The Story

Reads: 54  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


A story! About a girl: One of the youngest social workers: Founder of a non-profit organization: Business owner: International yoga instructor: An Engineer! Who was bullied and harassed as a
teenager! A story! About the tragedy, suffocation, breaking down ...building self, breathing free, smelling freedom, the pride!

Submitted: August 24, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 24, 2018

A A A

A A A


“What exactly inspired you to do Yoga?” “You are 21 and already a Yoga instructor? How?” “You have Bachelors in Yoga? Is that even a thing?” “For how long have you been practicing?” “Why Yoga?” “What exactly do you do?” “Is that your full-time job?”

Well well well! Thank you for all the questions and finally, I am here to talk about my Yoga journey. Yes, it started with a dream- a spark, an idea. But what triggered that idea? An angel on a white horse came in my dream and told me Yoga is your destiny, get up and practice? NO.

Here is the story:  The story that a lot have spoken about, the story that many wrote about in newspapers and magazines, the story that was interviewed on national FM (All India Radio). The story about a tragedy, suffocation, breaking down….building up, breathing free, smelling freedom, the pride! An incident that changed the course of my life completely.

I was 18 years old, an Electrical Engineering student excited to begin her 1st year of undergrad. We all at some point in our lives face a crisis that changes us totally for either best or worst. Six years ago, I went through such a harrowing time. A simple friendship turned into a war.  Mere jealousy took such a bad turn! Gossiping no more felt like a school thing. I was bullied and mentally harassed by a group of 14 girls for about a year. I never thought attention would cost this much. It felt like someone lifted me up until the height to make me drop real hard. I had hit the ground badly. It was one of the lowest points in my life where I slipped up, my relations went sour, classmates turned against me. Stress and anxiety started taking over as bullying continued. My physical health started collapsing along with my emotional and mental health. It was too much to take for an eighteen-year-old me.  I was breaking down.

I am 23 now, it’s been more than 5 years. Yet, I still remember those moments where my heart used to race fast, that fear of walking alone in the university, continuous mocking, those giggles behind my back, those pairs of eyes judging, those panic attacks and a strange emptiness in my stomach. I started losing focus. I have always been strong academically! Strong enough to hold topper position throughout my school life. I didn’t even know what was it like to come 2nd, not 1st !!!
I was completely unaware of how to deal with failures. In my 2nd semester of engineering, I flunked in mathematics. This was the time when I felt like I have hit the rock bottom. I was depressed with a continuous feeling of being a loser.  Those girls around me made sure that I felt my failure to each chamber in my heart and each cell of my brain. Those nasty comments would haunt me like a ghost. Everything seemed to be spiraling downwards. Every single minute of life started feeling like hell.

I was weak, both physically and emotionally. I had multiple health complications. I was underweight, with those ugly dark circles, hair shorter than shoulder length, dry and frizzy, with no glow on skin, with those lifeless eyes and no energy in the heart. I was lost. The biggest challenge was to put up a brave front at home because my parents were worried about me. Over a period of time, it got worse. I was attacked by harsh words and abused verbally. I was frustrated! At a time I just wanted to talk, I wasn’t seeking advice. But, I realized how well-wishers saying things like, ‘Don’t worry, it will all be alright,’ can be detrimental. I was sick of listening to that one statement. My self-confidence started shaking down, and I thought to myself, maybe they are right. Maybe there’s really something wrong with me and maybe I’m really not worth the happiness, love, and peace that so many people get to have in their lives. I hated my life and I hated myself. It was hard for me to accept but I had been struggling with a depression. If you honestly ask me, all I wanted (dreamed of, hoped for) was to go to sleep, and never wake up.

My mom could see through me, and I finally spoke about my situation to parents. They could understand how intense it was for an 18-year-old to go through every day. I am blessed to have wonderful parents. They stood by me, they never told me to attack back,  they just told me to stand up for myself. One of the things that my dad said: “falling down is not an issue, not willing to get up is definitely an issue.” And it hit me. My brother came to visit me as he got to know about my situation and he said, “Stop apologizing, start intimidating!” And finally, my mom (who is a Yoga practitioner for the past 10 years) advised me “Hey girl, all you need is Yoga!” They were my building blocks. Family love is eternal. Period.

img_6570.jpg?w=820

Writing this article was super challenging. Going back 6 years into my past and being vulnerable out loud in public is no joke. For various reasons, there’s a stigma attached to mental illness, which is why people choose not to talk about it. I guess I did the same too unless many of you encouraged me to speak/write about it. Thank you for making me realize how far I have come.

I receive a ton of messages saying, ” Your life is so perfect”.. “You are living my dream life”…”You look so happy, all the time positive-bright and shiny” …”You must be strong” ..”You are lucky”. .. All of you following me on Instagram and other social media, shooting me a DM of appreciation every now and then: thank you. I am grateful for it, yet I am here to tell you something. I am not here to intimidate anyone, I am here to help. I am here to let you know that if I can deal with such a situation, each one of you can. I am here to pass on that strength and those vibes. Also, even now I have my own struggles, I break down, wake up feeling anxious, I panic! Yes, I am just like you all. Along the way, I am just learning how to deal with it and put up a strong face.

If I have earned your trust by telling you about a part of my past that was really difficult at the time, then I have some real words of wisdom for you. I talk about trust because I really need you to trust me when I say that I know how it feels, I’ve been there, I haven’t experienced exactly what you have/are, but I bet the feelings you feel I’ve felt too. We all feel pain, we all suffer every now and then, we are all in this together.

In all those tough times, I was seeking something, maybe love from outside?
Understand,  depression can’t be cured with love, but it can be cured with self-love.
I never truly understood the concept of having a relationship with myself before, until someone told me you can. I didn’t know the importance of self-care, I had no idea how is it to have the conversation with the inner self, have those conversations.  And once you start loving yourself, your entire world will change and the world around you will follow your lead in how you treat yourself. But it has to start with you, start treating yourself the way you want others to treat you.

Ashwini-99

Just to brief, I started loving myself. Started taking care of myself: not only my body but my emotions and my thoughts as well. And I saw everything falling in place slowly. I got my health back and so my focus. After exactly a year later, I scored 100/100 in mathematics final exam and set a remark in my academic life. These small milestones acted like building blocks for my self-confidence. I focused on improving my skills and worked really hard.  My relations with people around started to bloom. And this mindset gave birth to many ideas. Right from being a business owner till a founder of the nonprofit organization, this journey has many stories.

img_6610.jpg?w=820

Light at the end of a long tunnel? Damn Yes!  Maybe my mom is an angel on the white horse.
And then what? Life took another turn. But are you thinking everything fell right in place instantly? It eventually did. But the journey was a long road, a hidden path, a realization!

The realization which opened up a path to several pillars of my life.I will continue in my next articles about the most important pillars of my life. Yoga being one of them. About the journey, the hustle and the growth.

Thank you for reading! I really hope you found this post helpful. If you like this post, please share it with your friends and family. I know I struggle to take time out to write a blog, once in 3-4 months, but feel free to follow me on Instagram (ashwini_suryavanshi) for small pieces of writings every now and then!


© Copyright 2018 Breath of a fresh air. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments: