My Mistake And Regret

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is the second version of 'My First Love Destiny" on the point of view of the female character in different time elapse. She realizes what a mistake she was in and how she hides in another man shadow but sudden events lead to the past again.
*This is a basic whole different story but a slight connection with the first version*

Submitted: October 22, 2018

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Submitted: October 22, 2018

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After everything that we had gone through, I destroy everything… Your love for me wasn’t what I had been looking for, at that time we were still young and childish. I was foolish to believe in you and chase your footstep when I could have gone with him…  and now I am choosing him over you. You had forced me to my end and he had become my escape route even though I still love you. Should have history repeated itself for us to be satisfied with our love story? My love for you is eternal but I had been taint by your meaningless words. You shouldn't have done what you had done and lost me so painfully if you once had thought of just me and not your own selfishness. If we can start over again I will never choose him… and be by your side forever, but fate had already been decided.
 
***
 
Was your body used to be so warm like this? Even now I am still chained to your lies. Laying down on your naked chest listening to your heartbeat closely into the silent night and looking up at your sleeping face… I regret everything. My feelings for you are like the day and night.
 
I get up, pushing my hair behind my ear and lean into your face closing my eye for a kiss on your lip… I remember how his lip was soft and warm, fluffy like cotton.
 
“My love,” I whisper regretfully. Giving him a second look, feeling heavy in my chest like it can drop into the bottom of the ocean, I slide out of the bed. The curtain is open with slight of air coming in from the crack on the open window letting in the moonlight shining on my black hair flowing back as I get out of the bed letting the moonlight shine on the empty side of the bed with pettiness.
 
Getting dress I take the key and lock the door behind me, walking down the staircase and out the front door of his apartment; into the icy cold weather. The wind is blowing heavily making my hair fly all over the place blocking my view, the street light blinks as I walk by that seem like it will fade one day eventually.
 
Crossing my arms to block the wind, with my high heels clacking on the empty street, a sudden beep come out of nowhere scaring me for a second making my heart jumps. I look around and see a car sliding down its window, feeling a bit nervous his face pop into my head as I shake it off when I walk toward the car.
 
He comes out the car and pushes me into the car seat kissing me forcefully holding both of my hand to prevent me from pushing him away. As he moves away, he looks up at my eye like a puppy with his lips still touching mine. I look up and down from his eye and lips feeling heavy; he opens his lips touching my face with his hand running through my hair and softly said, “I miss you… Come back to me.” I can still feel his lips on mine burning with passion, his words are taking away my breath making my heart plump in pain.
 
“Am sorry...Kashi, I had chosen Mike over you, didn’t you already choose the path you want to go during that time when you decided to leave me behind.” I look up at his face with his hand still on me making me unbearable to keep that eye contact with him. I want to tell him how I really feel but there are things that need to be left unsaid to keep the wheel of fate going.
 
He looks deep into my eye and moves away slowly from me.“That year when I told you to go to him and move on from me, you insisted to stay by my side and now?”
 
“Things had changed since the day you left me, you thought we were still together but I had gone to Mike.”
 
“Then why did you let me found out? Tell me that you don’t love me since that day,” he insisted looking at me with pain in his eye.
 
Don’t force me to do this. “I don’t want to lie since that day I didn't love you anymore.” Please just hate me for this, it too late to restart everything again. Am sorry but it just not possible anymore since the day you left me. “I already had cheated on you with Mike. I mean it.”
 
I open the door to the car and ready to leave with my body already halfway out but at that second he takes my arm and pushes me back to his side. “Just one last hug, I want to remember your smell and body,” he whispers into my ear.
 
In this instance I want to cry, my heart is crying in pain inside me. I know everything is my fault. I want to tell you how much I love you right now. Can you hear my heart screaming for your love, I regret everything. A tear drip down my cheek and keep flowing down with him still hugging me so tight. Can we just restart everything again, I want you, my pain for you is unbearable. I want to cry in your arms, laugh with you and smile with you, why can’t it be you? Why did I let everything became like this, why? I try to not make any sound with both my eye running down like a river. My heart keeps beating in pain, it wants to go crazy and hold on to you.
 
“I still love you no matter what even if one day I decided to lie to you and tell you I don’t love you anymore. Please be happy without me in your life.”
 
No, please don’t say those to my poor heart, I want to tell you that I love you too. Please. My heart wants to die living like this, I had already chosen my path, I can't turn back anymore. Why does god keep forcing us apart? My love, love… love. I love you. I love you. Am sorry. If we can restart again I am willing to give you my love instead of betraying you. Everything is too late for us.
 
I nip his neck and hold his body tight one last time, I can smell him all over this car. I push back a little and hold his face with my hand and push my lips against his. His lip is so sweet and warm as always with his face so handsome in my eye. “I love you,” a truck pass by bleeping like mad thunder. In that second I feel stupid, that truck took away my voice. I open the car door and walk out and this time he didn’t stop me but I was too afraid to turn back and look. The wind takes away my tear leaving my face dry with marks.
 
The moment I step into the apartment he appears before my sight. “Were you with him? Has he not hurt you enough? Why you went out and meet him?” Mike aggressively speak.
 
I glance at him while taking off my heels. “You ask too much question.” I glance at his naked body,
 
“Why don't you put on a shirt, it chilly outside.”
 
“Don’t change the topic,”
 
 “You are not here to question me but to be by my side. He hurting me or not is none of your business, all it matter if he still loves me. I already had chosen you over him so you shouldn’t be asking more.”
 
“Kirarin,” he shouts my whole name and pushes me onto the wall. “I am not here for you to use me or to keep you happy from time to time.”
 
“Why are you mad for? You can leave if you want to… Doesn’t everyone leave me in the end, he left me in the weakness moment of his life, am I supposed to be mad at him too? I have enough of being played around and getting hurt. You are the only one by my side now so stop hurting me, I don’t want history to keep repeating on me, the future is too scary for me to predict. Plus.” I look at him, “ Only he can I be warm, anybody else can't get a bit of my kindness nor attention, you should know that by now, Mike.”
 
“Things doesn’t always go your way just because you want it to,” he picks up a shirt
laying down on the floor and put it on.
 
“You don’t have to remind me of my own mistake… things can’t return to how it was. Tomorrow is just a new day that everything will become confusing.”
 
I lay down on the bed and rethink of everything that has happen between us and pain uncontrollable start pounding inside my chest with memories flashing by my head. I can't control myself anymore after seeing you tonight, my feelings want to pop out into the surface asking for your love. Would you come back if I tell you the truth of my lies that I had told you? But why are you so confusing when you are the one who walked away into the empty street that day leaving me behind and now you choose to come back into my life.
 
While my thought keeps wandering into space, my alarm clock already starts calling for my attention, looking outside the window with my half dead eye, I can see the snow had covered up the entire window leaving a total white view blinding my sleepy eye. A flash of thought appear and disappear as fast as light into the deepest part of my memories and I somehow can't recall what I had been thinking about leaving my head with a headache.
 
“Are you still not gonna get out of bed,” his voice jump out from thin air giving me a heart attack.
 
“Your alarm had ring past 20 min already,” he pops his head into the room leaving his body hidden by the wall.
 
“I had been laying here for so long already, huh.” I stare at him, a body-less body looking head.
 
“What time is it,” is the only thing that came to mind.
 
“We have a date today, you forgot? That was what the alarm was for, to wake you up. Get ready and let go for a walk and please just stop staring at me, your eye gives me the creep at the moment.”
 
“Not my fault,” I blush. How could he say something like that to a girl? “Rude you know,” he laughs.
 
“Come quick, I made breakfast,” he says and left me alone in peace and that quietness makes me depressed again in my own little world.
 
Everything that I see now has become a shadow for his face, laying on this wide empty bed staring up at the ceiling makes me remember how he hugs me closed in his arms every night with him breathing up close to my lips that seem to be calling to kiss him. “His lips are like heaven candy upon touching mine,” whispering to myself.
 
I slide out the bed and walks to the window with my bare foot, I put my hand on the crack feeling the slight wind blowing in as I open the window to it highest. The wind blows the snow inward with the snow that was attracted to the window into the room leaving my hair flying backward. I turn around and I can see the snow sparking into the room; I sit down on the window feeling the fresh air blowing in onto my back with a depressing face while I put one leg up with my face laying on it and my head onto the side of the wall.
 
If only things can last and won’t fade away. My voice wants to reach your ear with my voice echoing the words I love you into your heart, are you thinking about me right now. Yesterday was like a dream, your body was next to me and you told me that you want me back but I can't go back anymore. I betray you and went to Mike but you were the one to walk away in the first place. Am scared for history to repeat itself over again and again.
 
“Kira,” Mike screams. “I know I shouldn't have trust you for getting up, look at all the snow on the ground.”
 
“Let go out, I want fresh air,” I look at him ignoring the problem I had started.
 
“Now? But..”
 
‘Yes now,” I stop him from finishing his sentence. I put on my big jacket and slide in my shoes taking his coat with me as I drag him out the house holding his hand into the street leaving the door unlock. “Let forget everything and enjoy our day together,” I scream into the air with only a slight of people in view on the street.
 
“Hey, what got into you,” Mike asked putting his heavy arms around my neck breathing onto me with eyes that seem to be asking for a little too much.
 
“Nothing much, just want some air. Can’t you feel that goodness going in you,” I slide out from his arm and run with my arm in the air and as I turn around my smiling face have turned to a frown?
 
Mike run towards me smiling like an idiot and hug me without knowing what gonna happen.
In that instant when Mike looks up at me still holding onto me, his body has been thrown backward onto the ground landing on pitful of snow. “Her body is not someone like you that can lay your finger on.” It is him, Kakashi… I look at him as he turns his direction from Mike to me staring at me for a good minute.
 
“Who the hell you think you are,” Mike get up from the ground and takes his fist onto Kakashi jacket looking up at him.
 
“You have no right to be by her side,” he pushes him apart.
 
“You think you have the right then?” Mike screams onto Kakashi face and takes my arm and run back to his apartment leaving Kakashi standing there. I rethought of the whole scene that just happens and a smile form on my face laughing in a whisper while Mike keeps dragging my arm back in his apartment.
 
“Should had known going out wasn’t a good idea,” he looks at me. “You seem to be quite happy seeing me getting punch by that unworthy guy.”
 
To be honest, you are the unworthy one. You are kinda annoying at some time going into business when I don't need you to. “Why would I be happy seeing you hurt? Am at your side.”
 
“You want to go back to his side,” he questions me with doubt.
 
Yes. “No, am with you. I Am not interest in going back, didn't I already told you I had picked you.”
 
He blurts out, “You should know he is just playing you like a chess piece, you are just his pawn in his little game if you give him a piece of your mind you will just lose into his control. Don't let him win the game, I had warned you too much already,” he shouts aggressively.
 
“Yes, I know; stop doubting me for once.” I am the weak one to be in your control, I am the pawn in your chess, not his… Mike. The one I regret choosing is you that I can't forget this guilt in my chest for leaving with you when you found me crying that night when he left me behind when he asked me to go back to you and I went with you to your bedroom, I will never forgive myself that night.
 
“What are you daydreaming about,” he looks into my eye trying to see through me.
 
“It none of your business.” My guilt is coming back to me again. “You should know I will never love you, you might have taken advantage of me but I will never be fully yours. I can leave right now if I want,” I look at him.
 
“If you can and wanted to leave, you would have left long ago. All I need is you being here, I won't cheat on you or abandon you.”
 
“Am sorry… I think I might leave this time, he had come back to my life; I don't need your company anymore.”
 
“You are just gonna get hurt going back to him, I can give you the world, just stay with me.” I can see his eye filling up with tears.
 
It impossible for me to stop history from repeating, now you are just going through the same pain as I did, I don't want to be used for love or anything. I am not a toy to be used for every command, I never had my life under full control because of such things as love and feeling.
 
“No, I am not going back to anyone... I am just going my own path.” I walk out the door without turning back nor did he chase after me. Approaching the outside door I can see his figure waiting for my appearance. “Have you been here for long,” I question.
 
He walks toward me and when we stand beside each other he put his cold icy hands on my face touching my lips gently with his thumbs. “Will you come back to me this time? I don’t care about what happened in the past, let start a new future together.” He kneels down on one foot and put out his hands for me to either agree and take him back or walk away. At that moment I reach out my hand to his and lay upon my hand on his, he happily stands up giving me a kiss while still holding on to my hands. “This time I won't let go of your hand.”
 
“You can’t keep me forever but I am here for now.”
 

 


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