The book of vivid memories

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: October 13, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 13, 2018



It was raining just a little but enough to make muddy puddles all over an avenue which was adorned with the chestnut trees. The scene was enough beautiful as it can be in early autumn. Full of transiency colors which can only remind an innocent walker on his passage. So, it was with this walker who was passing the avenue trying to breathe as much fresh air as it possible at a high level of humidity on that day.

What are you looking down there in a mud buy? A big shadow of the old man was thick behind a little boy who was kneeling in the mud anxiously searching for something. His hands were so deep into the puddle that they were just visible from point of the elbows. The face of a childish innocence was covered with mud stripes on several spots. Eyes were sad, worried, on the edge to cry in every moment.

My marble sir. Said the boy not even looking at the strange person near him. Still anxiously searching in the muddy puddle.

It must worth it a lot if you are getting all sludgy just for it.  The old man said sarcastically with that stupid approach which grown-ups always make to kids. Leaning towards him, trying to make some point how dominant and smarter they are. Because they think there are grown up humans, they have seen and learned a lot. But between you and me they have never stopped dreaming like there young descendants.

Yes, sir, it’s worth a lot… The boy made a break to swallow his urge to cry…That marble is all my life sir?

It can’t be? Are you serious?... Literally all your life?! How is that, my boy?! He continued sarcastically to shrug the boy.

You see sir I care a lot for that marble. I earned it in a game. You could feel the pride in his voice as he spoke.

You care for marble. Oh, my poor, innocent boy, you will find out that there is a more important thing in life to care about. For example, you should care more about your family, friends, school, even how to get a chocolate bar for free. Trust me on a word kid in a few years you will forget for that marble and you will laugh on this scene.

You are right sir. That will happen for sure.

But if you know that why are you still looking for it? Getting all muddy and wasting time on it?

As you said, sir, all of these will pass and for sure that some other things will come and I will care more about them, but sir don’t forget they will pass too.

Nicely said for a young boy like you but your family, friends they won't pass. You will always have them.

Sir, of course, they will. We are all going to pass someday. You will pass this avenue I will pass my searching. Passing is essential we have just the opportunity not to be afraid of it. 

You are some smart kid, I see. Aren’t you? I just don’t understand why the marble?

Sir, it’s not about what you are looking for it’s about finding something for which you care about in a moment or in a lifetime. Time doesn’t matter, it is here just to remind us on transience. On the contrary getting muddy and dirty for what you care even for just a moment does matter.

Kid, you are just loony a little bit.

Sir could you just leave me alone to look for my marble in peace.

Fine, fine I will leave

And thank you, sir.

What for?

Thank you for caring what I do and why I really appreciate that




Nice things can happen to you.

No, they can’t.

Why are you so afraid to be happy? Just let yourself go.

I can’t be happy. I’m not afraid of happiness. Don't think less of me. I’m just afraid of what is coming after. Sooner or later that what you call happiness will disappear and emptiness from it will hurt more, so it is just easier to be unhappy all the time. Let's say that I'm more prepared on what is coming. 

So, you want to tell me that you can’t be happy because you are afraid you might be fucked up at some point? Of course, you will be fucked up that isn't even questionable. But live in a moment buddy, smile for a moment, let go for a moment and definitely, that moment will pass and all the moments will pass once. Everything will end eventually. So just smile, we are already fucked up by death if nothing else. Smiling or not smiling, that won’t matter at the moment of dying.

You haven't understood me, my friend. I didn’t say that I'm unhappy that I’m alive, of course, I’m happy. This is life is so fucked up that must be wonderful. It’s beautiful, it’s wonderful. But you just need to understand me that I’m tired to seek happiness outside of my existence, I can’t fake my smiles just to approve society that I’m satisfied with my life. That would be a lie, and for some stupid reason, I don’t like to lie to myself.

Stop, stop stop! I’m getting confused and it’s not because of the several bloody pints of IPA you’re just fuckin crazy! So, you want to tell me that you are happy but you don’t want to show it or that you are tired to seek happiness or both? JUST explain me, please.

That what you call seeking for happiness is just one more unreachable imaginary path for one human being. Seeking happiness and never be truly happy is the same human curse as seeking freedom but being locked in boxes of rules and producers of society which make our life “easier”.

No, don’t lie. I have never told you that seeking happiness is a thing. I told you to be happy in a moment, to be alive as you said. We obviously understand each other about the definition of happiness so please explain to me just why not showing it, why do you need to hide it?

First of all, I’m not hiding it I’m just not showing others my deepest observations of this world and life. Is that an issue? I don’t see it like that. Of course, you can say that I’m afraid if I’m not showing my emotions just for a reason of fear and that is maybe partly true. I will ask you something that is on my mind for a long time now. Why people have that urge to share their “happiness” with others? Are they may be that much insecure in their “happiness” so they need some other identity to tell them that they are one happy person. Man you see, I don’t need that, I don’t need some random identities in my life to tell me how I feel. I’m more than secure in my feelings. I know what I feel because the way I feel, it’s a unique way as well as everyone else in this world. Everyone has their own ways, but it seems to me that many of them are not really sure in their way.

Isn’t in human nature to be social, to belong to a society? Are we not meant to share our observations in the name of human prosperity? For sure it helped us till now, why do you think differently when all human progress is based on sharing ideas, emotions, inspiration?

Again, you haven’t fully understood me. I don’t have anything against sharing ideas and observations. I was talking about an emotional observation of world which is unique for every person but yet many of us are traying to make it socially boxed as I mention freedom. We are trying more to look happy for others filling all social norms and forgetting our true unique happiness inside us. One can try to share their emotions with others but humans are still not capable to wholly express their raw emotions in any way. They always end misunderstood.

Why didn’t you respond like that after my first question? You're talking nonsense here and pulling me up while my beer is warming up. 


© Copyright 2019 David E. Rockefeller. All rights reserved.

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