I exit and step down onto the curb.

Never to return, too many thoughts.

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Destroying myself to help others

 

I’ve always been bad at;

Caring for myself first,

Thinking of what is best for me,

Making sure I’m okay

 

I was always so concerned for others

Always by their side when needed

All hours of the night

I would leap at the chance to help

 

It destroyed me.

No one did for me what I did for them.

Helping others was all I wanted to do.

I was so unaware that it would cost my well being.

______________________________________________________________________________

Just Friends

 

I love him, my everything

He keeps me together

When I’m at my worst

He’s the only one there

 

But it’s not right

Yes, I care for him

But I can’t make him happy

He doesn’t deserve this

 

He won’t listen to reason though

Of course not, why would he

How do I get him to understand?

This. Us. Will never be. Can’t be.

 

He will be destroyed.

Without me, he can’t move on.

He needs to. But won’t.

Just friends, is best, but he doesn’t understand.

______________________________________________________________________________

All For You

 

I sit here in a room full of people,

Yet I feel so alone.

Quietly I listen to the tapping of feet,

The faint sounds of breath and coughing.

 

Somehow it all reminds me of you.

How we use to be. Happy together.

But that’s forever gone, both

you and happiness slowly fade

 

Are you happy? Probably.

You’re better off now, without me

We both know it, you need this to succeed

I can’t be holding you back any longer

 

I broke more at the expense of saving you.

But you hate me now, for ending what we had.

Little did you know or understand why.

It was all for you, alway all for you.

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Gone

 

It’s 4 a.m. and I roll over from staring at the clock,

watching the minutes, the hours tick by.

There I am stuck, unable to do anything.

Just remembering how it felt. How you felt.

Your touch, your love, it was home, comfort to me.

 

It has been gone for quite some time though.

So why am I still strung up about it?

You’re not coming back. I know that and you know that.

I mean why would you.

You never did anything to deserve how I treated you.

 

Why can’t I just let go? Of all of this.

Maybe the guilt is getting to me, I don’t know.

I shouldn’t have done what I did.

I know that now, but I can’t change it.

I’m sorry I’m a shit person.

You deserve the world and I couldn’t give you that.

 

I loved you, I still love you,

but you wouldn’t believe that, would you?

Well I did, you were all I ever wanted,

all I ever needed, but that was the problem.

You were my perfect match, but I wasn’t yours.

I was wearing you down.

 

I'm complicated and messy and it was breaking you,

you didn’t notice or pretended not to,

but i couldn’t help but give my attention to that.

I couldn’t stand here, ripping you apart anymore.

I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.

______________________________________________________________________________

Apology I

 

Sorry I’m a shit person. Sorry I treated you like shit.

Sorry I caused so much drama.

Sorry for everything I ever did.

There’s no excuses. I’m coming clean.

I can’t do this anymore. It’s too much.

Hope you have a great life, you deserve it.

______________________________________________________________________________

Apology II

 

Okay I’ve been thinking about what you said.

A lot of thinking.

And basically I’ve come to the conclusion,

that this needs to be done with. I’m so sorry,

I care so much and you’re amazing,

it just will not work. I know that for a fact.

 

The past entire year we have been

back and forth and that’s not about to just change.

We are best off just calling it and accepting it.

It’s better this way, may not seem like it now, but it is.

This year won’t be different than the last.

Let’s just be friends. Sorry.

 

______________________________________________________________________________
Shadows Inside Me

 

I have these shadows.

They live inside me.

The refuse to let light in.

They refuse to come out.

 

They’re draining.

They’re exhausting.

I can’t deal with them.

Not anymore.

 

There is these shadows.

They live inside me.

I’ve given an eviction notice.

They can’t stay here anymore.

 

I won’t let them ruin me.

Not again. They can’t.

I need them to go.

I need to be happy.

 

There were these shadows.

They used to live in me.

They’re gone now, thankfully.

I have restored the light.

 

They’re gone, finally.

It is good, I’m happy.

I won’t let them back in.

I’m ready to move on.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

Him

 

He still haunts my dreams.

The way he used to look at me.

With those brown puppy dog eyes.

And I would giggle and ask “What?”

Quietly while he began to smile,

Responded with “it’s nothing”.

I insist he tells me, finally he does.

“I love you”.

 

I crash, I can’t believe what I just heard.

Speechless, how do I respond.

I haven’t had this before. It’s scary.

That was the first flaw. I did love him.

But how did I say it, I couldn’t gather

The words. But they had to be there.

 

He was the one, always will be.

But there’s no point in “the one”

If you meet at the wrong time.

I wasn’t ready when he was.

He was the one that got away.

Every day I deal with it.

What if I accepted his love?

My heart will always belong to him.


______________________________________________________________________________

Clutter

Loud chatter throughout groups of friends filled the silence. Feet shuffled across the hard, muted tones of textile, terrazzo floor, the smell of coffee filling the air.

You try to squeeze through the clustered crowd of people. With my small slender body it was easy to weave through, but it was also easier for others to push you out of the way.

There I stood outside the front doors, with my long, messy, brown hair being blown by the wind into my face.

I start walking down the street, I pass a barber shop.

I enter thinking I need to clear my head from all the mess.

I sit in one of the chairs and ask them to cut it short.

As short as they can. When they are finished I can’t

Help but be amazing with the difference. Finally the clutter is gone and I can continue on my path.

______________________________________________________________________________

Change for the worse

I could feel myself sinking, sinking into a dark, empty hole. Of which some never return. I stopped talking to a lot of people, stopped hanging on weekends, sticking around after school. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed. Forget about the world, about everything.

 


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