Holy Gun of Nazareth

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
this very short story (615 words) was written for a writing prompt thread featuring mundane items that are magical. the item i chose was a paint gun.

Submitted: September 26, 2018

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Submitted: September 26, 2018

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While purchasing some gas station nachos and mountain dew, I overheard a ragged fellow mumbling under his breath. I said ‘excuse me,’ as I attempted to slip by him. The sour odor of vagrant living created an almost visible aura around the man. I freely admit that I covered my dripping nachos with my hand that held the drink, just in case this guy tried to touch me.

The man mis-interpreted my words as if I didn’t understand his muttering and, in a voice, ragged with discarded cigarettes and more than a few garbage-flavored sandwiches, he told me of Halitosis the Great Dragon. He spun a tale of a sleeping dragon on a mound of gold. A real dragon that once had princesses and cows offered to him as snacks, I’m not really sure why else the dragon would want them, he said. Eventually, the dragon got tired of raiding the nearby cities of their livestock and royalty. Halitosis retired to become “a thousand-year old dragon that has slept for hundreds of years”.

“No one tried to kill him?” I asked.

“Of course, they did. They still do,” he said, “But they don’t have the right weapon. Swords and spears won’t kill the Great Dragon, it takes a holy weapon. Otherwise, it’s better that folks just keep throwing gold in there to keep him sleeping”. A wave of milk-laced breath lingered in my face.

“What kind of holy weapon?” I asked, suddenly remembering a Monty Python movie.

The dirty hobo smiled with yellow-brown teeth. “I have one right here.” He turned then and dug around in his trash bag of miscellaneous trinkets. After a few seconds he pulled out an object. It was a gun, of sorts, with what seemed to be large squirt bottle attached where a bullet magazine should be. He explained the gun fired off paint balls. But not average paint balls. Paint balls blessed by a real priest in Nevada.

“The Holy Gun of Nazareth!” The hobo exclaimed. And that was enough for me.

Well, I figure I’m as smart as anyone, stop snickering you. Anyway, I wanted to see this dragon, maybe take a selfie or two and of course, grab some gold for my trouble. I wrote down the pungent man’s directions and trekked off into the woods.

After walking for hours in the woods, I’d finally found my prey: The Great Dragon Halitosis. He seemed harmless enough then, sleeping like some giant silver-coated kitten on his hoard of gold. You already know that part, judging by our surroundings, so I’ll keep this other part brief. 

I got my selfies, then tip-toed around the mound. Just as I grab a shiny golden eagle coin, one of the great dragon’s large eyes opened. I admit, for a moment I froze, as if the big lizard wouldn’t see me if I was still as a statue. But he noticed me, for I was standing about an arms-length away from his nose.

He raised his huge, horny head, yawned, then looked down at me. Like a sixth sense kicking in, I felt aware of everything and time passed slow. The cave was quiet. The air now was thick with smell of giant lizard. My leg became warmed with my urine. I looked meekly up at Halitosis, then slowly pulled out the Holy Gun.

The great dragon made a sound that could only be a sigh. I swear his giant eyes looked disappointed.

Before I could fire the gun, Halitosis swallowed me whole. The gun’s still out there. Maybe someone will come along and give it a shot before we’re digested.

So how did you guys get here? Anyone have cell phone service?


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