Sam knew

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
Sam used to know everything. Now she can't remember any of it. All she knows is that the bad people are out to get her. She has to find new places to hide every day so that they can't get to her.

But is such an existence worth living? Perhaps there is another way out?


This is a short novel based on dreams I've had. You might have to read it once or twice to really get all the hints and hidden meanings in it. If you do find any, please feel free to comment or message me :)

Submitted: November 09, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 09, 2018



A distinct smell of musty basement mixed with newly purchased furnitures. The floor was brown and orange-spotted. The lights faint and no sign of any windows. But the place had a working toilet and a bed so it was more than what I could have ask for. The woman who had given me the room had left the keys in my hand and then quickly disappeared down the stairs. I realized that I hadn't got her name. Maybe that was a good thing. I didn't know anything about her however I had got the impression that she was very caring and that she could bake really good scones. A good soul that did not deserve those who persecuted me.

I spent the night replaying everything I remembered. Tried to puzzle the pieces together. But just like every night I came to no conclusions. Just stared up at the ceiling for hours contemplating Nina's tears, Tom's nervous laugh, and Elliot's whispering conversations with people dressed in black behind my back. The night was, just like every night I could remember, dreamless.

The next day I was out of bed and in new clothes in what seemed like seconds. I assumed it was the woman that had put out the new outfit. That was the way this usually went, I think. Clothes couldn't just randomly appear, right? The clothes I had worn yesterday and slept in would probably be burned. That was the destiny for everything I had ever worn, owned or even touched. That I had learned a day when I had turned around to see the house of a family I had lived with go up in smoke. Looking back at it, I don't think that was something I was supposed to have seen.

The outfit of the day consisted of a dark blue jacket, black trousers and shoes, a hat and a pair of gloves. Thereafter it was time to eat that which I think the woman from yesterday had cooked for me. Eggs, bacon, beans, carrots and potatoes decorated a plastic plate. I ate everything even though the eggs were too loose for my taste and the potatoes were mushy. It would probably be my only meal for the day since I had never received more than one per day. Plus, I definitely didn't want to get hungry later. It could make me cranky during the trip and that was no good. No attention should be drawn to me or the bad men will get me, those were the instructions I had received day one.

I was supposed to be nothing for the bad people. But for the other kind of people, I was everything. I could see that in their eyes. Admiration and hope. But also fear. An ingrained kind of fear. The kind that clings onto your consciousness and spreads to each bone, each nerve until you're paralyzed. It's a permanent state of mind. Evilness? I didn't know how but I remembered having felt that. In fact, I seemed to remember all feelings in existence despite having no memories of experiencing them. In the bad people, for whom I was supposed be nothing, I noticed another feeling. A fear as well, a paralysis as well but a different kind. It was as if they were paralyzed before reality, before themselves and before what they were. That fear was hidden behind something less human. Something hard to pinpoint. Could it be the same evilness that haunted the good people? Perhaps I dwelled too much.

The bus I was sitting on didn't smell much. It could be because of a stuffy nose or the fact that I hadn't been able to smell anything ever. I didn't know which was right since I was very sure there existed such a thing as smell. The next place I would go to was at the final station of the bus route, according the lady I had stayed with last night. There I would be picked up by the next good person. Sometimes the good person was alone, sometimes the good people were in large numbers. The places they took me to were varied. Some were big, warm houses with all things set up in specific ways that I couldn't change without having them scream at me. Others were small scrubs filled with contents ranging from dust pads to collections of stuffed animals. I had tried to find a common denominator for the places but with no luck. The roads were impossible to recognize as well. There were always new signs, new letters, new forests, new houses. This road in particular happened to be narrow and have forests on both sides. The forests reminded me of the darkness of the bad people. Tall, dark trees with dangerous creatures lurking behind them. I hoped that the place I was going to wasn't going to be located in a forest.

Seven stops before I was supposed to get off, a woman entered. She had tousled yet elegant reddish red hair, a shade reminding me of the fire that had swallowed the family's house. Her skin was almost as white as the snow that lay on top of the trees out in the woods. She was wearing a black polo shirt, flared trousers and a black coat. There were many free seats in the front of the bus but she walked by them as if they didn't exist, eyes fixated on the back of the bus. At first I thought she was going to sit in the very back of the bus, but to my surprise she chose the seat next to mine. I glanced at her without having my eyes met so I resumed looking out of the window. Suddenly she spoke.

"I love you."

Her voice flowing, fragile and the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. She didn't seem either good or bad. She just, was. I had never met her before though so I didn't know what to answer, but I did turn my head to get a proper look at her. She continued facing forward without moving a muscle. Or well. There was a change in her eyes. From that familiar fear to something else. Sadness?

"Do you remember our first kiss? A stupid winter night in a place where the sun never rises and yet it went up that night. We couldn't understand why, we said. But we knew." Tears formed in her eyes.

"You changed my life. You had me quit a stable job, sell my apartment and move to wherever no one knew us. You could recite fucking Sartre word for word. You studied for years to get that damn degree in laws that you never even utilized. We lived in a shed for three months, selling drugs for a living. And I'll never forget that night we got high as a kite, lost both of our keys, were chased by nuns and ended up with a psychic lady who had a beard... OR the time we robbed an old lady but felt so gross afterwards that we spent the next week tracking her down only so that we could give her back everything we had stolen. Definitely worth the charges we got. " She got silent for a minute and the tears streaming down her cheeks ceased. Studying her hands she continued:

"The world doesn't fit you. There are no worldly shapes you fit in and yet you seem to fit into all of them. Your essence is so fluid. Warm. Soft. Forgive me if I was too tough and cold. You were all I wanted to be. Sometimes it felt as if I was, almost as if we were the same. You, me and the world. Our consciousness forming itself. The natural laws were ours to decide. You know I never claimed to be religious and I know you never cared for religion yourself but secretly, you were my goddess. Maybe I never prayed to you or so. But you were so infinite. Hardly human, more like a force or an abstraction. You were all the good and all the the bad. All the ugly and all the beautiful. I thought it would be like that forever. Yet you're here and I'm somewhere else. How am supposed to interpret the world without you? What does this mean?"

I opened my mouth to say something but she quickly covered it with her hand.

"You can't talk here." I know Elisha told you to get off at the last stop, but you can't. The bad men are waiting for you there. We'll get off at the next stop instead."

Her tone was different. Hard and hollow, the tone I had gotten used to. However there was still a trace of something else behind the hollowness.

The woman looked at me. Her eyes were big, round and blue. I wanted to recognize them, but I knew I had never seen them before. Of all the eyes I had looked into, hers were probably the most alluring I'd seen. How could I deny the chance to follow them?

So I did. The stop we get off at was deserted. The only thing in existence was us and the forest. She grabbed my hand and lead me between some trees right next to the bus stop.

"Don't let go off my hand."

I didn't. The woman seemed to know what she was doing and where we were going even though there did not seem to be any paths. The trees were dressed in black bark and stretched far up into the sky. The ground was covered with snow-mixed moss. The snow seemed to have found its way down even though it was barely possible to see the sky underneath all the branches. With the exception of branches that broke under our shoes there were no sounds to be heard. No wind whizzing in the trees, no sign of animal activity, nothing. The woman too was quiet except of regular snoring. Thinking about it, she was the first person to have touched me. Sure, it was her glove touching my glove but it was still the closest thing to physical contact I could remember having experienced. I couldn't help but smile. Good or bad, this woman was special. 

When we had started our walk, the sun had still been visible through the branches. Now the sky was pitch black, just like the trees. How the woman was able to navigate despite the darkness was a wonder. Perhaps she had no idea where we were going and was just walking around in circles. Or perhaps she was kidnapping me. Perhaps she was one of the bad people. Honestly, I didn't care about her intentions. After my awakening, every day had been the same. Waking up, eating, traveling, contemplating, sleeping. At first it had been exciting to travel and discover so many new places. Now it was getting lonely. I had never talked to anyone. Only listened and obeyed. What was there to say?

One thing I had learned from all my years spent escaping was the art of killing time. That was basically the only thing I did. Seated in various vehicles, sitting on the floors of the rooms that for the night would be my bedroom, spending sleepless nights in uncomfortable beds. The only thing I really did was thinking. Mostly I thought of all the places I had been to and how they were connected. But I always gave up and instead turned to counting. It could be the number of marks on a wall, the number of raindrops on a window, the number of leaves on a tree. During the walk with the woman that skill came to use as I counted the number of steps. I didn't start counting until we had walked for a bit and I had started getting bored thinking about all the possible scenarios that could play out with this mysterious woman. So there had probably been a lot of steps before I started counting. However, the number I reached came to be three hundred and three thousand seven hundred and eighty-six. Step number three hundred and three thousand seven hundred and eighty-seven was the first step outside of the forest and onto a field. The sky had brightened up at that point and for the first time in hours, days or however much time had passed, I could see properly. What I saw before me was a street lamp and a house that seemed to be an old barn. The street light was blinking with an interval of two seconds between each blink. The barn was painted in red copper and its roof, which was mostly ruins, was made out of sheet metal. The barn lay around twenty meters away from the end of the forest. Still holding the woman's hand, we walked those twenty meters.

Closing in I could spot a ladder leading up to the ceiling. The woman let go of my hand. She started climbing. She gave no opinion on whether I should follow her or not but scared of ??losing her, I did. When I got up she looked pleased as if I had made the right decision. It was the first time she looked at me since the bus trip. My mood brightened at the sight of her eyes and although I was exhausted, hungry and reeking of sweat, in that moment I felt okay.


Jump from the roof? Was she crazy? I had been wrong. She had been one of the bad ones all along. I had been so stupid to trust her.

"Not from the roof." she said with a laugh, pointing at a hole in the ceiling a few meters away.

Oh, nevermind then. Paranoia, I supposed.

The hole was a perfect circle about one meter in diameter and very black. The longer I looked at it the more everything else seemed to disappear. I was completely fixated. Not even the redheaded woman with her alluring eyes could catch my interest. Without noticing it I walked, or rather, I was drawn towards it. How could such a perfect shape exist? No hard edges. Darkness in a way I had never seen darkness. Not intimidating at all, only soothing. Simple yet so enigmatic. I just had to let myself be devoured.

And so I was. I didn't notice when or how I started falling or if the woman had fallen with me. All I knew was that I fell. Perfect circle. Perfect darkness. Harmony.


The mobile vibrated in my pocket for about twentieth time. I knew that you could turn off the vibration, but then I would have to unlock the phone and see the notifications from all the missed calls. How tiresome that'd be. Instead, I threw it into a nearby bin. It didn't matter the phone had cost me half of my savings or that it was the only way for me to find my way back. They would find me soon enough anyways. Arrest me for murder. Or something. Sam with her fancy law degree, would have known. Sam knew everything.

I went to the nearest liquor store I could find which was quite a bit but I didn't mind the walk. I didn't mind anything really. I mean, I was a fucking murderer so should I really have the right to mind about things? The liquor store was basically a kiosk located in the slum neighborhood of a city I didn't know the name of. The fluorescent lights in the store reminded me of the waiting room in the hospital and I wanted to smash all the freezers but I really needed that liquor. I grabbed three bottles of vodka. The cashier guy looked at me with a sly face.

"Oh I see, someone's 'bout to party tonight?"

I wanted to rip out his guts and stuff them in his mouth but I didn't have the energy so I just gave him the money and made sure to slam the door as hard as I could on the way out.

I walked until I was out of the urban area. I'm sure I got a lot of cat calls since it was a Friday night and drunk dudes were looking for someone to shag. Normally that would have upset me but now it sort of felt as if I deserved it. I deserved everything bad the world had to offer. A. Fucking. Murderer.

I found an oak under which I decided would be a pretty place to pass out drunk. I started drinking. I drank as if the vodka was water and I had ran a marathon. The truth was I had never ran a marathon. Sam had though, of course. She had actually landed at a solid twenty-third place. Impressive for someone who smoked like two packs a day and had gone through at least three drug abuses. Sam could do it all. So what if I had killed her? Sam was probably immortal. Sam could do it all. I was on bottle number two when a man with snake tattoo stretching from his neck to his face and dressed in a way too tight jeans jacket appeared.

"Hey there, fire chick! Fuck you're really downing those bottles... Anything else you're good at pouring down your throat if you're getting me, princess?"

A wave of nausea overpowered me and resulted in a stream of vomit heading straight towards the man. I could distinguish broccoli, potatoes and meatballs among the red liquid that was decorating the man's jeans. The hospital food had been difficult to chew.

After that I remember an angry man and a punch. Can't remember where it landed. Was it even a punch? What was even a punch? Everything I saw was darkness. Calming and soothing darkness. Above me was a circle decreasing in size. It never seemed to really disappear though, however long I looked. The circle was completely round, no thorny edges at all. Perfect circle. Perfect darkness. Next to me was something else falling. A consciousness. A fluid, warm, soft, good, bad, ugly and beautiful consciousness. An abstraction, a goddess. Perfect Sam. Harmony.

© Copyright 2019 moi même. All rights reserved.

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