I wish I hated you

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is a letter I wrote to someone I let in after years of blocking everyone out, I haven't included any names because I don't want to hurt people. I don't know if I will send the letter, but we
will see.

Submitted: September 09, 2018

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Submitted: September 09, 2018



Firstly I want to tell you that you mean the world to me, I don’t care if you never thought of me as more than a friend, and I want to say thankyou for giving me a chance. I have never met someone who has considered my feelings and has been so kind and caring towards me. I am sorry for being so introverted and closed when it comes to talking about myself, I guess I’m just worried about when you leave, and everyone always leaves, I feel as if when you know too much, you take a part of me with you. I don’t hate you, I could never hate you, I hate the fact that I am never good enough for anyone. I hate the fact that I fall too easily, and too hard, and it takes me so long to get back onto my feet. Most of all I hate the fact that I can’t ever hate you. You could set fire to my house and I would still forgive you. I always forgive too easily. I wish I hated you.

Before I had you I was broken, you glued the pieces back together but when you put me down, the glue wasn’t dry. And I shattered all over again. I still don’t know why I take so long to trust, and why it is so hard for me to let go and say goodbye, maybe its because I’m just sick of losing people. Every time I get close to someone they leave, and then it just hurts ten times more. I wish I hated you.

I made myself a promise, that I would never get too close to people, to minimize the pain when they leave. I broke that promise when I met you, and in doing so, I broke myself. You were the one thing that seemed to be going right in my life and I was just starting to believe that maybe it was real, just starting to relax. Then the whole world blew up around me and I was swallowed back into that dark, lonely place I call my mind. This time I’m not sure I will get out again. I wish I hated you.

I know you were drunk, but when you were flirting with me at the party, a tiny part of me started hoping all over again, that I still had a chance. I knew it was crazy, I knew you were drunk and it didn’t mean anything, and I knew that we could never be like that again, but that tiny bit of hope hurts so, so much. I wish I hated you. But I can’t.

Letting go hurts, but sometimes, holding on hurts more.

© Copyright 2018 Alicia Hancock. All rights reserved.

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