Summer With A Chance Of Love

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Chapter 8 (v.1) - Chapter 8 Hurt Me Once

Submitted: May 08, 2019

Reads: 37

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Submitted: May 08, 2019

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Falling asleep made me have the weirdest dream but also the most hurtful realization as well about my father. As I wiped my eyes and remembered everything that my father had ever done for me. Before I could even think about it, the tears started to fall from my eyes. For a second my mind wanted to just not wipe them away and just leave them there where they were. That is when I got up from the bed and looked at the window and saw Taylor. He was standing there and I wished that he was my brother. The only person that I could really talk to about anything. Before I could close the blinds he turned around and flashed me a smile, at this point, there was nothing more to what I could do, but smile back. I closed the blinds and then went to my bathroom and picked up the blade that I use, and then I took a deep breath pressed it against my skin as I gasped from the pain that I had just inflicted onto myself. I just didn't care anymore. My father saw me kiss Noah, and then he threw onto the floor like i was a piece of trash that he just threw on the ground. Just as I did the second cut I had a flashback.


 

8 years ago,

 

It all started eight years ago, I was only eight at the time but I remember my mother and father fighting like cats and dogs. It more about the fact that I was different even just barely a teen, not even a full-grown realized teenager. They were fighting about me or they would fight about how my father slept around with other women, or how he put my sister on probation. Sometime I would remember it, Sometimes I wouldn’t want to remember the things that I do but the one thing that I would never ever forget is the time that I kissed a boy in my neighborhood, it was that night that my mother called my father telling him that I had kissed a boy in the neighborhood. Now if I could ever remember the guy's name I would say but he was like a vacant memory, at the time I didn't know what gay was. Everyone just told me that it was supposedly bad. My father hated them with a burning passion or something because when he got home that night he did not take it too lightly. I sat there and that when my father came home that night he took me out and put me on the edge of his bumper and he talked to me.

 

“Johnnie let me tell you something okay,” he said to me my ten-year-old self wanted to listen to my father, and at the time I was young and dumb and not knowing what even sexuality even means to a person, so lend into every word that said to me. “What you did with that boy is not right, being with a boy is just not right and just think of how it will break your mother’s heart do you want to break it by never having kids or hell you could even die, son” he said to me and my eight-year-old self just looked petrified about the thought of dying. So I just shook my head and agreed to what he was saying. The next couple of years were a mess of confusion. Everyone asked me why I never had a girlfriend. Even my own mother wonder why. Sometimes I wish that things were different, but then came the day that I came out to my best friend. It was the ninth grade. We're just starting out in high school when I finally said that I was gay.  I remember what she told me.

 

“You do make so true that are in fact well you know.” she said to me jokingly “with that all being said I don't care if you are or Johnny it just means that we can check out guys together,” she said to me as I started to blush from embarrassment “discreetly of course” she said to me and just could not help but laugh. You know how they always say that your parents are either suppose to hate you or disown you from the family if you are gay well that wasn't the case when my mom found out. She supported me with all of her. My brother did and so did my sister. It was just my father he never accepted it. It got so bad when they got the divorce that he refused to pay the child support. It was hard for us. My mother had to take up three jobs just to support us.

 

After the flashback and see what I did to my legs. Sometimes this scares me to death blacking out and not knowing what could happen. I looked at the window and I saw that I closed it. My first thoughts were of him. Taylor, why did he want me to go to that concert with him? Why did he save me that day at the stream? Why didn't he just let me do what I was going to do? I got an alcohol pad and started to clean the fresh were on my legs. I felt the heat that as coming off the scars that were there. an I took a deep breath and braced myself for the stinging. Once I did one swipe of the alcohol pad I gasped from the sting but the more that I did it the more that I didn't care. Once I finally got all the dried blood off I had to take off the sheets because the blood dripped off and went on to the washer and dryer. Sometimes I wished that there was an easier way to express myself. The whole day I didn't want to say a word. I wanted to be far away from anyone that ever came across from me. Something deep inside me told me that it was wrong from me to feel this way, but then again I didn't care. It was like I needed to feel this way. It went for what seemed like years but really it was just four hours. I went outside and sat on the back porch for a bit, I was admiring the blue sky and how it was a cloudless day. It was one of those days where you could just lay on freshly cut grass, or go to the pool and lay by the pool and just soak up the rays of the sun, go and jump in front of the sprinklers like I always did when I was little. It wasn't till I saw Taylor come out al furious like I didn't know what to think or say. I wanted to hold my breath and not do anything but then It was almost like a second instinct when I got up to go and check up on him. When I followed him I saw that he already threw the trash can over. I knew that I should probably just leave him be and let him cool off but it was like I needed to because of what he did for me. When I finally caught up to him, I saw that he was crying on the sidewalk. I looked at him like I have never seen someone cry before. When I sat down right next to him I didn't know what to say. He was in so many tears that he didn't even realize that I sat next to him. When he finally looked up from him crying. It was like awkward, I guess I wasn't the person that he was expecting to see, but I was there. What were you supposed to say to a total stranger? Hey, I saw you storm out of your house and now your crying because of some reason that I could never understand because we are strangers? God, why did I have to sit next to him because it still being all awkward now? He finally looked up from his crying spell. I didn't know what to say. So he was the one that spoke first.

 

“What do you want?” he asked in a somber toned voice. As he shot me a glare, I don't know what I was doing here. I barely know him, but somehow I am here on the curb next to him.

 

“I just saw you storming out and just wondered if you were okay,” I said back to him, it was silence for an about five minutes. In those five minutes, I saw something in him that I never saw before that day that he rescued me at the riverside. It was like a vulnerable person that just needed to be strong.  

 

“Have you ever thought about just wanting to run?” he asked me I wanted to laugh but I didn't know how to respond so I just looked at him all confused like ‘what the hell do mean run’ “I mean like run just run for miles and miles and never stopping” he said to me I looked at him if I was truthfully enough then, yeah I did want to just run but not for miles and miles. I wanted to run away from all of my problems, leaving everything behind all my past mistakes.

 

“Yes, I have,” I said with a sigh that came out at the same time. Knowing that I have had my own problems that I just want to run away from.

 

“That's how I feel right now,” he said to me “sometimes I wish that I could go back and just make things simpler than complicated”

 

“I know what you mean,” I said to him with a sigh. I knew what he meant I have never felt ashamed of my sexuality till I finally came out to my family. Now when I say family I mean only my mom brother and sister knew. My mom said that we shouldn't tell my father because he might stop paying the child support all together we barely get any now then what it is now.

 

“It's just so hard and its - “I cut him off before he could finish the sentence

 

“Like no is understanding” I finished the sentence for him. He gulped the spit that was in his mouth. He looked down at his hands and how they were still shaking from whatever had happened earlier. I didn't want to assume something that wasn't true but I wanted to know he was like a complete stranger.

“I'm just so angry that no one wants to think of him anymore,” he said to me

 

“Him being who?” I asked confused to who he was talking about

 

“My best friend, he died about a year ago and all my friends seem to be moving on very well from it but not me,” he said to me. His voice sounded unsure about his feelings, but I knew what it's like to lose someone that had been so close to you.

 

“I know the feeling my brother died six months ago he was the only one that really supported me and getting out of this damn state,” I said to him

 

“I'm sorry to hear about that,” he said to me

 

“It's fine really,” I said to him “if you don't mind me asking what happened to your friend?” I asked him

“He well left after he graduated high school then next thing I knew he messaged me saying that he became depressed and then when he got himself in trouble at school apparently it was bad trouble and it was too much for him to take and he took his own life” he said trying not to choke on the words that he was saying to me

 

“That - I couldn’t imagine how you must feel?” I said to him

 

“Yeah and what makes it horrible is that his girlfriend has already moved on those two that you saw yesterday at the mall they weren't even together till him and me I've been just a loner since before I even meet them all it wasn't till he introduced them to me that I had friends” he said to me

 

“That feeling is mutual, my best friend Angie she is the only reason why I am still kicking,” I said to him I paused to think for a moment “It feels like everyone is out here is wanting to just to hurt you” I finally finished

 

“That’s what scares me the most leaving after the summer is what if I am not ready for the real world? What if I can’t make it out there?” he said to me I just looked at him. Part of myself knew what he was talking about but another part didn't understand it.

 

“Yeah I sorta understand,” I said to him

 

“Yeah well, I gotta go to band practice ill text you,” he said to me

 

“How you don't have my number?” I asked back at him

 

“Well can I have it and I’ll text you later?” he asked with a smile and it was the first time that he has smiled since the whole thing that made him pissed off plus with our conversation I gave him my number and he gave me him, and then he left. As I watched him walk away from me. I could help myself but to smile. When I finally went inside to see what was going on. I saw the picture of my brother and my sister and myself. I remember that day, my sister got her best friend to take to the picture. It was a present for my mother for mother’s day. I just smiled at the picture and hoped that those days will come again. I went into the kitchen and saw that my mom was cooking our dinner. It was Salisbury steak. It one of my favorite dishes that she made for us. Even as a kid I would eat it all. When it was finally dinner time I just went to my room and I stayed in there most of the time. Epically when I am by myself, nights like this make me just wanna run away. It makes just wanna escape all of my problems. I looked outside my window and saw that Taylor was practicing again with his guitar. I smiled at the fact that he loves to practice every night. Before I could even think I saw that my phone lit up. It was a message from Taylor.

 

‘Hey I saw you staring at me’ he texted I could feel my face light up with redness

 

‘Yeah sorry, I just like watching you from afar’ I replied back to him did I just say that oh my god he is gonna think that I am a stalker.

 

‘Well that is pretty much the definition of a stalker don't you think lol also don't worry I kinda like it when you are staring at me when I play he replied back to me

 

‘So you would be creeped out if I wasn't checking you out through my window?’  I replied back

 

Sorta’  he replied back to me ‘hey thank for coming to check up on me today’

 

‘No problem’  i replied back to him I sat there and thought about Noah and what he said to me today. Everything inside me wants to be with him, but after what happened earlier with my father it was, even more, harder to talk. My father never wanted anything to do with me before the divorce now he would want absolutely nothing, hell it would not even surprise me that he would disown me. I noticed that my chest started to get heavy again. I knew right then and there that a panic attack was coming on. I took a deep breath. Trying to find me again, but it was too late cause it was already at full blown. It was like the only way that I knew how to re-find myself was to get out of the house. I opened the door and I saw that my mother was standing in the doorway and was about to knock on the door.

 

“Your father is here,” she said to me “he wants to see you”

 

“Okay” I breathed out hoping that my mother would finally realize that it was a panic attack, but she didn't.

 

“Just don't leave him waiting too long,” she said to me as she walked back downstairs . I closed my door and just continued to just deep breathe and hoped that it would just finally go away. I looked at my phone and hoped that I could just lie and say that Angie was back and she wanted to see me but there was no way that my father would believe it. When the heaviness finally disappeared. I went downstairs and faced my father. I took a deep breath before placing my foot on that last stair.  I stopped mid way and I heard my mother and father over talking.

 

“He needs to learn how to be a man lana, he is almost out of school and look at him kissing other boys its just not right” my father said to my mother

 

“Charles he is just being a teenager let him be that way if he wants to be” my mother said in a firm way that only my mother can mean.

 

“So you would want our son to marry a man than be with a woman” he said to my mother

 

“Yes if it means that he is happy” she said

 

“You can accpet that but not me i will not lana if he is what i saw eariler then i will have nothing to with him even if he is my only son” my father said to her. I just put my hand over my mouth trying not gasp at the fact that my father just said that. I bite my tounge to hold back the tears. I swallowed my pride and went into the living room.

 

“Hey dad” i said to him before they stopped talking about me. My dad just looked at me with the disgust. Like he hated md me with all of his heart.

 

“Hi, come with me i need to talk to you” he said to me. I knew where this was going. He was going to tell me how wrong it is for me to be the way that i am. We walked outside and into his truck. I didnt know what to think. This was the second time he had ever talked to me. “So today when i saw you with that boy and how he kissed it just enraged me and i wanna say i am sorry but if your mother ever saw that you kissed a boy i think it would be her that would having a hard time accpeting it” my father said to me. I could not believe what i heard. When i heard them both talking about this and how my mother was more accpeting then my father.

 

“Its okay i wont let it happen again” i said in a down toned voice. I knew that if my father was there last night it would have been ten times worse. My father stayed for a bit laughing it up with my sister and my mother. While i just sat there. Trying to fit into a family where they barely even notice i am here unless its something to do with me liking boys. Then suddenly i felt my phone go off in my pocket. I reached for to see who it was. In big letters it said noah. Thank god it was just a text message i dont think that i could sit here and deal with my family suffercating me to no point.

 

‘Hey sorry that i didnt reply as soon cause i had to catch some z’s but i am looking forward to our date this coming weekend’  my eyes were glued with excitement with every word that he wrote. I had a smile on my face for the first time in a long time. As soon as my father left and i was able to be up in my room. I fell backwards on my bed finally replied back to noah.

 

‘I miss you and i wish that could see you sooner than the weekend im gonna be driving myself insane till then’ i replied back as fast as i could hoping that i would be able to get a respond before he went to bed.

 

‘Same here johnny but i have work if i didnt have work then i would be over there in a heartbeat to spend every single second with you’  he replied back to me. I held the phone close to my heart. Just knowing that he was wanting to spend every single waking moment with me. It made my heart want to skip a beat. Before I could reply I felt the heaviness coming through my eyes. Before I knew it I closed my eyes for one second and I was out. I woke up to the sounds of rocks that were being thrown at my window. I looked down and to my surprise it was Taylor. I got my pajama bottoms on and went downstairs to the back porch.

 

“What is it Taylor?” asked all groggy like trying to think of a reason why he would be want to talk to me.

 

“I just needed to know something,” he said to me  

 

“What is it?” i asked him

 

“What was your brother’s name?” he asked me

 

“Keegan,” I said to him all groggy like again. I could help but the expression on his face but it was like he knew by me saying it.

 

“Did he ever mention a Liam?” he asked me

 

“Taylor why are you asking me this at -” I paused for second to look at the clock “at 3:33 in the morning?” I asked him

 

“Because I might know what might have happened to him,” he said as my eyes grew in shock that he might know what happened to him.

 


© Copyright 2019 Ginger Rae. All rights reserved.

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