Who I Am

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


No one knew until now.....

Submitted: August 31, 2018

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Submitted: August 31, 2018

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Who i am

August 22, 2001 is the day i was born.  Who knew that being a little kid was the best feeling ever and it honestly was, but as time goes by we all tend to grow up and learn the real meaning of life.  I never thought that i would be a young teen so fast and start to see the real world. People say they know me and know the type of person i am, but i am going to tell you my whole life story from the start.

 

When i was in elementary i always had these friends which some were girls and i never really thought about being in a relationship because i was so distracted on just enjoying my childhood.  Until this one year that i tried to ask a girl out for Valentines day because i started to have a crush on her and i didn't know how to tell her so i decided to ask her if she'd like to be my valentine.  I was scared and nervous to ask but i did and well i didn't expect her to say yes and i was excited to spend it with her. As it passed we started to hang out and i sometimes would write her little cute notes to put in her backpack and find it.  This is my first time i was in love and i just felt like nothing could go wrong or anything stop us from seeing each other, but I was wrong there was just one problem. For our first break i went to look for her where we always meet and well there she was with some other guy.  I was confused at first but i didn't think the worst till i went to talk to her, as i approached her she straight look at me and walked away with him. I felt my heart drop from my chest to the ground and i tried my best to not let it get to me but it took some time.

 

Two year passed and i realized that crushes...some will love you for who you are or some that actually crush your feeling.  So during my last year of elementary i had made new friends and well i started to like this one girl but i was scared to tell her how i feel.  I was even scared to the point where i cant even go up to her because i feel like i'm going to mix my words and not make sense. So i just kept it in, moved on, and finish my 6th year in elementary.  Middle school is where it all started...now a 7th grader and i seen all my friends had either a girlfriend or boyfriend. I wasn't the only one single but i didn't feel like it was the right time to be wondering around looking for a girl.  

 

Towards the middle of the school year i decided to give it a try and ask this girl that i had in my science class and well i thought maybe she's not like the other one that i dated.  So i finally went up to her and asked her if she would want to hang out and get to know each other, she was shock that i went up to her and smiled while she gave me her phone number. We talked for about 2 months and out of nowhere she asked me if i was going to ask her to be my girlfriend.  I was confused at first and i didn't think straight so i asked her to be mine, but as i sent the message i felt chill running throughout my whole body. She replied with many heart and kissing emojis i started to feel loved, we would talk about what thinks we would do or just talk no sense to each other.  After a month passed she told me that why don't we ever do more than just kissing… i didn't know what she meant until she told me what “More” was and i didn't want to because i never thought i would never get there with anyone. I thought to myself that this girl asking me to do more thing with her at this age and i barely even know how kiss a girl.  So i told her about how i felt about doing things like that at the moment because i never really had the intentions to do those type of things with anyone right now. She said that it was okay that we didn't have to do anything like that, but after that i've notice her a little different. Once a month passed she totally just ignored me like i wasn't even there and come to find out she started dating this guys because he was down to do “More” with her.  After that i realized that some girls are the same and some just only want to mess around. I just continued with my school and moved on to just finally get school over with.

 

My last year in middle school and just can't wait to leave this place of games.  This is where it all started...when this girl was in my class, but crazy thing was that she was my friend from elementary and i've been having this crush on her in 6th grade.  I never thought she would see me as more than a friend, but my thoughts were wrong. We dated once but it just felt so weird and awkward to us because we were friends. And so we just left it at that and moved on.  Then i met this girl in one of my last periods and i don't know how she did it but she just made me feel so loved again, it was wrong of me to adapt to the game and done the things i did to her. I just started to do what others did to me...played with my emotional feelings, made them think that i really wanted something.  Until i just told her the truth that i really didn't want anything serious, but it backfired because she told me that i was her first ever real boyfriend and kiss. After she told me that i hated myself and wanted to apologize but it was to late...i had done the damage to her already. I played the game for a couple of months because i thought all girls were the same and just didn't care, but never let the game play you. You will burn your bridges and start to act like it didn't hurt.  When the game played me…it changed me. Made me realise that i once was that person being played and it hurt like a bitch having your emotional feeling played with. I never thought about talking to any girls ever again because i feared that i was going to just be played with, but eventually some of us will learn a lesson in life sooner or later. Once i seen the real meaning of actually being in a real and serious relationship, i questioned myself why i did what i did and what was the point if i it.

 

I finally made it to high school, it was a totally different environment and way more people in just one big school.  My freshman year i pictured it to be such a rough year, but turned out to be the easiest and quickest year of all my school years. Then one day i was walking to class when i felt a tug in my chest and looked to down the hallway...I saw this girl walking towards me. We both walked into the same classroom, sat in the same table and just started to talk about what we did over summer. Got to know each other a little as we walked to our other classes but who knew that a month would just pass and we ended up on being together. It didn't last for a while because she told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship and i understood her so we broke up. Little did i know that a week later she started to date someone else and i just felt like i was just used for a couple on weeks. I started to isolate myself from everyone that i started to feel dead...like no one would see my pain and they would just walk by me without asking if i'm okay. So after a year and six months i just thought about focusing on only myself so i could just be done with all this stress i have from school.

 

My sophomore year i never really talked to anyone just stayed in the shadow hoping no one would ever find me. I picked myself up after all i went through in my past and i was doing so great in my second year of high school until i met the devil's daughter.  I had good grades, a great sense of humor, i was starting to feel like myself once again when i wasn't for a while. I didn't think that this one girl would make me feel like i'm not worth shit or even not met to be here on this earth. It was almost the end of my sophomore year and out of nowhere someone told me that this girl thought i was cute. I couldn't believe what i was being told because i honestly feared that i was just going to be hurt again. I confronted her to see if everything i heard  about was a total lie but she was just going on and on about how hot i was and she said that she liked me since the beginning of the year. I started to feel a spark in my heart but for some reason i felt that it was too good to be true, so i told her about how my life was in the past and how all these time girls just lied to me about not leaving. I told this girl about my biggest fear on how girls just tell me that “It's not you, it's me.” and she said that she would never say that or hurt me for no reason. Well like i said it was too good to be true over break she not only broke me but ripped me apart.

 

My mind went into this state that all i could ever think about was to just end my life. Like i had no purpose living...like i was a mistake to be born, no one was ever going to love such a broken messed up boy. I went into deep depression that i almost took my life but something in this shatter heart held me back from doing that...i wondered what was the cause of this feeling that i was getting in my chest. So i picked myself up, started to just be someone who i wasn't and just became so dead inside...like all i felt was just pain running through my veins. I knew my time was not up so i just sucked up the pain and put a fake smile on my face. Until that feeling i got came back and changed me. I started to become who i am and like honestly these girl made me learn some things in life and they see me as just those other guys but what they don't know is that after all that has happened to me in the past no matter what i will never be like them….i may have become cold hearted but not heartless and that's what they don't see. I tend to just hide and hold them in why....because i feel like no matter how hard i try too i just end up getting beat up and left.

 


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