My Life

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I wrote this essay for my English class.

Submitted: September 13, 2018

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Submitted: September 13, 2018

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So, I guess to some people my life looks easy. You know I get to stay home all day if I want. I look happy. People think I have a good sense of humor. I guess you could say that my life is good, I have a family that loves me, I have some friends. But, maybe everything isn’t as it seems.
So, let's start off by me telling you about my day: I get up, I get dressed for school, I pack my stuff up for school, then after school, I go home, then hang out in my room, then I go to bed. I know what you are thinking, it sounds like a pretty normal day. But, it's not exactly normal. See the whole day, I just think, and think, and think. I bet now your wondering what I am thinking about. So, let me explain something to you. I have major anxiety, and severe major depression, and social anxiety. 
Now, I will tell you what I think about during the day. I worry, like a lot. See, in my mind while it seems that I am happy. I am really coming up with different situations in my head, and then I get scared. I get terrified, I get terrified of what is going to happen, if and when that situation does happen. Now, I want you to know, none of the situations I think are good. 
So, I guess now I have to explain my depression to you. I know when most people think of being depressed as sad. It is not just that. Depression goes further than being sad. I am going to try to explain it, but first I want you to know that if you suffer from depression, I understand what you are going through. I have been there, and I survived it. I know you could get so depressed by what is going on, that sometimes you wish you were not alive. Or that you wish that you could just breathe and that you would do anything just to breathe again.
When I was depressed like that, I would walk in town. Well, one time I was walking and I kept thinking that I wanted just to sit in the middle of the road. I know what you are probably thinking that I didn't know that I could get hit by a car. I did know, but I didn't care. See people with depression as bad as me, you could do anything to them, and they would not care. I am not saying we don’t have any feelings, I am just saying to us we have been hurt so much, that what you do to us doesn’t even matter anymore.
 what I am talking about is something you can’t run away from. I am talking about your thoughts, your mind.
No matter, how much you try to stop the thoughts from coming you can’t. Now it isn’t just because you don’t want to think. It is what comes out of thinking if you have depression. What comes out of thinking is: Bad or sad memories, wondering if anyone cares, thinking you are bad for everyone, thinking you ruined everyone’s life, thinking everyone would be better if you were gone, sometimes you even think and or try to distance yourself from people because your mind has you believing that you are bad for everyone. See, if your mind tells you something so many times, or gives you evidence that what it is saying is true. Then, you will start to believe it. There is no way to stop it though. 
But, I don’t only have those things. I also have low self-esteem. For people who don’t know what low self-esteem is, low self-esteem is when you, think poorly of yourself. No matter how much good people say you are you still don’t believe them. Everyone sometimes suffers from it.
See, everyone feels someway. They could be good at hiding it. Or, they might show it, or if they do show it, they show it a different way. Some people want to tell you about it. Other people think that they can handle it on your own. But, no matter how strong or how big you are. You can not handle this by yourself. You need to get help, and I am not talking about when you have self-esteem. I am talking about when you get depressed, or you get so scared you are afraid to come out of your room. Also, don’t feel bad when you ask for help. Everyone needs help sometimes. It is ok, to ask for help. No one is going to think you are weak, and no one is going to judge you. No one is going to laugh at you. Asking for help means that you are stronger than them because you asked for help. You realized you needed help and you got it. 
I guess now I should tell you my story. ok, it started in 4th grade, I don't know what started it, but I became stressed, and sad, and scared. In 5th grade is when it started showing, I would take a pencil during class and would scrape it across my arm. To where my arm would be completely red and it would sting. In 6th grade, I attempted to cut myself with scissors, because I felt like no one loved me. In, 7th and 8th grade I felt so alone and like no one loved me or even knew I was there. Last year, I was doing good, I was still scared, but I was kinda happy. Until my friend stopped talking to me. She started talking to everyone else but me. But then, I met my best friend, and me and her became best friends, then out of Now where I hear that My ex wanted to ask me out. So, I said yes, then I lost someone as my friend, and my ex ruined my life. He was the main reason why all my thoughts came back. After me and him broke up. A few weeks before school ended I cut myself. then in July, I tried to drown myself in a lake because I thought that I bothered everyone and no one would miss me and that everyone would be better off without me. I went to the hospital. I got better, then fair came, I was doing so good. I wasn't sad at all, well maybe here and there but it was normal. I saw My ex at the fair, he talked to me. My ex told me he cared and was worried about me. Then, I started getting sad again, I started talking to myself. I wanted to die, I wanted to cut myself again so I went to the hospital before I could do anything this time. Then when school started, The feelings came back and the thoughts. And the drama between me and my ex. Which is where I started dating him again. Then I went to the hospital again. 
I hope you see that just because people seem good and happy doesn’t mean they actually are.


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