The Valley of the Tools Episode 19

Reads: 286  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Rob hosts a Halloween party at Shortsight, where he attempts to impress celebrities in order to garner interest in his new production company. Xandra crashes Whitney and Hannah's Halloween party and Hannah tries to contain her. Lilly is offered a job in an unsavory industry and has to make a moral choice.







“Who caught the harm? You bought the farm. If you’re a friend, there’s no need for alarm”

  • Teren D. Jones


(We open on a shot of Rob unfurling a roll of toilet paper. We zoom as Rob begins wrapping a confused and hapless male stripper with pink hair in toilet paper inside a hollow and quiet Shortsight. Rob’s hair is dyed blonde and slicked back)


MALE STRIPPER: What’s the point of-


ROB: It’s a Halloween party, that’s the point OF!


MALE STRIPPER: Is it for third graders? I mean, seriously, a fucking mummy?


ROB: Stay still, please.


MALE STRIPPER: Can I at least strip this off?


ROB: No, because then you’re not a mummy anymore! And mummies rule!

MALE STRIPPER: Okay, then I’m NOT a stripper! I’m a dancing mummy!

ROB: Correct. (Rob completes the wrapping) Don’t worry, kid, you look great, there won’t be a non-shiny boner in the room.


(The male stripper sighs and walks towards the back room as Miles enters with a fake mustache and prop cigar in hand, he’s dressed as El Chapo)


MILES: Hey. Something I gotta tell you- wait. Who are you supposed to be, Pete Davidson?


ROB: No, but we do both have “failed engagements to Ariana Grande” in common.


MILES: No one believes that, sugar tits.


ROB: Is the Charisma Carpenter thing more believable?


MILES: I’ll tell you what’s unbelievable.


ROB: What?


MILES: Guess who’s coming to Shortsight’s Halloween party?


ROB: Charisma Carpenter?!


MILES: Why’d I even have you guess? It’s Casey Affleck, (Rob gasps) Victor Garber, (Rob shrugs) Zachary Quinto, (Rob nods his head) and Beck!


(Rob pumps his fist)


ROB: Goddamn! That’s- (Rob catches himself and calms down) pretty cool. I haven’t chilled with them in a while, so it’ll be cool to catch up.


MILES: …Right.


ROB: We gotta mention the Entertainment Company we have-


MILES: Let’s not force it. This is about forming relationships, you don’t fuck on the first date. (Beat) Well. I do. But for the sake of this metaphor, let’s say I don’t.


ROB: Fine. I’ll just put on the charm. In fact, I’ll call a few of my other celebrity friends and see if they can attend. (Rob takes out his phone) When I get back, I’ll teach you how to talk to celebs, okay?


(Miles nods sarcastically)


MILES: Sure.


(Rob smiles and goes outside. Cut to Rob on the phone, outside the club)


ROB: Charisma?


CHARISMA: (On the phone) Rob, I’m not gonna post the photo of us from Halloween 2014 as a TBT no matter how much you pay me-


ROB: No, it’s not about that!

(Cut to Charisma on a treadmill at the gym on her phone)


CHARISMA: Then what the hell do you want?


(Intercut between Rob & Charisma)


ROB: I just want you to come to my new club’s Halloween party-




ROB: Charisma, just wait-




(Charisma hangs up. Rob sighs)


ROB: Damnit. Who else…


(Cut to a shot of an iPhone on a coffee table. It vibrates as Rob’s face and name appear on it)




DIANNE: (Off screen) COMING! (Senator Dianne Feinstein walks into the living room as her husband Richard Blum reads a book on the couch. Dianne sees the caller ID) Oh! It’s Robert. (Dianne answers it and sits down) Robert! How are you?


(Intercut between Dianne and Rob)


ROB: Me? Shit, I’m nothing without you in my life, girl.


(Dianne laughs)


DIANNE: Oh, please.


ROB: How’s Rich?


DIANNE: He’s good.


RICHARD: Is he asking about me? Tell him I said “hello”!


DIANNE: Rich says “hello”.


ROB: Tell him he better have those divorce papers ready so I can have a shot, alright?


(Dianne laughs)


DIANNE: Don’t give him any ideas. How can I help you, Rob?


ROB: Well, I just opened up a club in LA, and we’re having a Halloween party tonight. I was wondering if you and that douchebag you live with could make an appearance.


DIANNE: Rob, the last club I went to was a speak-easy in the mission district. And I was busting it up.


ROB: Dianne, come on! It’ll be fun, have a couple drinks, make a cameo and get out. It’s just to show that famous people come here.


DIANNE: Rob, I’m an old lady.


ROB: No, didn’t you just turn sixty-five?


DIANNE: I’m so old that “sixty-five” is the age you choose to flatter me with.


ROB: Dianne-


DIANNE: Rob, LA is five and a half hours away.


ROB: I know you have a Learjet!


DIANNE: I’m sorry, Robert, but I can’t.


ROB: Dianne-


DIANNE: Have fun, but we’re going to stay in and catch up on a week’s worth of “Morning Joe”.


ROB: Dianne, that’s like fifteen hours of-


DIANNE: Have a good one.


(Dianne hangs up. Rob angrily stuffs his phone in his pocket)


ROB: …If I can’t even get Dianne over here…


(Cut to Lilly’s eyes opening. Zoom out to reveal she’s in bed in her dingy little studio apartment, complete with a messy coffee table covered in cups and dishes and a non-functional TV sitting in the corner. She sits up and stretches. Cut to Lilly in the shower. She reaches for soap, but there’s nothing. She instead reaches outside her shower, grabs Soft Soap from the bathroom counter and pours it on herself. Cut to her walking into her bustling office at CBS Studios. She walks into her office and puts her backpack on the desk as Julie McNamara comes in)


JULIE: What’s that?



JULIE: What’s that you have there?


(Lilly looks down)


LILLY: it’s a backpack?


JULIE: Lilly. (Julie steps forward) If you want to be taken seriously in this line of work, you can’t treat it like it’s High School.


LILLY: I’m not. Otherwise, I’d have a pocket knife and rape whistle at all times.


JULIE: Lose the backpack, Lilly.


(Lilly nods)


LILLY: Yes, ma’am. (Lilly dumps out her folders and supplies from the backpack onto the ground) No more backpack.


(Julie glares at her and leaves. Lilly drops into her chair and folds her arms. Cut to Lilly stirring sugar a cup of coffee in the break room. Chelsea Weber walks in and opens the fridge)


CHELSEA: Morning, Lilly.


LILLY: Morning.


(Chelsea takes out a diet Coke and closes the fridge)


CHELSEA: Any plans for Halloween weekend?


LILLY: My boyfriend has this thing. Probably do that.


CHELSEA: Who’s invited?


(Lilly shrugs)

LILLY: I don’t know. Whoever wants to come. He runs a club now. It’s a thing.


CHELSEA: Well, you should find out! It’s a perfect opportunity for networking.


LILLY: Ugh. I hate networking. The very point of it is to be fake. It’s a system where inauthenticity is an absolute requirement.


CHELSEA: As are most systems. (Lilly shrugs) If you don’t like networking, you’re not gonna make it far. You should probably suck it up and go for it.


LILLY: Make it far in what?


CHELSEA: …The industry! What else would I be talking about?


LILLY: Right. The industry.


CHELSEA: Can I ask you something, Lilly? (Lilly nods) Why are you here?


(Lilly shrugs)


LILLY: That’s a broader question than you realize.


CHELSEA: If you don’t want to do this, you shouldn’t do this.


LILLY: My degree was philosophy. I should’ve believed those nay-saying uncles.


CHELSEA: What’d you do before this?

LILLY: …I sold cigarettes. I was good at it, too.


(Cut to Lilly walking into Rob’s club dressed as Dana Scully. The club is jumping, mummy strippers dance in cages above the clubgoers’ heads as spooky techno bumps away through the speakers. Rob, dressed as Spike, comes over and kisses Lilly)


ROB: Why didn’t you go with Buffy?

LILLY: Because I found the Spike/Scully slash fic on your laptop. Or, series of MS Paint drawings, rather.


(Rob smiles)


ROB: You’re amazing.


(Rob makes out with Lilly. Cut to them sitting at the bar, a drink in front of each of them)


LILLY: Julie’s a massive stickler. Not a speck of a sense of humor left in her being. Must’ve been beaten out of her by her last boyfriend.


ROB: You know, if I said these things, I’d be fired.


LILLY: And you’d deserve it! But there’s a shit-talk exemption for internalized misogyny.


ROB: Listen, you don’t have to stay there forever, but you should stick it out, so you can get a better job and work your way up the ladder.


LILLY: Right. Maybe I’ll get there before this city is flooded and we’re all forced to wage resource wars in Reno.


ROB: Hopefully.


LILLY: I get that I’m supposed to want to be in the industry, but sometimes-


ROB: HOLY SHIT! Casey Affleck just walked in! I wonder if he remembers me! Be right back, babe.


(Rob speeds off. Lilly sighs. Cut to Casey Affleck, dressed as Gordon Gecko, speaking with a group of gay clubogers)


CASEY: I was talking to Michele Williams the other night-


GAY CLUBGOER: By the way, loved you and her in Manchester By the Sea. Such a good movie.


CASEY: Yeah, I’ve heard it’s really good. I need to watch it.


GAY CLUBGOER: You haven’t-?


(Rob walks over and forces Casey into an awkward bro-hug)


ROB: Ca-SEY, what is up, my dude?


CASEY: (Caught off guard) Hey?


(Rob pulls away from the bro-hug)


ROB: It’s Rob!


CASEY: …Were you in Manchester By the Sea? Because I haven’t seen it-


ROB: Neither have I, but no, we met at Dermot Mulroney’s birthday party, back in ’16! Remember, we played chicken in the hot tub with Sam Rockwell and Zach Braff?


CASEY: Doesn’t ring a bell, but it’s great to see you again, regardless.


ROB: My nuts rested against the back of your neck, man!


CASEY: Honestly, Ron, no offense, but I’m here as a favor to Miles.


ROB: Miles? You know Miles?


CASEY: Yeah! One of the first movies I was ever in was “Sa-daaaaaamn the DICK-Tator”, one of Miles’ gay exploitation films back in ’94. I played Uday Hussein.


ROB: But you’re white?


(Casey shrugs)


CASEY: It was a product of its time.


ROB: So, you guys probably haven’t spoken in a long time-


CASEY: No, we SnapChat and Skype all the time. He’s just such a cut-up, you know?

(Casey smiles. Rob forces a smirk)


ROB: Yeah, he’s a…card and a half.


CASEY: Actually, I’m gonna go bend his ear for a moment, if you don’t mind. (Casey puts Rob on the back) Nice to meet you, Rod.


(Casey walks away. Rob stares forward, totally despondent)


ROB: See ya, Oscar-winning actor and second most famous Affleck, Casey Affleck.


(Cut to an establishing shot of Whitney’s house. Halloween lights and skeleton decorations adorn the building. A sign in the front yard points to the door and reads “SPOOKS LIE AHEAD”. Cut to the living room. McKenzie, Luther and Evelyn are speaking in the corner, drinks in their hands. They’re dressed as Lin Manuel-Miranda’s Alexander Hamilton, Ben Carson and Maria from Metropolis, respectively. Kevin, dressed as Jerry Seinfeld, is on the couch, listening to Bonnie and Noel, who are dressed as The Nun and Sonic respectively. Numerous other partygoers, including Joss Payne, Alec Washburn, Tara Conner and Robin are socializing as Whitney and Hannah enter, dressed as June Osborne and Zoya the Destroya respectively. Whitney is carrying a bottle of rum and Hannah is carrying a pack of red solo cups. They set them on the coffee table)


WHITNEY: Hannah came through!


HANNAH: In clutch, I might add.


WHITNEY: Let’s applaud her for being the only one sober enough to drive to the liquor store!

(Everyone at the party applauds and cheers)


NOEL: You are so lucky to have her, Ms. Stone!


WHITNEY: Noel, come on, it’s Whitney.


NOEL: Sorry. Right. Whitney. (Noel chuckles) …Can I go to the bathroom?


BONNIE: Noel, you wanna make me feel like a pedophile some more? You’re already dressed like fucking Sonic.


NOEL: I’ll be right back.


(Noel heads down the hall, towards the bathroom. Alec, dressed as Jim Halpert, pours himself a cup of rum. Tara is dressed as Pam Beesly)


ALEC: Do you have mixers?


HANNAH: Sure, what do you prefer?


ALEC: Like, maybe Mountain Dew Code Red-


TARA: He wants Sprite.


HANNAH: We only have 7-Up.


KEVIN: I take back my applause then.


ALEC: 7-Up’s fine.


(Hannah grabs a 7-Up out of the fridge and hands it to Alec. He mixes himself a drink)


BONNIE: This is a nice place, guys.


WHITNEY: Thanks. We’ll probably pay for it the rest of our lives, but hey, the UN says that’s only twenty-two years, so how bad could it be?


KEVIN: I don’t know, actually. We should ask Taylor Swift.


HANNAH: Or Kanye West.


KEVIN: Both. Let’s ask both.


(Cut to McKenzie, Luther and Evelyn talking in the corner)


MCKENZIE: So, Evelyn, can you explain your costume?


EVELYN: Think “famous robots”.


LUTHER: Just to give you a hint, she told me what she is, and I still don’t really know what she is.


MCKENZIE: That’s not a hint.


EVELYN: For Pete’s sake, I’m dressed as Maschinenmensch, otherwise known as “Maria” from the 1927 Fritz Lang silent film “Metropolis”. She was one of the first robots depicted in cinema!


MCKENZIE: Oh! The first robot on film was a lady, huh? I like that.


EVELYN: It was a lady built by a mad scientist whose girlfriend left him. He wanted something to copulate with.


MCKENZIE: Oh. I like that less.


LUTHER: Knowing her, she’ll insist keeping that on tonight.


EVELYN: I most certainly will.


(Luther and Evelyn start making out)


MCKENZIE: …New couples. Love it.


(McKenzie’s eyes go wide as she walks away. Cut to outside. Xandra and Darla pull up in a Mercedes-Benz, dressed as Nomi Malone from Showgirls and Princess Leia respectively. The radio is playing Top 10 pop hits)


DARLA: Sure about this?


XANDRA: Bitch, I don’t do things when I’m not sure.


DARLA: Okay. (Darla takes out a baggie of cocaine) Should I bring this inside?


XANDRA: Sure, but don’t bust it out until I say the word.


DARLA: What’s the word?


(Xandra furrows her brow)


XANDRA: I don’t know, “bust out that good shit”. Something like that. We’re not taking the declaration of independence, girl, shit.


DARLA: Right. We’re taking Hannah from Whitney.


XANDRA: No! We’re- just, let’s get out of the car.


(Darla and Xandra get out of the car and walk toward Hannah’s house carrying liquor bottles. Xandra rings the doorbell. Hannah opens the door)


HANNAH: Hey- (Hannah’s face drops. She rushes outside and closes the door) Xandra? Darla? What are you doing here?

XANDRA: Catching you. (Xandra smiles) Let’s do shots!


(Cut to Rob sitting at a booth in the back of the club, sipping on an Old-Fashioned, as he watches Casey Affleck and Miles laugh it up at the bar. He bitterly sips his drink. He notices Zachary Quinto at a booth on the other side of the bar. Rob gets up and walks over to Lilly who is at the bar speaking with a random balding straight guy)


BALDING STRAIGHT GUY: So, that was the dream I had the second time I got a wisdom tooth removed-


LILLY: Fascinating. (To Rob) Hey, my boyfriend’s here! Hey, what’s up, my boyfriend Rob?


ROB: I need you on my arm to talk to Zachary Quinto.




ROB: Because, you’re beautiful and smart, but also because I need him to know I’m not flirting with him.


(Lilly nods)


LILLY: Got it.


(Rob and Lilly walk off screen)


BALDING STRAIGHT GUY: Wait! I haven’t told you about my third wisdom tooth surgery yet!


(Cut to Zachary Quinto arm-wrestling Father John Misty at one of the booth tables, as clubgoers look on. Rob and Lilly walk over)


ROB: Hey, uh-


ZACH: Shh! Don’t break my concentration!


LILLY: (Whispering) Holy shit, is that Father John Misty?


(Zach slams down Father John Misty’s arm and sits up with his hands in the air)




(FJM throws up his hands)


JOSH TILLMAN: It’s not fair, she broke my concentration!

LILLY: Sorry, Father, I’m just- I’m a fan.


(Josh smiles)


JOSH: I’m not ordained, friend, you can just call me Josh.


LILLY: Right. Stage name, I got it.


(Josh and Lilly shake hands)


LILLY: I’m Lilly.


JOSH: Pleasure.


(Josh lets go of Lilly’s hand)


ROB: Cool. Why don’t you chat with Josh, and I can speak with Zach-?


ZACH: Sorry, man, I gotta hustle to Dermot Mulroney’s Halloween party.


ROB: Oh, cool, I can-


ZACH: You’re not invited this year. Have a good night!

(Zach leaves. Rob huffs and turns to Josh and Lilly)


ROB: Cool. Josh Tillman works, then.


JOSH: So, Lilly, do you think you could beat me in arm-wrestling?


(Lilly guffaws)


LILLY: Are you asking if I’m as strong as Zach Quinto?


JOSH: I mean, hey, I like a woman who’s strong.


(Rob steps in)


ROB: Excuse me, Josh, don’t you have a wife?


JOSH: Do you?


ROB: No. But. I do have a production company I’m starting with Miles-


(Miles walks over)




(Everybody cheers)


ROB: …Miles Grothman.


LILLY: Thanks, Miles.


JOSH: Miles, you’re the shit, man. Come here.


(Josh goes over and hugs Miles. Rob sighs as Lilly rubs his back. Cut to Rob sitting at the bar, wallowing in self-pity while nursing a vodka cranberry. Miles is on the other side of the bar, back-slapping with Josh Tillman and Victor Garber. Rob shakes his head as Sean Penn walks over and sits next to him)


SEAN: Hey.


ROB: Hey. (Rob double-takes) Whoa. Hi.


SEAN: Hey. So he’s over there, huh?


(Rob scoffs)


ROB: Great. You’re here to see him too.


SEAN: Yeah. We go back a few years.


ROB: Jesus. He didn’t tell me he was this connected.


SEAN: Trust me, El Chapo has connections with just about everyone.


ROB: But he’s barely even- (Rob looks at Sean) wait, what?


SEAN: El Chapo. I met him back in ’15. Heard he was back in town through Snapchat. Now I’m here.


ROB: Sean. No. That’s Miles Grothman dressed as El Chapo. The real El Chapo is in prison.


SEAN: Pfff. No prison can hold El Chapo, Rob.


ROB: You know my name-


SEAN: I know that’s him. I’m gonna go over and say “hola”.


(Sean winks and walks over towards Miles. Rob rolls his eyes, grabs a cigarette from behind his ear and walks towards the door. But then he spins around, looking inspired)


ROB: That’s perfect!


(Cut to Lilly sitting at the bar with a drink in hand, watching the news on TV. Anderson Cooper is on air with a lower-third that says “TRUMP BLASTS CLINTON, WATERS AFTER BOMBS SENT TO NUMEROUS DEMS’ HOUSES”. McKenzie comes over and sits next to her)


MCKENZIE: Hello, Clarisse.


(Lilly looks over)


LILLY: Oh, shit. I didn’t expect to see you here.


(They hug)


MCKENZIE: I know that accent you’re hiding is pure West Virginia.


(McKenzie and Lilly detach)


LILLY: You’re thinking of Whitney. (McKenzie laughs) Also, “Hello, Clarisse” is never uttered in that movie.


MCKENZIE: But I got the costume, right?


LILLY: No. I’m Dana Scully.


MCKENZIE: Shit. (Lilly chuckles) What do you make of these bombs?


LILLY: I think it was Trump.


MCKENZIE: Like, Trump’s fault?


LILLY: No, I think Trump sent the bombs.


(McKenzie chortles)


MCKENZIE: Jeff Flake would have a sternly worded tweet at the ready if it turned out that were the case.


LILLY: Why’d you come here? Won’t Whitney be angry?


MCKENZIE: Her party was getting tiring.  Plus, she doesn’t have a say about what parties I go to. I still like Rob.


(Lilly nods her head)


LILLY: Do you still like Whitney?


MCKENZIE: Yeah! I don’t take sides. I like where I work.


LILLY: …That makes one of us.


MCKENZIE: You don’t like where I work?


LILLY: …No. I don’t like where I work.


MCKENZIE: What’s wrong with it? Besides the fact that it’s CBS and their line-up consists of forty cop shows, Big Bang Theory, Young Sheldon and God Friended Me?


LILLY: At least they never made the mistake of hiring Megyn Kelly.


(Lilly finishes her drunk and indicates to bartender she wants another. The bartender takes the glass and fixes her a drink)


MCKENZIE: Hey, she’ll have plenty of success on the minstrel show circuit. (Lilly smiles as she’s served another drink) You could do anything with your life, Lills. I don’t know you super well-


LILLY: Clearly, because you haven’t earned that “Lills”.


MCKENZIE: But I know that. What did you want to do when you were a little girl?


(Lilly sighs)


LILLY: I wanted to be the first girl to climb Everest. I was so mad when I found out that bitch Junko Tabei beat me to it.


MCKENZIE: Well, then what are you good at?


(McKenzie takes out her Juul and takes a puff on it)

LILLY: …I was good at selling cigarettes.


(McKenzie smiles)


MCKENZIE: …Congrats?


(Kevin walks over)


KEVIN: Babe! Beck is about to perform an impromptu set on Ukulele!


MCKENZIE: Holy shit, I gotta see this!

(McKenzie speeds away with Kevin. Lilly solemnly sips on her drink. Suddenly, an elegantly coiffed man in a suit sits down near Lilly)


COIFFED MAN: Barkeep! (The barkeep walks over) I’ll take a Dark & Stormy.


BARKEEP: You got it. (Barkeep begins mixing the drink as the man takes out his credit card) Hey, Scott, don’t worry about it.


SCOTT: Thanks, Steve.


(Lilly looks over at Scott)


LILLY: Well, aren’t you King Shit of Turd Mountain?


(Scott chuckles)


SCOTT: No, you are. (Lilly glares at him) Sorry, that’s not what I meant. I’m Scott.


LILLY: Yeah, I got that.


SCOTT: Some of my friends in the corner recognize you.


(Scott points at a group of besuited executives at a booth in the corner. One of them is getting a lap dance from a mummy. He starts peeling the paper off the mummy, but then Miles walks over)



(The executive puts his hands up. Pan back to Lilly and Scott)

LILLY: Recognize me from where?


SCOTT: You used to be a brand ambassador for our company.


(Lilly squints)


LILLY: You work for American Spirits?


SCOTT: Well. The parent company, Reynolds American. We saw your file, and it turns out, well, you were the best brand ambassador we’ve seen in the LA County region.


LILLY: Wow. Just call me the “Merchant of Death”.


(Scott chuckles)


SCOTT: I don’t know if I’m being forward, but-


LILLY: I have a boyfriend. He’s flirting with Father John Misty right now- (Lilly looks around) I think.


SCOTT: No. We’re prepared to offer you a job in the marketing department of our LA offices. (Lilly stares at him) Starting salary is 75,000 a year.


LILLY: …Are you shitting me?


SCOTT: No. We know talent when we see it.


LILLY: Talent? Your customers are addicted to your product, it’s not exactly a hard sell.


SCOTT: It’s a hard switch, though.


LILLY: You guys own American Spirits, you just have to pass out coupons on college campuses and you can buy your fucking summer houses!


SCOTT: You’re not saying “no”.


(Lilly stares at Scott and walks away. Scott leans back. Cut to Xandra on Whitney’s couch with Darla, Luther and Evelyn. Xandra takes a shot as everyone cheers. Pan over to Hannah and Whitney)


WHITNEY: What’s she doing here!?


HANNAH: I invited her, I’m sorry I forgot to tell you.


WHITNEY: Why would you do that?! That’s like inviting Rob, or my parents! Or Ted Kaczynski!


HANNAH: Do you trust me?


WHITNEY: Yes, but-


HANNAH: Then don’t worry about it! Xandra’s fun!


WHITNEY: Are you saying Sandra, or-?


HANNAH: Xandra! Xan-dra!

WHITNEY: With a Z?


HANNAH: With an X.




(Xandra walks over with two shot glasses in hand)


XANDRA: Whitney, I love your nun costume.


WHITNEY: I’m a Handmaid, not a nun.


XANDRA: Is that like a, prostitute?


WHITNEY: I mean…yeah, basically.


XANDRA: I love your prostitute costume.


HANNAH: Heh. Do you guys want anything?




XANDRA: Get us two hurricanes if you have ‘em, thanks, red. (Hannah nods and walks away, much to Whitney’s dismay) So, your Hannah’s ball-and-chain, huh?


WHITNEY: Yeah, though I hope she wouldn’t describe me that way.


XANDRA: She calls you that all the time. But it’s always very lovingly.


WHITNEY: Uh-huh. So, you’re a model, right?


XANDRA: Last time I checked. You may have seen my work for- (Xandra pulls out a flyer for Ashley Madison featuring Xandra slipping out of a hotel room with hickeys on her neck) Ashley Madison.


(Whitney shakes her head)

WHITNEY: Nope, I can’t say I have.


XANDRA: You must not hang out in Silicon Valley very often. It’s cool. It was a one-time thing. I mostly get money from Instagram.


(Hannah brings over two Hurricanes)


HANNAH: Here you guys are.


(Hannah hands them to Xandra and Whitney)


XANDRA: Thanks, girl.


WHITNEY: Since when do you know how to make Hurricanes-?


HANNAH: I just picked it up from-


XANDRA: I taught her.


(Xandra smiles, and an awkward silence ensues)


WHITNEY: …So, you mostly do Instagram stuff?


XANDRA: Yeah. Oh, and speaking of grams, Darla! Bust out that good shit!

(Cut to Darla talking with Joss)


JOSS: It pained me to let go of an original Optimus Prime action figure, but I had to pay for the surgery-


(Darla pushes Joss’ face away)


DARLA: I thought you’d never ask!


(Darla pulls out a baggie of cocaine and bounces over to Whitney, Hannah and Xandra)


HANNAH: Agh! Xandra, Darla, you can’t-


WHITNEY: No. Hannah, it’s fine.


(Hannah looks at Whitney, surprised)




WHITNEY: I won’t partake, but, go ahead. Be yourselves.


(Whitney smirks)


XANDRA: You’re an angel. (Xandra looks at Hannah) You have exquisite taste, red.


(Darla goes to the counter and cuts a line of cocaine. Xandra stands behind her. Robin stands up, dressed as a warlock)


ROBIN: Whoa. Is that salt? Because I’d love to do a spell if I could-


(Xandra turns to Robin)


XANDRA: This isn’t salt, honey. Although it will put a spell on you.


(Darla turns)


DARLA: Namely, you won’t be able to stop.


ROBIN: Oh, alright. I’ll indulge.


(Robin walks over. Hannah turns to Whitney)


HANNAH: Where did McKenzie go?


WHITNEY: She seems like an upstanding citizen, Hannah.


HANNAH: I didn’t say she was perfect.


(Xandra puts some coke on her nail and sniffs it)


XANDRA: Oooh, shit. Goddamn! I wanna go on the roof, Hannah, you want to go on the roof?


HANNAH: The, uh…the roof?


XANDRA: Yeah, I wanna watch the stars fall!


WHITNEY: You wanna watch the stars, fall?


(Darla sniffs coke off her nail)


DARLA: It’ll be an unforgettable night! Oh my God, I’m gonna tell my grandkids about this shit!




(Hannah looks at Whitney)


XANDRA: You don’t need her permission, girl, what do you want to do?


(Hannah looks back at Xandra)


HANNAH: I know I don’t, I was just… (Hannah looks over at Bonnie and Noel) Bonnie, Noel, you want to come up on the roof with us?


(Bonnie shrugs)


BONNIE: I drunkenly climbed to the top of the Vegas sign in heels, I can handle a roof.


NOEL: But I’m scared of heights, so I’ll hang back and gab, if you don’t mind.


BONNIE: I’ll be back, babe.


(Bonnie kisses Noel and follows Hannah, Xandra and Darla as they make their way out the back door)


HANNAH: We won’t be long.


(Whitney smiles as they leave and close the door. Her smile turns to a scowl. Cut to Rob using a Sony FS-100 camera to film Sean Penn talking to Miles as “El Chapo” behind the bar)


SEAN: Senor Chapo, it is such an honor to see you again. I hope you’ve gotten the letters I’ve sent.


MILES: Sean, let the bit go, would ya? I’m not El Chapo-


SEAN: Sir, I understand you need to keep a low-profile. But it’s just us here. You don’t need to hide.


MILES: You’ve MET El Chapo and you think I am actually El Chapo!?


ROB: Oh, this is good.


(Beck wanders over, behind Rob)


BECK: Hey, man, we were using that to film a music video!

ROB: Nobody likes your new stuff anyway, Beck. Just give me a minute.


(Beck throws up his hands and walks away)


SEAN: El Chapo, you were extradited to a fascist country that keeps children in cages and supports a regime in Saudi Arabia that murders American journalists with impunity, are you scared?


MILES: Is this some weird, liberal fetish thing? Because I’ll play along if you want. (Affected Mexican accent) Uh, yeah, I’m terrified. Who knows? They might take a bone-saw to my ass, I don’t know.


ROB: I don’t know if it’s alright to keep filming, but my finger is not going near that red button.


SEAN: Wow. Where have you been hiding out since you escaped? You don’t have to give out specifics, of course.


(Miles turns toward the camera)


MILES: I’ve been hiding at Shortsight, located on 1073 Glendon Avenue, Los Angeles, California! There are drink specials every Wednesday and Thursday night, plus, discounted drinks for gay veterans, and slightly pricier drinks for straight veterans!


SEAN: Because veterans are murderers.


MILES: Yeah, but at least the gay ones are gay.


SEAN: I have eighty more questions, if you can just bear with me.


MILES: Go ahead, I’m having a blast!


ROB: Same here, guys.


(Cut to Rob sitting in the back office, furiously editing the video. Rob throws back a Redline or two, matches up sequences, and uploads the video to YouTube. Cut to Rob showing a TV executive the video on his phone at a booth in the club. The video shows B-roll of Sean Penn talking to Miles as “El Chapo”)


ROB (Narrating on video) This Fall-


ROB: (IRL) Or Spring, if you want, Fall’s a bit ambitious.


ROB: (Narration) Sean Penn, once again, goes face-to-face, with El Chapo.


TV EXECUTIVE: Is that really El Chapo? Because-


ROB: Oh, yeah. Sure as my name is Robert Van-Garden Altmire the fifth.


ROB: (Narration) They meet again.


MILES: (OV) We wouldn’t really work out, because we’re both dominant.


SEAN: True. We need a submissive.


ROB: (Narration) And this time it’s personal.


SEAN: Your (cut) drugs (cut) saved my (cut) brother’s (cut) life!


ROB: (Narration) In a positive way!


MILES: You’re welcome, Seany, any time. Can I feel that bicep?


(Miles feels Sean Penn’s bicep)


ROB: (Narration) Penn & Drug Seller. Coming soon.


(The graphic for “Pen & Drug Seller” comes on screen. Rob exits from the video and looks at the executive)


TV EXECUTIVE: You gotta change that title.


ROB: I’m open to that, but I’m not committing to it.


TV EXECUTIVE: This is really quite a get, though. You say you have a production company?


ROB: Yeah, it’s a little ramshackle operation in the back of our club. (Jesse Pinkman voice) We’re cooking up that pure shit, BITCH!


(Rob smiles. All of a sudden, Sean Penn gets up on the bar)




(Everyone turns to Sean and Miles, who is standing behind the bar looking confused)


ROB: Oh no.




MILES: Sean, come on, get down.




TV EXECUTIVE: Did you film it over there? Like, tonight?










SEAN: Please! You’re El Chapo, I would never risk your life. I’ll go first. (Sean puts the revolver to his head, and everyone gasps as he pulls the trigger, and nothing comes out) Okay, I got lucky! Who’s next?!

(Sean sits on the bar and holds the gun. Miles waves Rob over. Rob springs into action, runs over and tries to wrest the gun from Rob)


ROB: Alright, that’s enough, Sean.


(Rob pulls Sean off the bar)




(Rob closes the door. Miles walks over to Rob)


MILES: Christ, you almost had to scrub Sean Penn brains off the walls. Would’ve taken forever.


(The TV Executive walks past Rob, glaring at him)


ROB: Sir- (He leaves) …shit. (Pause) What do you mean, “I” almost had to do it?


MILES: I mean. I would’ve helped. But I’d also be covered in Sean Penn brains, so I probably would need a shower.


(Rob sighs. Cut to Lilly, Josh Tillman and McKenzie hanging outside Shortsight. Sean Penn is trying to hail a cab right in front of them. Josh is smoking a cigarette while McKenzie is vaping her juul)


LILLY: Can you believe it, though?


MCKENZIE: How much was the starting salary?




JOSH: Hey, I’d sell my soul for less.


MCKENZIE: You already have money, Josh.


JOSH: No, most of you fuckers just stream! I sold 300 albums last year!


(A cab pulls up and Sean gets in)


SEAN: Take me to Little Caracas, right away!


(The cab speeds off)


LILLY: I don’t want to work for the bad guys, but oh my God, I hate my job right now. On numerous occasions, I’ve been tempted to leave bananas in Julie’s desk on a Friday night, so she can come to a mess of fruit flies Monday morning.


JOSH: Think about it this way, people are gonna smoke. I happen to know for a fact I’ll die hacking up my blackened lung around age 55. It’s honestly a pretty cool way to die.


MCKENZIE: I mean, hey, maybe you can take the job, and take down the beast from the inside.


LILLY: By doing what? Telling them to sell stamps instead?


MCKENZIE: …You could tell them to sell e-cigs instead.


LILLY: But then I’m no better than the sweaty neck-beard at the local vape shop.


JOSH: True.


(Josh takes a drag)


LILLY: All this feels like rationalization. If I’m gonna do this. (Lilly beckons toward Josh) I need to believe in the product.


(Josh hands a cigarette to Lilly. She puts it in her mouth and Josh lights it)


JOSH: Suck in.


(Lilly coughs profusely. Josh and McKenzie giggle)


MCKENZIE: I feel like I’m behind my old high school watching a newbie smoke his first cig. What a delight!

(Lilly spits)


LILLY: It’ll take time, but I can get used to it. (Lilly hacks a few more times. Cut to Lilly walking up to Scott, who is flirting with a woman at the bar) I give up. (Lilly puts her hands up) I’ll take the job.


SCOTT: Oh, well, good, let’s talk about- (Lilly uses her key to cut her arm, drawing blood) holy shit.


LILLY: Where’s the blood oath I need to sign to work in tobacco?


WOMAN: You work in tobacco!?


SCOTT: I, uh-


WOMAN: You’re disgusting!

(The woman throws her drink in Scott’s face. Scott wipes himself off)


SCOTT: …You wanna start Monday?


LILLY: Yeah. Whatever.


(Lilly walks away. Scott sighs and shakes his head)


SCOTT: Get a bandage for that thing!


(Cut to Bonnie, Xandra, Hannah and Darla on the roof, watching the night sky. They stare in quiet repose as a plane flies by)


XANDRA: It’s gorgeous.




XANDRA: What do you think the astronauts think about when they look down at us?


HANNAH: Probably about how it’s unfair how fucking hot you three are.


(Xandra, Darla and Bonnie laugh. Cut to Whitney pouring Evelyn a gimlet in the kitchen while “Thriller” by Michael Jackson plays over the speaker system. Whitney hands Evelyn a gimlet and pours herself one too. They clink their glasses)


WHITNEY: To, uh…


EVELYN: To affordable patio furniture!

(Whitney chuckles)




EVELYN: It’s just something I appreciate about life.


(Whitney shrugs)


WHITNEY: Hell yeah.


(Whitney and Evelyn drink)


EVELYN: You don’t appear to be very fond of that Xandra girl.


WHITNEY: You’re very perceptive.


EVELYN: And yet I was never cast as Sherlock Holmes in my high school play. Curious.


WHITNEY: Xandra’s just…a little much for me.


EVELYN: And she fancies your girlfriend.


(Whitney nods)


WHITNEY: That too.

(Whitney drinks)


EVELYN: I used to be very jealous myself. My previous relationship ended when I sued my boyfriend’s yoga teacher for false advertising.


WHITNEY: That’s, not quite “keying a car” or “slashing a tire”, but it’s, something. (Evelyn nods) What freed you of your jealousy?


EVELYN: I found that jealousy is often borne from great insecurity. I asked myself, what do I lack?


WHITNEY: …What did you lack?


EVELYN: An easygoing demeanor. But I swiftly ameliorated that issue.


(Whitney nods)


WHITNEY: That you did.


(Cut to Whitney climbing up the ladder and onto the roof. She sees Bonnie, Xandra, Darla and Hannah. She carefully crawls over and sits next to Hannah)



(Whitney puts her arm around Hannah)


WHITNEY: Have the stars fallen yet?


XANDRA: Nah. I’m beginning to think they don’t do that.


BONNIE: I want one of these planes to fall, though. You know. Just to see what that would be like.


(They all chuckle. Hannah looks over at Whitney and kisses her on the cheek. Xandra notices this and wears a slightly bitter look. She then torches a joint. Cut to Rob sitting at the bar at Shortsight as mummies dance in cages suspended above everyone’s heads. Rob knocks back his drink as Lilly takes a seat next to him)


LILLY: Any luck?


ROB: I managed to piss off every celebrity here. Stole Beck’s camera. Threw out Sean Penn. Pissed on Victor Garber’s leg in the bathroom.


LILLY: Like, at the urinals?


ROB: No, I just went into a stall, guns-a-blazing, and there he was!


(Lilly rubs Rob’s back)


LILLY: I’m sorry, babe.


ROB: Worst part is…I work for Miles now. He runs this place, and I’m a glorified bouncer. He told me to kick out Sean Penn, I just followed orders. (Rob rubs his temples) A legend fell in this club tonight.


LILLY: Well…if it makes you feel any better…I’m about to stoop lower for a lot more money.


(Rob looks at Lilly. Cut to black)



Submitted: October 29, 2018

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Facebook Comments