The Godfeather

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic

Table of Contents

Before the beginning


fixed it but might need more.
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Psalms

Psalms The last of the settling fall winds screeched a rhythmic hymn upon the town of Chant wood the skies gloomed with a sharp tint ... Read Chapter

Andrew

Andrew He could feel the morning arrive he yawned and looked over to his father's bed.  “Father … father” Andrew calle... Read Chapter

Seth

Seth “Burr … what a cold frightful morning, a morning to freeze me to the bone” Father Grey proclaimed as he dusted off the rem... Read Chapter

Heart Broken Elephant

Heartbroken elephant Hazel turned around quickly sending all her strength into quick jabs and punches at the person behind... Read Chapter

Witness

Witness Andrew ran toward town, Hazel at his side as he bounded down the snowy steep hills, broken twigs and slippery brown sludge ca... Read Chapter

New evil

New evil Timber sat alone staring at the fireplace, the image of the woman in black drifting towards town carried by and unknown forc... Read Chapter

Black Lantern

Black lantern Andrew sighed, hung his head and continued his stroll along the narrow, cobbled, slush covered streets.  Child... Read Chapter

Power

Power Hazel jerked, pulled and tugged at her blankets the hours and minutes had developed much in this fashion it had been the longes... Read Chapter

Cold

Cold Seth stirred in his sleep awakened by a sudden terrible dream that vanished before his waking eyes, a feeling of hope... Read Chapter

Pitiful

Pitiful Andrew awoke with a severe pounding and painful throbbing coming from both head and body, the slightest effort towards any ot... Read Chapter

Strength Within

Strength within Andrew rode back slowly feeling a pitiful pit pulling at his stomach; he had never been away from his father a single... Read Chapter

Monster

Monster Mrs. Salts walked to her home she passed by the old chapel and thought about her late husband Daniel, stirring images came as... Read Chapter

Crazy or Not.

Crazy or Not Seth sat in his room he poured himself a cup of water and set it down on his night stand, concentrating and focusing he ... Read Chapter

Foxy lady

  Foxy lady Hazel walked out into the frozen morning, she breathed deeply the silent cold air as the beautiful scenery ahead... Read Chapter

Fight or Flight

Fight or Flight Hazel awoke from such an unusual dream more strange than every other before  slowly stretching and yawning she w... Read Chapter

What am I

  What am I Andrew walked quickly, he looked around in a slight panic  it had been a while since he had been to the cit... Read Chapter

Powerful

Powerful Seth walked out of the church with a steady pace huffing quickly past the streets and alleyways he approached the main... Read Chapter

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Recent Comments

avatar

RomanBoukreev

For me, your text is almost well and literacy one. Maybe, I'm not the man replied to you (because it's not my first language, although I'm fluent), but the only things I see, it's little inaccuracies in this text. "With a quickering pace she darted [forwards] towards the temple each step." I think that "she darted towards the temple" looks good than two redundant verbs, as well as a lack of coma ("With a quckering pace, she darted towards"). You can use any good spellchecker, such as Grammarly to eliminate these mistakes.
Also, you're using various three dots. According to Chicago's Style Guide (for American English), three dots must be inserted with one space before the next sentence and after the previous sentence. For example, "You must put three dots ... like that."
As for the text itself, I think that it's a good beginning.
I hope this helps.

Sun, July 28th, 2019 5:25am

Author
Reply

Thanks for the comment I had no idea about the three dots and the proper way to use them, I see what you mean about the verbs I guess there is no need for it to be used with two verbs when the one will do, thanks again for the input.

Sun, July 28th, 2019 5:26am

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A. K.Taylor

Hi, Mark. I'm not the strongest editor but most of what I've done should help clear up your story and lead you in the right direction. Just take my examples above and apply it to the rest of your work and you should have a better flow to the structure and meaning of what you're trying to tell with your words.

Don't use fragments as lead-ins and don't use commas were a conjunction word will do( but, and, however) In all honesty, you should've tried to fix some of this before you posted it.

Also, who is she? You haven't named your character at all in this first chapter. It can be a deterrent for some who want to get involved with your story. The setup seems really good. It just needs a few details to flesh out the character and the building plot. Is this a human she's running from or some entity? Is she human? Where is the story taking place?

Some of these questions can be answered in the next chapter but I'm just highlighting a few to make sure you've got the right idea going forward. Hope this helps and I may just wander back to your story to see how things are going. Good luck.

Sun, July 28th, 2019 6:03am

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