not a student = not a son

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: August 24, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 24, 2018




Son - Why do you not care about what I do with my life?

Mother - Because you’re not a student

I would like to talk about a conversation that happened between an 18 year old and his mother. We’ll refer to the mother as Anne (not her real name)

Anne is a parent who sees everything in one dimension. Someone who's too ignorant to look anything from her son’s perspective. Why? because that child had failed his A levels a year ago.

Why did he fail A levels? Because he was a complete douche who, although cared about his parents wasting a lot of money for him, didn't really put the effort to his studies.

Why didn't he put enough effort into his studies? 2 reasons.

1) He was a selfish cunt, who only cared about his comfort and never bothered enough to step out of his comfort zone to try and focus on hs studies.

2) He was addicted to an online game, where he kept telling himself he was a successful player, when he was actually a pretty shitty player, even though he played the game for 4 years and was nowhere close to reaching the skill of professional players, and practically wasted his A levels gaming like a piece of shit.

Now, why would he be so obsessed with telling himself he was a great player? Because, he never achieved anything in real life. While everyone around him achieved something to be proud of. If it wasn't studies, it was sports. If it wasn't sports, it was musical instruments. They all had something that, if they were to be put on a platform, they could pull it off. While he had nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing.

Now, why did he have nothing? Because he never really gave a fuck about anything, and even the things he cared about, he was too scared to go for them, and would give up right after spending a few days trying it out. He was basically pure trash. The only thing he ever found motivating enough for him, to not be scared of not working out, was an online role playing game where you play matches against other players.

Why was he motivated to a fucking online game rather than something more valuable at this time? Since he was the type that was too scared to go for anything, he felt time would just be wasted trying to go for it. However, it was pretty much the same concept, but he realized he wouldn’t mind spending years trying to be good at this game. He knew this was another pathetic waste. But he enjoyed playing the game. So he thought, "who cares? ill just enjoy the fun of playing the game rather than trying to be good at it." And so he spent years playing the game for fun. But at one point, he was having difficulty winning the matches, as he didn't know the reason for those. He was friends with someone who was really good at the game. That friend explained to him everything that is required to be able to win the games that are this hard. He gave simple examples that revolved around strategies, changing his thought process. Developing mental maturity. Slowly, before he realized it, he was starting to take this game seriously to a whole new level. Not just because the game was obviously so fucking fun to play, but because this was his own way of learning about himself. His idea about himself was only based off of his mom’s perspective of him. It helped him learn how he grew, what was required for him to improve as a player, which also added qualities to him as a person. It was basically his own way of evolving himself into a better person. The only thing he wished for, apart from being really good at the game, was that Anne, his mother, noticed how much he had grown from playing this game. It wasn’t the usual method for people to improve, but he preferred it this way, because he could be alone and be open to his mistakes to himself.

Why did he want his mom to notice him? Because he knew very well that his mom disliked him as a person. He was a failure at everything, never lived up to her expectations, and was an embarrassment of a son to have around. And since hes been doing that for the past 15 years, why the fuck would his mom even bother trying to see him improve anymore? She knew this child was a failure. However, he really wanted his mom to notice how much he had improved as a person, so he kept playing everyday to a win-win situation. If he lost games, he’d take it as a learning lesson, download replays of his performance, and analyse not only his mistakes, but what also his thought process was for making those mistakes. He eventually started adding that thought process to his real life. All this work was done to hopefully be really good at the game, while also hoping to have her mom notice his improvement for once since failing his A levels. Did he finally get his lovely mother to notice his improvements? 2 years after improving himself, he got in a small discussion with his mom about him making noise at night when playing the online with his friends. But his mom started abusing her power as a parent, starting to shout at him. Almost as if she was hoping for an argument to start. She kept ranting about everything shes done for me over 20 minutes, while he was spamming the same sentence  over and over again. "Listen to me mom". After those 20 minutes, she finally chose to hear him out, although her ego and ignorance made it look like she wasn't even bothered to listen to him. Anyways, he spoke, and asked why she had turned a small issue of him making noise at night into an issue of me being a failure and achieving nothing, and to no surprise, she just started ranting the usual. If this was him 2 years ago, he would have just started screaming at her as well, and it would have turned to a prideful argument, neither would stop until they were proven right, which led to the other person feeling disappointed or angry, thus making the relationship worse. Back then, he never knew about these things, so he was desperate to win the argument. But today, he knew that him doing what he used to do would lead to nothing except a more fucked up relationship with his mom, so he held himself. He almost wanted to shove a knife through arm, just so that she would fucking look and listen to him for once, but he kept holding myself, hoping to get one fucking answer for once. And that’s when he happened to finally get more than what he wanted. 2 Answers: 1: was that she said I haven't changed at all in the past 2 years. I’m the same piece of shit I used to be, and got compared to everyone around me. 2: If im not a student, Im not her son. When I heard the 2nd answer, I practically imagined my heart being pierced by a really sharp sphere, to which I just laughed for a second, and left the room. Not even looking once at her. I went to my room, and cried like a fucking cow for the next 10 minutes. I also started writing this as I was weeping, I felt that this story would be more precise if I wrote about it on the spot. I’m pretty fast at typing, so practically felt as if I was pouring out my emotions on the keyboard. Basically, if I wasn't a student, I didn't matter to my mom. If i wasn’t studying at a school or a university, I didn't matter to my mom. Even though i was a few days away from finally attending a university as a student, after these 2 years, it didn't matter to my mom.

Why would it matter so much to my mom that I wasnt a student?

Because she always wanted the best for me. And according to how she spent her painful life, if you didn't study properly, you will never be successful. But it also implies that the life of the child doesn't matter. You could be as successful as u want, you could win as many tournaments as u want, you still wont matter, as long as you're not a Student. My biggest mistake was trying so desperately hard to have her notice me, without even realizing the fact that she never gave a fuck about me to even bother to notice me. (Almost sounds like I’m crying about a crush). I am grateful for everything she has done for me, she worked extremely hard for me, and i hope she continues to work hard for me, as i rely on her and my dad. However, I have to stop trying to force myself to socialize with my family. All the books i read so far always talked about how important family is and how I’m wasting the precious moments of my life by not trying to socialize with them. At the past I've ignored this, thinking they were too ignorant to argue with me. (right now i feel like asking my brother just to confirm this, because that’s how desperate i still am to fix my relationship with Anne, as her son), but to develop from this, I have to be okay with her bitching about me. Hell, shes already bitching about it to my dad, and I’m probably gonna get another lecture that makes me feel like tearing my ears out. Abusing her power as a parent, practically making me a slave to her, I basically have no right to be able to talk back to Anne.

In a way, It did get solved. Just not in the way i wanted it to get solved. I always thought this would end with me and my mom happily spending time as family. But oh well, not everyone in the fucking world has to have a proper relationship with their parents. A few days ago, while i was pretending to celebrate me winning a tournament with my friends (yes, we're retarded, and I like it that way) I said "first of all, i would like to thank my parents for this amazing opportunity", to which we started laughing because it’s such a generic phrase, with no intention of offending any parent, but then my friends mom said, "Yes, you should be grateful, because you're the lucky part of the family who still has parents, while there are a lot of children in the world without parents." Even though i just casually nodded off to that, because my comment wasn't even serious, it still did affect me. It made me think... why would i even crack a joke about thanking my parents in the first place? Well, I now realize it was just because i was already in a bad relationship with my parents, I was too egoistic to make it look like i wasn’t worried about it, when i was as desperate as u can get. Whenever i would be walking home at 12 AM, the only thing I would be worried about how pissed my mom would be. I know she won’t whine about it to me, but since shes a princess she’s obviously not okay with me doing this. But I couldn't do anything about it anyways, I was at a cafe, where games would usually start at 10:30 PM, and it would take at least 2 hours to play 2 games. And I obviously wasn't going to go home after just 1 fucking game. I mean, It took 30 minutes of walking to get to the place. We weren't rich, so I saved up money by walking to and back instead, it wouldn't feel worth it to just play 1 game. And, i mean, I’m fucking 18 years old, in one of the safest places ever. Chances of being robbed or raped by pedophiles or anything of the sort were almost impossible. One valuable lesson I learned is that not everyone has to have a happy relationship with their family members. If everyone could, then that would be fucking amazing. But some parents are just too focused on themselves and their hard work and like to relate it to how much their child is repaying them. It's not that they don’t love their children, they just expect their kid to pay them back by working hard on their education so that they eventually end up having a good life. If that doesn’t end up working out, they're going to be extremely ignorant to their kids. For every little time you end up doing something wrong, the casual “Look what you did with your life for the past 2 years you’re such a failure I’m disappointed to call you my son” speech is gonna start, and there’s nothing you can do but bitch about them on a text document like me.

I was a failure, and me being a failure made me lose my one chance of working it out with my mom. But i think it’s okay that I don’t have the perfect relationship with her. We can just pass by each other in our home, nod to each other. I mean, she still is my mother. I could even go out on a limb and say that it might actually be better this way. I spent a lot of years trying to develop as a person, and if Anne refuses to see that, then shes literally holding me back. I cant improve if I determine my improvements based on a scale of an ignorant person. To the scale of an ignorant person, even their own child remains 1 out of 10 for their entire life, unless they become a |student| and start scoring good marks. If I base my views to that of an ignorant person, then I too become an ignorant person. I too would agree that I haven't achieved anything in the past few years. But I’m different. I believe that me even thinking of trying to take a step forward includes change. I believe that not everything requires hand written approval, and if my birth mother and I cant think similarly, then there’s no point trying to force it. These are fundamental differences, and they do exist between parents and their children. I think of myself as a very fortunate child. Most kids are too oblivious to these thoughts at the age of 18, as they either have a good connection with their parents, or end up arguing about them full of pride, or are just unfortunate enough to lose their parents before they get old enough to talk to them. I’m lucky that my mom did love me at one point, and I’m attentive enough to find out the reasons for her to not even think of me as a son anymore. It really hurts right now, but I’m sure I'll be able to use this experience to move on with my life.

I could be wrong about everything that I’ve said so far, and it would be okay to be wrong about it. In the end, no one is right. They're just a little bit less wrong than they were yesterday. The world keeps changing, and people around you will come and go. Rather than complaining about something that you have no control over, you could spend more time trying to change yourself instead. You can spend more time trying to learn to adapt to the different situations in your daily life, just as I did with my parents. Just to clarify, in no way am I saying that my parents are assholes. It's completely the opposite. I am so fucking grateful to them because of the way they are. If they weren’t this way, then I would have never learned all this to a point where I would be courageous enough to say all this at the age of 18, let alone post it online. I will always love my mom, regardless of her thinking of me as her son or not, because she helped me grow into what I am now. If she wasn’t a bitch to me, I never would have gotten the motivation to step up and start my self improvement journey so early on into my life. If she had to, she would let herself be killed just to save me, that’s how much she loves me, and that alone is more than enough for me to love her back and accept her as my mother. She spent the past few decades of her life struggling just so that an ungrateful asshole like me, who curses his mother on a text document to feel good about himself, would have a future better than hers. I am not even close to being a good son, I’m a waste of sperm, but that wont change my parents decision. They will keep working hard for me, and hopefully, so will your parents for you. If you're around my age or younger, I suggest you start spending time with your family everyday, that way you will not only learn about their feelings towards you, but also about how you react to their feelings towards you, which will really help you grow as a person. After all, they’re the only people who will care about you more than you would for yourself.

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