I see you

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: September 27, 2018

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Submitted: September 27, 2018

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I see you I see your ugly head peaking out through my clouded thoughts Your always there Whether im sleeping or awake your always around Our relationship is the longest ive had and i cant even remember when you took over my life A- any and every scenario is a possiblity N- no, i cant deal with those sugar packets being in such disarray X- .... we will come back to X later I- i hate who you make me become E- everyone is out to hurt me T- tragedy is the only outcome i expect Y- you cant dream if you never sleep When did the lines between organization and obsession start to blur Why is it necessary for me to fall faster than i can get back up My legs are shaking as fast as my heart is beating because any sort of motion keeps the monsters at bay The monsters peek up in uncomfortable situations but what can i do when every situation is an uncomfortable one? I cant promise you a happy life I cant promise you that i wont drive you crazy because i will I will crave control in ways that you will have a problem with I will hide myself from you in more ways than one But I can promise you that i will remember every single eye lash that i picked up off your cheek hoping that i am what you will be wishing for I can promise you that i will count every single breath youve taken since we met and lock it away for when i have an attack and cant breathe Because it will happen I will use all my strength to not lose myself in front of you but what if i already gave myself to you without knowing? I will kiss you until i feel like it is perfect I will touch you until you become part of my everyday routine I will memorize every freckle Every laugh line Every stray hair that refuses to stay in place It will drive me crazy The fact that your beauty will become one more obssession that i wont be able to control A- always looking over my shoulder N- never feeling like its perfect X- ..... still got nothing for the x I- i need to to lock the door one more time just to make sure E- every door in my head is covered with beware signs T- the hours ive lost counting the specks on my ceiling will never be known Y- yes, i can see that my hands are shaking I am my biggest fear I fear that i will lose control I fear that i wont be able to keep myself from hurting you I fear that you will see the monster inside me that claws its way closer to my heart with each passing day It uses my rib cage as a jungle gym and my lungs as a pair of stress balls Sometimes it is 10ft tall and other times it is the devil sitting on both my shoulders It has a voice that sounds too similiar to my own It knows every single weakness Every insecurity Every dream that was taken and turned into a nightmare When did i start looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at me? My eyes are two vacant rooms that nobody wants to stay in Why? Why? Why? My questions have continued to go unanswered because maybe im not asking the right ones A- am i good enough yet? N- no, you know you will never be. X- the only x that keeps coming to mind is the X seared onto my heart to remind me that im always wrong I- i want you to see me for who i am and not what i have E- everything is not okay T- the road in my head is a treacherous one Y- your the light at the end of this fucked up tunnel Im waiting Im waiting for you to accept me and the monster inside Im waiting for me to accept me and the monster inside Im waiting for the monster inside to break free and give some sense of peace I want to rip my wrists open until i can see the monster bleed out drop by drop But that wont fix the problem will it? The monster will weasle its way through my open wounds and go back to its den right on top of my stomach It will sleep its day away only to wake up to punch its bed every few hours to remind me not to do anything rash To remind me that i never really had control A- always the shoulder never the one crying N- never will i forget the way your eyes dulled once you saw who i was X- xanax can taste like skittles if you close your eyes and take the whole bottle I- inject me with something that can take the pain E- ever had your thumb on the trigger but was too afraid to pull it? T- taming the monster is out of the question when im the one on the leash Y- yes, i see you. I am the monster.


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