The Art of Loving You

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Letters to Him

Submitted: October 01, 2018

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Submitted: October 01, 2018

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I’ve been struggling with whether or not I should do this for well over a year. At first I was scared it wouldn’t be received. So much anger, hurt, and betrayal colored the way you looked at me. And it was well deserved. And then we tried again. And I felt a false sense of security, so I tucked away the thought. And then you left and I thought if I could just talk to you and smother you with my presence and “I love you’s” it would mean the same. It wasn’t. But it didn’t stop us from trying again. And that time, I really thought it was getting better. And it wasn’t. It wasn’t for you at all. At that point I represented everything you hated. And I finally realize that while  I know you still love me, it was like I was rubbing it your face. It was unintentional, it wasn’t my hope to ever continue to make you live in pain, but just by me being there...it was. And I’m so truly sorry. 

 

And I’m not even really sure why I decided that now was the time. But I just can’t let you go so easily. I just have this overwhelming sense that we just belong. And God I’ve tried to move on. In phases. At first I was angry you had left again. So I fell back into being selfish. I wanted you to hurt. I wanted you to suffer. But I broke my own heart feeling that way. It was exhausting. It was ugly. It was so supremely selfish, and I became the very person I tried to make you believe I wasn’t....again. I was a hypocrite, and I ended up hating myself. In the end, you never deserved to even feel that way in the first place. So I changed myself, I changed my thoughts, I changed my beliefs on what Love really was. 

 

And I just don’t understand why I never communicated with you like this in the first place. My words, my thoughts are best left to being written out. When I speak, I’m awkward, it never comes out the way I mean, it never even really feels authentic. And I know that’s one of the reasons why you said you didn’t believe me when I talked to you. I was trying so hard to make you believe me because I truly was being real about it all, but there it was. Just words. Words that I should have never even assumed you would trust. 

 

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I always grew up being taught that no matter what you forgive. It was naive and I realize now it only works that way if someone chooses to forgive you. And even if they WANT to forgive you, sometimes they can’t. And it doesn’t make them a horrible person. And it doesn’t mean they will have a horrible life. It’s a gift. And it’s always an undeserved gift. But what if they just don’t have enough in them to give that gift even if they truly want to? What if the greatest act of love is not forgiveness at all. What if it’s respect. And space. And time to heal. What if the greatest gift is just that. The gift of letting them go. And when they have healed, however long that takes, what if the greatest gift is allowing them to make the choice to have you in their lives on their own terms, or to not have you in their life at all. I’ve learned that taking the “ME” out of the equation and allowing the “YOU” to be number one is the only real honest act of love I can ever give you. And while I wish circumstances were different and that I could turn the clock back, I can’t. I have to let it be. But I also know regardless, you truly are THE GREATEST love I have ever known. And I’m so extremely grateful to have experienced what so many people never have the privilege to in life. 

 

And so I pray for you, every day. For YOUR happiness whatever that may be. In a way I feel like finally I’m supporting you and loving you the way you deserved all along, even if we are apart. And I still search for you in every face and you aren’t there. I compare every person to you and they don’t measure up. The connection I feel to you is so vastly different. You are in my soul, coloring every thing I do in day to day life. I think of you in the little things most. The way I smelled you on the pillows. That smell, god that smell, is sadly gone now. The way you just felt like home. And part of my literal heart is missing. But I’m sad and happy at the same time because there is no one I’d rather be the owner of that piece of me. That special part that no one ever can or will have. It’s yours, and it always will be. 

 

I can’t promise to fix any of this or if it’s even possible. All I know is that all we have is now. This moment. I can’t worry about tomorrow or yesterday. What I have to work with is today.  And I felt so compelled to share these things with you. It’s been a perpetual lump in my throat. These words have been burning to be written- if that makes any sense at all. This is me. This is my whole heart. It’s all the jumbled words I’ve never been able to express clearly. It’s the only way I know how to show you how much I truly love and appreciate you for who you are. The only way to show you how grateful I am for you, for what you’ve taught me about life, about love, about myself. And it’s the only way to show you I’m 100% behind you in all that you do in life. And above all else it’s the only way to show you how much I wish for your happiness and peace. 

 

Not in my arms, but forever in my heart.

 

Bethany 

 


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