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Unfiltered Man...episode one

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic


“What you think and what you say are filtered by societal norms, but what if there was no verbal filter to the thoughts that you were thinking, only pure transparency for better or
worst”…..Anonymous

Submitted: September 03, 2018

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Submitted: September 03, 2018

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The Adventures of Unfiltered Man

By

Bill Bungeroth

 

 “What you think and what you say are filtered by societal norms, but what if there was no verbal filter to the thoughts that you were thinking, only pure transparency for better or worst”…..Anonymous

 

 

 

Episode One…The Java Jumper

 

The woman cut in front of the line either by mistake or on purpose. It was hard to discern as she carefully maneuvered her way ahead of the lined up morning coffee crowd. “Most People” in a similar circumstance would ask themselves if they were going to let it pass or politely inform the interloper that they jumped the line…”Most People.”

 

Not ‘Unfiltered Man,’ a nom de guerre given to him by his friends, who by any standard wasn’t “Most People.” Watching the queue jumper order, he waited until she was just about to complete the transaction before he said, “Oh I see your cup of java is more important than mine. You must be totally self absorbed and in an incredible hurry to think that I don’t exist…obviously, you didn’t see me standing here. Coffee jaywalking should be a felony by all accounts, and if not stopped in its tracks, it will certainly lead to anarchy here and in every coffee shop across this beautiful country of ours.” Then raising his voice to command the full attention of the room, he addressed the violator, barista and the entire line that was waiting behind him. “We patiently stand in line and wait our turn, not because we desire to burn precious minutes in our day that we can never get back, no we stand in line in a way that shows our capacity to tolerate delay because the alternative is absolute chaos.” He said exactly what the crowd was thinking.

 

The Barista recognizing that this was going to be a major problem as everyone in the store started to pull out their cell phones and record the incident, said in her best hostage negotiation voice, “Sir, I’ll take your order before hers.”

 

Smiling at the Barista, a smile that showed a tinge of irrationality behind it, Unfiltered Man responded. “Good, and everyone else’s order that is standing behind me.” Looking at the exposed Java Jumper, he continued to speak in his nasal accent, “You know I’m developing a Java Jumper App. That’s right, its an app similar to the FBI’s Most Wanted App that can be shared with coffee houses and aficionados all around the world, so that when a proven Java Jumper walks into a coffee refuge like this, it automatically kicks off a “Coffee Amber Alert,” so those in line know that there is a Jumper in their midst. Pulling out his phone he first took a snap shot of the woman before taking a selfie with the Java Jumper and Barista in the background. He showed the photos to those standing in line with him and said, “ There are many slights in life we have to endure, but the worst, and I mean the absolute worse, is a Java Jumper, who values their coffee above everyone else’s.”

 

Refusing to give up her position at the head of the line the Java Jumper turned and asked the Barista, “Is my iced, half caff, ristretto, venti, 4-pump, sugar free, cinnamon, dolce soy skinny latte ready.”

 

But before the Barista could respond, Unfiltered Man answered the question, “Until this moment Madam, I never really gauged your cruelty or recklessness. Can’t you see what you have done to this Barista’s psyche, forcing her to make a choice between expediency and honor. Have you no sense of decency?”

 

 “You sir, are rude,” replied the female Java Jumper as her eyes locked onto her verbal adversary. Then in an attempt to appeal to the store staff and curry favor with the in-line patrons, she began making her case for why she went to the head of the queue. “The only reason I jumped the line was its a hot, sweltering, day outside. Everyone can agree to that. And truth be told I left my dog in the car, with the windows rolled up.”

 

Unfiltered Man couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “So not only are you a Java Jumper but a confessed animal abuser. This establishment, I assure you would have let your canine friend wait inside in weather like this. But my guess is your dog opted out of cooling itself off in this air conditioned facility and instead chose sitting in a sweltering car because he has seen your java jumping act way to many times and was concerned that his association with you would diminish his breed. Your dog has class, where you Madam don’t have any!”

 

And with that last statement, the Java Jumper ran out of the store, empty handed, to the cheering chants of “Rescue the dog” from those who understood coffee line etiquette. 

 

 

 

 

 


© Copyright 2018 Bill Bungeroth. All rights reserved.

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