My Yearning Killed Everything Love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Losing something before it had a chance to begin.

Submitted: October 04, 2018

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Submitted: October 04, 2018

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Beckoned by his words I took the leap. From my back sprouted no wings. Closing my eyes I smiled. He was surely at the bottom. My faith never faltered. Blinded by false hope I hit the ground.

It was over a decade ago when I stumbled into the life of an angel. He was staggering. Carved on his face was a smile that could burn a city to its ground; complemented by full eyes that held the mystery of an unread book. He was beautiful. Attracted by his embers, I walked into the arms of a burning man. Without hesitation he let me past the flames, engulfing me in his warmth.

We wrote as if we had always been a part of each other’s lives. Blind, I jumped. Barely breaking the surface of who he was, I fell for the piece of him I had come to know. He planted a part of himself in me. Enriched with the babble of his days it grew. Flourishing alongside it was my adoration for him. He was a stranger that felt like home. With thoughts stained of him I painted my dreams. Days added into years, taunted by the idea of us, my head was filled with endless reveries.

He was dauntingly perfect. The mere idea of standing in front of him intimidated me. He dabbled in anything and held the unnerving ability to be good at everything. I was in awe of what he had accomplished. Eager in my mind laid the idea of him sharing his knowledge. There would be nothing I wasn’t willing to learn if it was taught at his hands. 

With the touch of his words I gave myself over, leaving my being under his influence. I was hot with fever procured from a language he created for us. Begging for air to fill my lungs, my lips were left breathless. Making my body dance he willed the curve of my mouth, the blush in my skin, and the goosebumps on my flesh. Encouraging me to tell him what I wanted, I let him in.

The deeper I lead him into my mind the tighter his hold on me became. Everything I sent him was unfiltered. He brought a hunger out of me I didn’t know existed. My tongue was raw from the honesty that dripped from it. My body ached for his touch. With no effort he eased his way into my chest. My butterflies stirred as he slowly consumed me. Heaven was not a place but a person.

Every attempt to meet was failed. Though, the idea of meeting never faltered. His words teased me with a vision of that day. I was a romantic left hopeless. Close enough to want, too far to touch. It became glaringly obvious that there was never a choice. As long as he existed I would be his. He kept me at a safe distance. Knowing well if he called I would come. He fed me just enough to never leave.

He was the sun, shinning so bright that there was never a shadow of doubt. Time could only keep us apart for so long. Years proved to have the ability to separate us but never the tools to sever our tie. We always found our way back to one another. Foolishly I believed we were meant to be.

 Awakened by the emptiness, my reality had become a nightmare. The angel, who held me with his words, left. He flew away from the edge I so willingly walked off of. Expecting his arms the cold ground came as a shock. My world was shattered into one thousand one hundred fragments. The hope I had so tightly gripped onto was torn from my hands. On my lips, where lingering kisses should have been placed, stung questions. What was I worth if he left without a farewell?

Did this only exist in my head? The flames he once protected me from now consumed me. Gasping for breath, my lungs filled with smoke. My tears fought to extinguish the burning hole inside me. My mind was blistered with questions and blackened by answers. The fire left nothing but a hollow chest cavity.

Charred were the thoughts of a life I would never experience. His laugh would never be familiar to my ears. I would never step on my toes to reach his lips. My arms would never hold him on a bad day. My lips would never kiss him on a good one. I would never fall down attempting to learn something he taught. He would never make me giggle or squeal with utter excitement. He would never pull me into his arms or bury his head in my neck. I would never know how his fingers felt between mine. I would never feel the strength of his hands or the warmth of his arms.

Were we ever anything or were we always nothing? All I had were the words he wrote me and even those had become unbelievable. With nothing left to burn, the fire smoldered out. The cold reality, that we would live an entire life without ever meeting, rang loud in my ears. Curious to how much pain I could endure I allowed myself to wonder what “enough” was. What did that look like to him?

 

Me,

 “My friend thinks you are the one.”

 Him,

 “Maybe she is on to something.”


© Copyright 2019 Jessica Montooth. All rights reserved.

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