Crack

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short story based on personal experiences.

tw: rape

This story might be difficult to understand without having listened to a song called "Wayamaya" by Lana Del Rey. I do not own the song in any way, I was just heavily inspired by it.

Here's a link to the song: https://youtu.be/6bduyhQbVu0 and here are the lyrics if you don't feel like listening to it:

He was a big wave surfer,
Living down by Wayamaya bay.
We had a few friends,
Never thought it would end.

I remember an all white day,
With eight story waves,
He said your eyes are grey,
(Careful).

We were living on Cody Lane,
Go carolling
Sun memories

Drivin’ in our Mercury down to Wayamaya,
Drivin’ in our Mercury.
Drivin’ in our Mercury down to Wayamaya,
Drivin’ in our Mercury.

I remember we came in May
And we changed our names
To Lana and Ray
We be up to the sun rosé
I’m in gold lamé
Your pink floral haze

Drivin’ in a Mercury down to Wayamaya
Drivin’ in a Mercury
Drivin’ in a Mercury down to Wayamaya
Drivin’ in a Mercury

Waikiki cove, Waikiki cove
Waikiki, Waikiki, Waikiki cove
Waikiki cove, Waikiki cove
Waikiki, Waikiki, Waikiki cove

Submitted: November 09, 2018

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 09, 2018

A A A

A A A


"Can't see this offer? 3 for 2, ALWAYS at Lensaver! Helping customers see since 1992 "

I raised the volume and it was almost as if Lana herself was inside my head doing a performance. If I thought really hard I could see it in front of me. Lana standing there, sticky from all of my pink mushy brain mass but as elegant as ever. 

"Wanna get out of the office and DISCOVER? US TOO! Book your dream trip at tripbooker.com NOW!"

Drivin’ in our Mercury down to Wayamaya, drivin’ in our Mercuryyy...

"Vegetarian sushi at VegSu. Nothing fishy 'bout it."

Standing on an escalator goin' up to ground floor, comin' from the subwa-yyy...

"O.M.G LOOK AT THOSE SHOES! Cheap shoes at cheapshoes.com"

My heartbeat started fastening and with it, my breaths. Sweat forming on my hands despite them being dry from me neglecting the usage of gloves during the cold season that currently was ongoing.

"Get PUMPED. Get EXCITED. Get SHAPED. Get STARTED here at Gym4you"

Waikiki cove, Waikiki cove, Waikiki, Waikiki, Waikiki cove...


"-All about quality nails- Nina's salon. Trim your nails today for only 29€"

And I was on ground floor. I stepped out of the subway station and onto the square. There was the familiar bench painted in rainbow colors. Someone had spray painted "DIE FAGGOTS" on it. That was new. I sat on it, threw my bag in my lap and fished out a cigarette. Putting it in my mouth, I lit it with the lighter I had stolen from my mom's cabinet. My mom wasn't the smoking type so it must have been from her youth. As I took my first nicotine-spiked breath my nerves were instantly calmed and I got up from the bench.

The snow from two weeks ago seemed to have been persistent because it was still there. Not quite in its original shape though as the cars had done its job and turned the white, slightly pure blue into an industrial grey on the verge to brown. I thought about the decay of everything on the walk towards my destination.

I rounded a corner and there I was. Apartment number fifty-five was his. Or well, his mother's. The snow outside of this particular apartment complex had remained in its pure white and slightly blue state. I wondered what kind of message mother nature was sending me with that. I sent her one back by putting out the cigarette in one particularly clean spot and stomped on it a couple of times, not really to put it out but more to make a statement.

"am outise" delivered 15:38

"*outside" delivered 15:38

At 15:41 I saw him through the glass door. I knew it was at exactly 15:41 because I had to pause the music on my phone so I simultaneously saw what the time was. Bye-bye Lana.

He was looking like he usually did. Still wearing that goddamn beanie. Probably to cover up his long hair because he hadn't brushed it properly. Why else would he always wear a beanie inside? His face was pale and...long? It ended with that iconic goatee of his. The goatee helped making his face look longer. He must not have trimmed it since I last saw him because his face felt longer than usual. An urge to cry overwhelmed me but I ignored it.

Beep BEEEEP. Click.

"Heyy there." he said and he looked genuinely happy to see me as he used both his arms to hug me whereas I only used one.

"Hi." I said sounding like a small and scared puppy.

"So how are you? Did the trip here go well?" he asked me as we started walking towards the stairs that would take us to his apartment (or well, his mother's).

"Do I smell like something in particular?" I asked, trying to sound more like a bratty chihuahua than a scared puppy. 

"Nnnoo? Your usual perfume maybe. And um maybe cigarettes? Should I stop giving you those...?" he said, seeming more annoyed than provoked.

"Nah shut up. Is your family home?" I asked as he used his keys to open the apartment door.

"My brother is in his room playing videogames but he won't bother us. My mom won't be here until eight so we won't have to worry 'bout that." he said with a smug smile that grossed me out.

We stepped inside. He slid off his shoes and hung off his jacket. Kept the beanie on. My shoes were hard to get off so I sat down on the floor. He stood there, looking at me while I was untying them.

"Did you see that new video from ChunkyTelevision? Like the one where he reacted to that video with the poodles. It was really weird, I'm sure you'd love it." he said, probably feeling awkward from having nothing to do.

"I don't watch that guy, you know that..." I said, pulling off my left shoe.

"Yeah I know that but I was just asking in case. I-I can show it to you if you'd like to." he said, sounding offended as if I had just told him his mother was a twat.

"Mm yeah sure."

I pulled off my other shoe and we went to his room. The curtains were drawn which I was glad for. Wouldn't want anyone seeing me in this pathetic state. His room looked the usual. Black walls covered with posters from various hardcore bands, one band-name more ridiculous than the other. The cover in his bed was pushed to the side as if he had gotten up two minutes ago. He sat down on the bed and invited me to do the same. I thought about how he probably had laid exactly where I sat and wanked over me that very morning.

"Come on let's cuddle." he told me and I did as he said. I had the wall against my back and my head on his shoulder. Thankfully he was wearing a hoodie so I wouldn't have to see his armpit hair or smell his deodorant. I pulled up the cover as high as I could. Not so much because I was cold but more because if I couldn't see my body then I didn't have one and then it couldn't be touching his, right?

Together we watched that fucking poodle video. It wasn't funny.

"Hahah that was great. Can we listen to music now?" I asked.

"Yeah sure, what do you want to listen to?" he counter-asked, seeming happy that I had enjoyed the video. Probably thought he was gonna get laid because of that.

"There's a song by Lana Del Rey called Wayamaya I've got stuck in my head and I would really like to hear it."

"Called what?" he asked. "Ugh, dyslexic-ass wanker", I thought.

"I'll just...find it myself." I said and typed it in on YouTube.

Then we laid there, listening to Wayamaya. We switched positions into a spooning position. I thought about Wayamaya. Where was it? Was it even a place? Perhaps a metaphor? Perhaps I had a lacking knowledge in geography?

Suddenly he pulled my hair away from my neck. Here it came. He kissed my neck. I kinda just laid there, didn't really know what to do. I could feel my neck getting more and more wet and felt a need to make it stop. I turned around and started kissing him on the mouth which really just turned into me biting his lip. It seemed to turn him on. Didn't do anything for me but it was fun in a non-sexual way to hurt him a bit. Then came his turn to be the one doing the hurting.

You could probably imagine what happened next. Choking, bleeding, fucking. Some of you would probably like to hear all about it but I'd rather not relive it. When we (he) were done he put his underwear and hoodie back on.

"I'll make you some tea." he said in a lovey-dovey way. He went to the kitchen while I stayed in his bed, naked, cold and afraid.

There was some weird crack in his ceiling. I studied it intensely. It had several branches that got more frequent the further away from the wall that they were. The width of the crack was the biggest to the right side of the middle part. Not alarmingly wide, maybe one or two more millimeters wider. It was noticeable only if you looked for a long time. Which I did. I did not only look at the widest part but also at the most narrow part. That was, of course, located in the very end of the crack were the little branches were the most frequent. The more frequent the branches were the more narrow they were, in fact. They also got shorter. Again, only by a few millimeters or so. But I saw it. There was no hiding from me, little crack-branches!

"Here's your tea. You said you liked the flavor last time so I hope you still do." he said, putting down the cup of tea on nightstand. He crawled up next to me, pulling the blanket over us both.

"Hey little cutiepie aren't you gonna get dressed?" he said, sounding patronizing instead of caring. I was quiet for a while until I so cleverly said:

"I-..."

Then it stopped. I looked at the crack as if it'd be able to help me out. Surprisingly, it didn't.

He laid on his side and started caressing my cheek with his pasty white little hairy hand.

"What's wrong?" he asked. He asked as if it was someone else. He asked as if it wasn't him. He asked as if he himself would have been able to actually help.

I cracked. Turned around and started crying while he held me in his arms.

"I'm sorry I-...fucked up. Fucking fuck fucked up. Fuck me. I love you..." I said between sobs.

"You love me?" he asked, trying to hide his excitement but it was showing. Completely missing the point about how fucked I was.

I just cried more. 

"It's okay. You'll be fine. I'm here and I'm gonna protect you. You're mine." he said while hugging me ever so tightly. "Now, shall we get you dressed?"

I nodded. Then it was as if my internal water bunk got empty because I stopped crying. Instead I just laid there, trying to find comfort in the crack without much luck while he dressed me.

With a voice still tear-soaked i hummed along to Wayamaya which had been playing on repeat the whole time. He was quiet, listening to me hum. It felt wrong but I couldn't tell him to go away since it was his house.

On the way home I stepped on every crack I could find. Cracks on the road, cracks between tiles, cracks between changes of terrain. I didn't care if my or someone else's mother would die as a result of it. All I wanted was for one, just ONE, of all those cracks to break. Oh how I gladly would have fallen into that hole. "Young girl falls into big hole", "Big holes at it again - DON'T LET YOUR KIDS GO OUTSIDE!", "Tips and tricks to avoid the cracks". I couldn't imagine a cooler way of dying. Maybe if I'd let him choke me to death it'd be even cooler. But probably not. I would rather be known for a risk-taking cool girl who explores the unknown than the victim of repeated sexual assaults.

Deep down I knew that my dreams were foolish. I had already fallen through a crack. There can't be another crack in a world that just consists of cracks, can there? Not even if the first sort of crack is psychological while the crack within the crack is physical.

You had to choose. I had chosen myself. And that crack had broken.


© Copyright 2018 moi même. All rights reserved.

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