The Business of Death

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


Welcome to the DEATH corporation. Department of End-of-life Administration and Travel to the Hereafter Established in: since-the-beginning-of-time Run by: death’s-little-helpers The world’s only
non-profit, non-government organization that will NEVER run out of business! Join one of death’s-little-helpers for a tour of the day-to-day routine at the Death corporation. (I promise. It’s to
die for!)

Submitted: August 26, 2018

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Submitted: August 26, 2018

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Business
of Death

a concept by Alex Sanders

 

Welcome to the DEATH corporation.

Department of End-of-life Administration and Travel to the Hereafter

Established in: since-the-beginning-of-time
Run by: death’s-little-helpers
The world’s only non-profit, non-government organization that will NEVER run out of business!
Here’s a quick summary of what happens there on a day-to-day basis:

  • Newly deceased enter the “NEW ARRIVALS” section through the double oak doors.
    (Yes. OAK doors. I know. Very disappointing.)
  • Next, they proceed to the administration building where their TRANSLIFE documents will be sorted out.
    (Your Translife document is LITERALLY the most important piece of paper you will ever own. Without it, you can’t proceed to the hereafter. Wherever that is for you.)
  • At our (not-so-helpful) help desk, you can air any queries you might have with this whole procedure.
    (E.g. do I enter the Hell or Heaven corridor? Which door do I take once there – Catholic or Buddhism? Where do I apply to reincarnate? Or one we often get: which closet takes me to Narnia?)
  • Once you are issued with your Translife document (think of it as a passport of sort) you need to receive two cardinal stamps – birth and death date.
    (You wouldn’t believe what a schlep this can be. Try tracing back to King Henry the IV’s exact birthday or figuring out when John Doe, found dead on the battlefield 1946, precisely took his last breath.)
    You might be thinking: just cheat with the dates!
    We’ve tried.
    It doesn’t work. If your Translife document isn’t a 100% accurate, the Hereafter doors don’t open for you. (Even when piggybacked by someone with valid documents – believe me, we’ve…tried…EVERYTHING.)
    Apparently the man upstairs had a seriously wicked sense of humour. You can run from taxes in life, but in death the admin will get to you…
    (Seriously though. There IS a single staircase leading up from the Death Corporation from whom no one has ever returned and now, no one ever dares approach anymore. All of death’s-little-helpers fondly refer to it as “the-man-upstairs” in general threats or jokes. E.g. I’ll send you to “the-man-upstairs” if you don’t quit stealing my pencil-sharpener!) But I’m getting side-tracked. Back to day-to-day business…
  • One section I unfortunately must mention too, though it always leaves me melancholy to think of it, is the LOST section. Here all the poor lost souls whose documents got inexplicably lost in our archives, wait – perpetually hoping that one day one of death’s-little-helpers will jump up - clutching a crumpled paper – and yell: I found it - it was UNDER my file all this time!
    You’ll be interested to know that amongst others, Marie Antoinette and Michael Jackson are currently in the LOST section. He probably wishes he could make a change on his document in black or white. I wanted to say hi one day, but he told me to beat it. Grumpy fellow. Even had to get security to remove him one time when he was riling up the other deceased – giving speeches on how they don’t really care about us and such.
  • The last section is “DEPARTURES”. (You guessed it. This is where you depart this in-between to wherever it is you’re heading. Upon reaching this labyrinth of corridors and doors, one of death’s-little-helpers will point you in the right (wrong?) direction. E.g. Take the next right to Hell and keep straight on till you reach the door labelled “Ballet recital” (usually a guy) or “Cricket match” (for females).
    I told you “the-man-upstairs” had a cruel sense of humour: congratulations! You made it into heaven. No go through hell trying to find the correct door to open amongst these hundreds of (you guessed it) generic oak doors…
  • And finally, assuming your Translife document is in order, the door will open for you and you can safely travel to the Hereafter. (Terms and conditions apply: DEATH corporation guarantees safe passage to indicated destination but extends no further protection once said destination is reached. I.e. You’re on your own pal.)
     

So that’s the DEATH Corporation in short. Hope I didn’t bore you to death! (Sorry, just a little death-humour sneaking through. After eternities of working here, it WILL become part of your vocabulary. You should hear what a funeral employee dinners sound like...)

I’ll greet you like we do our departed, “Hope the afterlife is everything as promised”
(we have to remain politically neutral, of course. Hell or Heaven)
 or as we say to our reincarnates “See you soon!”


© Copyright 2018 Alex Sanders. All rights reserved.

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