i want to live

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: September 06, 2018

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Submitted: September 06, 2018

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i read about death so much,

it’s starting to feel less like a tragedy and more like a statistic.

my death is something that i think about daily,

and there are so many moments where it hits me like a five fingered slap to the cheek.

 

why?

 

because i wanted to be dead;

i craved it.

i wanted to build a bridge with my demons,

between me and everyone else and then jump.

dive head first into an oblivion that everyone fights over

but no one has a solid answer for.

 

i wanted

to die.

 

why didn’t i?

 

the answer here could be either simple or complicated,

i prefer the latter.

there was no fix for the urge of contemplating the contour of a nearby cliff.

there is no cure for seeing a bottle of pills and wondering what it would be like

to swallow each and every one.

 

there is only you and the one thing that you can never escape,

yourself.

your mind, the ultimate divine.

it’s like bukowski said, “find what you love and let it kill you.”

 

i found my mind, and it’s forever out to get me.

 

i still find myself driving home in the dark just waiting for the opportunity,

to pull the steering wheel and bend myself around a light fixture.

 

yet, i still don’t do it.

 

i don’t know why,  

and that’s where it gets complicated.

what keeps me alive is constantly changing and ultimately the same.

me.

 

everyday i wake up and i’ve got somewhere to go, someone to meet, somewhere to be,

But in the end, i’m just me.

 

and i, even though consumed, corroded, and continually conflicted by myself,

 

i am pretty sure,

i want to

live.



-rk


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