Never welcome

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic


"Other people always rejected me. Told me, 'you don't belong here' and 'go away'. Do you know what that does to a child? To a 5 year old? Something that you couldn't understand."

Submitted: September 09, 2018

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Submitted: September 09, 2018

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I have never felt welcome. I never quite, fit in. The other people always rejected me. Told me, 'you don't belong here' and 'go away'. Do you know what that does to a child? To a 5 year old? Something that you couldn't understand.

 

I remember running home from school when I was 10, crying to my mother 'oh mom, why am I so different?'. Who defines who is different? No one is the same so normal doesn't exist. Does perfectionism even exist if we all are different from each other? It doesn't. Do you wanna hear why? 

 

I spent hours studying for my exams, frustrated my brain on the homework. I didn't sleep but I worked my ass off to get the best report card in school I possibly could. I get it, and I am so god damn proud. I go show it off to my family and get told 'you should be more like your brother'.

 

I felt never good enough. Nothing I did was enough. Only thing I was enough for was people to play with my feelings. My so called friends kicked me out of their gang just for fun, just so they could ask me to join in again so they could kick me out again. And they cycle continued, until they didn't ask me back. Until they didn't speak to me when I spoke to them. Until I was air to them. Until I was all alone, being told to kill myself.

 

People I didn't even know believed the rumors that were spread about me and they hated me for the lies they were told. They didn't even give me a chance. 

 

Now I have lot of troubles. With myself, with others. I find it hard to care of my friends, or people around me. I find it easy to lie about myself, to make myself look more interesting in the fear of being abandoned again. I feel the urge to hurt people. Doesn't quite matter who. Just, someone to hurt.

 

I am supposed to feel sorry. For not caring, for being a liar, for wanting to hurt. Why should I say apologise for the asshole I've become?

 

No one ever apologised for making me this way.


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