Starting Again

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: September 04, 2018

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Submitted: September 04, 2018

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Starting again

 

No longer a precipice but a road. No longer a leap but a walk.

One foot in front of the other, slow but steady; even. Less poetic, less dramatic, but within I am creating a home.

 

Where do you go when you are not at home within yourself? Exactly nowhere. It traps you inside yourself, and you become your own prison. You become your own guard, your own judge and your own prisoner, vulnerable and desperate. You fight both to get out and to hold yourself in; confused by the confines that can mean safety and entrapment simultaneously. So you rage against the bars and scream desperately until you are nothing but exhaustion. How to explain that very real exhaustion when all the fighting happens in your head.

 

Your bars cannot be broken even by your most fierce rage, and there is no key that can release you. You must look around you, and further within you. Ask yourself how and why you have allowed this to happen, how you have become your own enemy, and you accept yourself with love. And then you practice everyday. Every single day you quietly resolve yourself to freedom and you slowly watch the bars dissolve into nothing, and all you can see ahead of you is widen open space.

 

Open space and your possibilities, uninhibited by your distorted self. Space to breath and space to be. Wide open sky and more air than you could ever breath. God it feels so good.

 

You know your journey will never be over, and that every step you take is important, and yet this thought is not nearly as exhausting as being stuck in the place you were before. If you can create your own bars you can create your own escape. But on days where the more you look inside yourself the more you see an emptiness, nothing feels possible. Incapability and claustrophobia suffocate you and make you feel so hopeless and alone. But do not believe the lies you allow yourself to hear.

 

Do not feed what is within you that holds you back. Learn all about yourself, like you are a mystery that must be solved. Because you are and your life depends on it. Learn you own patterns and pitfalls, understand your own pain and your own hope. When inside you is a dark room, clear it out. De-clutter and throw open all the windows, let the light seep in. A little everyday, steady and even. Create a home inside yourself, and fill it with love for you. So much love and lightness that your home is full. And when a darkness comes knocking, it may upset some furniture, but it cannot call this place home. It will not move in, it will move on. Create a home inside yourself and build it to be strong. Though your next step may be uncertain, worry does not need to fill your mind. Allow yourself to be.

 

Create a home inside yourself and have a garden that grows and grows. You will no longer need to travel the ends of the earth to try and find peace or escape. To try and to fill the void within you. Because within you is no void, you are home.


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