Final Facebook Status

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: The Imaginarium
The final Facebook status of a man about to commit suicide.

Submitted: October 24, 2018

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Submitted: October 24, 2018

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“Okay, this is going to be a long one, but if you know me at all, it’s worth reading until the end. I previously told a select few friends about this over the past few months and which I was grateful for the support – I don’t like the idea of my situation being known as ‘gossip’. Everyone gets slightly down and lets life get on top of them occasionally, but for the past 18 months, things seem to have been getting worse as I’ve been gradually spiralling down deeper into what I can now confirm is ‘depression’.

At first, it is brushed off in a casual manor as just a ‘bad day’ or feeling slightly lower than usual, but as it slowly eats away at you day by day until it effects your personal life, sleeping, work and social life. I can’t pinpoint exactly when or how it started for me but I know that I shouldn’t have kept it bottled up inside of me for so long before I deemed it to be an unsolvable issue. I kept comparing myself to people with severe depression and considered myself lucky to not be in their situation – I guess that’s why I never spoke up about it before – I would feel like I was either wasting someone’s time or they would think I was seeking sympathy from somewhere. In reality, I never wanted sympathy as I find it slightly patronising, I wanted help and opinions and ways to get over this constant battle in my head without it being repeated to anyone else.

Being tired all the time, with no motivation to do anything productive, I fell into a vicious cycle of having a sleeping pattern that could range from one hours sleep a night to having a solid 14 hours – and then still feeling run down. I’m struggling to actually put into words what the actual feeling is of being depressed but I guess it’s a mixture of a few things;

  • Tired/ no motivation (as I just stated)
  • No real goals or ambitions for later in life. I feel in a constant cycle of working and forcing myself to socialise (which feels like a task in itself some days)
  •  A feeling of complete self-worthlessness. From a family members point of view, friends or even a partner. How could someone love me or value me enough to justify being around me for that amount of time – sometimes (as terrible as it sounds to say) I feel like I am in people’s lives because I’ve been there for a long time and I’ve just fit the mould.
  • Feeling like I have to mask whatever I am feeling when I’m around my peers. It momentarily helps as it is a glimmer of an uplifting feeling – but in a way, that makes things worse as you know that it is only temporary and will soon be alone again. Well, alone with my thoughts.

 

It is very rare that I let something slip or reveal a small piece of what is actually going on in my mind to anyone as I would hate to have the spotlight shone directly on me. Plus, if I was to tell someone exactly how I feel and get it off my chest, I know no one would want to hear it. As good of a friend as someone can be – nobody wants to listen to me rage and vent for hours on end – which would probably actually help me to just get it off my chest. As I stated before, I didn’t want to waste doctor’s time as I have convinced myself that my personal condition isn’t actually real, but I came up with my own little techniques to try speed up my ‘recovery’ process. I tried recording myself saying all these things floating around in my mind, but nothing would come out so in the end I decided to write them down. I could have done it on a laptop but I thought that with a pen and paper, it would be more heartfelt and hopefully feel like I’m making progress by doing so. Every time I would have a bad day, I would write down exactly what is upsetting me and then write three positive things in my life for every bad point.

This actually worked well for me and suppressed my helpless state momentarily until instead of just having the ‘odd bad day’, it would be four or five days out of seven that I would feel this low. I found that the positive things I would write down were the same ones every time I would write – like when you get used to something so much that you just take it for granted naturally and don’t realise the true value of something anymore.

The next thing I thought of was to actually talk to a few of my friends about it – with nothing more to say other than ‘man – up’ before I’ve even scratched the surface of telling them how I’m feeling, that idea got shot down in flames straight away. Becoming more desperate and itching to talk, I decide to join a private group on Facebook for people suffering with anxiety, depression and any other mental illness. My plan being that if I talk to a complete stranger, I can tell them anything without being judged and without having the knock on effect of people I know finding out and treating it as gossip. Some members agreed to talk in private chat as I still wouldn’t want my thoughts to be public. I agreed to send them a message worded as well as I could listing and explaining what I’m feeling and trying to battle in everyday life. I poured my heart and soul into those messages. As they were private, I thought I should go for it rather than tiptoe around the subject. When I finally got responses, they were all almost the same – a glorified way of saying… “Hang in there… this is what I’m going though….” And then proceed to explain to me their problems whilst completely managing to bypass the heartfelt messages I was writing. I’m all up for helping people out and genuinely trying my best to help someone, but I’ve done that my whole life and just for once I actually want to be selfish and just talk about me – I think I’ve earned that after the amount of times I have gone out of my way to help other people. Plus, I feel I really needed to completely open up to someone – it was getting dangerous just how frequent I was feeling low.

I became very desperate and wanted ANYONE to talk to – without EVERYONE knowing at the same time. I was taking time off work to literally lie in bed all day and do nothing with any of my spare time. So I would spark conversations with people I vaguely know online – hoping to lure them in to a discussion where they’re adamant they could help me or defuse the disgusting feelings I have about myself and life in general. Again, nobody wants any part of it, to hear my story and to aid me in recovering and being back to how I used to be – whatever that feeling was. So, if I have ever spoken to anyone randomly with a usual conversation starter – that isn’t me trying to flirt or befriend anyone – it was me reaching out to you, hoping that you would take the bait that I am offering to you. I’m sorry if it came across like I was a pest or even just an excuse for me to have a moan at someone – but I was desperate and as stupid as it sounds – I thought that was my way out.

Overall, I think the thing that upsets me the most is the fact I actually have no real reason to be depressed. I’ve always had a roof over my head, great family and friends and haven’t ever not been employed since I was 16 – but right now, I’m done. Earlier, I listed things it felt like to be in my situation at the time but now, I can’t even explain it. I wish I would have gotten the idea out of my head that I was annoying people by telling them at the early stages – even if it was a small waste of time and easily fixed, I would rather do that and have my life back rather than the decision I’ve made to do.

To anyone out there suffering in silence – take it from a very sad and lonely man… Talk to someone. Talk to anyone before it’s too late – I’m too far gone now to even think about my life turning around but if you catch it early enough or even just open up to your friends and family about it – they will be able to help. – But they can’t help if you tell them nothing. For everyone I’ve known over the years, it has been a pleasure and I’m sorry if this caused any distress, but my mind is made up.

I’ll see you on the other side.

Mark.”

 

 

 

 

 

I click ‘post’ on the status option of Facebook. Nervous and already feeling like there’s no going back, I turn off my computer and push the revealed piece of rope back into my bag and zip it up. It’s the thickest rope I could find – the last thing I want is for this to go wrong. I know a little spot in the forest down the road.


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