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Comments: 5



Light from the torches flickered across the stone walls. There a group of about twenty women met, safe from anyone who might be looking for them.

“We must not let this distract us! Let us face the truth. We must find a place to leave her!” called out their leader, “I say we leave her in Afleen of Bako. There she will be safe… from everything.”

“But do we disgrace ourselves by abandoning her without her name at least?” someone shouted. 

“Does she have a future here?” asked another.

Their leader looked sternly at them. “I will be leaving a note with her name, and no, she will surely die if she stays here. That is why I will be leaving tonight. I will not return, nor do I care if I disgrace you all. But this has become too dangerous, maybe not for you, but it has for me. And what reward have we received? Are we not all outlaws in the eyes of the people of every kingdom? Nobody wants us! We must give her the best chance, that is why I must leave.”

“But what about her age? She is nearly seven, and has plenty had plenty of memories, of us and this place! You know that when we leave her she will remember everything.”

“Yes. I have thought it all out. I am going to put a spell on her. Make her forget everything. I for one don’t want to know what could happen if she stays. She could die because we were scared!”

“But you are not powerful enough to make it last forever. You know that if you die before she is twenty she’ll remember everything.”

“I have no intentions to die in the next thirty years, Reana.” The woman replied coolly.

Reana spoke again, “But is it not cruel to leave her no memories. Nothing of who she is?”

Their leader was about to answer when a man rushed into the cavern and gasped,

“Thea! It is now or never!”

The woman, Thea, nodded at him. Then turning back to those gathered around her, she said,

“All who want a new life, a new beginning follow me!”

She turned and briskly left the cavern. Only about nine of the women followed her out the large cavern. Those that were left looked around at one another.

“Well… that was interesting. If any of you want to leave, now is the time to speak up.” Reana said.

“Umm… I want to leave, but the only way of life I know is this way. So what should I do?” a young girl asked.

“Then you should go now!” an older woman replied harshly.

With that the young girl ran out of the cavern and in to the underground passages.

“It’s likely she’ll get lost.” Reana said sadly watching her go. The older woman gave a long sigh. “I remember when it was only Valkyrie, but recently common people have been trying to get a different life.”

“Well those who got in certainly got a different life,” Reana replied.

“What are we going to do now? Half of us have gone and with such a high bounty on our heads we can’t go hardly anywhere.”

“We ought to go to Afleen and go watch her and make sure she is alright. I wish there was a way to get her mother back, she was the best of us all. She would know what to do, but some of the prisons these days are impossible to escape from. They make the cells with magic and are guarded very heavily,” Reana sighed and slumped down to the ground, leaning against the cold stone wall. 

“She will be alright. What we need to worry about is Reana, if she is caught she will likely tell everybody where we are,” Reana’s sister tried to reassure her, but failed to do so.



Submitted: October 25, 2018

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You should describe where they are, who they are, and what they are doing. Give the characters an identity, and give the setting purpose. Is this a flashback? Show and tell what and who is important.

Thu, October 25th, 2018 6:36pm


Thanks for the advice! This is my first book to write so i'm not that good.

Thu, October 25th, 2018 9:58pm

Kevin Broughton

I really like the idea that she will get her memory back if one of the characters dies. Could lead to all sorts of dilemmas. I think we must be kindred spirits; we have both written stories about a heroine, and both started with prologues. After several rewrites I moved my prologue to a much later chapter because sometimes it's better if you don't tell the reader everything at the beginning.

I wasn't clear how many people were there and whether the main characters were concerned about how the rest of the group felt. It might be good to add a bit of extra information to help us tell who was speaking and for us to have a mental picture of them, as you have when you see them.

If you tell us a bit more about the surroundings it will help us understand what kind of meeting it was. For example you say light from the torches flicker on the stone walls. Light from one of a dozen torches in a the stone wall of a church that smells of burnt incense, is very different from light from a torch in the hand of one of the women flickered on the damp stone wall in the room that had the stale smell of death.

On the whole though I thought it showed a lot of promise and imagination. I look forward to reading more of the story as it unfolds.

Thu, October 25th, 2018 10:00pm


Aaron Austin is right. A little more description in your setting and people would be a big factor in how the story is perceived. With that being said, this is rather brilliant for someone who's just beginning. The dialogue is good and you've captured the tension of the room. I saw no punctuation errors, something I'm guilty of about twenty percent of the time. So, kudos for that.
We just need to know some more detail that would maybe generate a stronger interest in the story. Your main character should at least be named or mentioned even if they aren't part of the scene. I agree with Kevin that this holds a lot of promise and potential to be a very good read.

Thu, October 25th, 2018 11:49pm

Laurel Lee Allaway

I see a lot of people suggesting more description and I concur. HOWEVER it doesn't have to be full on purple prose. This is just me, mind you, but giving just enough description is pretty useful in writing because it allows the reader to come up with visions of what everything looks like in their head on their own. It's a quick, instantaneous effect that takes a shorter time than purple prose and allows the reader to move into the juicer parts of what you've written instead of lingering on what everything looks like. It's really easy to achieve with the "show not tell" gimmick.

Anyways, I'm really intrigued by this prologue. I feel like it definitely has a good hook because of the mystery and intrigue surrounding everything that's going on because I absolutely want to know what's going on! Looking forward to your next update!

Fri, October 26th, 2018 12:23pm

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