Killer celebrity

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Science Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: November 07, 2018

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Submitted: November 07, 2018



I went up to the shops in real life to get some snacks
and there’s a guy standing there in the middle of the dairy section
he’s looking kinda dazed and confused
he looks really powerful and interesting
the thought strikes me that he looks like he’s the most powerful wizard in all of the land or something
I half recognize him from somewhere that seemed like a false psuedomemory magical place
and I kinda recall that I think he’s the guy
from one of the most killer episodes of this or that who pissed out a silver dragonfly
and I’m not sure where the hell I remember that from
but he looks like a killer celebrity and I remember that being an epic scene

he was standing by himself in the dairy section, talking to the cheese
and I found him so pretty that I felt really creepy and really grabby around him
as soon as I looked at him it was like holy shit
are you fucking covered in pheromone seething body oil or something because I’d love to go stand up way too close to you and just admire you and take you in with all my senses
and even cuddle you to keep you warm in the cold aisle down there while you ponder over what cheese is the best cheese decision for you right now babay
you need a bodyguard or I need a bodyguard
I know if I open my mouth to say something normal I’m probably gonna shout out something inappropriate and laced with rampant sexual innuendo pornographic dyslexia
cuz damn boy that’s a gouda but you know what would be feta babay

I daydream about him blue veining round over what kind of cheese to buy over there
and he’s shimmering in a haze of opalescence
I think about touching his face and seeing his eyes in front of mine out in the sunlight
and I glide past not sure if I’m nuts for thinking that I’ve seen that glinting shiny
perfect davidesque ass of his shining somewhere before chancing upon it over in the cold aisle here

I heard that voice of his that was whispering to the cheese
it was melting me like a perfect mozzarella
but instead of doing something to be noticed I glide past him like I’m a breadstick
my drowning propellors are failing me

as I walked past he said in my direction Oh hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?
What’s your name?
I replied back like I hadn’t seen him Oh, hi there, um yea maybe, you sure look familiar, I’m Jill, what’s your name?
he muttered his name back and I didn’t quite catch it
then he said he was the Lord of Snackytown and Strange Behaviour
and then he sneered at me Sorry wrong person never seen ya in my life man
and went casually back to mulling over the cheese

I stood there for a little bit too long
unable to say anything
then he muttered I hope you have a nice day
I walk away, this guy who is the most powerful wizard in all of the land has a name
he’s the Lord of Snackytown and Strange Behaviour
I kept going, frozen
with an uncontrollable urge to go back and talk to him in some way

and I wish I had a cuppa tea to gulp down really fast right about now and that I could just go masturbate for 24 hours straight in a pile of his kryptonite pheromone seething body oil to nuke out this mouthwatering hormonal explosion that I’m having over his grotesquely perfectly sculpted sucking lips
and I’m shaking my head in my own disappointment
when I bumped in to someone and they said Oi watch where you’re going, bubble girl
and in my mind I said back Don’t you ever fucking call me bubble girl again you rancid shit bleating figment
but instead out loud I smiled sweetly and said oh yes sorry about that whoopsy daisy hee hee ok
without any real intention to be more alert
I continued on down to the aisle with the chicken wings in it

my imagination eye was still standing as close as it could get to the Lord of Snackytowns eye without our eyes actually touching
thinking to myself really haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
I breathed out and he breathed in and his eyes widened
then I kinda gasped at the reality of that
and he breathed back out exactly as I gasped
and we entered each others thoughts for a brief instant

I bump in to an aisle bringing my attention back to earth and there’s a row of large sealed glass jars in the middle of the supermarket, housing small suffocating animals of all kinds along the entire section
kittens and puppies and rabbits and guinea pigs and many other small creatures
half of them are stone cold dead, perfectly still
some are twitching
some are barely surviving suffocating and dying
what the fuck in the fuck is this cruelty shit?
I start grabbing live jars trying furiously to open them and let the animals have air
is this some kind of sick joke?
suddenly there is three huge hulking salesmen immediately staunching me grabbing my arms
they said I picked a jar and that’s all I get and it’s time to leave, one per person

who the fuck do these people think they are?
I’m gonna come back with some heavy arsenal about this that’s for sure
what the hell does the supermarket think they’re doing with giving away dying animals locked in little terrarium jars like this
I looked down and I was holding a jar with a small black soft twitching rabbit
it got me feeling all homicidal I think it’s truly fucking abhorrent
I might come across as sweet but they really don’t wanna see me in my element doing the world a smashing bloody favour in defence of being locked away to die like that
I’m gonna come back down here prepared for the next showdown of the week or of the century
it would be a fucking killer episode that’ll leave you gaping in disbelief
I wonder if I’m on some hidden camera show where the host is about to jump out at me cracking increasingly bad jokes at my expense with bearded nerds and guys that look like Henry Ford smiling like plastic hypersurgeried mutants and waving cameras and microphones up in my face HOW DOES THIS MAKE YOU FEEL
so I refrain myself from the complete apocalyptic maelstrom killing spree
the completion virus has me in its grip and I struggle to leave the rest of the animals like that
but my head is spinning about my undead existence exposed on live Breakfast TV

my mind drifts back to the most powerful wizard in all of the land
The Lord of Snackytown and Strange Behaviour
I imagined the episode of something I must have caught sometime where I watched a character just like him I think piss out a silver mechanical dragonfly that told him he came from hell
I envisioned him stretching out his willy and running around the house naked, screaming
as the dragonfly came out
blue veined, glistening, clicking, sliding
he stretched his pained dick out playing it down like a guitar to help coax the dragonfly out
dancing in pain
waving his dick like it was the joystick to an old Atari game
practicing gears, threatening to cut it off completely if the dragonfly wouldn’t work the fuck outta there a bit more smoothly and quick

he wanted out of the whole scene at one point
he went and slammed his dick down on the table at the police headquarters
putting on a real peacock-like dick dancing display on the way in
screaming at them to Please Please FUCKIN SHOOT IT
I’ve been having a recurring episode of a mechanical dragonfly crawling out of my shaft
You’ve gotta fuckin help me
and he slams his dick down so hard on the table that some blood squirts out the end
it’s gonna be sorer than after a bender of self mutilation on top of his regular dragonfly visit
and the sheer shame of being screamed at by ten of a team of elderly top anti-wank propaganda merchants
that tell you wanking will dry out your brain and it will rattle around in your skull like a walnut
they’re cavemen out there

I think I better make my way home again and race home with my rabbit
smashing it out of the jar as soon as I can
I’m holding it out as I run, desperate to escape this godforsaken world
back to my sanctuary my soft open arms cradling me
I slide and hurry past some hedges and there is a horrible snipping sound
someone is trimming the edges in to ridiculous state of perfect topiaried perfection
and I’ve whisked past in a breeze holding out the poor little rabbit
and there is another sickeningly thick snip
before I can blink
the rabbits face falls to the floor
I turn it around to face me and its face stump is glistening back at me like a piece of freshly cut steak
it’s fucking horrific
I silently scream and silently apologise to the rabbits face stump profusely
I'm just staring at it slackjawed like an ape

I race it home and set it down on the floor wondering what to do
it hops around and actually seems happy enough and like it might survive
surprisingly it doesn’t look like it’s dying
I nurture it and offer it a snack
trying to poke some thin slices of carrot in its gaping steak hole
it accepts it and its the most grotesque steak slice of rabbity chewing style that I’ve ever seen
I’m planning unholy rollin Armageddon showtime
to bust down on those evil supermarket freaks

I’m nursing my little baby back to health
and I wake up covered in sweat

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