The Valley of the Tools Episode 17

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rob drives himself half-crazy under house arrest after resisting the addiction counselor Lilly hired for him, Bonnie and Noel go viral when they document a pair's flirtation on a plane and Bonnie
has to deal with Noel's clinginess

Submitted: September 23, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 23, 2018









“I strained to obtain so I could give more, most dangerous when there was nothing to live for. For that fetti bag, ready to let the six pour. Was on nothing long enough, need a big score”

  • Kaseem Ryan


(We open on Lilly working in her office at CBS Studios. She sits back, exhausted, and sighs. She gets up and walks down the hall of this bustling, fancy CBS office. She disappears into the women’s room as Todd emerges from behind a house plant, wearing his plant-watering uniform and fake goatee. He casually slips into Meghan Lyvers’ office. Meghan is on the phone at her desk)


MEGHAN: If anything, we can reboot Big Bang Theory in ten years- (Meghan puts her phone to her chest) What are you doing?


TODD: Plant guy. Your girl’s in the lady’s room.


MEGHAN: My “girl”? What is it, the fifties?


TODD: Sorry, ma’am, must be old fashioned.


(Todd removes his hat and bows)


MEGHAN: …No, you’re just a fucking weirdo. Hurry up. (Meghan places the phone back against her ear) Sorry about that. (Todd nods and returns to watering the plants) Uh-huh. (Beat) Look, if Colbert doesn’t want to do a cross-over with Young Sheldon, then he can work somewhere else. We’ll have James Corden host both shows if we need to!


TODD: I heard James Corden is a great divorce attorney.


(Meghan puts her phone to her chest)



(Todd turns around)


TODD: I am here to warn you of something. Altmire-Stone intends to hire Amanda Siegfried. You can’t let them.




TODD: She was caught on film making this gesture!


(Todd holds up an “OK” sign)


MEGHAN: …It’s a little lame, but I don’t see how-


TODD: IT’S AN ALT-RIGHT HAND GESTURE! Here’s Richard Spencer doing it- (Todd whips out a photo of Richard Spencer making the symbol in front of a Trump Hotel) and here’s Brett Kavanaugh’s wife doing it- (Todd unveils a screenshot of Brett Kavanaugh’s wife unintentionally making the symbol while resting her hand behind Brett Kavanaugh at his confirmation hearing) and here’s Amanda Siegfried doing it!


(Todd unveils a photo of Amanda Siegfried, age sixteen, putting the OK sign to their mouths at a party, miming weed consumption. In the corner, the date reads “6/12/06”)


MEGHAN: Oh my God. Where did you get that?


TODD: I Wayback Machined her Myspace page.


MEGHAN: Shit. I didn’t know that sign was offensive until fifteen seconds ago, but I am offended. We can’t afford to take this risk. Hold on. (Meghan places the phone back to her ear) Hello? (Dial tone) Oh. They hung up. (Meghan hangs up) Of course they did, why wouldn’t they?


(Lilly walks in)


LILLY: Hey, what did Shelly say- (Lilly looks at a nervous Todd) do I know you?


TODD: Nope.


(Lilly furrows her brow and looks at Meghan)


LILLY: Is this freak important?


MEGHAN: Get Whitney Stone on the phone.


LILLY: I sure do love talking to her.


(Lilly leaves and Todd quickly escapes from the office. Cut to Whitney on the phone in her office)


WHITNEY: Are you kidding me!? Who told you this?! (Beat) Ah. I see. Thanks for this information. We’ll talk later.


(Whitney angrily hangs up the phone. She picks up a paper weight and throws it across the room. Cut to Rob sitting in his living room, taking a drag on a cigarette, as Todd sits across from him, out of costume)


ROB: …So, they bought it?


TODD: Hundred percent. CBS executives are pretty dumb, actually. But I guess you could’ve figured that out.


ROB: What was the look on her face?

TODD: I would characterize it as “breathtaking gullibility”.


(Rob smirks and takes a drag on his cigarette. Lilly walks in and Rob sits up and panics)


ROB: Lilly! (Todd freezes) You’re here early!

LILLY: There wasn’t any traffic on the 405, oddly enough. Who’s this?


(Todd stands up and extends his hand)


TODD: Rob’s counselor, remember? How are you?


LILLY: I’m- (Lilly examines Todd’s face) holy shit, you’re that guy from Meghan’s office! I knew I recognized you!


TODD: What?! Who’s Meghan? You mean Meghan Lyvers?


(Rob stands up)


ROB: Jesus, dude.


TODD: I’m a plant guy by day, counselor by night-


LILLY: NO! You’re the reason she had Whitney fire Amanda! (To Rob) Rob, did you do this?!


ROB: Not gonna lie, I did.


LILLY: Oh, well, congratulations for being honest after LYING ABOUT HAVING A COUNSELOR!!


ROB: Lilly, let me explain!

LILLY: Why have you had to say that so many times in our three-month relationship?


TODD: I still maintain that I’m a plant guy by day and counselor by night-


ROB: Shut up.


TODD: Come on, wouldn’t that be a cool show?




(Todd throws his hands up and walks out)


LILLY: You have ten seconds.


ROB: Do you know what’s happening?! I was already losing relevance at Altmire-Stone before this, and now I’m not even allowed to step foot in there.


LILLY: Well, I’m sure you’re getting on their good side with all this subterfuge.


ROB: They don’t know a thing.


(Whitney walks in)




ROB: Do we have locks on our doors?! How is it that I’m trapped inside but everybody else is allowed to come and go as they please!?


WHITNEY: If you weren’t a partner, I’d FIRE you right now. Don’t ever use your thug to interfere in our affairs again, GOT IT? (Whitney starts to walk away, but then comes back and grabs an apple out of a bowl on the coffee table) I’m taking this!

(Whitney storms out of the house)


ROB: …So I may harbor a little regret.


LILLY: If you don’t get a real counselor within 24 hours, we’re done. Actually. I’ll get them.


(Lilly marches out of the house. Rob sighs, puts his cigarette out and sits down. Cut to a hotel room in Chicago, Illinois. Kevin is resting on the bed, scrolling through his phone as McKenzie packs her bags)


KEVIN: …Huh. Have you heard of this guy named “Drake”?


MCKENZIE: Can you-? Sorry, do you mind helping? Or do you want to sit in the corner and make jokes, like usual?


KEVIN: The latter.


(McKenzie drops a bag and looks at Kevin)



KEVIN: Why are we even leaving? Rob’s under house arrest, you could take the whole month off. Unless, of course, you want to bring him his groceries from the liquor store.


MCKENZIE: I’m sure he eats food, too.


KEVIN: If you say so.


(Kevin jumps off the bed)


MCKENZIE: I don’t want them to think they can live without me. Who knows if Rob is even coming back?


(Kevin starts stuffing clothes into a suitcase)


KEVIN: Come on, men like him never get fired. (Beat) Except for the two separate occasions he was fired this year alone.


MCKENZIE: We have to catch a flight, we can’t cancel it.


(McKenzie takes two bags and walks toward the door)


KEVIN: McKenzie.


(McKenzie turns around)




KEVIN: …Maybe you don’t need that job.


MCKENZIE: That’s so easy- maybe you don’t need to be a pilot!

KEVIN: What I’m saying is, your dream was acting. What you’re doing- it’s not even close to acting.




MCKENZIE: I am very often physically close to actors, thank you very much.


(McKenzie leaves the room with her bags. The door shuts behind her. Cut to the previous night. McKenzie is sound asleep in the hotel room bed while Kevin is standing on the balcony in only his boxers, smoking a cigarette while on the phone)


KEVIN: …Mom, she’s a- can I talk? Mom, she’s an actress, yes, but she’s not- (Beat, as Kevin’s mom talks) she has a job at a production company, she’s an assistant. (Beat) No. No, not a secretary. (Beat) Her- her boss was arrested- mom! (Beat) No! No! She doesn’t work for “one of my drug dealers”, what does that mean, “one of my”- (Beat) It was nice seeing you, mom, good bye. Mom. (Kevin takes a drag) No, I’m not smoking again- GOODBYE! LOVE YOU!


(Kevin hangs up and sighs. He puts out his cigarette, slides open the glass door and sees a sign near the TV reading “Smoking in this room or on the balcony will result in a $500 cleaning fee”. Kevin puts the sign down and climbs into bed with McKenzie, spooning her, as she moans with approval. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin slowly shuffling their way towards a seat in a crowded plane)


MCKENZIE: Which seat is yours?


(Kevin examines his ticket)




MCKENZIE: Mine’s 7A.


KEVIN: Damnit. We’ll see if we can switch.


(McKenzie finds her seat and sits in it, as does Kevin. McKenzie is sitting next to a handsome, young and muscular athlete type while Kevin sits next to a 30-something blonde woman. McKenzie stands up and faces the woman)


MCKENZIE: Hi, would you mind switching with me so I can sit next to my boyfriend?


KEVIN: Don’t I get a say in this?


(The Blonde woman chuckles)


BLONDE WOMAN: Of course, that’s fine.


MCKENZIE: Thanks, you’re a sweetheart. (The woman smiles and gets up. McKenzie migrates into the aisle and passes the blonde woman) I hope you meet the love of your life!


(The blonde woman chuckles as she sits next to the muscular, young, handsome man. McKenzie sits next to Kevin)


KEVIN: She was going to, it was me.


MCKENZIE: Shut up.


KEVIN: Where’s the booze cart?


MCKENZIE: We haven’t even taken off yet.


KEVIN: Yeah, and take-off makes me nervous, so where’s the booze cart?!


BLONDE WOMAN: (OS) Hi. I’m Vanessa.


YOUNG MAN: (OS) Oscar. Pleasure.


MCKENZIE: (Whispering) Oh, shit, they’re talking.




VANESSA: So, what? Are you an athlete?


(Kevin’s eyes widen)


KEVIN: (Whisper) Are they fucking yet?


MCKENZIE: I need to capture this.


(McKenzie takes out her phone and takes pictures of their arms through the gap between the seats)


KEVIN: You need to capture the back of their seats?


MCKENZIE: No, silly, their arms.


KEVIN: Because that’s more normal. (McKenzie puts a caption on the photo- “I switched sits with this woman and told her she’ll find the love of her life and now these two are FLIRTING ????”) Maybe you should add a few more emojis to really sell the basicness.




(McKenzie posts the photo to Twitter)


OSCAR: (OS) What’re you doing in LA?


VANESSA: I live there.


OSCAR: Do you? That’s interesting, so do I.


(McKenzie smiles)


VANESSA: Where at?




VANESSA: I’m in Van Nuys, right near there.


OSCAR: Really?


KEVIN: (Whispering) I bet she doesn’t live in Van Nuys.


(McKenzie pushes Kevin while giggling. Cut to Bonnie sitting in her living room, wearing a robe, drinking a Coke and watching LA Local News)


ANCHOR: President Trump will visit Shanksville, Pennsylvania tomorrow morning to mark the 17th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. We fully expect him to display the utmost decorum during that solemn event.


SECOND ANCHOR: Absolutely. In other news, Hurricane Florence is barreling toward the East Coast of the United States. Experts are saying this is potentially an extremely dangerous hurricane. If you live in the Carolinas, it is advised that you immediately evacuate, unless you think the strength of the American spirit will be enough to guide you through, in which case, by all means.


(Bonnie turns the TV off and lazily saunters to her room. Noel is sitting on her canopied bed eating Sea Salt chips without a shirt on)




NOEL: Hey. You want some?


BONNIE: I thought you were getting dressed.


NOEL: They’re sea salt. Is sea salt better for you? Because, like, it’s from the sea? Kind of like how fish is healthier than beef?




NOEL: I got into your wine, Bonnie! (Noel holds up a half-empty bottle of Riesling) I can’t drive home like this.


BONNIE: “Got into” my wine, what the fuck are you, a dog?


NOEL: I can be. If you want.


BONNIE: Noel…. just, don’t make a racket, alright? I can’t have another stress dream about- (Bonnie sits next to Noel in bed) finding out you’re actually seventeen.


NOEL: I’ll go right to bed.


(Noel kisses Bonnie, smiles and walks out of the room. Bonnie drops onto her pillow, exhausted. Cut to Bonnie waking up the next morning. She hears Noel in the shower. She checks her phone- it’s 9:20 PM)


BONNIE: Motherfuck. (Bonnie gets up and knocks on the shower door) NOEL! ARE YOU ALMOST DONE?!







BONNIE: “MORE” MINUTES!? (Cut to Bonnie driving her car, with Noel in the passenger seat. Some pop song is playing over the radio) You need to remember to fill up your car.


NOEL: You know my internship is unpaid, right?


BONNIE: Doesn’t my vagina count as payment?


(Noel takes out a mix CD)


NOEL: Mind if I pop in this mix CD?


BONNIE: You have a mix CD- you have a CD, period?!


NOEL: I made it for you.


BONNIE: …Go ahead, I guess. (Noel pops in the CD. It’s “Tom Sawyer” by Rush. Noel starts rocking out to it) Isn’t this song on, like, 80% percent of mix CDs?


NOEL: I hope so.


(Cut to Bonnie and Noel walking into the office. Whitney walks into the lobby area)


WHITNEY: Bonnie, Noel, come on! It’s 10:25, McKenzie’s not back from Chicago yet, Ryan’s gone, we have no one to work reception or my desk.


BONNIE: Sorry, we got held up.


WHITNEY: I bet you did. Come with me.


(Noel sits behind the desk, as Bonnie shrugs and follows her. Cut to Bonnie walking into Whitney’s office. Whitney leans against her desk as Bonnie stands attentively)

WHITNEY: I need you to make me an enemy’s list.


BONNIE: Enemy’s list? What are you, Nixon?


WHITNEY: No, I’m Cuomo. And I have a few scores to settle.


BONNIE: I didn’t mean Cynthia Nixon-


WHITNEY: Put Rob at the top. Then put Les Moonves after him.


BONNIE: Where do you want “Nazis”?


WHITNEY: Number five. Right below Jimmy Kimmel.


(Whitney sits behind her desk)


BONNIE: Jimmy Kimmel-?


WHITNEY: I have my reasons.


BONNIE: What are you going to do to Rob?


WHITNEY: I don’t know yet.


BONNIE: …Well, when you do, let me know.


(Bonnie heads for the door)


WHITNEY: Bonnie.


(Bonnie turns around)




WHITNEY: I have a lot of faith in you. Don’t go messing that up with…distractions.


BONNIE: …Subtle.


(Bonnie retreats into her office. Once there, Bonnie sits down, inches up to her desk with a pen pad and paper, writes “Whitney Stone’s Enemy’s List” on top, and then promptly passes out on the desk. Cut to Rob sitting on his couch, across from a well-dressed, older white man with a beard. Rob is playing with his lighter, while wearing a sweater, jeans and a plaid shirt. Rob continually clips his lighter open and shut, open and shut)



ROB: What.


THERAPIST: Rob, do you want me to leave?


ROB: That’s an option? (Rob shrugs) I can’t leave, why should you get to? Absorb my misery, I can’t be the only one to enjoy it.


THERAPIST: Is that how you view it, Rob? You’re miserable?


ROB: Listen, Forrest Gump-


THERAPIST: Sabling. Dr. Forrest Sabling.


ROB: Yes. Dr. Sabling. I know you’ve worked with plenty of celebrities. Beyonce and Jay-Z. Mac Miller. (Dr. Sabling clears his throat) Debra Messing. Flo from the Progressive commercials. But I’m different than them. They’re vapid egoists.




ROB: I’m a self-aware nihilist without a care in the world what other people think. (Rob pulls out a cigarette and places it in his mouth) They can immolate themselves for all I care.


(Rob lights his cigarette and throws the lighter onto the table)


DR. SABLING: You don’t care what they think?

ROB: No.


DR. SABLING: Clearly, you care how Lilly thinks, or else I wouldn’t be here.


ROB: Yeah, obviously, way to figure that one out, Freud.


DR. SABLING: But not anyone else?


ROB: Nope. Not even Whitney.


DR. SABLING: Lilly brought me here because she wants you to quit drinking. Do you want to quit drinking?


ROB: Not particularly, no. But I’ll play along.


DR. SABLING: Why do you drink?


(Rob briskly blows out a smoke cloud)


ROB: Why does anyone?!


DR. SABLING: Did your father drink?


ROB: I don’t have a father.


(Rob ashes the cigarette into an ashtray)


DR. SABLING: …What do you mean?


ROB: Nothing.


DR. SABLING: Is he dead?


ROB: No. Let’s just move on.


DR. SABLING: Robert, I’m just trying to-


ROB: Believe this Nike thing? Man, if I owned any Nike stuff, I would sure keep it.


DR. SABLING: Rob. Do you want to spend the rest of this session avoiding discussion?


ROB: Yes.


(Dr. Sabling stares at Rob. His face is resolute)


DR. SABLING: …Took me a couple sessions with Cornell, too, so.


(Dr. Sabling gets up)


ROB: Jesus. How many of your ex-patients are alive?


DR. SABLING: Plenty! Debra Messing, for example!


ROB: Come to think of it, what the hell was Debra Messing addicted to?


DR. SABLING: Mimosa brunches.


(Rob nods)


ROB: Feel free to leave.


(Rob takes a drag on his cigarette and walks into the kitchen. Dr. Sabling stands up)


DR. SABLING: You’re still being charged for the whole hour.


ROB: I’m aware of that.


(Rob puts his cigarette out)


DR. SABLING: Also, my dry cleaning to get out the smoke-


ROB: Go away.


(Dr. Sabling nods and leaves the house)


DR. SABLING: (OS) Have a good, sober day!

(Rob rolls his eyes and inspects his fridge. There’s no alcohol. No beer, liquor, wine or anything)


ROB: …Shit. (Rob closes the fridge) Lilly. (Rob walks over to his cupboards, opens one and finds a bottle of Cooking Sherry) …I’ve stooped lower. (Rob takes a swig, but immediately spits out the Sherry, totally disgusted) Nope.


(Rob wretches, takes out a cigarette, lights it, and plops down on the couch. He flips on the TV to a Daytime Soap Opera. A well-built Puerto Rican man walks in on his wife kissing another well-built Puerto Rican man, with his shirt off. The husband gasps)




(Maria turns to her husband, in a state of shock)


MARIA: Oh, Filipe! Why’d you have to find out like this?!


FILIPE: What does this PRICK have that I don’t have?!


ROB: Good question. He looks exactly like you.




(Rob nods, his eyes getting heavy)


ROB: …Good point.


(Rob drifts off to sleep. Cut to Rob, wearing a tweed suit on an old passenger train, snapping awake right next to Lilly, who’s wearing a 1940s-style, pink, casual dress and a bonnet as she stares at the countryside whizzing by. A tuxedoed waiter in a moustache leans down to Rob)


WAITER: Puis-je vous faire quelque chose, monsieur?


ROB: Huh?


WAITER: Puis-je-


ROB: Oh. No. Merci.


(The waiter nods and walks away. Lilly puts her hand on Rob’s)


LILLY: It’s so beautiful out here.


ROB: …Why- why are we here?


LILLY: We’re here for me.


ROB: Did- did we go to, like, a forties theme night?


LILLY: Not exactly.


ROB: Why are we here? You know I don’t like trains, or, French people.


LILLY: …It’s not about you. It’s about me.


(Rob turns to her)


ROB: What do you mean?


LILLY: I’m dying. I, I have a terminal illness.


(Rob’s face drops)

ROB: …W-what?


LILLY: I wanted this to be my last trip-


(Jump cut, Lilly’s frothing from the mouth, dying)


ROB: LILLY! (Rob cradles her head) LILLY! SOMEONE CALL 9-1-1!


(Rob turns to see the waiter, who is currently on fire)


WAITER: What was that number again? (Rob screams) Sir, I can’t help you unless you talk to me.


(Smash cut to Rob waking up to find half of his couch is on fire, due to the lit cigarette he was holding. He screams, jumps up, and quickly runs to the kitchen. He grabs a bucket, fills it with water, and throws it on the couch. He repeats a couple of times until the fire is finally out. But his couch is ruined. He takes a deep breath and walks onto his balcony, overlooking the San Fernando Valley. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin sitting in their seats. McKenzie is still cheerfully documenting the flirty pair in the seats in front of her. They’re laughing and talking)


OSCAR: How often do you fly?


VANESSA: That depends. How often do you?


KEVIN: This is getting painful.


MCKENZIE: I still think it’s cute.


OSCAR: I have to use the facilities.


(Oscar gets up)


VANESSA: Me too, actually.


(McKenzie squeals as she snaps a few pictures. They walk down the aisle, toward the bathrooms)


MCKENZIE: They’re so adorable!

KEVIN: They’re not gonna look adorable when they’re fucking on a toilet. Toilet splashing on their ass every few thrusts.


MCKENZIE: Why would they open the lid?


KEVIN: I- I don’t-


MCKENZIE: Also, do airplane toilets have water?


KEVIN: Kenz, don’t question my jokes, just enjoy them.


(Cut to the plane landing at LAX. Cut to McKenzie and Kevin walking out of the gate, luggage in tow, right behind Oscar and Vanessa, who are walking together. McKenzie follows them with her phone)


KEVIN: Kenz!

(McKenzie turns around)



KEVIN: What are you doing?


MCKENZIE: I just need to get a final shot, I’ll be right back! (McKenzie walks behind them and takes a photo. She then quickly scurries back to Kevin) I hope they didn’t notice.


KEVIN: The tiny stranger chasing them with a camera? Nah, I’m sure it slipped past them.




KEVIN: Kenz, are you sure you should-?


MCKENZIE: I’m blurring their faces, don’t worry.


KEVIN: And their profiles?


MCKENZIE: (Curt) Yes. I said “don’t worry”, I’m an adult, I know what I’m doing.


(Kevin puts his hands up)


KEVIN: Sorry. You’re right.


MCKENZIE: It’s okay. (McKenzie hugs Kevin and kisses him) I understand your concern.


(Kevin nods)


KEVIN: How many RTs is it getting?


MCKENZIE: Let me check. (McKenzie checks her phone) It’s about… (McKenzie’s jaw drops) …oh my God.


(Cut to an episode of Good Morning America, hosted by Robin Roberts, Michael Strahan and George Stephanopoulos)


ROBIN: Hi, welcome back to Good Morning America, I’m Robin Roberts.


MICHAEL: I’m Michael Strahan.


GEORGE: And I’m George Stephanopoulos. Lot of news today.


MICHAEL: A lot of it.


GEORGE: First, Governor Cuomo defeated his progressive challenger Cynthia Nixon last night.


MICHAEL: Big time.


ROBIN: This means people love establishment Democrats.


MICHAEL One-hundred percent. Meanwhile, Hurricane Florence is battering the East Coast.


GEORGE: Yes. Be careful over there and take shelter. Good news is, though, if you’re brown, and you die in this hurricane, President Trump will consider you still alive.


ROBIN: Absolutely. More big news today, Manafort is pleading guilty and cooperating with Robert Mueller. Trump’s on the ropes now.


GEORGE: I know we’ve said that a ton of times before, but, we really mean it this time.


MICHAEL: But we’re not here to talk about that today. We’re talking about a viral social media sensation called “Airplane Bae”. What the hell is that? Here to explain are the people behind it- (Pan over to see McKenzie and Kevin sitting a couch facing Michael and the rest) McKenzie Park and Kevin Jacobson. Welcome, guys.


MCKENZIE: Thanks so much for having us, this is surreal.


KEVIN: She’s being modest, she’s been on TV before.


MICHAEL: Is that right?


MCKENZIE: Yes, one episode of a reality show on FOX called-


ROBIN: So, this “Airplane Bae” thing, tell us all about it.


MCKENZIE: Well, Kevin and I were flying back from Chicago, and I wanted to sit next to him, so-




MCKENZIE: I switched seats with this woman, and I told her, “I hope you meet the love of your life”-


ROBIN: Okay.


MCKENZIE: Before I know it, she’s hitting it off with this hottie in the seat in front of us-


KEVIN: Whoa, now!

(Kevin, Robin, Michael and George let out big fake laughs. McKenzie is thrown off)


MCKENZIE: …Yeah, so, anyway, I just began chronicling their interactions on Twitter- (Screenshots of these images appear on screen) and from there, it blew up.


ROBIN: And man, are we all loving it here, we’ve been talking about it all day. Tell us, what’s your next step?


MCKENZIE: Well, Kevin and I have talked about it, and we’ve tried to get in contact with the woman from the plane, because we want to make a movie about this love story.


KEVIN: A movie about two people falling in love on a plane! How about that? We could call it “Up In The Air” or something.


GEORGE: That’s clever. Thank you so much, Kevin and McKenzie, for joining us.


MCKENZIE: Thanks, George. (Cut to McKenzie and George sitting on a plane, flying back from New York. Kevin is drinking a gin & tonic) This is huge, babe, this is a massive opportunity for us.


KEVIN: I know, Kenz, but, it’s fifteen minutes of fame. We shouldn’t wear out our welcome.


MCKENZIE: This is my SECOND fifteen minutes of fame, Kevin! That makes thirty minutes of fame! If I play my cards right, we could be looking at a couple hours.


KEVIN: I get that, and we should take advantage, but, don’t be disappointed if it’s just fifteen minutes of fame.


MCKENZIE: …Isn’t “Fifteen Minutes of Fame” what your first girlfriend called it when you lost your virginity?


(Kevin looks at McKenzie and raises his drink up)


KEVIN: Cheers to you.


(McKenzie smiles as Kevin drinks. Cut to Bonnie asleep on her desk. Noel comes in and shakes her awake)


NOEL: Bonnie?


(Bonnie shoots up, looks at Noel)


BONNIE: Shit. How long was I out?


NOEL: It’s 12:30. Do you want to get lunch?


BONNIE: …No, sorry, I have to catch up on what I couldn’t get done while I was…not doing anything.


NOEL: Come on, you had a handful of cashews for breakfast. it’ll be real quick. Right down the street.


BONNIE: (Snapping) Noel. I said “no”. I’m the boss, you’re the intern. Got it?


(Noel looks shocked and hurt. He looks down)


NOEL: Yeah. Got it.


(Noel quickly storms out. Bonnie sighs and looks down, already regretting what she said. She starts writing out the enemy’s list. Whitney walks in)


WHITNEY: What was that about?


BONNIE: Nothing.


WHITNEY: You and Noel alright?


BONNIE: Yeah, he’s just a little shit sometimes.


WHITNEY: …Is he your dog?


BONNIE: Sometimes it seems like it. (Bonnie looks up at Whitney) He’s just so clingy sometimes!


WHITNEY: Have you told him that?


BONNIE: If he wasn’t so thick, he would realize it.


WHITNEY: Well. (Whitney looks off) At least he’s not distant. Nothing worse than that.


BONNIE: You don’t understand Noel’s level of clinginess. I bet he didn’t stop breastfeeding until he was thirteen.


WHITNEY: You sure you want to have said that?


BONNIE: Not at all.


WHITNEY: You want to get him off your back? Find a new intern for him to talk to. Just got off the phone with McKenzie, she has to go to New York for a day or two, and we need extra help around here.


BONNIE: …Fine. But, I’ll finish your enemy’s list first.


WHITNEY: No, I’ll take it. (Whitney grabs the Enemy’s List) It’s better that I do it anyway. I know my enemies better than they know themselves.


(Whitney smiles and walks back into her office. Bonnie goes on her computer, checks her e-mail and searches “intern applications”. Cut to a montage of Bonnie doing phone interviews)


BONNIE: Yeah, so, your job would basically be to write coverage and- (Interrupted) yes, we do background checks, why do you ask? (Cut) We work primarily in TV right now, and- (Pause) no, we didn’t do Game of Thrones. (Pause) Tim. Tim. We didn’t kill off Ned Stark, just calm the fuck down. (Cut) You would also have to re-stock the fridge on a regular basis- (pause) sorry, could you stop breathing so heavily? (Pause) No, YOU’RE a bitch! (Cut) Listen, fuck-o, you’re not getting this internship even if Jesus himself recommends you! You know why?! Because you put “MEN’S RIGHTS ACTIVIST, 2016-PRESENT” on your motherfucking RESUME!  So I just wanted to call you up and tell you to EAT YOUR OWN DICK, so you’ll no longer HAVE TO worry about your fragile masculinity! Good bye!


(Bonnie slams the phone onto the receiver. She then sighs and crosses out the name “Barry Carlson”. She’s left with two names- “Penelope Cartwright” and “Alec Washburn”. She picks up the phone and calls Penelope. Penelope answers)




BONNIE: Hi, this is Bonnie Backlash- (Clears throat) Bonnie Feck from Altmire-Stone Productions, how are you today?


PENELOPE: I’m amazing! An actual ice cream truck drove through my neighborhood this morning! How often do you see that, this late in the summer?


(Bonnie is thrown off)


BONNIE: Yeah, that’s, that’s something.


(Cut to Alec Washburn, working the register at Ronnie’s Diner, handing a receipt to two customers)


ALEC: Have a nice day. (Alec gets a call as Tara walks up to him) It’s Altmire-Stone, I have to take this.


TARA: I can’t believe you applied for that.


ALEC: Me neither. But I got desperate. I promise you I’ll kick Rob in the balls on my last day. (Alec kisses Tara on the cheek and heads out the back door) Hello?


BONNIE: Hi, Alec, this is Bonnie from Altmire-Stone Productions. Are you having a good day?


(Alec shrugs)


ALEC: It’s been whatever.


BONNIE: Great. When can you start?


(Alec is thrown off)


ALEC: …What?


(Cut to Rob, still standing on his balcony, overlooking his pool below. He gazes into it with a deep contemplation. Rob shakes his head, snapping him out of it, and walks back inside. Cut to his front yard. Rob walks out of his house, towards his front gate. He grips the bars like it’s a prison cell. A dirty blonde man, mid-30s, fit and muscular, runs by with headphones in. Rob waves him down)


ROB: Donovan!

(Donovan stops and runs in place while looking at Rob)


DONOVAN: Hey, Rob. What’s going on, my man?


ROB: Nothing, just chilling. Taking the day off.


DONOVAN: Heard you were put under house arrest.


ROB: Taking the month off, then. (Donovan chuckles) Can you believe this weather?


DONOVAN: …Low eighties in late Summer Los Angeles? Yeah, I can believe it.


(Rob nods, embarrassed)


ROB: Right. (Rob clears his throat) Can you believe what Trump said, today? Man, what an orange traitor, huh?


DONOVAN: What’d he say?


ROB: I don’t know, I hoped you would fill in the details.


DONOVAN: Didn’t you vote for Trump?


ROB: NO! Why does everyone think that?!


DONOVAN; I gotta go. Nice talking to you, Rob.


(Donovan runs off. Rob looks anguished. He marches back into his home. Cut to Rob pulling a worn book of numbers from under his bed. He flips through it and finds a number for a “Drug Dealer” named Diego. He calls it. Cut to Rob with the phone to his ear)


SPEAKER: (Automated) I’m sorry. This number has either been disconnected, or is-


(Rob hangs up. Montage of Rob calling multiple numbers, to no avail. Finally, someone picks up as the montage wraps up. We see a scummy, pissed off white man in a wife beater pick up the phone while his naked girlfriend lies on his bed, scrolling through her phone)


SCUMMY DEALER: What is it?


ROB: (On the phone) Hey! (Cut to Rob’s house) Corey, how are you, dude?


COREY: (On the phone) Get to the fuckin’ point dude, my bitch and me ‘bout to go out.


(Intercut between Rob and Corey)


COREY’S GIRLFRIEND: Corey, I want a funnel cake. Where do you get funnel cakes?


COREY: (To his girlfriend) Bitch, I’m on the phone! (To Rob) What do you want?


ROB: Can you bring some weed by my house? I’ll pay double.


COREY: Motherfucker, go to a weed shop. I’m not fuckin’ Uber Smokes.


ROB: Corey, I’m under house arrest-


COREY’S GIRLFRIEND: Corey, can you win me a stuffed animal?


COREY: (To her) Bitch, we’re not going to a carnival! (To Rob) I can’t help you, bro. Bye.


(Corey hangs up)


ROB: Corey! (Rob sighs) Fuck. (Rob puts his phone in his pocket. Cut to Rob walking towards the gated entrance to his estate. He places his hands on the bars. A 15-year old boy, flannel, shorts and acne, walks by) Hey. Calvin, right?


BOY: No. Rob, right?


ROB: Yeah.


BOY: My mom says you’re that awful man who got arrested for driving drunk.


ROB: Yep, that’s me. Can I ask you a favor?


BOY: What?


ROB: Do you want to make some money?


BOY: How?


ROB: I need someone to deliver me some…what do you kids call it today? Grass?


BOY: You mean pot?


ROB: Yes! Pot! That one! Do you know kids who have access to it?


BOY: Yeah. There’s this kid I know who uses it for medical stuff. Do you want his stuff?


(Rob considers it)


ROB: …No. (Rob clears his throat) Just. Do you know any dealers?


BOY: Yeah, I think so.


(Rob takes out his wallet)


ROB: Get me $50 worth, okay?


(Rob takes out a fifty and hands it to the kid, who enthusiastically takes it)


BOY: Okay!

ROB: Come back here when you got it, let yourself in, my gate code is 53062. What’s your name, by the way? Calvin?


BOY: Michael.


ROB: Well, Michael. Let’s operate on the honor principle, okay? You’ll bring me the drugs, right? You’re not just gonna run off?


MICHAEL: Come on, Rob, I wouldn’t do that.


ROB: I don’t know you at all, you could totally do that. Hell, I would do that if I was your age. (Beat) But don’t. You live on my street. If you come back with the drugs, you get fifty dollars. If you come back with nothing, you give me the fifty back, got it?


MICHAEL: Yes, sir.


ROB: Go.


(Michael nods and runs off. Rob walks back toward the house. Cut to Rob smoking in the kitchen, pacing back and forth. He eyes the cooking sherry on the counter. He taps his fingers nervously against his side. He rests the cigarette on an ash tray and approaches the bottle. He picks it up and starts downing it. Halfway through, he can’t stand it any longer, slams it down, heads to the sink and dry heaves. Rob grabs his cigarette, puts it out, places his pack on the counter and collapses onto the couch. He closes his eyes. Time lapse footage as we reach dusk. Rob’s eyes peel open and he sees Joe Altmire standing in front of the sliding glass doors. He’s faintly surprised)


JOE: …Rob.


ROB: …Dad?


JOE: No, your dad’s dead.


ROB: …Then what are you?


JOE: I don’t really know.


(Brad walks into the frame)


BRAD: Do you want to ask yourself the same question?


ROB: …I’m afraid.


JOE: Of what?


ROB: …I-


JOE: Are you afraid of being exposed, or are you afraid of being who you truly are?


(Long beat)


ROB: I’m not like either of you. I’m my own person.


BRAD: But who is that? How long from your standpoint does it take to get to a good person?


ROB: I’d rather be Jeffrey Dahmer than either of you two fucks-


(Pan over to Michael, standing near the coffee table)


MICHAEL: Can I get a word in here?


ROB: Just, hold on one moment, Michael! (Rob double takes and looks at Michael) Michael?


(Rob looks back at where Brad and Joe were. They’re gone. Rob looks at Michael)


MICHAEL: Sorry to wake you.


ROB: Was I talking in my sleep?


MICHAEL: Yeah. It turns out my drug dealer was murdered.


(Rob squints)


ROB: Really?


MICHAEL: Yeah. Back in July. Anyway, do you mind if I keep the money?


(Rob sighs)


ROB: …Whatever. Just keep it.


MICHAEL: See ya.


(Michael walks downstairs and leaves out the front door. Rob stands up and walks into his kitchen. He notices his cooking sherry is gone. He checks the counter; his cigarettes are gone too. He shakes his head and walks into his room. Cut to McKenzie sitting in her home office, speaking through a webcam to a local news station. Kevin sits in the back, observing)


MCKENZIE: We haven’t been able to contact the woman, but I hope she comes forward, so we can work on this.


ANCHOR: And if the movie doesn’t work out, what do you plan to do with your fifteen minutes?


(McKenzie chuckles)


MCKENZIE: Well, I have to say, working for BuzzFeed or something would be really cool, I’d love to create for them.


(Kevin nervously pulls out a cigarette and lights it)


ANCHOR: You heard her, BuzzFeed! Thanks so much, McKenzie.


MCKENZIE: Thanks for having me. (McKenzie closes the webcam and spins around) You’re not using the Juul?


KEVIN: I’m weening myself onto it. Although I’m not sure it’ll work, considering this shit.


(Kevin throws a pile of printed out articles with titles such as “Airplane Bae Shows Creepy Intrusive Side to Viral Content” and “Airplane Bae Couple Show No Respect For Personal Privacy” and “The Anger at McKenzie Park is Sexist- Why No Blame for Her Boyfriend?”)


MCKENZIE: You printed these out?


KEVIN: It’s more dramatic if I throw them on the table like this.


(McKenzie sorts through them)


MCKENZIE: Oh my God. They’re shredding us.


KEVIN: Are they wrong to?


MCKENZIE: What do you mean?


KEVIN: These two didn’t ask to be thrust into the spotlight.


MCKENZIE: Thrust into the- we haven’t released any information about them!

KEVIN: But we followed them off the plane!


MCKENZIE: Yeah, but it’s not like we followed them home and filmed them screwing!


KEVIN: Yeah, we’re saving that for the movie.


MCKENZIE: Kevin, where is this coming from?


(Kevin puts out his cigarette)


KEVIN: …Some internet trolls figured out the woman’s identity. Her name, address, everything.


MCKENZIE: …Oh my God.


(McKenzie stands up)


KEVIN: Yeah. Her name is Georgia Darmody.


MCKENZIE: Well, it’s not my fault they did that-


KEVIN: They used your posts to figure out her identity.


MCKENZIE: I blurred their faces and everything!


(Knock at the door. Kevin squints)

KEVIN: Are you expecting someone?


MCKENZIE: It’s probably another reporter.


KEVIN: I’ll tell them to go away. (Kevin gets up and walks to the door. He opens it and finds Georgia Darmody standing there) Hey, we’re not…


GEORGIA: …I’m Georgia Darmody, can I come in?


KEVIN: …Yes.


(Georgia comes in and Kevin shuts the door. McKenzie comes out and sees Georgia. She’s shocked)


MCKENZIE: Oh my God.


GEORGIA: McKenzie Park, right?


MCKENZIE: Yes. Do you want something? A drink? A Whiskey sour?


GEORGIA: No, thank you.


MCKENZIE: Can I? Though? Have one?


(Georgia nods. McKenzie heads to the kitchen. Georgia and Kevin follow her into the kitchen. McKenzie is fixing herself a drink)


KEVIN: Listen, we didn’t intend to expose you to the internet’s wrath-


GEORGIA: But you did. And now, I’m getting death threats, and rape threats, and so much slut-shaming it would make Brett Kavanaugh blush.


(Kevin and McKenzie’s faces drop)


MCKENZIE: I’m so sorry.


(McKenzie takes the drink in one big gulp)


KEVIN: We never wanted it to go this far-


GEORGIA: You only wanted to capitalize on it to advance your careers. Make movies, and if all else fails, publicly ask BuzzFeed for a job.


KEVIN: How did you know that happened?


GEORGIA: I follow this story pretty closely.


MCKENZIE: We tried to have you involved, but-


GEORGIA: But I don’t want your involvement! I want to be left alone! (Georgia stands up) Understood?


KEVIN: …Not even as like, a DP?




GEORGIA: I’m a private person. Please respect that.


MCKENZIE: …I know. I’m sorry. I feel terrible. How do we make it right?


GEORGIA: Let this go.


MCKENZIE: That’s the easy part. (Beat) But how do we help you?


(Georgia ponders this question. Cut to Noel lying on his bed in his apartment, listening to music through headphones. Bonnie comes in, causing Noel to spring up and rip his headphones out)


NOEL: Bonnie?


BONNIE: Your mom knows I’m here.


NOEL: My mom?


BONNIE: Or. Whoever that woman in the lobby was.


NOEL: What do you want?


(Bonnie sighs and sits on the bed)


BONNIE: I’m sorry for snapping at you.


NOEL: …That doesn’t explain why you did it.


BONNIE: I’m just- I’m a very independent person, Noel. I like you, but we can’t be around each other all the time.


NOEL: I follow you like a puppy, right? (Beat) That’s what all my exes say.


BONNIE: So you know it’s a problem?


NOEL: …Yeah. I become obsessed with people. It’s in my nature. But then it gets fucked up because they don’t like me back. At least, not the same amount. (Noel looks up at Bonnie) I’ve seen puppies, they give out just as much love as they receive.




NOEL: They just communicate that love in shorter bursts. For humans, it’s this long and drawn-out process of little signs and signifiers, when in an ideal world-




NOEL: Puppies have it right! We should love like puppies! Short, excited bursts all at once.


BONNIE: Bonnie, I hired a new intern today.


NOEL: Really, who?


BONNIE: …Someone nothing like you. I could’ve hired you with a vagina, but I chose someone who is the exact opposite of you. (Noel tilts his head) I do like you, Noel. But we need to take it slow.


(Noel smiles and nods. Bonnie and Noel lie together, as we cut to Kevin, McKenzie and Georgia speaking behind the curtains of some auditorium or playhouse. They’re all dressed business casual and Kevin is holding a clipboard)


KEVIN: Okay. Are you ready?


GEORGIA: I think so. What was the plan again?


MCKENZIE: We go out there and make the case for your privacy.


KEVIN: In front of the entirety of the news media. But still.


GEORGIA: Right. We have examples of the rape & death threats, right?

MCKENZIE: Yes- (McKenzie holds up blown-up photocopies of threatening tweets and e-mails) I had them printed at Kinko’s this morning. That sure was awkward.


KEVIN: You ready?




KEVIN: Let’s go.


(Kevin, Georgia and McKenzie pull back the curtain, walk on stage up to a podium, but quickly notice that almost no members of the media are in the audience of this auditorium, save for a sleeping newspaper reporter. They’re shocked)


GEORGIA: …Hello?


MCKENZIE: Where is everyone?


KEVIN: I guess…the media moved on?


MCKENZIE: That quickly? We were on GMA just last week!

KEVIN: And we rented out this auditorium and everything.


GEORGIA: Now that I think about it, I have been receiving a lot fewer death threats recently.


MCKENZIE: Me too, actually. (Kevin and Georgia look at her) I was on a TV show, I get them too, all the time.


(Kevin takes a hit off his Juul)


KEVIN: Well. Do you guys wanna get drinks or something?

GEORGIA: I could do that.


(Kevin, McKenzie and Georgia walk off stage and keep talking)


MCKENZIE: What happened with you and that guy?


GEORGIA: We slept together and then he never texted or called me again.


KEVIN: Shit, I might send him some death threats.


(They laugh as the doors to the auditorium close behind them. Cut to Lilly walking in to Rob’s house. Rob jumps up like a desperate little boy and runs over and hugs her)


LILLY: Jesus. Do I need to check your closet?


(Rob detaches and starts making out with Lilly. Lilly goes along and they crash onto the couch and have sex. As they have sex, we pan over to the sliding glass doors and down the pool, where Michael is peeping them on having sex. He’s entertained. Cut to Rob and Lilly lying on the couch naked, afterward. Rob lights a cigarette and exhales smoke)


ROB: Thanks for picking these up for me.


LILLY: …Yours aren’t the first lungs I’ve destroyed. (Rob smirks) What happened today?


(Rob shakes his head)


ROB: …Nothing. A whole bunch of nothing.


LILLY: Is that why the cooking sherry’s gone?


(Rob looks at Lilly)


ROB: There was a break-in.


LILLY: …Really?


ROB: A robbery is a more accurate way of putting it. (Lilly glares) I may have done the breaking in.


LILLY: Great. Would you mind not speaking in fucking riddles for a minute or two?


ROB: …I want to up the counseling sessions to three times a week.


(Lilly looks genuinely surprised)


LILLY: …Really?


ROB: I said it, didn’t I?


(Rob blows out smoke. Lilly smiles as the camera moves in on her face. She looks up at Rob. Cut to black)



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