The Responsibility of Change

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: August 17, 2018

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Submitted: August 17, 2018

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The Responsibility of Change

“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” -Carol Burnett

At 54, I am beginning to get tired of myself. I feel a strong to desire to change things up a bit. Maybe it’s the OCD compulsions or this recent break from work? Either way, the combination of self- help literature and a therapist is helping me differentiate what behaviors to keep and to let go of. Easier said than done. So here’s the list for now. It’s dynamic, like life is and subject to change.

One, cleaning the house; good and bad. I can spend hours cleaning and reorganizing all of the drawers in this small apartment; to avoid other less desirable activities which are usually social in nature. Instead, I am going to set a timer and complete the memorized tasks in that construct.

Two, writing in the morning. Good, good and good. I think it’s a healthy outlet for my thoughts and forces my brain to be creative. It activates my frontal lobes efficiently; a keeper.

Three, exercising. Good and bad. I tend to run or kick box for hours to reduce my anxiety; often to the point of exhaustion. Logically, one hour of working up a sweat is all that most typically healthy humans require; so I am going to reset the fit bit to reflect that.

Four, perseverating over old mistakes and decisions. “Tres difficile” as my adorable French niece would say. Analyzing one’s behaviors is important for growth- positive. Replaying negative words and criticisms from others meant to demean you; awful.

Five, forgiving myself and others who have deceived me. Hmm? I am not particularly religious but say a prayer each night meant to help me to forgive others who have “trespassed” against me; it has not worked to date. I still cannot comprehend people who purposefully harm others. I have come to understand that these behaviors often stem from a perceived feeling of insecurity; but the aftershocks remain. Knowing that fact does not diminish the misery felt.

Six, follow my instincts. In retrospect, I had moments that made me take pause about the choices I would later make. Having a better sense of self would have allowed me to follow my sixth sense without question or a need for explanation.

Seven, just breathe and enjoy the moment. The spontaneous times that  I spend with family or friends can be a gift without trying to achieve "perfection". I don't live in a Martha Stewart episode and my bowls don't match; but  I do know that life can be messy and wonderful all at once.


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