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Before The Beginning

All she felt is the burning wind, the ever-changing ice and a constant rhythm of both heart and feet pounding against shredded patches of soiled leaves and twigs.

Broken and afraid, she tore through dead foliage.

Poison thorns scratched at her legs as low hanging branches tangled her hair, mud dripped from every lock as she pulled the scarlet scarf tight around her face, breathing heavily as steam misted her eyes. 

Her children cried out in fear.

She gripped them both tight, cuddling their small infant souls to her beating chest as she sprinted over streams and rocks.

She could feel the power and anger of the shadow that trailed behind. “Do not weep my little ones ...I will protect you; I will keep you safe from it… and from me.”

Tears formed and burned as she dashed through the dark forest, breathing heavily of the cold air that scorched her heart and blistered her lungs.

She could feel it hunting her, tracking her every movement. 

The power and the dread, the rumblings of the ground, small quivering’s of the earth and that ominous orange glow burning the ground underneath her forgotten steps.

Gasping in fear and confusion, she felt alone and terrified.

Tripping over stones and sludge, she fell hard to the earth; mud smeared her garments as a howl of demonic glee resonated throughout the forest, the shadow began to approach.

She pulled herself upright and tore away, with her strength drained the feeling of despair darkening her mind she wept in the cold frozen snow as she staggered forwards.

“Please, anyone…Help me.”

The wind screeched through the trees as she whispered out her plea, tears began to fall freely in a whimper … suddenly though, a feeling from deep inside began to grow, a warm pressing feeling … A feeling of hope.

Looking up, there in the distance before her. A small clearing appeared and in the clearing, perched upon the earth stood a great colossal stone elephant whose trunk frozen with lily water dipped into a great gleaming lake below.

Breathing in a sigh of tears she sprinted forwards, drenched in sweat and blood she clawed to the top of the rock balancing her children with one arm, her hands bleeding and bruised as she reached the summit. Silent relief befell her for below a small town lay shining, burning with the dew of midnight ice.

Staggering onwards she could hear the howl of the shadow behind her, frightfully she wandered about as the small town came closer and closer to view. The streets were empty and the fog of the night surrounded its encampment but far away a distant sound came suddenly to her, melodious, soft and sweet.

As she followed the melody the soft twinkle of an angelic hymn trembled softly before it began to grow and grow, for their appearing before her a chapel of large black stone and solitude stood-watching over the small snow-felt town.

The dancing chime of church bells orchestrated a midnight echo as a single soul could be seen through multicolored panes of glass. His humbled face painted with essence of myrrh and soft dancing candlelight.

With a quickening pace she darted forwards towards the temple, each step setting her closer to hope, each stride closer and closer to peace, and here in the setting of the November chill she placed her children at the foot of the chapel caressing their faces as they cried, she stared down at them with sad burning eyes as ice above cracked and whipped the midnight’s screeching wind and in a small whispered she cried. 

“I love you.”

The howl of the creature rang far behind her, with stinging sorrow in her heart she listened to the roar. She looked down to her children and felt their innocence, felt there unwavering love and in that moment she knew what had to be done.

Tearing down the lonely lamp lit street she ran back towards the beast, leaving her children behind to the mercy of fate as the sound of angelic church bells faded slowly away.

Approaching the end of town she felt a sense of purpose, a sense of burning heat and anger. Standing tall at the head of the stone elephant she looked out into the distance as the orange light began to grow and grow, stepping forwards down towards the lakes edged she stood content and ready.

If it was to have her, it would have her… but her children, her beautiful babies would be safe.

She watched as the orange light became blinding.

She stood tall and ready; whispering out to the world “Let me be strong.”

The earth quaked and tore apart. 

The orange light flared a beacon of power as claws burst forth from the earth covered with dripping veins and rotting furry flesh, clawing at her ankle, tearing at her leg.

She screamed in anger as she tore at the claws, scratching and ripping till fur was shredded from bone. The creature howled out as blood spewed across the fallen snow she fought back viciously as it grabbed ahold.

She felt it pulling her down, dragging her beyond as ice and sludge filled her eyes and throat and with a terrible defeating scream she vanished to the shadows below.

 


Submitted: January 22, 2019

© Copyright 2020 Mark Anthony. All rights reserved.

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RomanBoukreev

For me, your text is almost well and literacy one. Maybe, I'm not the man replied to you (because it's not my first language, although I'm fluent), but the only things I see, it's little inaccuracies in this text. "With a quickering pace she darted [forwards] towards the temple each step." I think that "she darted towards the temple" looks good than two redundant verbs, as well as a lack of coma ("With a quckering pace, she darted towards"). You can use any good spellchecker, such as Grammarly to eliminate these mistakes.
Also, you're using various three dots. According to Chicago's Style Guide (for American English), three dots must be inserted with one space before the next sentence and after the previous sentence. For example, "You must put three dots ... like that."
As for the text itself, I think that it's a good beginning.
I hope this helps.

Sun, July 28th, 2019 5:25am

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Thanks for the comment I had no idea about the three dots and the proper way to use them, I see what you mean about the verbs I guess there is no need for it to be used with two verbs when the one will do, thanks again for the input.

Sun, July 28th, 2019 5:26am

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A. K.Taylor

Hi, Mark. I'm not the strongest editor but most of what I've done should help clear up your story and lead you in the right direction. Just take my examples above and apply it to the rest of your work and you should have a better flow to the structure and meaning of what you're trying to tell with your words.

Don't use fragments as lead-ins and don't use commas were a conjunction word will do( but, and, however) In all honesty, you should've tried to fix some of this before you posted it.

Also, who is she? You haven't named your character at all in this first chapter. It can be a deterrent for some who want to get involved with your story. The setup seems really good. It just needs a few details to flesh out the character and the building plot. Is this a human she's running from or some entity? Is she human? Where is the story taking place?

Some of these questions can be answered in the next chapter but I'm just highlighting a few to make sure you've got the right idea going forward. Hope this helps and I may just wander back to your story to see how things are going. Good luck.

Sun, July 28th, 2019 6:03am

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