Reads: 539

July 21, 2018

 

It’s been three months since you left. Every day, the hurt grows stronger. They tell me that this will pass. They’re fucking idiots. Sorry, honey. But it’s true. I have no idea how I’m supposed to do this without you. The kids don’t understand. Sometimes I think they already moved on. This whole stupid diary thing was Christopher’s idea, if you couldn’t tell. He says that since I can’t talk to them about it, I may as well write my thoughts down. It’s not that I can’t talk about it. I just know they don’t want to hear about it. They sit there on the couch, while I bawl my eyes out. Not that I blame them, I don’t. I wouldn’t know what to say, either.

Where should I begin with this stupid thing? I’ve never done anything like this. I guess I should try and catch you up on the kids. Christopher and Courtney are busy planning their dream wedding. Lord knows what it’s going to cost. I’m just glad I don’t have to pay for it. I keep telling him he needs to focus on his schoolwork. Then again, he never did listen to me. Always was a mama’s boy. Oh, well. He’s happy. That’s all that matters. As long as he gets his degree!!! I joked with him, saying he was gonna use this journal as part of his thesis. He laughed, but it seemed a little forced. Lord knows that after you left, I’d make a helluva head case for him. They come around to check on me every couple of days. It’s fine, keeps the loneliness away. But sometimes, I can see more in their eyes than they’re letting on. I see pity, and that hurts almost as much as losing you.

As for Elijah… where did we go wrong with him? Kathryn, I’m so glad you don’t have to see him. He’s currently serving four months for aggravated assault. Got into a bar fight, him and his loser friends. Sounds like a riot happened at the bar. Everybody got off lightly, except for Eli. The worst part is, he got Christopher involved, too! He could’ve lost everything. That was the night they told us about their engagement. They went out to celebrate. That was our last night together…

I’ve tried to see him a couple times, but it just hurts too much to see him like that. He tells me he’s got his mind right, that he’s got plans. He’ll do better once he gets out. It’s just… I don’t know if I can fall for that anymore. With you gone, I realize now how absent I was, and how out of touch I am. I have no idea how to be a father, and now it’s too late to learn.

I ran into Wayne Jessup at the grocery store last Tuesday. Apologized for not making it to your funeral. Know what his excuse was? Apparently, he doesn’t handle funerals very well. Who the hell does?! He also says they miss me at the weekly poker game. Says I’m always welcome, and getting out might do me some good. I’ve thought about going back, but I know I’ll just bring the room down. Maybe someday. We’ll wait and see.

He did compliment me, though. He was impressed with how much weight I’ve lost. Asked me what my secret was. Oh, you know. Grief. Takes the flavor out of everything. He wasn’t much on thinking, I’ll give you that. I’m beginning to understand why you never liked him much. As it is, though, I think you’d be pleasantly surprised. I’ve finally lost that 40 lbs. you’ve been nagging me about. Ha-ha. It’s true, though. It’s hard to eat, when everything tastes like nothing. I’m sure the doctor will be happy, too. I’ve got an appointment to see him in about an hour. Seems there’s a nasty flu going around town right now. News is urging everyone to get the shot, especially old fogies like us.

Guess I should go and get ready. It’s hard for me to even walk out the door now. I’ve always had you with me to face the world. You wanna know what I felt, the night I came home alone from the hospital? Beyond the tears, the anger, the pain? I was scared. I’ve never been that scared in all my life. Suddenly, I was alone. For the first time in over 30 years.

This isn’t how it was supposed to be! We always joked how I was supposed to die first. And now, here I am. Alone, and I never even got the chance to say good-bye. I miss you Kathryn. So fucking much.

 


Submitted: October 15, 2018

© Copyright 2023 B.P. Banker. All rights reserved.

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