The Ten Day Loop

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
For Ten Days, I was infatuated.

Submitted: September 29, 2018

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Submitted: September 29, 2018

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Day One, our eyes glanced at each other and I saw a vision. A vision of love and consequence, a vision built on the foundation of fantasy. I envisioned a life much different from my reality; I envisioned a World where we were together as a couple, in a fantasy land where the most important thing in your World was me because in reality you were already the most exciting visage in my angst-ridden anguish.

Day Two, my first thought was of you, which would prove to be a consistent pattern. I fantasised again, this time, it was about talking to you, which involved creating various elaborate scenarios in which you’d discover that you were infatuated with me too. We would reminisce on this encounter on our tenth anniversary, with a jovial laugh as a reminder to what forged this connection between us.

Day Three, the day I learned your name and I learned where you were from and yes what I learned about you was minimal, but it helped to fuel the fire of fantasy. I became more infatuated by your beauty and your presence, you were my unobtainable dream but I was determined to wake up and remember that dreams can end. I was also pondering at this point about what would end the dream? Would it be me speaking to you? Would it be my clumsy and awkward demeanour? Would it be the fact that you had a boyfriend? Would it be because you didn’t like me back? I was certain that something wouldn’t go right, even though it felt like it would.

Day Four, I was praying that you were single, because I couldn’t stomach the thought of never getting the chance of getting to know you, this made me want to make inquiries but I thought that I would faith would find a way because I had a good feeling about you. I had a feeling that I was supposed to meet you, because there are very few people who come into my life and change it in the substantial manner that you did.

Day Five, I saw you sitting alone. I saw an opportunity to speak to you. I created a million conversations in my mind between us, positive, negative, pointless and interesting conversations which might have led me to knowing and understanding you a little better, but I couldn’t bring myself to waste your time because I felt so unworthy of wasting any of your precious time, even for a split second.

Day Six, I never saw you today and I missed you. You are a complete stranger and I missed you, that shouldn’t make any sense but nothing has ever felt or seemed clearer, even in the midst of my overwhelming over thinking, because I understood my intense infatuation, even the irrational illogical elements. I also wonder if you think of me when you don’t see me. Do you even know who I am? I hope you do.

Day Seven, I saw you sitting alone again and you looked at me, candidly albeit briefly and for the first time, I really truly and honestly felt that there might be a realistic chance that you might be fantasising about me too. I once again imagined a million scenarios where we had a conversation, the most prominent being that I hoped you would be courteous and polite to me when you told me that you had a boyfriend, because no one who possesses this incomprehensible amount of beauty stays alone for very long or else I hoped that you would crack a smile when you said that I wasn’t your type because at least then I could have a beautiful reminder of rejection rather than another existential crisis, but of course, my courage failed me.

Day Eight, We were put in the same group, I gave myself a new name because I couldn’t stand the thought of you saying my name, when I introduced myself, you smiled at me and I felt like I could have taken Anthony Joshua in the first round in that moment. I like to think that I made you smile, because that was my victory, even if I felt like I was in a losing battle.

Day Nine, I saw you speaking to my friend and I was puzzled at the connection, how did you know him? Is he your boyfriend? I needed to know but I wasn’t ready to end my infatuation and face up to what I already felt that I knew; that you were taken and I was just a boy admiring a girl in some sort of juvenile fantasy. I knew now how to talk to you, I knew how to engage in a conversation and I was determined to wait until you were on your own so that I could entice you with some rigid lexicology, as you seemed to be a fan too.  

Day Ten, I discovered that you were in a long-term relationship. I had a feeling that this was the case, but it hurts to discover that no matter what I might have done differently, some other boy has your heart and I would never compare. The many futures I had imagined had disintegrated abruptly.

You didn’t break my heart; I broke my own by living in a fantasy. I should’ve never have wasted my time conjuring up so many whimsical fantasies based on a flawed premise designed to make me and you a possibility. I should have let you live your life and I should never have made you a priority when you already had one. I don’t hold any ill-will towards you, in fact, I barely know you but the second I met you I was prepared to give the World.

I couldn’t give you my heart and you couldn’t break it, and yet it still travels with you when you leave and it seems that it shall remain there until the day comes when I meet someone who wants it. Through my ten days in a loop, the torrid tedium of my mundane life had a flash of exhilaration and it was magnificent. Now, normal service resumes because the invigorating essence of my dream has died a death and I shall return to the monotony of life.

I wonder if you knew how I felt about you, what way would feel. Would you be flattered? Would you feel weird? Would you feel awful? Would you even care? I hope you never find out because you never need to know how I felt, and while you might have bore a huge significance in my life for a week and a half, there will never be a day in your life where I am a significant figure, whose presence makes you feel excited, because there is a man who already gets to do that and that is okay, because at least someone makes you feel this way, even if it isn’t me.

Logically, I should not be writing this, because a minor fascination with a complete stranger is not worth a story but if I ever have to tell you, for whatever reason, at least I have articulated the words so that you can understand in some small way just how significant you were. I shall remain in the tedious cycle of loneliness and I can accept that. I enjoyed the way you made me feel despite never breathing more than seven words in my direction. All I can say is Thank you. At least I know the answers to many of my questions and I can at least bask in the relief that the end of this loop had brought me.


© Copyright 2018 Padraig O'Carroll 22. All rights reserved.

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