Addicted to Love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 1 (v.1) - Chapter 1

Submitted: August 22, 2018

Reads: 116

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Submitted: August 22, 2018

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Drugs and alchohol tore my life apart. I lost the person I loved, my home, and my friends and family. I decided to check myself into rehab, before my addictions took my life. It was a long month wait, walking on a tight rope, but I made it into a men's rehabilitation shelter. I started my four month rehab program 3 days after my 22nd birthday. Three and a half years later, I am proud to say I am still clean. I want my message to reach others, hopefully inspiring and changing their lives. The following are excerpts from various poems in my novel that I am currently writing. I tried my best at combining my different poems to capture the overall emotion of the first chapter. 

Chapter 1

 


 

If I have a thought

I can't contain it
Sun rays

That's bright thinking
Sharp thoughts

That's knife thinking
Iron tongue with iron lungs
Lines tied like a puppeteer
Smoke and sniff till the dust clears
Disappeared for days on end
No serotonin left to spend
Fueled by speed like NASCAR
Another white trash star
Empty bottles on the nightstand
She's in tight pants

Senses heightened
My minds next to me

This is extacy

I'm making noise complaints
In a room constrained
Holding a high horses reigns
I have two beasts

Which one do I feed
With Peace

Or deadly energy
I close my eyes to regenerate
Visions trying to set me straight


 


 

 

Hear my heartbeat
I should probably check into emergency
I think I got seven hours sleep all week
Seeing shadows

Hearing doors squeak
I'm sick and slick
when it comes to the drink
And wanting to take a dip
I learned to swim as a kid

I’m amply polished 
It started with sample bottles 
My friends wobbled and toppled over 
Yet, I was still stone cold sober

 

I was in the capital

Ottawa,

Barely functional
Like the first letter,

Punctual
Hungry

I couldn't afford a lunchable
My stomach isn't full
This crap is a bunch of bull
So high couldnt land a punch to pull
Pull some strings on a binge
Lost angel looking for some wings
Turn up until the lights dim
I need a surgeon

Out on this limb
Mouth full to the brim

Trying to swim

 

Spoken words, silent threats

Call it quits

I should retire, yes

You watched me self destruct

I didn't die out of luck

You'd disappear

I would follow

Head hollow

Hit a line

Hit the lotto

You'd put me down like a tea cup

I would steam up

Far gone like Venus

I promised I'd be different

Ran out of tape it wasn't sticking

I was sickened, not accepted

Like a visa and

She only took debit

I'm in trenches pledging against

Temptations I'm tryna be frank

Lone wolf stuck in sheepskin

A warrior weakened every weekend

True love has patience

You'd wait on me waiting for justification

I'm an impatient inpatient

You make no sense like an ATM

You let me slip into the pits

I'm in demon grips

I don't feel right for how I left

Like I failed death

You failed my test

Like a tape I've been ejected

Tearing up where I was nested

You gave no chase when I gave haste

I feel innate to your gaze like I'm tazed

I throw on shades though I'm in dark ruins

Frozen in animation slowed from car tunes

All these triggers like I'm in an infantry

I'm stressed

Effects of our dialects

I'm getting clean you inspired that

 

I used to open up like a convenience store

Means it's more like all week twenty four

Seven eleven couldn't clock hours spent

Cuddled up on a couch

Our tenderness

I can clean up for three months

You can leave again no prenups

Leave me in the dust

Tis the season

I envisioned a future revolving

Involving you and the small things

Hence my fright like prom night

Clouds clear after all night

So bright

I look around

You’re nowhere in sight

 

Still no response
She waited a few days to tell me her wrongs
I apologized with salty eyes
Like it's my fault

I lost all my pride
Forgive and forget

She lost and forgot

It makes me distraught
It was destined fate

For her to set me straight
Restless daze

I can't concentrate
Checked into rehab

I thought you'd be glad
You said "it's a fad, you won't last"

Shot me and shut me down

May as well stabbed

 

Background noise

Tattoo gun
I would tattoo my tongue
To forget what you've done
Back then

Choice was us for the long run
Kept me on a line over sharks
I have to restart before I'm torn apart

Boxes packed I depart
Trust comes from within
I pitched in my innards
I refer to you

As you feed me to gizzards
Anger stirs

Waves boil down and betray
You say what you say still I forgave
Store it in a briefcase for later days
Winds beckon

Fight them like Tekken

As you take your vengeance
Remembrance of our embrace is a weapon
Tornadoes rip my head up through recollection
Swallow my pride pain, two pills
Love is a bullet for women who kill
Vampire in a mirror

Couldn't see your reflection
Bad reception

You left me over the phone

Bad connections
Trying to alter reality
Saw us at an alter with a family
Regrets put a hand on my shoulder
I break free like you broke the mold girl
Alone I battle urges to avoid responsibility
You can shoot through me but you're not killing me

I predict if I hung off a cliff
You'd watch me slip
Grin a bit and move forward

Give my fingers a kick
I cringe

Stuck in a corner
I let it effect me like a vasectomy
How can one do this so effortlessly
She's destructing herself

I didn't  help
Her birthday wish was frigid
If she sent it I didn't get it
Probably wished for my beheading
Or for me to drown as I'm treading
Blood is thicker than water give me your sickness
I'll have no trouble cutting the thickness
She's a people pleaser

How could I believe her
Thinking so hard about it

I might catch a seizure
I was lost like my plane crashed
You got lost looking for me

What explains that?
I'm thinking I deserve more
While you want to have a turf war
You're diving into the depths
With all due respect

You'll break your neck
I'm stuck contemplating us
A letters missing from our equation
Praying for our relationship
Frustrated with ashes and dust
I'm a phoenix

You’re a vixen
Awe stricken

Our lives are switching

 

You ever pour your heart out
Just to clear your head of that large cloud
Discard emotions you've harnessed
Overlooked in the darkness
Mistook my kindness

You're heartless

You’re wearing a mask that doesn't fit
Fighting the past since we split
All your actions attacking me
Killing yourself to get back at me
You didn't have to lose me
Confuse me keep me

Stuck to the loose leaf
All new to me

This new grief

I'm drenched in resentment

Forgive, but never forgetting

I was lusting you
While you'd lie for him
I'd be trusting you
When you'd sleep with him
I would dream of you
You'd ignore me quietly
I would scream for you
You played me like a fiddle
I quit the game for you
I was down and out
You were up with him
I don't know where you've gone
But I remember where I've been
You would laugh with him
I'd be crying within

 

Learning to live on the brink of death
Had to eliminate that threat
Playing russian roulette with a turret
Im lucky to enough take another breath

I changed as my veins dried
Blood stopped pumping barely alive
Lost the house, wife, baby and dog
My life's looking like a crazy country song
I had a greed a need for speed
Nose bleeds and cold feet

I’d spoil me
Had to quit cold turkey

I was homeless
Hopeless without a notice

Nothing to cope with

Feeling like a prince
I used to be a king

Before I lost my kingdom
Reality hits

I’m an addict

According to my symptoms
I couch surfed

Catching sprays

Catchin waves
Counting down the days

Until something changes

Is this just a phase
 

Greetings to you

I hope you're doing great
It's been forever since

I heard you ventilate
You say it's been a minute

I lost count
It feels like an hour

Since I lost out
I hung up once we were done
Than got hung up on what was once us
My calendar marks my endeavours
X marks the spot like a treasure
It was an accomplishment and blessing
Just to go a day without your presence
I'm aware you didn't want any contact
You said it

I didn't want that
Deleted your number after you responded

Fought my demons like you begged
Finally made my own bed
Instead of waiting

You left
I blame maturity

Not you or me
You couldn't hurry me

I couldn’t hear you
I just wouldn’t listen
Maybe thats why your phone keeps ringing

Yes I hear you loud and clear
Yes you're the reason that i disappeared
This year I finally faced all my fears
As I spill

So do the tears
I haven't cried since the last time

I heard your voice
Honestly I wouldn't have answered

If I had the choice
I changed my number and relocated
I thought you were another woman

I debated when the phone rang and
That's why I havent been around
Changed my number packed up and left town
It's been a minute as you say
Felt like an hour
You were always late

I was broken and bruised

So gone off the juice
You kicked me out

I found my place
Our life is gone without a trace
I'm doing great

Good things come to those who wait
A whole year and things are falling into place
I'm going to college

Remember when I dropped out?
I'm going onwards since you copped out

 

As I remind myself
What I deny myself
Trying to find myself
All the pain I have felt
After all these l's
I almost hate myself

I still think of you
Liquor abuse and misuse
Light up the fuse
Stuck on the edge
Still I refuse
I will not lose

I ran amuck on the loose

Now I'm in church

Stuck in the pews
Beat myself up till I’m bruised
I choose to change
With nothing to prove
God I'm trusting in you

Look in the mirror at myself
Lookin real  clear at myself
I cried no tears for myself
Running from I
No cries for help
I was fearing myself

I miss the buzz
I miss the clubs
I was a scrub
What I don’t miss
Is what I once was

 

 

Here's a letter to show you how much I appreciate;
The way I'd waste days laying on your waist,
Comfort that no other company could illustrate
Being able to awake in the morning to your sun rise beauty face
For teaching me the blatant difference between love and hate
Your surreal ability to help me heal
Shelter me feed me a friendly meal
For breaking down the walls abroad and teaching me to feel
You put up with my harassment and retractions
Deep inside I was lashing out from lack of compassion
Verbal attacks against myself kept me spazzing
You watched me black out day in
And day out you brought light to my fade ins
Tunnel vision took away from our cadence
When you should have left, thank you for staying
You gave in and rarely gave up
You'd keep me straight when I'd go astray love
Others walked away when my eyes dilated
You provided a roof when I was aloof
Thank you, you Saved me from the noose
You had so many astute options to choose
You chose me I took your hand
Took you for granted, love bandit
You saved me when I should have been stranded
Like no other dame would

You remained faithful
Even though our relationship strained like a leg pull
I learned to trust and I'm forever grateful
Thank you for being amazing and graceful
Roses are red violets are blue
I can't find enough rhymes to express my thank yous

 

 

 

 


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