Maybe

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic


Follow this high school student through their day at school and learn about some of their personal struggles along the way.

Submitted: August 30, 2018

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Submitted: August 30, 2018

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Ugh. God, what time is it? grab my phone to check the time. 6:19? Maybe I can sleep a few more minutes. 

“Hey, get up! Your dad is taking you in today,” my mother states, barging into my room. Guess I won’t sleep a few more minutes. What a killjoy. 

I roll out of bed and walk straight to my dresser; ignoring the mirror on the way. Opening the drawers, I find a few different articles of clothing. I pick out a couple things and grab the rest at random. With great difficulty, I pull my clothes on before heading to the mirror, finally having the confidence to see myself. My hair is a mess, but I’m not gonna bother with it today. Besides, it looks better this way. 

It’s 6:42 when I finally leave my room for the kitchen. My mother is standing in the corner, talking on the phone. She’s trying to stay quiet, but I’m able to hear a bit of what she says. 

“I just don’t know what to do about this. Should I take them to a therapist? What would you do?... God, all I want is a normal child! Is that too much to ask?” she whispers into the phone. I wouldn’t be too worried about what she’s saying if I wasn’t her only child. I clear my throat and she jerks around while ending the call. “Good morning! How’d you sleep? 

I say nothing and just walk to the pantry. There seems to be only two packs of Pop Tarts left, I’ll have to put some more on the list. I grab a pack and a coffee from the fridge before heading to the living room to watch what’s left of the morning news. The first story they do as the TV turns on is about a Boy Scouts Arbor Day event two towns over. I can't help but feel sad when I see that. My parents would never let me do Boy Scouts, even though I begged them for YEARS to let me join, but they kept saying that it wasn’t for me. I gave up on asking and eventually dropped the subject, which seemed to make them happy. 

My dad enters the room while fixing his tie. “Alright. Uh, let’s get going. I guess.” It may seem awkward, but at least he’s actually acknowledging me for once. I grab my jacket and bag and head out to his car for the most uncomfortable 15 minutes of the day. 

• •  

We need a new plague. There are way too many people in this school and it’s extremely inconvenient for everyone involved. The halls are packed, the classes are crowded, and the lines for the bathrooms are just atrocious. Although, it's not like I'd use the bathrooms anyway. 

First class of the day, Geometry. I'd say that this is the most boring class I have, but that would mean that all of my other classes are even slightly interesting, thus making me a liar. I may not be the best student in the school, but I know for sure that my parents didn't raise a liar. Anyway, we seem to be learning about circumference today. You know, the measurement around a circle? Yeah. Been there, done thatand got a shirt to prove it. And yet I’m required to test over it? Yippee. 

• • • 

After one torturous class comes my free period. Thank God, I finally get some peace and quiet. It’s pretty empty in that room, so it’s the one time of day where I can be alone, and I cherish every moment of it. No one to stare at me. No one to laugh at me. No one to call me names or make fun of me. No one. And it’s glorious. The silence of the room gives me a chance to prepare myself for the rest of the day. To construct my wall, brick by brick, until nothing can affect me. To give myself the pep talk I need to remain confident and comfortable until I get home.  

You can do this. You’ve come this far in life, don’t stop now. Keep breaking your record of days lived. Show everyone your true potential. No one can stop you now. No one can tell you who you are but you. Don’t shut the day down so early. Everyday has the potential to be the greatest day of your life. Don’t stop now. You’re worth it. Go get em, man.” 

Life is only what I make of it and this is the only life I have, so I have to make it count. These little pep talks I give myself are essential for me to get through life. If I don’t remind myself of my worth and who I am, then I might end up just ending it all, but I know that life won't be like this forever. Once I graduate, I can move out and start fresh, just gotta get through this first.  

My free period ends all too quickly and I'm off to the worst class of the day, Speech. Remember when I said Geometry could be the most boring class I have? Well, this is the most anxiety-inducing class I have. Ugh, why is this even a thing? Can't I wait until college to take this instead of taking it in high school where everyone knows me? 

I get to the room and take a seat at the very back of the class. Usually, my teacher takes role and then ignores me the rest of the time. Hopefully, that's how today will play out. 

"Good morning, everyone! Today we're doing a little exercise in place of our lesson since we haven't actually done one in a while. You know the drill, 5 minutes on a subject of your choice without pausing or saying anything along the lines of, 'Um' or 'Like.' Otherwise, you fail the practice and you must return to your seat. And since we have a smaller class today, we should be able to get through everyone in one period. Now, who would like to go first?" 

Oh no. Oh God no. This can't be happening. I can't do this. Last time we did this, I had a panic attack and had to run out and hide in an empty classroom. I hate my voice. It doesn’t sound right, but she's going to make me speak! I have to find a way out of this!! 

"B-Bathroom?" I stutter out loud. 

Sigh. "Yes, but be quick." My teacher groans. 

I grab my bag and leave the room as fast as I can without running. I'm halfway to the restrooms before I stop and remember: I can't hide in the bathrooms! They're not safe!! Okay, think. Where else can I go? Maybe the nurse? Yeah, let's try that. 

Stick to the wall. The wall is good. Slouch a little, but not too much. Can’t have anyone knowing. Gotta hide it. God, I can’t breathe, but I can’t take this off. I can get through this; just avoid eye contact, that’s how you stay hidden. Head down, shoulders in, eyes just high enough to see where I’m going, and stick to the wall. Just stick to the wall. Almost there, almost there. 

“Honey, are you okay? Do you need help?” The nurse crouched down to look me in the eye, but I closed them before she could reach them. 

“Please d-d-don't ca-a-all me h-hon-ney-y.” God, I hate that stupid stutter. Freaking panic attacks always making me look stupid. 

“Oh, well come on in, then. Do you need to call a parent?” She starts questioning me as she guides me into her office. I just nod along to what she says and write my name and my mother's number at her request, seeing as I was too scared to speak to actually tell her the information. As I make my way to the cot to lay down, she stops me and asks, “Why don’t you take off your coat, swe-” 

“NO!” I scream at her. Crap. Didn’t mean to do that. Oh no, I shouldn't have yelledStupid anxiety, always making me look bad. Why do I have to be such a screw up? 

My outburst seems to have taken her off guard. I quietly apologize and say, “N-Nthank-k you, m-ma-a'am. I’m g-g-good-d.” She nodded, then quickly got to calling my mother. As she does, I shuffle slowly over to the cot and lay down on my side. Even though I know how dangerous this is, I doze off anyway and I don’t wake until mother arrives almost twenty minutes later. 

• • • 

When we reach the house, my mother leaves the car and walks into the house without so much as a glance my way. It’s very clear to me that I’ve annoyed her by needing to be picked up. She’s been like this for a while now, but I’ve just taken to ignoring her right back. I exit the car with my bag in hand and walk straight inside the house and into my room, shutting and locking the door behind me. 

I take off my jacket and drop it on the floor next to my bed. The mirror across from me is unsettling, but I can’t help but stare back at it as I shed my shirt and sit there in my binder. I know it hurts me, but I’m too scared to take it off. It’s probably the only thing that keeps me sane through all of this. Without it, I’m the girl everyone tells me to be. But with it, I'm the man I know I truly am. But, regardless of how I feel, I can’t sleep in it, it’s just not healthy. So, with great difficulty, I pull off my binder and stare at my reflection. 

It’s not me. That’s not my body. I’m a man. Not a woman. I always have been a man and always will be a man.  

But… 

My mother won’t call me by my name. My father barely speaks to me. Maybe I’m not Mason. Maybe I really am just Macie. 


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